Indecision - how to decide to ttc?

[MysteryCat]

Hi everyone. I'm new on here and just wanted some advice before ttc.

I've just turned 36 (happily married for 7 years, no kids yet) and have never felt broody. I've always been one of those people that said they would never have kids. However, in the past year, I've begun to wonder if I've changed my mind. It could be my biological clock ticking or could be that my closest friend has recently had a baby - but now I'm starting to think that perhaps I would like to start a family.

The problem is that after years of being convinced that I didn't want kids now I'm worried about whether ttc is the right decision. I'm generally a cautious person who doesn't rush into things but I'm aware that at 36, if I do want a family, I need to decide and start trying.

I just wondered if there was anyone out there who wasn't 100% sure about whether ttc was the right thing but went for it anyway? I feel a bit of an idiot being undecided as everyone I know seems to be sure one way or the other.

I have some sympathy with your position. I am also one of those people who said they would never have kids and was not the slightest bit broody through my twenties and early 30s. Some time in my early 30s, my view started to change. It took me quite a while to fully come to terms with my about-face and also to get my then boyfriend (now husband) on board. The first few times we tried, it felt a bit like jumping off a cliff. It is taking rather a long time for me, so I have now had plenty of time to come to terms with it and am now sure that this is what I want (although I do still sometimes have moments where I get scared when I think about how much my life will change). BTW, I think it was my friends starting to have children that started my biological clock ticking too. It went from being something completely alien to me to me thinking "that looks like a nice life".

You are right that you don't have too much time to dither about this decision though. Whilst plenty of women do manage to have kids in their early 40s, many don't.

I don't think everyone is as certain about their decision as you think though. I've seen plenty of "what the hell have I done" posts on here from people who have got their BFP, often after trying for quite some time. The good thing about pregnancy taking 9 months is that you have some time to get used to the idea once there is no going back!

I've always wanted to have kids 'at some point' but when my almost husband said quite literally 'I'm going to get you pregnant' (DTD actually, TMI I know, & it seems a bit callous & perhaps a little out of order) but if he hadn't done that, I would have put it off again & again, & then be mid-thirties & maybe find it difficult... It happened straight away, which was a surprise but immediately I knew I was totally happy with it. It's the best thing I've ever done, for me it put everything into perspective & now we're TTC #2.

Do it when you feel 'ready' because it will still change your life in ways you've never dreamt of & you'll think I'm not ready for this a million times. Obviously very few mums would come on a site like this & say I wish I'd never has kids, so not sure how many people 'change' their mind, but I suspect once those pg hormones kick in, most women feel they've made a good decision.

Good luck & fingers crossed you get what you want...

You sound like me Op, I hit 36, SIL and lots of friends had babies in a short space of time and suddenly I thought maybe that's the life for us. DH got a huge shock when I told him after many years of hearing me adament that it would never happen and I wouldn't change my mind. Now we've been trying for a year and I still wonder if its the right thing but after spending a day like today with my niece I know its what I would like deep down, that doesn't mean that I'm not still at least a bit scared of the reality of such a life change...

Just like Euro, I was going along with my life very happily for a while, then realised actually I was looking at babies in an "awww" fashion rather than a shudder! I started trying when I turned 36, and sadly 18 months on have had no joy. It took me 2 years to go from "oh hang on, is that ticking I can hear?" to being fully on board and having persuaded OH that we could do this. Needless to say, I really wish I hadn't dithered all that time. I can't say what you should do OP, only you and your partner can do that. But my experience (my own plus friends too) is that the clock only ever gets louder.

Good luck with whatever you decide, and keep us posted

Hi, I had my first child a year ago after also being a very non-maternal person all my life before that. Just to say I've found it the best thing I ever did, like your life being in technicolour suddenly after everything else being a bit meaningless and shallow. Sounds cheesy I know! I've been amazed at how different it feels when it's actually your child compared to just kids in general - to be the most important person in the eyes of someone you think is likewise completely amazing in return is such a good feeling, however many dinners out you have to sacrifice.... Obviously no-one but you can decide, but I would just say that whether or not you will enjoy having a child yourself has little to do with whether or not you like spending time with other people's kids, who will probably remain fairly annoying throughout!

