mid 30s, TTC #1, 2 years so far, fed up. anyone else?

[CaipirinhasAllRound]

Just wondering how many of us there are in the same boat

I think it's now official - this is the unluckiest chat group ever!!!

But - I'm determined to be optimistic - surely the recent run of bad luck & rubbish news here means we're due a change of luck? missbrightside will you be first to lead the charge? How's it going at ARGC? I'm thinking of getting an appt next time I'm in the UK.

What have you all been up to over the weekend? I've had a really boring one generally - lots of chores mainly but I did visit my new kitten - I pick her up in 2 weeks time!

Hello girls

A v.quick one. It's my last week at work this week for three weeks (thanks GP !) and I'm panicking about all I have got to get done !!

Hope everyone is well. Yes, this hasn't been the happiest or luckiest of threads - but our luck can change !!

Lesley Am jealous about the kitten (a top floor flat has put hold on that one !). ARGC is a mad place. Honestly, you have to see it to believe it (so many women there at times that it is standing room only in the waiting room !) But so far I'm liking it. Have just started stimming so we will see ..... wait three weeks and I'll let you know if it was worth blowing all our savings with them !!!!!

xxx

Hey girls

Very exciting news about your kitten lesley. We have a 3 year old cat which is 70% lovely, 30% shitbag. Love having him around though

missbrightside I have everything crossed that you will break this run of bad luck! When are you expecting to go in for EC?

I feel like I've had a good few weeks of normality for the first time in ages, to the point that I'm now far happier with the prospect of life without children. We'll do a frozen cycle in June and if that doesn't work we think we might forget about actively trying, at least so that I can get a new job (half expect this is temporary and thatonce we're back on the ivf rollercoaster we will change our minds again). I'm starting to feel that we could have a great life as long as we put some effort in, starting tonight as DH is coming into London after work to have dinner and drinks with me and friends.

I am known for changing my mind like the wind but I'm feeling much happier about it all at the moment

Hope everyone else is ok xx

You sound really sorted caipirinhas - long may it continue! I suspect our cat will have a good % of shitbag - will certainly be a challenge to my OCD tendencies!

missbrightside v encouraged to hear your experience of ARGC so far. Do you mind me asking how much the cycle will cost? Not sure what stage you're at (I've only ever done short protocol) but hope it's all going smoothly.

V boring weekend here - went to niece's 1st birthday - heaps of babies & preggars peeps so been hibernating ever since. Few chores, some old movies & red wine! Think IVF last month screwed my cycle as I think I've o'ed 10 days late - v annoying as we missed the window (I still live in hope it'll happen naturally!)

Hope you all had fab weekends. Anything exciting?

Keep thinking about notnow. Hope they work things out.

Hello girls

Caiphirinas Glad you are feeling positive about things - and hope you enjoyed your night out ! Hope your review appointment went well (sorry - you may have told us it did - my memory is shot to pieces at the moment). I am still very very far from where you are now. DP and I said at the outset that we would do three rounds of IVF and then accept we have to move on. Lets just say we have now exercised the right to change our minds and are now thinking that a clinic abroad will be the next step ..... I fear that we are both falling in the grips of IVF addiction. There are much cheaper addictions to have ....

BUT not sure why I am being so pessimistic (think I just like to have our next steps in place). IVF take three is far from over and so far is going to plan ....

Lesley Hope the kitty has settled in well. What colour is it ? We are on day 8 of stimming. No idea when egg collection will be yet but presumably towards the end of next week. Cost was my main concern with ARGC. They really do work on an individual basis and so won't give you a cost estimate at the outset. I was really worried that we would start something that could so easily spiral out of control. As it happens we seem to be one of their more 'simple' cases with only minor immune issues (for which I've avoided any expensive treatments) and a on relatively low dosage of medication. To get to egg collection we will have spent around £8k. If you look at their price list on line they are no more on paper than any other clinic. But where the costs rack up are the daily blood tests (costing £60 - £120 per day) and the medication (they use Fostimon and Merional which are both expensive. 150 iui of Fosimon costs £50 .... ) But their attention to detail has been second to none. If we go through this and get a -ve I think it will be hard for me to criticise anything they have done .....

