Partner doesn't want to try yet, but i'm desperate

[justforinfo]

Hi all,
It's a little strange being on this thread as i'm normally over in car seats advising

I'm not really sure where to start, it always sounds stupid when I try and write how i'm feeling down or try to talk about it :-/

Basically, i'm desperate to try for a baby. It's all I think about every day and all I can dream about. I love my partner to bits and we are very happy together, but I want children soon (now) and he wants to wait 5 years (and that's talking him down from the initial 10 yr bombshell) We'd only be 30 in 5 years, which is nothing.... but i'm ready NOW. I don't want a baby when i'm 30, I want to be running around with my child!

I feel like there is a piece of me inside that's empty, I see other mum's and their bumps/babies and it's like getting punched right in the heart. With being a child seat advisor it's making it so hard to stay happy, i'm finishing work and breaking down.

I keep telling myself that 5 years is no time to wait, and to enjoy the child free years (holidays etc) but.... I can't explain it, I just hate the thought of waiting 5 years to even start TTC.

He's terrified having a baby will stop his life. He plays music and wants to gig and have freedom to do whatever he wants, which is fine. I also have hobbies, i've tried throwing myself into them and work to take my mind off this, thinking to get myself in optimal shape and health for when pregnancy does happen and to be saving over the years so I can take time off work (self employed), and my partner keeps re-iterating this, and I know baby talk is getting to him, but I can't help it.

Any advice? It's not fair of me to try and talk him round any more, but I just wondered if anybody else had been through anything similar?

Sad, lonely and scared :'(

Also consider how many kids you want and a minimum gap.
Im ttc no 2 and 35 soon.
People also suffer secondary infertility.

I am in the same situation now. At the end of the day you cant force someone to have a baby if he is not ready. I learned the hard way. As us females get older and are hormones change and when we feel emptiness we feel like a baby will complete us but our partners may not be ready. So if you're that desperate go out and get knocked up. I know I'm ready for a baby but my boyfriend isn't so who knows where I will be.

I really think you should look at your relationship, 25 is a perfectly good age to have kids ! Maybe you should go out with someone more mature ? To be honest if he's into gigging and music that may never stop being his thing...

There is no single answer to this. You can't change his mind, so you have to work out how the wait will affect you - could it damage your relationship? Are you absolutely confident that he'll stick to his word and start trying when those five years are up?

As a woman, you also have to work out how you'd feel if you turned out to be one of the unlucky ones who have problems getting pregnant when you start at 30, and then find yourself moving into a more dicey age for conceiving. As others have said, how many kids do you want and what age gap? Since he is making you wait, but as a woman you bear the risk of age-related conception and pregnancy issues, these are important things to think about (even though big problems are unlikely to occur to 30.)

I think for me the biggest problem in your situation would be the sense of putting my life on hold for someone for that long, and to get over that I'd genuinely have to be able to embrace a different path for a while. Only you can find out if that is possible for you - it isn't always.

In my own case, I had my two sons at 35 and 37 btw, and may try for another, so I'm not anti older motherhood. But I waited and took the risks because I had just found the right man till then, not because anyone made me wait.

Just I completely get where your coming from.

Ive been desparate to have children for years im 25 and it took be 4 years to persuade my dp to ttc.

Sadly 16 cycles down and were still not pg.

It does make sense to buy a house etc before kids (weve already done that) but if hes really not ready sadly going on about it doesnt work (I tried lol) he will get there eventually it might even be earlier than 5 years.

Pinkapple why does she need to be married??

I don't think you should feel that you need to "shut up". He should not make you feel that way especially about something that is so important to you. Do you tell him to shut up about music? I bet not.

Be careful he is not one of these guys that plays the game and acts committed in his words but not his actions. There are plenty of blokes that do this and lead women up the garden path, wasting precious years of their fertility.

Waiting five years with someone who is not even married to you is a big gamble. If you want a baby now and not in five years then I'd suggest putting it to him that waiting 5 years is a deal breaker for you and if he refuses to negotiate on it, then you have a decision to make. It will hurt far less leaving him now and having a baby with someone else, than it will when getting into your 30s and suddenly finding you are starting from scratch and the clock is ticking loudly.

Well she only had another 2 years to wait now...