I was the exact same. I was having too much fun without children and effectively didn't want my lifestyle changed and was adament I did not want children. When dh and I got married it was agreed that I would review the matter after 5 years of marriage. I still had no interest. Came up with every excuse in the world and managed to put it off for another 2 years. Then when I was 36 I felt obliged to try and told DH he had 6 months (did this on the basis it took my friend 18 months to get pregnant and felt I was safe). 3 months in I was pregnant. I fell pregnant accidentally with my second dd. There is only 14 months between them. I am so delighted I had them. Here i am at 40 and I am only now getting the broody feeling, really badly actually, and am afraid to ttc. Hope this helps.

I am new here too and rather scared and undecided about the whole idea of having children as well.

Been with my partner for 10 years, am 34. Although we have talked about kids on and off, it has always been something for the unspecified future and until now I have been adamant about not wanting any (I tend to worry about things - my job, over-population, global warming, money, lack of sleep - you name it I can over-think it) and I like my life the way it is - free to do what I want, when I want. A lot of our friends have children now, but although we like hanging out with them, I am always happy to give them back at the end of the day.

Then this weekend we had a real discussion about it (on a plane no less!), somehow we said that we think we would like children, and since I am not getting any younger, it is time to decide when. Conclusion was (due to work commitments) to start TTC in January 2013.

Now there is a ball of excitement in my stomach, surrounded by fear. I work with children, so I have no illusions about what it is like. And quite a lot of me wonders if I am only doing this as I am scared of regretting something I haven't done, rather than something I have. I don't feel broody, just confused.

Pleased to talk to other people who are unsure about what feels like an unbelievably enormous thing.

Like everyone else that's posted, we were really unsure when we started ttc. Our families had all started having babies, and like euro said, we started looking around and thinking, that looks like a nice life.

In the beginning, we very much went with the "we're not sure we do want kids right now, but we are sure we'll look back and very much regret it if we don't".

It wasn't until time started going on and it became apparent that we weren't going to fall pg easily and immediately like the rest of the world (and certainly our immediate families) seems to, that we both realised how very much we want this, and how empty life will be if we never conceive.

Thank you so much for all your comments. It's really useful to hear all your thoughts. I think you've reassured me that I do want to TTC. I'll keep you posted.

Hi Mysterycat - would just like to add to other posts by suggesting that it's worth getting a wriggle on and deal with some of your reservations during pregnancy (fx). I only say so because like others here I was supremely disinterested in children until I was bereaved and suddenly I realised how important having your own family is. I wasn't in the right relationship at that time but to cut a long and tedious story short I did finally get together with a very good friend (who is deffo Mr Right) and we were really lucky to conceive straight away when I was 37 going on 38 (him 40) - second month of living together.

However, and herein lies the rub, TTC2 has become very protracted and sadly no luck after 1 year so I would say that your chances can change dramatically in the space of less than 2 years once you're past 35. Of course everyone is different and you may be fertile for a few years to come but perhaps not worth risking it.

Very good luck!

Wow this is a refreshing thread!

I can very much empathise with a lot of the feelings here. We've just started TTC after a couple of years of turning the idea over and over in my head/waiting for DP to get a couple of big work things out the way and be 'ready'. Ironically, after a lot of what felt like waiting on my part, when DP turned round and said he wanted to get going, I was suddenly terrified by it all again! I love the independence I have and I'm sure will find it challenging for that to change, but likewise I am also absolutely sure I want to be a parent.

I read some wise advice on MN - that it's a very difficult thing to get your head around having a child, because you're comparing the known with the unknown, and that fear doesn't mean it's the wrong choice, but a life-changing one. Those ideas have really helped me to come to terms with it in some way.

I don't feel 'ready' in some ways, but I think I know myself well enough to know I will probably never feel 'ready'. The one thing that I can be pretty sure of, depressingly, is that my fertility will decline and make it harder and that's definitely been a factor in my decision making process.

Hello Quod, fancy seeing you here!

OP you are not alone. It mystifies me how many people seem to blithely leap into the abyss without much of a thought. I wonder if dithering is related to your younger self's attitude to the risk of pg? I have had a good degree of paranoia about preventing pg all my life. My family are an old fashioned not before marriage lot, and I did a long stint in education.

