TTC after a second-trimester loss? Come on in, there's tea and empathy.

[literaryone]

Starting a thread specifically for those of us who've had second-trimester losses. Our heartbreak is the same as that with earlier and later losses, but our experiences and our fears are probably different. So do come in and chat if you've been there and have mustered up the hope to try again.

Short story: 31, went spontaneously into labour (with only back contractions) at 18+6 weeks and delivered little boy who was already dead. Tested for everything possible, nothing found. Planning to TTC again starting in February, most probably. Terrified but feeling more hopeful at the thought of trying. I am hypothyroid (under control) and have PCOS (mild) so it could be difficult conceiving. My menstrual cycle's not gone back to what it used to be pre-pregnancy -- it's varied between 26-31 days, whereas it used to be 28-29 like clockwork earlier. No surviving children. This was my first pregnancy.

Hi Literaryone,

Sorry to hear of your loss. We lost our little girl in August at 17+6. They'd found potential problems at 13 weeks and we'd been told to expect to lose the pregnancy through miscarriage as she was very poorly. However, because of the rarity of her condition, they missed it the first time and we were given a 'false' all clear at around 15 weeks before the full extent of her problems were picked up.

Given her condition, we chose to terminate the pregnancy which was a heartbreaking decision to have to make.

Since then we've not been 'preventing' but have also not been trying, mainly due to both DH and I being away a lot over the times when I've been ovulating. I've got myself a clear blue fertility monitor as my cycles have also been quite irregular since the loss (about 23-30 days) and I want a bit of control.

We tried for 7 months last time, which got pretty wearing towards the end, so am worried this is going to be a long journey for us too.

Nice to have someone to chat to!

Piz

Hi everybody
I'm brand new! I'm TTC after a TFMR at 22weeks back in August. I started a thread this lunchtime but nobody has replied. I wondered if maybe I could just join your gang?
I'm looking for support but ideally to talk about what is going on with my crazy body too. Am 34 and desperate to get preg again!
Anyone? Please!

Hi Elboll. Come on in, the water's fine! I'm so very sorry to hear of the difficult decision that had to be taken for your little one. Please do come here and talk about it and whatever you're experiencing now. This has been for me a very isolating experience and you may have the same problem. After I lost the baby, loads of people have come forward to say "I've had a miscarriage." But while they understand my pain and loss and I appreciate that support so very much, they don't understand my physical experience and my fears because most have had a loss (or multiple losses) in the first trimester.

Hi Pizdets! I'm so glad you decided to join us too. That must have been a very tough decision for you and DH to take and I'm so sorry you had to go through that. What has your doctor said about the irregular cycles? I've been told it's nothing to worry about as they fall within normal ranges, even if not as regular as before. I wish this could be a short excursion rather than a long journey for any of us, but anyway, it's always good to make friends and find support along the way.

Hi Elboll, sorry, I didn't see your thread! Sorry you also tfmr in August, sad times. I'm also dying to be pregnant again, but scared too!

Literary, I haven't been to the doctor about my cycles, I think I've just assumed it's my cross to bear for the next few months. Like you said, they're still in a 'normal' range and I expect my body's still slightly in shock about everything it's bee through.

Piz

My baby was due today.

I feel so heavy-hearted. I lost my beloved Gran at the end of October too so I have had such a rough time. My family is at war and I am so saddened over what this Christmas will be compared to what it should have been.

My period is due and I can feel my PMT gathering inside me like an angry old hag.
I work as a solicitor and last Friday my boss, in his infinite wisdom, assigned me a case involving a birth which went wrong and the poor baby dying. Just what I need. Some people are so thoughtless.

Sorry to be so negative but it is such a hard day today. Must remember that life will get better. At least I have DH and precious father to support me. Thanks for listening x

Elboll,

I'm so sorry. My due date is 3 weeks away and I'm dreading it, what a horrible day for you. There are definitely days when everything just feels black and it's hard to remember there's anything good in life.

But it will get better and we'll get our rainbows next year, I believe that.

Your boss sounds very insensitive, can you ask to move to a different case?

Piz

Oh, Elboll, what a tough day. I'm so sorry it's here and that you have other things to worry about and grieve for as well, so that they all spill over on days like this.