Two and a half years sounds like a good compromise!
Being married - well many mumsnet threads talk about the benefits (to both men and women actually) of being married if the relationship does sadly break down. Many women let their career take a backseat after dcs and this is risky if you aren't married, for example. A married man has more automatic rights with his child than an unmarried one.

Why no zombie thread alert?

I completely understand! I'm almost 26 my boyfriend is 28 we been together 8 years own r own house have good jobs even a dog and live local to very supportive friends and family

I am desperate for a baby! Every time I see a post on Facebook about someone is having a baby it's like having 1000 knives through my heart a few weeks ago he agreed to try but he would only have sex once and hates when I talk about it and tbh it's pretty deflating and causing me to question r relationship please help it's all I can think about xz

I know this is an old post but I too am desperate for a baby, my partner doesn't understand the pain I'm feeling.

I have a daughter of my own she's 8 next month hes her step dad but he loves her all the same. We've been together 3 years we have a mortgage and got engaged last year.

We make a fantastic team he's the most incredible man i know. We never row the odd bicker but nothing all couples don't have. He compliments me daily and shows me how much he loves me and our daughter every day but for me something's missing I try not to nag him for a baby every day but it's so hard, I too work with children and It breaks my heart seeing there tiny little faces light up when mummy it daddy comes to collect them.

My daughter is desperate too she asks every day for a brother or sister I don't want her to miss out on fun with siblings if there's too bigger age gap.

My partner has said no babies yet he's not ready it's not the right time all that kind of thing.
But I feel like I'm Suffocating! It's not his fault and I don't want to force him but I can't help feeling so lost and lonely.

What do I do!!! 😢

Hi all,
I have never been on one of these things before but feel I need to try it to get some advice from people that maybe have been where I currently am. I have read through some of them and feel I am in a similar boat.

I am in a committed lesbian relationship so much so that I am engaged to my partner and am looking forward to marrying her. She is my second female relationship as I came out about 4 years ago. Having gone through relationship after relationship with men, denying who I truly am.
It was the best thing I ever did and am happy. The thing is even with men I wanted a baby and almost had one with my last boyfriend.. I didn't because the only reason he agreed to have one with me is to keep me after he broke my trust. As much as I wanted one I felt I didn't want one with someone who I didn't trust. In the end we broke and I came out as a lesbian.
I had one fail lesbian relationship but am now as I said in a committed and stable one and have plans to get hitched. We have been together over 2 years now.

However the issue remains the same I want a baby and always have done for years. But it's stinger now... the wanting to have one. She has informed me that she wants them but isn't ready and wants me to wait 3 years but I know it will saden me waiting that long and how do I k ow after those three she she won't say she's still not ready? As I am feeling desperate to have one now.

People have told me over and over again do t worry about it. Live your life together your still only young you have plenty of time bit to me they can say that till their blue in the face but to me 3 years time feels too old for me. I don't k ow what to do.

You've only been together two years.
You are (I think) 25.

SLOW DOWN! No wonder he's getting fed up with baby talk.

Zombie

OP is coming up to the 5 year mark!

Wonder if she ever did convince her OH to have a baby?!

And now that she's 30, is she now unable to run around cos she's too old?!

I'm 35 and am really happy with my partner of 2 years. I have recently become really desperate to have a baby and he is not ready. We both want children and I just don't see the point in waiting as I creep towards 40. It might take over a year to get pg and then there's a 9 month wait, by which point I'd be 37. All of my close friends have babies and toddlers. I love spending time with them and it breaks my heart not having one of my own. My partner is really worried about money and I just don't think it matters as long as you have enough (which we do). We could easily make it work and have already spoken about logistics. He just wants to wait a year to save more money which would be nice but is not essential. I know I should just wait, as my fertility won't be that different at 36 as it is at 35- I just feel like a year is forever to start trying. Anyone got any advice?