My DH is very reluctant to even discuss the topic, so like Quod, I've taken a gung ho approach in the face of his reticence. Not sure how I'll actually feel if he ever comes round. I'm rapidly running out of time to find out!

It's lovely to hear so many positive accounts. There have been some great threads on here on similar lines, one really nice one was about what would your life be like if you had never had children (you might be able to find it of you do a search). Everyone said oh richer, more travelled, better body, nicer stuff, but empty, superficial, less rich and interesting, less rewarding, less wonderful.

Welcome to MN, OP! My tip is this: put "joining Mumsnet" at the top of your list of Signs I actually do want a baby and keep a list of signs you don't alongside it, and see how you go.

Just a thank you to Quodlibet for sharing that wise advice further, and to Awayinamangercooper for the list idea. I'm going to start that list this instant.

My poor DH is absolutely DESPERATE to start TTC and every time we decide we're about to I totally freak out and come up with lots of excuses why not. He's exasperated. I so want to want them, but I've not wanted kids since I was about 12 when I made an active decision based on a hideous 18 month old that came to stay... now I can't work out if I've just conditioned myself not to want children or that I just really don't want them! I've finally managed to overcome my utter fear of pregnancy that I think I must have brought on myself... now just to overcome my fear of total loss of independence, though watching all my awesome friends manage to have babies and NOT do that is helping a millionfold :)

sigh

bingeddybongo, the fear of losing independence and the ability to be spontaneous is quite overwhelming sometimes isn't it?

Agreed Tronbear! And although I can picture ways to mitigate that effect, in reality it's always going to be the case that a child will need you to put them first over your own whims.

Being philosophical about it though, aren't all our whims and desires mitigated though, to some degree? By our jobs, our incomes, our commitments to partners/friends/family? How much "spontaneous" choice do we realistically have? Or, looking at it another way, we've adjusted as adults to be happy and to pursue our own agendas despite the other pressures and commitments in life- maybe a child is another facet of that which we'll adapt to to?

(am aware that I sound like a renegade commitment phobic)

Just have the babies.

It's probably THE greatest gift you will get in life despite all the compromises etc.

And I don't miss hangovers.

It's such a relief to find a post like this. I've been lurking on Mumsnet for a while now, mainly to try to get an idea of what life with children is "really" like so that I'm sure it's for me (even though I know that's a bit of a false hope).

I always thought I didn't want children. As a child, I was the studious, non-maternal one. My mum and sister still laugh and say that I look so unnatural when holding a baby (they don't mean to be nasty, but I'm a bit oversensitive and always wonder if they're right). We discussed kids before we got married and DH said that no kids was fine with him, but I think he's always secretly hoped I'd change my mind as I got older (he is 9 years older than me, I'm 31). He still says he's fine with it if I don't want children, but I suspect he really does (although maybe I would if I were the man - their lives seem to change a lot less).

Over the past few years, I've certainly been thinking more about having children. My reaction to friends' pregnancy announcements has gradually changed from "Oh, thank God it's not me!" to "Aw, that's nice, isn't it?". I've also been thinking a lot about pregnancy, childbirth, childcare, schools, etc. (I'm a bit of an obsessive planner, so it's normal for me to want to research like a crazy woman before I do anything), imagining myself pregnant or holding my own baby for the first time.

Still, the idea of having children really scares me. I really love my life as it is at the moment. DH and I have good jobs, a lovely city flat, plenty of "us" time and lots of far-flung holidays. I absolutely love travel, seeing places that are totally different to my country and learning about new cultures - it keeps me going when work gets really stressful and motivates me to work harder. I know everyone says these things are superficial and won't matter to me if I have children, but I'm not sure I want them not to matter to me. My MIL keeps telling me that travel, especially long-haul, is virtually impossible with children, and I can't imagine not having those breaks from everyday life to look forward to.

What if I absolutely hate being a mother and resent my child forever? And what happens to the great relationship I have with my DH? Would I start to resent him, too? I have this overwhelming panic of not being independent, not being able to make my own decisions, because I feel like I won't matter anymore when I have a child. The idea of being stuck in a life I hate FOREVER is terrifying.