Could you possibly ask your boss to give that case to somebody else? It would be very hard for you right now, there's no question about that. People don't think, a lot of the time, about whether somebody would be hurt by something they do or say. But if you say that it would be difficult and stressful for you, he may consider moving you to something else. I hope something like that can be done.

I have my terrible days too but just hold on to the idea that if one day is terrible the next may not be. Just take it one hour at a time and know that we are thinking of you and grieving with you, even if far away.

Thanks guys, I appreciate your kind words.

My boss did move the case to someone else straight away when I told him what he'd done but it was enough just that he have it to me in the 1st instance. I am sensitive, understandably so, it is hard enough going to work every day with clients and barristers and any number of other people asking me dumb questions about maternity leave etc.

My AF came-the final insult eh?
I was 29 days this month. I have NEVER been 29 days in my entire life.
I'm usually 32-34. I have noticed that since the TFMR my AF has been much much lighter and lasting 3-4 days whereas a heavy 8-9 days was my norm. Something ain't right that's for sure! Not medically I mean but just not my normal self.
I wonder if it is owing to the tfmr. They couldn't get be going and I finished a whole course of the drugs and was well into a 2nd round before my body gave the baby up. It was wriggling away right until the last hour-the poor mite.
I wonder if all those drugs have proper screwed my system up?
My AF came straight back but the length of cycle has varied between 29-34 days and LH surge has been day 14 and day 18. I used to get loads of EWCM too (sorry if TMI ladies!) but I'm not getting any now since tfmr.
It is weird for me cos with my 1st (and only) pregnancy I conceived after 6weeks-I'm sorry for everyone who struggles of course but for me and DH it was a doddle. Now I'm tearing my hair out cos I can't understand why I'm not fertile yet.

Not to mention all the angst of the 1 in 50 odds we've got of any future babies having the same medical issues as #1.

Life is hard!

Hello everyone and sorry to you all for your loss.

Ds4 was born last year 09/11 at 20 weeks due to incompetant cervix. I am now 32 weeks pg with ds5 and had a cervical stitch placed at 14 weeks and have also been having progesterone suppositories to prevent pre term labour.

The time leading up to Jacobs dd was very hard, it was a constant I should be 30 weeks/35/40 etc. I think I only really started to accept he was gone after the due date.

We had the first anniversary in sept which wasn't helped by the fact I was at the same stage of pg as when I lost him.

Hi Moomins....

My childhood friend lost 3 babies to an in competent cervix-but happily she now has baby Thomas......so there is hope for you, you can do it!!!!

What does DS4 and DS5 mean- sorry I'm new to this and learning.

Everything crossed just for you x

hello elboll

Darling son number 4
Darling son number 5
I didn't have any problem with my cervix untill last time, although my second and 3rd sons were both early

Aha. Sorry if that was insensitive to ask eeek.
Am delighted to learn you are at 32 weeks-nearly there.

My DH and I are having a chat and saying how we know we will always remember this day that our 1st baby was due. There is no reason why our kids won't come along (although fingers crossed no more diaphragmatic hernias appear) but we know we will never forget the one that got away......just like everyone on here I imagine.
Although I know I want to be pg again I know I will worry like crazy when I am. Bet you are the same?
How long did it take for everything to settle itself after DS4? How long did it take to conceive DS5?
Big hugs x

No that's fine,

I think I bled for about 2-3 weeks, then it took around 8 weeks for AF to return. My cycle was odd though. It got shorter and shorter and the month I conceived it was around 20 days and AF was still really light every month and short.

We didn't use anything after I lost Jacob but there wasn't alot going on tbh and i conceived around 8 months later.

Yes being pg again is scary, you worry about everything. I'm at the point now where if the stitch fails he should be fine, my 3rd was born at 32 weeks so I feel alot happier now. I do find myself worrying about everything else that could happen though

I would possibly have conceived quicker though if wed dtd (done the deed) more than once a month.

Ds3 was only 6.5 months old when I lost Jacob, we had decided on a small age gap this time. So dealing with the grief and having a young baby who decided to stop sleeping didn't help x

Evening all, sorry to hear about your losses. So sad that so many of us have to experience this. I lost dc3 last year at 17 weeks.

