Angels and Rainbows - The beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. But it can provide colour and hope.

[Whatevertheweather]

“Rainbow Babies” is the understanding that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that the family is not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover but the rainbow provides a counter balance of color, energy and hope.

DH and I used to go for huge long walks over the hills in the early weeks. Not saying much but just being together and walking until we were exhausted.

Read a story on works intranet yesterday of a lady who works in another office saying she only found out she was pg at 25 weeks. Its had me thinking that wouldn't that be wonderful, to get to that stage without the worry of knowing you were pg.

Gosh, everyone's gone a bit quiet.

I have just phoned in sick to work because I had BH for a lot of yesterday afternoon, and then they came back during OBEM and were really uncomfortable, mixed with stabbing pains in my cervix. Couple that with a dodgy tummy this morning and work is definitely low on my agenda for the day. The community MW is coming to see me this afternoon anyway, so I thought I would just take it easy. The staff nurse told me not to drink tea, coffee, hot chocolate, orange juice or milk in case I upset my tummy further - I really want a cup of tea! Might compromise on decaf.

X post, Fan! Yes, that would be great, sailing through 25 whole weeks without worrying. Of course, then I would worry about what I'd been drinking or eating instead.

Too rest up & take care xxx

that is true too. I guess it sounds so great because ttc is so tiring!

You rest up today and post on here when you get bored, I will be here to post aswell, work is so boring! Im also feeling a little rough today, hoping its not another UTI. Im fed up with them and their symptoms that feel like early pg! I guess reading that yesterday made me want to be pg even more if that possible! Its gutting to think some people get pg without noticing, why does that happen and others of us have to toil away at trying and trying. I guess Im just having one of those days where I feel utter dispair at my situation and wish so much it was different. I just have this longing at the moment to have something to hold and look after, that is what I should be doing. Maybe its because I am going back out on the tools the week after next, my hopes of getting pg before this happened have not come to fruition, and its depressing. I will now have to let the whole world know Im pg again, I dont want to have to do that, I want to be able to get my head around it before I have to tell all. If my pg in July had of held I would be nearly due and probably on my mat leave by now. I hate what if's.

Im not upset just a bit angry at it all, I know you all understand.

blizy I hope you are holding up ok and if your not thats ok too.

Too- how nice of your husband to offer support to whatever, what a lovely man you have. Hope you are feeling ok?

Whatever- how are you and Dh?

Fan- oh no, I hope it's not a uti!

I'm not doing so good just now, I'm so emotional and crying at the drop of a hat. It feels very much like being back in the early days. I can get through Zoe's birthday .

Ciwi- how are doing?

Thanks Angel, Fan and Blizy. I've had a lovely nap and a sandwich and I feel much better.

Fan, , I hope you feel better soon and it's not a UTI. Maybe sod's law will work in your favour re the tools - you'll get pg and then you'll have to come off the tools again within a month. It does suck to have to tell everyone so soon, but being pg again will be so great that you might not mind too much. I really hope it happens soon for you. Are you still getting a rat?

Oh Blizy . You can do this! You can get through Zoe's birthday. Have you taken Tuesday off?

Ciwi, sorry, when I asked if you were counting down to Monday I meant the 29th! For some reason I thought Monday was the 29th and I've just realised it isn't.

Finally uploads some photos! Now going to read and catch up while Ella is still asleep.

blizy huge hugs, I found the time leading up to Scarlett's birthday worse than the actual day, it was difficult but the anticipation of it was harder for me. I hope you're getting through the days peacefully xx

fan hope you're not getting another uti. I know what you mean about the what ifs, I go through so many in my head; not only about Scarlett but with Ella also. I feel somewhat guilty that she had to be born earlier than we thought because of the diabetes, all the tubes and wires and I feel responsible :( I'm obviously immensly grateful that she's here and healthy now but I guess I have the time to reflect on the scbu stay now and it's quite hard.

I couldn't watch obem after Scarlett died, I enjoyed it before then though. I've seen a couple of the recent series now but it's still a difficult watch. There was part of one that hard my heart in my mouth and I found very emotional.

