Five and the Mystery of the Declining Fertility - the BESH engage the services of the Famous Five to track down their baybees and finish with lashings of ginger beer. Topping!

[ArielThePiraticalMermaid]

Morning everyone, just let me wolf down this amazing meal of tinned tongue, hardboiled eggs and ginger beer (don't you find food always tastes so much better outside?) and we'll toddle off on our latest adventure. We'll make sure Anne does the washing up (you'll make a proper little housewife and no doubt the fecund mother of four fine sons one day Anne ) and us boys can have the proper adventures! No, not you George - you're nearly as good as a boy but not quite. Leave the actual procreating to me and Dick. Woof woof! Shut up Timmy!

But if I kick off my rubber-soled shoes, how will I sneak out of the dorm for the midnight feast of luncheon meat and Alicia's heavenly fruitcake?

(potted meat: check)

Can I be a big old nosey nose face and ask what drugs you're waiting to start on Northey?
If it helps allay your fears at all, I've been getting pmt (moody, bloaty etc) around OV these days, and the soggy crotch n'all. Never used to get any sign of OV at all, but now it's basically PMT twice a month. What larks!

And what's this about a BESHtionnaire? I simply adore quizzes and tests - Now, where did Anne hide my pencils?

If you search for it in the MN archive, you will find it capn try to find one from the last 6 months.

Gonal F for ivf, capn. But we can do all the introductions after the BESHtionnaire

Right. Timmy sniffed this one out. I'm going to answer it regardless and if it's the wrong one I shall put itching powder down all your knickers and join your group anyway.

1. Do you like gin? I will be calling my first child Ginny Gin Gin*

*Lie

2. Men - are you a gold digger or a cradle snatching cougar?
   I am more gold-digging than one of those craggy old hairy men in tham thar hills. And even worse at finding the gold.

3. Baybee-making - to put a baybee in your tumtum, which hole do you use:
   a) weewee
   b) poopoo
   c) foofoo
   d) none, you just pray to the baby Jebus.

I will not be putting a baybee in my tumtum. I will be developing a foetus in my uterus. No one grows babies in their stomachs. Idiots.
Obvs, I will be doing this through my bellybutton by having a special hug and spwinkling myself with magic baby dust.

4. Testing - when someone wonders if they should test for updiff (pg), do you: a) bellow 'POAS!' at them non-stop and punch them repeatedly in the kidneys till they wet themselves anyway. b) Sprinkle them with babydust and send them hugs and kisses on lickle baby angel wings.

a) And if they disobey I will hunt them down and squeeze the wees out of them in the early hours of the morning, like a sinister pregnancy swat team.

5. Is R2D2: a) an adorable robot from Star Wars. b) the source of all evil.

Since the robot is an annoying dick, I'm going to go with b. Someone may have to explain this to me later.

6. Number of pets?
   None because I live with Allergy Man, whose superhero power is to destroy tall buildings with a single sneeze. In my head, I own several cats and a dog. And a puffin. And a pony.

7. Inappropriate (read: weird) crush of shame?
   There have been so many. Mostly pretty gay actors. Colin Morgan most recently. *shame face

8. Lesbian crush?
   Again, there have been so many..

9. What are your views on camping?
   In the UK - no. In a warm country - still no.

10. How much money have you spent on sticks you then urinate on?
    i) Oh nothing, I'll probably catch first time and then get the doctor to confirm it.
    ii) Over 100 quid
    iii) I opened an account on ebay solely for the purpose of purchasing sticks

ii) These days, I just wee directly onto £20 notes. Saves the shopping trip and gets the same result.

That looks quite in order, cap. I say you're in. This is largely to do with your pleasingly cynical TTC attitude, rather than your non-shameful crush of choice. As yet, I don't think anyone has beaten my actually shameful choice

Tell tell, evil. Who was it?

Good answers, cap. I vote we let you join. Properly I mean, not like a grubby farm child who can be patronised and allowed to follow at a safe distance once she's had a bath and promised to try harder about speaking properly.

R2D2 is another name for your period. Also droid and occasionally druid. The reason is lost in the mists of time, but I think it might have developed from Red Tide of Doom, via RTD. Well, that's my theory anyway.

I like puffins. I have been to see them. On an island where I naturally also discovered a spy ring and some gold ingots.

*tugs forelock in humble urchin fashion

Thankee, miss.

Now look here, moll, you can speak quite nicely if you try, so just you make sure you do. And here, have my cast off sandshoes.

Jeremy Clarkson

But my list of not-quite-so-shamefuls is rather long too, mind. I am an incurable perv

Not that I actually perv over Clarkson, you understand. I just... wouldn't say no.

Don't try and make it better draf, you dirty, high waisted jeans, denim shirt Clarkson lover you.

Say, chaps, we have another spiffing type for super adventures. Bagsy the first down the mine shaft! Excellent BESHtionnaire responses. Really, top notch. Uncle Quentin will be proud.

Jeremy Clarkson? Shame on you. Shame.

Am liking the cut of the new urchin's jib

I say old thing, how about Aunt Fanny gives you a bath? Take this carbolic into Kirrin Cottage and scrub up, there's a good chap.

Well BESH, I have had the most monumental shitter of a day. But the last couple of pages have raised a chuckle, so thanks.

Tell us all about it, old thing. Is it your father?

Oooh a new girl how simply splendid! Hello Moll.

Jeremy bleedin' Clarkson?! Lawd, but you're a rum bunch and no mistake!

Is it his luxuriant 80s bouff?

*waves enthusiastically at everyone else
Thanks for the welcome, chums!

Ariel - have a scrummy scone and some of this delicious raspberry jam and tell us all about it.

I think Clarkson gave me a lot of minus points. BUT my beautiful formatting and extensive list of gins rescued me

I hope today is better :(

I see the new gal passes muster. What-ho.

:(

If she is an officially sworn in BESH, are we doing introductions?

Very kind HEDGes. I won't talk about it now, if you don't mind.

Hedges? Wtf?

Of course Rie.

Faif I don't see why not. I lose track and I'm not new!

I'm usually some variation of Euro (this one is left over from an Austin Powers thing we did), 37 as of two days ago . OH is KFZK (kung fu zombie killer, after past and present hobbies), also 37 (but not for long). TTC#1 for 28 cycles. Unexplained. Have tried 3xLetrozole, 2x natural IUI, and half a disastrous IVF cycle (me and drugs do not get on). Trying natural IVF this cycle.

Hurrah, I brought some cocoa and stole a fruitloaf to celebrate the arrival of New Girl! I hope you brought the puffins with you. Good Beshtionaire, but still need more details on the lesbo-crush of shame. Go on, yours can't be worse than draf I so forgot about Clarkson, am well distressed now! So welcome here moll.

Sorry about the shit day ariel, there there chap, have a drink (of run in your cocoa).

Intro for the newbie, lemon and SB for skinny bint as he is 8 inches taller than me and weighs the same, both bordering on 34 now, TTC #1 since summer 2010, unexplained, had a BFP with SO and IUI last August but mc, have done two more SO IUI cycles since and awaiting droid from the last IUI next week and evaluation appointment in Feb.

run=rum of course...

I am norfy, 34, lack of ovulation except when made to with ops or drucks. Two bfps, two ectopics. Waiting for droid to start so I can crack on with first round of ivf (in order to bypass clearly disastrous tubes). A Man Named Horse is my partner, named in an old cowboy fred. He actually looks more like a chimp. TTC for too many years to think about.