I have enough supply of the pill to last me until May, but I'm not sure I'll be able to pluck up the courage to ttc so soon (just realised that "so soon" sounds silly given that I'm 31 and have been with DH for 8 years).

It's a real dilemma. Good luck to everyone struggling with the same issue!

I am so relieved to find this thread! I've been thinking I was the only one to struggle with this issue... and feeling freakish and isolated as a result! Hearing from other women around my age (34) dealing with the same thoughts and pressures and ambivalence about having kids is a huge breath of fresh air.

My partner is older than me (40) and really keen on the idea of having kids. I can see that it's something he needs to do to feel fulfilled. I, on the other hand, love our life as it is and can't imagine changing it.

I look at other people's kids and I feel... nothing. I don't see a baby and think 'Oh, how cute' or 'I want one of those'. Instead, I look at parents with young kids and their lifestyle seems full of hard, unrewarding manual labour. And, if I'm honest, from the outside, small kids seem really boring. I honestly wonder how parents find the patience to deal with a little person who wants to do the same thing, noisily, fifteen times in a row. (Reading-age kids I am much more interested in).

Part of the problem is that a lot of the people I know who have had kids have not approached it in a very equal way. These are highly-educated professionals who are theoretically committed to gender equality, but in every single case bar one, the woman has given up everything to become a full-time mum, while the man has continued to work and to achieve in his area and been a weekend Dad. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying that raising a child isn't EVERY BIT as valuable as pursuing a career - I believe that it is! But I am discouraged by the fact that so many of these couples didn't manage to find a more equal solution, sharing things out so that both parties got to have a life outside of the domestic and a share of the chores too. Are there people out there who have managed to find a more equal balance?

In short, I think I could 'do' parenting an accessory to my other aims and objectives in life, but not as a replacement for them. I don't feel like my identity can ever just be 'a parent' - I have so much I want to achieve in my writing and thinking. Also, if I do nothing but childcare all day I will go mad. Is it possible to find a balance?

Just thought I'd post a quick update following my original post a few months ago. I'm now 12 weeks pregnant - so thanks for all the encouragement advising me to go for it! I'm feeling very happy to be pregnant although slightly terrified too as it will be such a huge life change. Still don't feel particularly broody when I see other people's kids but as everyone says, I'm sure it will be different with my own! Just hoping I'll be a good mum!

Just wondered if I could jump in on this thread and get a little advice from everyone..................................
Firstly congratulations mysterycat on your pregnancy

I am coming from the other end of the spectrum from most posters on this thread but thought it would be great to get your opinions.....
I am 26 and have been broody well ever since i can remember really, have been with OH 4 years and lived together 2 and a half. We both would love children but we feel like there is a lot of things we should do first.

Circumstances I would say are good we both have good jobs and are looking to buy a house in a few months, we aren't however married we plan to be at some point but its not the be all and end all to us however I feel I should be married before children.

I also feel like we should go on some holidays etc while we are young before kids......
Just to add I have lived abroad and had fair share of crazy holidays , but feel that I don't want to regret not doing anything while I am young :(

However...... I can't help but feel its what we want so badly will putting it off for another few years really be the best idea?

Working with babies and seeing how people sometimes find it difficult to conceive the older they get .....makes me wonder should we just go for it soon seeing as its what we both want?
I would be 27 when I had the baby if we decided to ttc soon and were successful hardly a teenage mother but quite young where I live. The other thing is if we were lucky enough to we would both like a big family ....

We talk about having kids a lot and feel gutted that we have to wait.

I wondered if you were in my shoes what would you do?

Thanks nancy

Not sure why i am reading this thread except i am feeling indecisive about going for a third! But i felt similarly ambivalent about initially ttc. I was married, both had careers and our own home and i was 30. We knew we wanted a family but i didn't really have a maternal urge. 5 years later i have a 5 yr old DS and 3 year old DD and i love my life. I have made great new friends who i met through motherhood. I work 3 days instead of full time which is a good balance and DH loves being a dad and we have very equal roles. I can still go for weekends away with friends and if we want to go away as a couple we have supportive family who help. The first year is the hardest in my experience and from then it has become easier and perhaps more rewarding. They are at school before you know it so it would be impossible to just do childcare all day for forever! Having kids is hard work but it means that your life is evolving, not over! I even have friends who have travelled long haul

Hello Nancy86 - I'm in the same position! Recently joined MN in an attempt to come to a decision, and this is the first time I've been brave enough to post something!