4 years previous, dc2 was born at 23 weeks after threatened mc from 13 weeks, bleeding heavily from 16 weeks and losing waters at 21 weeks. Luckily dc2 survived and is fine, dc3 just couldn't hang in there. No explanation, have had lots of tests done and no answers can be found.

Some would say foolishly, I have been ttc for the last 7 months properly (didn't use anything after mc but wasn't trying either) and no luck. Cycles have been all over the place - LP is 9/10 days and I am trying to accept that maybe my body is telling me I'm not meant to have any more children.

Elboll, I'm so glad your boss understood and shifted the case over to somebody else. Life is total crap sometimes. I'm sorry you've been told that there is a risk, however, small of this recurring. It does make the anxiety greater even if one tries to concentrate on the chances of that NOT happening. Re: the periods, mine have been strange too. I've had 3 since losing the baby, and they've varied madly in terms of cycle length (not at all like the clockwork 28-29 day cycles I had earlier). I'm also not seeing EWCM every month, though the watery variety (which is also fertile) is around. I wasn't given any drugs to induce labour, it was all natural, so I'm guessing it's a combination of stress and the work my uterus did for a few months that's made things different. The body will just take some time to reboot, that's what my doctor said and she also said that it often doesn't go back to the old normal after a pregnancy. So maybe just look on this as the new normal and see what happens. It's horribly frustrating but it also needs a bit of time for the body to recover though goodness knows I wish it could be just back to the old normal! As I'm not TTC yet, I'm hoping the next couple of months will see some EWCM. Oh, this feels like waaaaaaaay TMI!

Moomins, so good to hear from you. I'm so very sorry that you lost Jacob but glad that you've reached 32 weeks fine this time round. Wishing you a very boring eight weeks or so ahead! I have a question, which may be a little traumatic to answer, so I apologize in advance. Did you have any pain at all with the cervix opening up? I ask because I had what we think were contractions in the back (severe lower back pain) and then some pressure in the pelvic area before the water broke and I started bleeding -- and by the time I got to the hospital, the baby was almost out. What they said on the report was "fetal parts seen in the vagina." I can't figure out from reading online whether incompetent cervix involves any pain at all. My doctor's anyway said that in a future pregnancy, she'll want to give me a cervical cerclage, as she feels that will help.

fatfingers, I'm so sorry about the loss of DC3 and that you had such a hard time with DC2 as well. Not having answers is just terrifying, isn't it? I really struggle with that. I don't think TTC again is foolish, because it's your decision and your right to do whatever you and DH feel makes sense for your family. Short of having a doctor say that it's too risky, it's nobody's right to judge. Good luck and I hope 2013 sees some happy news for you.

Hi guys,

Elboll, afraid it's the same for me. I was so regular before, now all over the place and ewcm is very variable, some months I have some, others none. My shortest cycle was 23 days a couple of months ago, which came as a shock!

Moomins, thanks for coming and sharing and congrats on your pregnancy! It really is cheering to hear you're doing so well, although sad that you've had to go through so much. I had LEEP (sp?) Treatment in my early 20s for pre-cancerous cells and was told I might have to have a stitch, although I didn't get round to it in the end with everything else going on. Something to look forward to next time, I'm sure!

Fatfingers, so sorry about the loss of dc3, sounds extremely traumatic. I agree with literary, if you feel you want to try you should, I've heard very good things about the fetal medical centre in London, it's private but all the profits go into research, maybe worth a look? I'm also fairly sure I've seen ladies referring to supplements which should help lengthen your luteal phase, have you tried anything? Will try and look for you if not.

Things are ok with me. A friend of mine fell pregnant about the same time as me and we were very excited to be pregnant together...yesterday we received the text I'd been dreading that she had given birth.

I want to feel happy for them, after all, their gain doesn't take anything away from us, but it's knocked me a bit, hearing how happy they are and knowing their baby is a little human being with a nickname, making them a family unit. Roll on a clean slate in 2013, I say!