Too I had those stabby cervix pains and like to think they were doing something along with all the BH! My labour was quite easy really so maybe they helped!

whatever my dh did struggle a lot and the thing that really helped him is when he started counselling. I think it was partly because he could actually just sit down and it was about him for the hour and talk without the worry of upsetting me. He spent a lot of time trying to make me feel better and not upset me so I think it was good for him to be able to talk about how he felt.

I saw a big difference in him after his sessions which lasted and he's gradually dealt with things a bit more. He was the strong one for the first 6 months or so after we lost Scarlett and I fell apart. He was there and did everything. Then I got pregnant and found things a bit easier in a way so picked up a bit and then things hit him. We swapped roles at that point and I was the strong one but it worked for us. It was a conscious thing but one that we just naturally fell into.

razz glad your scan went well. I had tons of extra fluid and it was down to GD, she was also large for her gestation with a bigger tummy. Scarlett was breech right until the end but this time Ella turned a few weeks before she was born having been breech for ages! I hope you get some answers about the size, fluid and sugar. I had sugar in my urine a few times but I had GD so that would explain that.

spilt 6 months! Wow, that has gone so quickly!

blue I couldn't give up fb and MN, good luck though and hope you get a bfp soon xx

ciwi thinking of you xx

maxpower thank you! I remember you from Scarlett's antenatal group :) hope you're doing well too x

lovely photos cheese shes a little cutey.

Ohhh, look at baby Ella, she's so cute! Cheese, she's beautiful. I am so ! Don't feel guilty about her birth - it wasn't your fault and you did everything you could to keep her in and to keep yourself healthy. She must be doing well now to be allowed home, so don't beat yourself up. What happens now with GD - does it just vanish?

Hi everyone,
Don't mean to sound like I a having a moan but I am just really struggling through these last few days, I just can't believe that everything is going to be ok and a week feels like a lifetime. I am 37 weeks tomorrow and I have begged them to bring my induction forward but they won't budge on next Wednesday. On top of this my sister has had a beautiful baby girl and I feel horrible saying it but I am so jealous, she has her baby safe and I am so scared I will lose mine. I am supposed to go and see her later but she is on the ward where I lost Ciaran and I just don't think I can go there, she has had a section too so will be in a few days, I was hoping she would be home quickly and I wouldnt have to go in there. It's so hard but just thinking about going back there is bringing back too many memories, I can't stop crying.
I will post properly later when I have calmed down, just needed to get that off my chest, dh is at uni and I don't feel like I can talk to anyone else as they are all excited about my sisters baby.

Thanks fan and too :) With the GD it's supposed to go, I should have an appointment sent out for a blood test around 6 weeks after birth I believe to check my sugar levels. I've been feeling well though so I'm hoping it's all ok. I have quite a high chance of developing type 2 diabetes in the future now I've had GD though, around 50% if I recall correctly.

ciwi oh huge hugs. Can you go back and see your consultant? It's really not in your best interests to be so anxious and worried. Your mental health is really important too and if you're so distraught they should be taking you seriously. I would definitely ask for a second opinion. 37 weeks is very respectful and I can't see why they wouldn't induce. At the very least can you go in for daily monitoring or be admitted?

If going in to see your sister is too much for you then please don't do it, wait for her to be home. Say you're ill or anything if you don't want to say the truth, not sure what your relationship with her is like. You need to take care of yourself right now and that includes your mental health. Your baby will be here soon and you will feel such relief. Wish I could do more to help xxx

Oh Ciwi, I'm sure sister will understand that you can't go to the hospital for visiting, it is completely understandable. I second cheese about badgering the consultant. I really feel for you right now and wish I could do something to help you. X

And breathe ...
Thanks girls, I have had a little lie down and baby was wriggling everywhere so that made me feel a bit better. It's my twin sister and she is the closest person to me apart from dh, I think thats why I would feel so awful if I don't go in. My other 2 sisters are coming with me and they all know I am apprehensive so they are all geared up to support me if needed. I have broken down several times now and the midwives have tried to get him to change his mind but he won't. I am going in for monitoring again tomorrow and on monday and they said they may try and do a sweep so I suppose there is a small chance I could go into labour before Wednesday. It's so hard because I know that only people who have been where we have been can possibly understand just how real the fear is. This forum is a god send!
cheese your photos are lovely, she is so cute x
too the last bit is by far the hardest isnt it? I didn't really expect it to be this difficult.
blizy birthdays are hard and it does bring all those raw early day feelings back. I got through by just keeping as busy as possible mostly by making Ciaran a birthday cake. Its been 16 months since we lost Ciaran now and the feelings I have felt today makes it feel like yesterday :(
fan totally understand your frustration at people who are so blasé about ttc, it just doesn't seem fair when we try so hard to have our babies when others just drop them out without worrying. I saw a programme the other day about a drug addict who kept having babies and having them taken off her, she took drugs all through her pregnancy and baby was fine. It just doesn't make sense when we all looked after our babies so well and I worry if an egg yolk was slightly runny! It sometimes seems that the less you care, the easier it is.
Hi to everyone else x