Hi, I'm kinda in the same situation as I'm desperate for a baby now but my partner is not and its putting a strain on our relationship. I'm 30 years old and been through a hell of a lot with him by my side. I had cancer at the age of 28 and it absolutely broke me, nearly lost the chance of being able to have babies. My partner and I went to a fertility clinic and said we would try when I got better but now he's not ready and I'm so desperate and worried if we wait I might lose my chance and will never forgive myself or him for it. He's 24 so yes there's a age difference but I feel like with all we been through its different. I feel pressure and I don't want to lose my place with the fertility clinic as they are willing to help if we can't get pregnant naturally. We said we would try first but we're not and I'm just in peices. What do I do?
I try my best to explain to him but he just doesn't get it and then it's like I'm forcing him. This is really getting me down. Am I in the wrong here or being selfish? I don't know because I think he is not understanding me and the fact our situation is different. We can't wait years and years. It's kind of now or never.

This is tough and unfortunately my judgement might be clouded because I’ve been in a similar situation.
I was with my ex for 3 years started from age 26, I asked if he wanted children, said yes and he certainly knew I did. Fast forward 3 years and after a couple of months of things feeling “off” with him, he suddenly announced one day he didn’t want children and had never done. Stupidly I tried to persuade him otherwise, spent time making pros and cons lists and talking through why he didn’t want them. Reasons were not being able to try new hobbies, go on holidays or to music festivals whenever he wanted and other things that indicated he just didn’t want the responsibility. We broke up soon afterwards and I was so mad that he had wasted years of my life, only for me to now be facing 30 without something I desperately wanted.
Of course I understand if people don’t want children that’s absolutely fine but not if it means hurting someone else in the process, so I think you need to make sure he definitely does.
I know how you feel when you say you think about having children all the time and that was me and nothing could stop me thinking about it. However, the fact you’re in your mid-20s means you have plenty of time and so part of me thinks don’t make any rash decisions about ending a relationship just yet. As long as you are willing to accept five years may go by and he delays it further or changes his mind completely. How is he around children? Does he seem interested or actively annoyed by them?
On the plus side, I started a new relationship about 6 months after and after 2 years of getting so upset about not having children but too scared to bring it up for fear of history repeating itself, after bursting into tears one day I finally blurted it all out to my now fiancé and he immediately replied, when would you like to start trying 😂. I’m currently 36 weeks pregnant and I just know he is going to be an amazing dad, so things work out in the end!!
So yes I’d definitely have another conversation, make sure you’re on the same page. Unfortunately there’s not much I can suggest for you to do, so you don’t obsess over it for the next five years. Only to fill your time doing nice things together and remember 30 is still young whatever situation you find yourself in.

Whoops just realised this is an old thread but @Kaler a lot of the stuff I said applies to your situation. At the end of the day you have to go with your gut and decide what it is you really want.
It’s always going to be a tough situation whatever decision you make but you need to decide what’s most important to you. For me that was having children and finding someone who was equally excited about starting a family with me.

We been together 3 years and yes he tells me he wants children even picked out baby names but just not right now. I want babies now and it's mostly because I'm scared I will lose my chance of being able to. He's 24 so still young but I'm 30 and Luck hasn't been on my side so far. I love him so much it hurts and I wouldn't want to have a family with anyone else but him. I desperately want him to want it now because of everything we have been through to get to this point.

@Kaler I’m so sorry, it really does sound like you’re between a rock and a hard place with this situation.
It’s definitely encouraging he seems interested in having children so that’s good.
If you don’t mind me asking what did you have done at the fertility clinic? Were there initial tests that the results are looking promising and that’s partly why he’s changed his mind about trying now because he doesn’t see an immediate issue? Has he said when he might like to try?
I would say try and get as many initial tests done as possible, it might help you put your mind at rest enough not to rush into a decision about the relationship. I paid £60 for an ultrasound before getting pregnant to check everything looked good and it helped me keep a positive attitude.
However I will say ultimately if children is something you want and know you will not be able to accept not having them or at least trying for them then you need to make the decisions that will. It’s a crappy crappy decision and I will say I clung on for so long and even tried to convince myself I could live without them. Especially because apart from the children issue, the relationship was great and it’s only in hindsight that I realise it was the right thing to end it because I’m even happier now than I could imagine at the time.
I think if you could get him to give a timeframe and decide am I ok with waiting that time and if he still says no after then, I will accept that and move on or if you’re not happy with the length of time he needs, know that however hard it is, you’re going after something you want and I personally believe you will never regret that even if it still doesn’t work out how you want in the end. That might be the best option for now.