Fatfingers, just had a look, it was vitamin b6. Sure you're probably trying it already but thought it might be worth letting you know! Piz

Pizdets, I feel your pain on the friend's baby arriving. There were several people I knew expecting babies within a month or two of me and a number of these were people I talked to about the pregnancy... four babies have arrived (a couple last weekend), four are almost at full term and one is six months gone. It's very, very weird to see how they've moved forward with their pregnancies and some now have their babies and are so happy with them, when I was in the same "club" a few months back but am now in a different one... sigh. One actually has the same due date as me and another, a neighbour I see every single day, is a week ahead. It's very hard, isn't it? You want to just feel happy for them, end up feeling envious and at the same time sad but you are really also feeling relieved and happy. The mixed feelings are so tough to cope with. Roll on 2013, indeed.

Hi literary no I had no pain at all, the first I knew something was wrong was I felt a bit sick went for a wee and could feel the amniotic sac. I had no pain during the birth either.

Saying that ds2 and 3 were both born early due to pprom (preterm premature rupture of membranes) luckily at 35 and 32 weeks. With ds3 they kept me in because he was transverse and so there was a risk of cord prolapse. I only had a few mild period pains before the cord prolapsed and I was 5 cm dialated so my cervix was probably failing then.

I've since read that pprom can be caused by incompetant cervix but it's not always picked up so it's really good that your doctor has mentioned a stitch.

I have a macdonalds stitch and while there is a risk, especially when it's first put in of infection it seems the earlier it's done (14 weeks) the better the outcome. We did have the option of wait and see with scans but I just felt I couldn't risk it. The progesterone suppositories are supposed to help prevent early labour, the hospital is conducting trials at the moment.

pizdets I've had 3 d&cs due to early mc and retained placenta, which I dodnt know at the time but also increases the risk of incompetent cervix.

The procedure isn't too bad really, I had them in theatre with a spinal and was home again 6 hours later, it was quite uncomfortable and crampy for a few hours after the spinal wears off.

And yes to pg people and babies, a friends sister was due the week after me.

The worst was a women who I knew from ds2s school who had her ds at the same time as I had ds3. We moved school so I hadn't seen her for months until the day of Jacobs funeral. We had friends who travelled quite a distance so decided we would go to our local for a while after so they didn't have to drive straight back. The women from school popped in and my friend was telling her why we were there (the women didn't know it was me at this point) I walked back from the toilet and took one look at her and started to cry, she was 20 weeks pg. She cried too and I felt awful!

I haven't seen her since but have her on fb, it's weird to see pics of her dc's. Especially as there is only 11 months between them, the same as there should have been between tommy and Jacob.

Moomins, thanks so much for sharing that info. It sounds like you've had good care to prevent premature labour this time, which is great. From your description, it sounds like if I do have an incompetent cervix problem, it's not a classic case. My doctor has been very good about this -- since we don't know what exactly went wrong that caused me to go into labour, she's already made a tentative care plan for another pregnancy, assuming I do get pregnant and it sticks through the first trimester: cervical cerclage at around week 13-14, a large amount of bed- and house-rest, and some drugs/supplements to stave off premature labour. It sounds alarming but I think she just wants to be really conservative about the whole thing and minimize the risks as far as possible.

No but I do know there are women on here who have had the same sort of Experiance as you and have had cerclage and meds which have worked, so it's a good you have been offered the procedure.

It seems to be a bit of a postcode lottery, where I am cerclage is offered if you've had 2 second trimester losses or a failed rescue cerclage.

Jacobs birth was quite a long process, when I noteced my cervix had failed and got to hospital I was 2 cm dialated, for hours later I was 6. The next morning when my consultant arrived I was still 6 and he offered to place a rescue stitch which I had that morning.

Unfortunately I was too dialated and the stitch failed the next day and had to be taken out which caused my waters to break. After that my cervix started to close back down as the weight of the amniotic fluid was no longer causing my cervix to open. Jacob was born6 days later after I realised I could feel his feet in my cervix and we decided on the advice of my consultant to induce.

Don't know if it's a postcode lottery on the NHS -- I'm not from the UK, I'm in Asia, and pay for private medical care. Thank goodness for insurance.

It must have been agonizing waiting through all those days with Jacob, not knowing how things would go. I'm so sorry you had to go through that. And really hope asking this question hasn't brought up too many traumatic memories. It's so helpful to hear from you on this, anyway. Hugs.