Ciwi, huge hugs. I don't think I could go back into the same ward. I've changed hospitals, and when we had to go back to the first one for the amnio and for the complaint meeting, I hated it and was convinced it would jinx Bean. I don't even like driving past it (luckily don't have to very often). I'm sure your twin would understand. I'm a twin too and my sister wouldn't be offended if I didn't come in, under the circumstances. One thing about being so close to someone is that you can explain to them what's going on in your head and they get it. I hope the monitoring helps to keep you calm(ish) - you will get there and you will have a baby! FX for labour starting spontaneously tomorrow. Are you having any labour symptoms?

I didn't expect it to be this difficult either! Sometimes I feel really optimistic, and sometimes I feel like these are the last few days of Bean's life and I should savour every moment because they're all I'm going to get. Sometimes I even get as far as picturing bringing her home.

My boss has advised me to just stay off now because mat leave was starting a week on Mon anyway - yay! I'm going to see if the GP will sign me off, and if not I'll sign myself off until Wed and then advance my mat leave by 2 days to cover Thurs and Fri. Hooray for no more work!

Hi everyone. All your worries and concerns have hit me too. Sitting here crying. I want Mia back. I want to be pregnant, I want my life to be different. I can't bear any more sadness and disappointment. I want all the pg ladies here to have their beautiful babies safely, and all of us ttc to get the wonderful pregnancies we long for. Most of all, I want our hearts to be filled with the love and joy given by our beautiful children... Sorry. Just realised that four months ago this time today, Mia was still fine and feel totally overwhelmed.

Oh Ciwi big hugs my love. The end really must be the hardest. It does seem very unreasonable of the consultant not to bring forward your date. What are his/her reasons? I hope that you can get to a level of monitoring that will help you through these last few days of waiting. Soon you will have your screaming baby xxx

Blizy sorry to hear you're struggling in the run up to Zoe's birthday though totally understandable. What are your plans for her day? xx

Too hurray for early maternity leave though sorry you've been having some pains. Sounds like a nice boss you have. You're so close now. Hope you feel better soon and that you have a few nice things planned. Thank you again to your lovely dh for his advice xx

Fan I really hope the law of the sod gets you and you get your bfp and are off the tools very soon! Must be nice to be outside in the warmer weather. I've been working in Ocean Village today and it was glorious this afternoon.

Cheese oh Ella is so so gorgeous It must be wonderful having her home xx

Miasmummy ((hugs)) sorry you're having a tough time too. Life has been so very cruel to all of us. It can be hard to carry on smiling sometimes, but that's okay lovely, you don't have to be strong and brave all the time xx

Has anyone heard from Shakeyjake she must be due around now? Hope you are well if you're reading Shakey

Off to London tomorrow with dp to a gig, I got him the tickets for Christmas. He's always wanted to see them live so is looking forward to it - has come at a good time. He seems a little better for telling me how he feels. Then we've got K's 5th disco birthday party on Saturday - 30 4+5yr olds wish me luck!! Erin would have been exactly 6 months old on Saturday - she should have been at her big sister's party and may have even got a tiny try of birthday cake. Half a year,I can't believe it. It will be a bittersweet day.