Anyhow, I'm starting to get negative again now so I'm logging off. I'm starting to get a bit jittery as we get nearer to collection (it's after that our cycles seem to go rapidly downhill ... ) and so I'm going to just keep positive - concentrate on ourselves (rather than constantly comparing our situation with others !!) - and stay away from anything fertility related on the internet for a bit .... I'll be back to let you know how it goes !!

Speak to you soon. Take care all.

xxx

PS : Not Now Just in case you do have a sneeky look on here I do hope that you are ok xx

Caipirinhas - glad you are feeling better about everthing and that you are putting yourself first. Often we don't put ourselves first in life and I feel like we sometimes should a bit more. Hope you are getting out and about in this lovely sunshine.

MissB - glad everything is ticking along well for you too. How's it coming along this week? I have no idea about the process but it sounds like it's going well. You're right about not comapring situations, but it's so hard isn't it? Anyway, must be positive . . .

Lesley -I'd love a cat, but I'm allergic to their fur and I also don't want them bringing me dead or alive things or things with heads falling off as I'd definitely be sick! I want a dog instead, but we are out of the house for too many hours of the day for it to be fair on Mr or Mrs Dog. However, if TTC doens't work out I will HAVE to have a dog!

Thinking of Notnow too. x

Oh I forgot to say that we had been waiting for our referral to the fertility clinic for about a month and then DH found out that the GPs hadn't done anything with it. DH was even more furious than me though. So he saw them this week and promptly got a referral. Just waiting for an appointment now.

Well this week i am 35, which is the official age at which my fertility nosedives (according to most books, pamphlets, websites, ...).
The neighbour has announced she is pregnant.
DP has just let me know that his sis is pregnant.
Colleague is just back from mat leave.
When is it my turn?
AAARRRGGGHHH

Oh yes qaz (hope you don't mind that I've shortened it to make it easier to type! ) I counted up how many people have got preggers since we started TTC (REALLY, DON'T DO IT!) and my count was 28, but has since gone up. It's a real shitter. I'm 34 too and been at this since I was 32.

Although I would add, there's lots of people who have been trying longer than I have on here. It doesn't take away form your own situation though and as MissB wrote further back, you shouldn't compare situations, but it's hard not to of course.

I'm so glad I have on here to vent. In RL I can only grit my teeth and smile and congratulate/show an interest/crochet them a baby blanket or toys. It's not that I'm not delighted for them but I just wish it was me too. It makes me feel like a horrible selfish person to feel this way but i can't help it. Hopefully by the sheer fact I've posted on here it will rub off on you lot and you'll all get a flood of BFPs.. Although please provide me with chocolate before breaking the news to me.

Argh lost my message I posted to you Qaz. Just wanted to say I feel the same and I do sometimes feel like a selfish person because of it but then I think we're allowed to rebel against being nice sometimes. I think it's okay to feel how we do. I'm so glad too that I can say things openly on here without being judged in the way you would be in real life. If I didn't have here I think I'd go mad! People who have not had difficulties just do not understand no matter how much they try or want to help. Anyway, do visitor us again Qaz. Hope you are feeling better now it's the weekend at least.

Hello girls

How are you all ? All ok I hope. Welcome Qaz

No idea what to tell you about IVF cycle 3. It has been an emotional one. In terms of number we had our worst result by far. DP and I were gutted. Still not so sure why it went so wrong. Short version of a long story is that we only had two viable embryos to transfer. But, in a sort of twist of fate they have ended up being out best quality to date. And quality must trump quantity ? So really not sure what to make of it to be honest. Test day is next week. I'll let you know if it was time, money and emotion well invested or completely wasted .....

xxx

Right ladies, I've popped back in because I need to offload/ask for opinions and the women on the relationships board frankly terrify me.

First, sorry for the lack of personals but I will tell you honestly that I am completely self-absorbed at the moment. I hope you are all well and that you are coping with all the crap healthily. Brightside, I did read your last post about the high-quality shrimps - that sounds promising.