I'm also 26 - we've been together for 7 years, have been engaged since February and plan to get married in a couple of years when we can afford it. Now the sensible side of me would say wait until then. We live in an apartment in the city centre, possibly not the best place to have a little baby. Plus I'm only going into my second year of teaching and perhaps it might be best to become more secure in my career first.

But I'm going through a particularly broody phase and OH is very recently on board with 'not trying, but not preventing either'. I can't think of a better reason than I really, really want one!

Would be interesting to see what you decide, and to see if anyone else has any good advice for us!

I hope no one minds me adding my perspective on here. I met dh at 31. It was all amazing and we were married at 33. After a few months we both knew we wanted a family together but I wanted it to be the 'right' time, I wanted the house to be ready, to be able to drink and fit in my dress on my wedding day and so on and so forth. I wanted to be stable at my new job too, and to give our relationship some child free time, so many things. Now at 35 and a half and having been trying to conceive since nov 2010 with no hint of a pregnancy and facing ivf - all those reasons feel daft and I wish we'd just cracked on with it as it would have been just fine. I'm not sure what I'm trying to say here and the last thing I want to do is offend but I wish when my dh was saying go on, I hadn't hesitated for two years. It may have made no difference but I will always wonder.

Hello nutmeg123 wow yes we are in very similar position same age too ! I have just finished my training and waiting to start my job (nursing though not teaching) .
We aren't engaged ...talked about it a lot and are both not that interested in getting married the only reason we would is because we feel its the "right thing to do". We have a great relationship and just don't feel that need to get married. So holding out for that and being able to afford it would probably set us back 3 years at least........So we had a discussion the other night kids are (hopefully) going to come before marriage.
We also came to the decision we are not going to wait a few years .....so we can have nice holidays etc when all we both really want is a baby. We have decided that once we have bought a house next year we will ttc.
Thanks rabbitonthemoon really appreciate your perspective on things and wish you all the luck in the world with ttc.

I think that society has really affected my thoughts on the fact that I should wait to have a baby for a few years.....when I am further with my career (as I am newly qualified)....when we have bought a house.......we can afford to get married......we have been on lots of exotic holidays......we have enjoyed our freedom and nights out.....or maybe its not just society, but me aswell putting pressure on myself?? When realistically all I have ever wanted is a family and I could spoil my chances by doing all theses things I don't really need to do ?!

Any comments welcomed.

x

Just wanted to share my story:

I had always had an aversion to babies, even as a child - I couldn't bear those baby dolls that all little girls had. Throughout my teenage years I thought I would never have children, and was annoyed that I had to have periods when I felt I would never need to use the equipment!

Met DH at university, and after graduation we said we'd get married before were 30. I still wasn't really interested in children, and figured it would be something we might come around to later. My mum waited until she was 32 to have me so she could establish her career. My own career has had a bit of a slow start, having to completely change disciplines 3 years after graduation and sort of starting from scratch, so I feel a long way behind my peers in terms of climbing the ladder. I've also seen how women in my male-dominated industry struggle to balance ambition with motherhood, so another reason why I thought I should wait.

Then when I was 26, one of my friends had a baby, and another friend the following year. I was suddenly overcome with broodiness (which really freaked me out!) and DH and I started to discuss it seriously. There were reasons for waiting and reasons for getting on with it - and in the end, we decided if we wanted to go for it, we should start now - after all, the longer we waited was time we wouldn't get to share with our child.

I fell pregnant straight away and spent a lot of the pregnancy thinking what the flip was I doing, couldn't believe I was going to be a mother, was I insane?!

But now DS is here, and it feels like the most right thing in the world, like this is what I was supposed to be the whole time. I couldn't give a monkeys about progressing in my job, really (well, more money would be nice, but it's not everything). If someone had told my 16 year old self I would feel like this, I would have laughed in their face!

To me, having a child has made me recognise what is really important in life to me, and I wouldn't go back to my old life for anything (but then I am a bit dull and not a party animal, so I wasn't giving much up in that respect )

Good luck to all those trying to make a decision