Love to all xxx

Mia I know it's so hard. I want Georgie & Phoebe here. They should be it's not fair. Take care xxxx
Ciwi you will get there.see if they ll let you stay in if that will help. I found being in hospital helped me as we live a good 20-30 minutes away & I couldn t risk that. I m sure your sister will understand you have to do whatever you need to at the moment. I found the last week the hardest & truely felt like I would go mental!!!so much that on my section date I was obviously nervous bit also hugely relieved that the waiting would be over xxxxxx I know you can t imagine it but if I cam do so can you, you will be fine xxxxx
Too yeh for mat leave. Glad you re resting xxx
Cheese glad all is well ... Will you send me a friend request on FB? Then I can see your photos pls? Louise Sadler-Harris xxx
Hi all love to all xxxx
Love to Blizy & Zoe xxxx

ciwi I hope you're ok when you visit your sister. I would definitely ask for a second opinion, it's unreasonable of your consultant to refuse to move forward your induction. My consultant was so understanding and was going to induce at 36 weeks but she would have gone a few days earlier, if I couldn't cope, I suspect. Hang in there, I felt so anxious and I only went to 34 weeks. I couldn't have gone 37 weeks without losing my mind. If it doesn't happen sooner then I hope Wednesday goes well, my cervix wasn't favourable at all (my bishop's score was 3) and they even tried moving my cervix forward when they put the gel in but it wouldn't budge; so don't be disheartened if yours is similar as I went into labour easily. I really hope they agree to start inducement sooner though.

Too We also changed hospitals, thankfully, never been so glad of anything before. Dh couldn't go back to the other hospital, not at all and neither could I, it was horrible going back for the PM results. Glad you've finished work now :)

Miasmummy (hugs) it's so difficult trying to deal with everything, take it easy on yourself xx

whatever haven't heard from Shakey, hope she's ok. It is lovely having Ella home with us now, it was awful at scbu seeing her so helpless and with all the wires in her. So glad that she's ok and I know she needed to be born then but it didn't make it any easier to cope with.

Angel I'll send you a request :)

Hi Ladies. Sorry I went AWOL there. We went to South Africa to visit DHs family, had a lovely break inspite of MIL!
First things first, massive congratulations cheese on the birth of your beautiful daughter Ella. So so happy for you.
ciwi you're almost there too, I can't imagine the fear - watched OBEM last night and the midwife seemed so sympathetic to the lady who had lost her first baby, saying how after a loss you convince yourself that it's going to happen again, but it's just you not daring to hope. I'm watching this space for news of your rainbow.
Fan how's it going? I think I might have a uti too , will be the third one in as many months and I dont want to take any more antibiotics. Will be cracking open the cranberry with you.
Hey too no more work! Hope you're managing to relax and feeling a bit better.
miasmum your sadness always has me welling up - I wish things were different for you, I sometimes think of all of us a few years down the line, all with our rainbow babies but still all remembering our lost children together and it's a nice thought - that time will come I'm sure of it.
I see blue's given us up for lent... maybe she'll be back with a bfp by Easter
Hi wtw I read you've got yr nuchal scan on 1st march, is that right (on phone and cant look back to check)? Will keep an eye out for updates. I got my results back yesterday and I'm in the low risk group so that was a relief.
And manic waves to everyone else - hope you're all ok

Quick update from me - I'm 15+5 today and feeling good, well except for a stiff neck and terrible constipation but I'm not complaining.... that much. I've felt a couple of 'kicks' in the last week and can find the littl'uns heartbeat really easily with the Doppler now. I'm actually quite excited, for now at least.

Oh wtw, will be thinking of you also on Saturday - I just passed the 6 month anniversary of Jacob's birth and found it very hard. Lots of tears.
You too blizy for Zoe's first birthday -

Miasmummy, I wish there was something to say that would take your pain away, but there isn't. Of course you want Mia back. I can't imagine the agony of losing an older child, and so suddenly and unexpectedly. I am so sorry this happened to you, and to all of us. I hope everyone ttc does fall pg very quickly and that all the rainbow babies stay to bless us.

Wtw, hope you and DH enjoy the gig tomorrow! Have a lovely time. And I hope the birthday party goes well - 30 4 & 5 year olds - wow! Bravery.

Angel, hello - love to Phoebe.

Cheese, I think my biggest current worry (well, ok, apart from the obvious!) is that Bean will be ill when she's born and need to stay in SCBU. I think I'll go crazy if she's separated from me. I don't think I can cope with going home empty-handed again. You were so brave and strong. I am in awe of your strength.

August, glad to hear you had a brilliant holiday - welcome back! 15+5, yay! And how marvellous to be feeling flutters already.