I have now moved out of my house and in with my parents (eek - I am nearly 37!) and we are talking about putting the house on the market next weekend. I am in pieces. All the reasons for splitting up are good and sufficient: he doesn't want to have children and won't go ahead with IVF with me, he had a (short) affair and explained his reasons rather than trying to make amends, he likes the peace and quiet now I have moved out and really isn't fighting for our marriage at all.

So why don't I feel that I'm doing the right thing? Two months ago, apart from being pretty permanently fucked off by the ttc business, I was completely happy in the relationship - 11 years with hardly a cross word, reasonable sex life and basically marriage to my best friend. I miss him (I only moved out on Saturday so I realise this is premature) and can't believe we're not going to be old people together. Well, that I'm not going to be choosing his care home (he's 13 years older than me). His age is basically the problem - it means that he feels the baby-making part of his life is over.

I'm not telling this very well - my head is all over the place. If it were just the affair, I am pretty sure I could get past it. I have always believed that an affair would not be the deal-breaker as long as it was over and wasn't about love (and didn't involve long-term deception). Anyway, I love the fucker. If it were just the baby thing and he were offering me endless love and an exciting child-free life, I don't know whether it would be something I could go for but I'm not even getting that. He doesn't seem to know what he wants.

All I can think about, now that I'm sitting watching repeats on my mum's sofa, is that I might be doing the wrong thing. I know it doesn't read like that. I don't want to be single. I have no idea what worth self-respect has in comparison with love. I would take him back tomorrow on almost any terms. I hate myself for this. My mum was a proper 70s feminist. All I want to do is have a home and a family and I'd be willing to give that up for a man who treats me like crap. What the hell is wrong with me?

I'm nearly 37. I'm infertile. I have only had one real relationship. I'm still in love with my shit-head husband, who also loves me 'but maybe not enough' as he charmingly says. I have left him, basically because he made me.. How on earth do I turn this into the recipe for a happy life? I can't see a future that's not shit. I am childless, alone and homeless. Self-pity is coming on strong this evening.

Sorry for the whining. I feel like you guys may understand, even though I don't. Any ideas?

Hey there notnow - so glad you felt you could come back on here, been thinking about you heaps. Can't believe how quickly things seem to be moving for you. Your message made my heart ache, what an impossible, surreal situation you're in. I don't know what to say. I've been having crazy thoughts lately as I'm going to the uk next week and wondering what would happen if I just didn't come back. I've become a stressed out, neurotic, no fun, control freak and OH seems to bring out the worst in me as we just don't seem to operate on the same frequency anymore. I'm also totally sick of being in a sexless marriage (I don't count 3 functional shags in O week as a sex life). Have you and your husband tried couples counselling? Which is the bigger fear for you - not being with him or not being able to imagine an alternative life? Proceeding with IVF with donor sperm might be an option if being a mum is your top priority. But sometimes I wonder if creating a life that's full & happy without kids isn't the safer and more sane option. For me, that will make me re-think where I live, my relationship and work. For you, dropping ttc might open up lots of options - including saving your marriage. But it's a bloody tough thing to genuinely give up on. I'm not sure I'm ready. And you say your husband doesn't seem to want to fight for your marriage but I suspect ttc may have zapped him of all his fight? Or/and he just needs some space and time? Gosh - sorry - don't feel I have said anything useful. But after a v messy break up (after 10 years), I found you really need to try not to look too far ahead, focus on today & what you need to get you through - if u miss him, call him. Don't analyse conversations & read into things. Can u postpone house sale? That seems a big step if you're still willing to fight for the relationship? Take care xxx

brightside great news on your cycle! I can imagine the stress of it all but it really is quality over quantity. Good luck & keep us posted! Saw my Dr yesterday and he thinks I should try flare protocol - but I've since read up online and all the advice says no, so now I'm confused. What protocol did ARGC put you on? Was it an agonist antagonist conversion?

Notnow- I don't really have any good advice I'm afraid just a few thoughts on what you've said. It's good to hear from you and yes, the relationship boards can be a bit militant I think. So here's my offering for what it's worth.

I don't think you should worry about the whole feminist self-respect slant just now. It's your marriage and if you still want to make it work then you should fight for it even if DH doesn't want to. Ttc puts a whole different slant and pressure on a relationship, so there are some things you have said which ordinarily I would suggest are unforgivable but with the pressure of Ttc, they can be accounted for and maybe understood to some degree even if you don't accept them. I think you've got to work out what you want in the long term and go from there as Lesley said. If you got back together on the terms of not having children would it always be nagging at you and eventually make you resent him, or would you be able to live with it? Are your struggles because of Ttc, or were they already there and Ttc has brought them to the forefront? Maybe answering these might be painful but they might also help you.

Lastly, I was thinking about the love thing. By behaving as he has is it a direct result of Ttc (as I mentioned above) or is he just trying to get out of the relationship albeit in a cowardly way by making you make the decision? If he doesn't love you "enough" then how would your life be having children and being married to a man who isn't fully committed to the relationship? You could find that he strays again in the future for the same reasons or others that he invents. I guess what worries me Notnow is that he isn't penitent from what you've said. It's almost as if he wants to see how far he can go because as I said before he wants you to do it and he's too much of a coward to do it himself.

Can I just say that I'm sorry if I've got any of this wrong of have written anything you think is out of line. I'm just airing a few thoughts in the hope that it will help you, but of course I am in no real position to judge.
Hope it helps in some way.

I've got everything crossed for you Miss B. x

Our referral for the fertility clinic came through for July which is good bit more bloody waiting then.

Hope everyone else is okay

Apologies for the lack of punctuation in my last message - I was typing on my phone and it was quite late so didn't proof-read it.

Thanks for your replies - some food for thought there. I don't have any updates as nothing has really happened since Sunday but am thinking hard about what I want (no real answers there still). It's so frustrating when you know exactly what you really want but have to agonise over the less-good options.

It's good news that you have your appointment, Bearface. Plenty of time to get mentally ready before July.

Ah thanks Notnow. Very sweet of you to even mention that what with everything you've got going on. If I knew you in RL I'd take you out for coffee and a big fat slice of cake and/or the pub. Hoping you've got some support and are looking after yourself. I can only say maybe choose the right thing for yourself for both now and the future you too. Good luck.

How's everyone else doing? Has the kitten torn your house to pieces but looks at you adoringly Lesley? Any news MissB?

Well, I met up with DH on Thursday night. Bearing in mind that we have only had basic text conversations since I moved out last weekend, he spent an hour telling me all about his work stresses before he even asked how I was doing. He also told me that he'd been wondering whether we should ever have got married at all. I, on the other hand, told him that I had been thinking hard and that I thought I could give up the idea of having children in order to make a happy married life together - basically that I love him more than I want children. To which he replied...zilch. No real response at all. So I guess that's it, or at least I have done all I can and the ball is firmly in his court. He'd have to really, really try hard to convince me that he's committed after this. I'm done chasing after him and begging him to love me. If he doesn't, or doesn't enough, then I know where I stand. I feel weirdly numb.

Lesley, your kind, sane words really helped me, thank you. I hope you find your own way too. Brightside, I still have my fingers very firmly crossed for you and keep popping in hoping for news. Caipirinhas, how's it going for you?

I'm sorry Notnow. I don't know what to say. I hope you're okay.

Hi everyone

real quickie from me for now
notnow, really sorry to hear the latest, hope you're ok and coping
missbrightside, any news?

We had a great holiday and I'm struggling to get back into the TTC swing of things

Will write more soon x

Hello girls

Sorry for my absence. A combination of being busy and internet problems at home (yes BT, I am VERY angry) mean that I haven't logged on for a bit ......

Not Now How nice to see you back - but sorry to hear of your current circumstances. I was so hoping that things might just resolve themselves for you. Just take each day at a time .....

Caiphirinas Hope you enjoyed your holiday !

Bearface July will be here before you know it. I was shocked at the realisation earlier that we are nearly half way through the year ...... !

Lesley Hope you are well. You are probably back in the UK by now. Hope you are enjoying your trip.

Right - I have some news ..... we appear to have got a BFP ! Only found out on Monday so literally just taking it one day at a time at the moment .....

xxx

Wow missbrightside that is amazing news!!!
How exciting!!! I understand taking it one day at a time and I have everything crossed that everything goes smoothly from here on

So pleased you for xxx

Oh missb what wonderful news! So so pleased for you. X x x