HELP! Smiley face triggered crisis with husband..... :-(

[starchildmum]

Hi

I just got married last year and we have officially stopped conception 5 month ago. My husband wishes to have children but ?naturally and ?it?s fine for him if it takes time?? He is quiete often on business trips and during our honneymoon i was in my infertile phase...

He is quite anti- ovulation sticks and did not like me talking about it?.although I have starting using them to see if they work and to get a better understanding of how my cycle works etc. ( I have a very irregular cycle and was a bit worried at one point if something is wrong)
We have had ?normal? sex this weekend without >>trying for it

Use the sticks. Jump him at the appropriate time. Don't tell him it's the appropriate time. He will then have 9 months to get his head round the idea once you are pg.

did you mean he is also 35? Or is he 25 it doenst mean anything really but just to clarify.

It is hard, my DH and I were the other way round, it was his idea to get the ov sticks. But men do find it hard to have sex on demand. Really you need to speak about this more with him, tell him that you really want this and come to a compromise as to what you can do.

Many are going to tell you to also carry on with the ov tests and just dont tell him, just get all amorous with him and turn on the charm to get him to have sex with you, but I think this can lead to a non trusting relationship. Maybe you could agree to keep using the ov sticks but not telling him about it all, some men are not interested. And just see if this is better.

Gosh, what a horrible day :(

I think his reaction is pretty normal, ime. My DH coasts along "sort of trying but not" quite happily, and finds "trying" a bit overwhelming. I tackle this by not being particularly informative to my DH about the mystical world of OPKs, MN, and BFPs - less stressful all around :o

I went mad for ov sticks, temp and cm charting. The whole works. We were just miracle worthy lucky that I fell pregnant quickly or it would have torn us apart. With hindsight all that stuff puts sooooo much pressure on. The hope, the failures, the must dtd now whether you feel like it or not.

If hoping for a baby isn't scary enough you are adding performance and fertility fears into the mix. Just back off for a bit. If you can't help yourself I would advise you didn't advertise what you are doing too much. Let him get used to the idea first and if no joy in 6 months then look into what you can do to aid the process.

Good luck xxxx

well spotted fanjodisfunction! I obviously mean ALSO 35!

Eurochick. Love your approch! Did u do it like that? :-)

Its all too easy to get obsessed when trying to conceive, so I do kind of understand his point of view. Demanding sex at a specified time isn't very, well, sexy, and it can become a chore.

I agree with those who have said monitor it yourself. It doesn't have to become the only point of conversation, the only reason to have sex, an obsession. That way it'll help you keep it in check too. Good luck.

ncjust4this, yes MAD is the right word. SOOOOOOO happy that there are some more people who feel the same. DH gave me the feeling that i am not normal and yes, talking to him about OPKs, surge egg life expectancy is not the right way forward. I was so mean to him.... I calle dhime a LIAR (he said a few times he wanted babies...). Its horrible because we never fight and have a very romantic blissfull relationship. Every piece of my heart is suffering....

Hi star child - sorry things have been so upsetting recently!!!

My DH and I had been married 6 months before we started TTC - we both really wanted it but like your OH he didn't want to go through the whole 'scientific' side of things. He assuemed that we would just have sex and then BAM we would get pregnant. After 4 months of trying it his way I decided to start charting - not using temps ect but literally just mapping out a month of my cycle in a table and recoding the changes that I noticed. After doing this for 2 months I realised that we were simply having sex at the wrong time - as much as he didn't want to admit it - knowing the right time actually helped us. We agreed that I wouldn't tell him during my fertile time but would make efforts during those days to make him feel really special so that the TTC element didn't become a stressful over medicalised period.

We were able to concieve quickly after that and to be honest I think that was because I had a good idea about my cycle. A lot of men don't like the whole TTC thing even as a concept because it makes them feel like their not 'man enough' to do the job on their own.......a bit silly but to be fair men often have these types of notions and as wives we kind of just manage them!!!

In terms of advice I would say the most important thing is communicating with your DH. Some people are ready right away some aren't but the main thing is that you really discuss where you both are emotionally with things and why. My DH wanted to start TTC as soon as we went on honeymoon but I wanted to have our finances all sorted before that so we planned when we would reasonably start TTC and sort the finances with decent savings before the baby came. By talking in detail about what we wanted and how we wanted things to go did help us a lot because we both knew where we stood. TTC is very emotive and can be emotionally draining but I think you really need to get through this before you start planning a family. Maybe you could agree a date when you would both like to TTC properly and then work towards that......the focus is compromise though.

TTC as a process is difficult and at times stressful when you desperately want to get that positive test and see other people getting accidentally pregnant or just announcing pregnancies. I came onto to mumsnet and basically used the ladies on here to discuss all changes to my cycle, body ect so that I wasnt bombarding my DH with things that he didn't want to know but still felt I had someone to talk to.

This post is massive - sorry but hopefully there are some useful things in it!!! Take care anyway and let me know how things progress!! Xxx

Look, it's not very romantic is it? Honey, I'm ovulating, shag me now please!!!! He wants to feel that you want to have sex with him out of love and desire. It is also hard for a man to perform on demand.

Simple system. Have sex three times a week ALL THE TIME (except if you can't be arsed during your period) Then he will not know if you are having sex with him because you want to or because it is the right time. He will get used to having lots of sex, and this will result in you getting pregnant quicker.

If you want to do ovulation sticks then keep it to yourself for the time being. He has told you he isn't ready for this, it's only been 5 months, so respect that. He hasn't said he isn't ready for a baby, he just isn't ready for mental ttc. There is only a reason to do that if you haven't conceived after a year.

I have conceived 3 times (2mc and this pregnancy) and I have never had to say that I am ovulating. I had a chat with my partner about the second miscarriage and explained a bit about the biology and the ovulation and that, and I did tell him I would be pissing on sticks. But so long as he kept to his regular sex end of the deal and shagged me three times a week I never bothered him with the results.

I also had a very irregular cycle and I was obsessed with getting some kind of reassurance my body worked like it should. At one point if I hadn't pd on a stick for a couple of HOURS I would get some kind of anxiety. Bit when it came down to it none of that mattered. I thought we had missed our chance the month I fell pregnant. Turns out dh has some little swimmers with quite some stamina!

At the end of the day you are nearly weds and if you get down to it as much as possible and you both look after yourselves, physically, nutritionally and mentally, you are doing all you can p stick or no p stick.

Newly weds obviously. Excuse the predictive text

I am so happy here in MUMSNET. Looks as if I don't need to invest into an ultra-expensive society shrink ;-)

Feel much better now and so grateful to all the nice comments!!!

Need to rethink my relationship a bit... DH is not my girlfriend! I tell him too much i think! He is a MAN-- very different. He might me emotionally as involved and loving but in a different way. Their mind is still as mystical as our world is for them...

My DH (then DP) was in shock when I got pg accidentally... he needed space and left me for a couple of weeks... then said he wanted us to spend more time as a couple before thinking about a baby...long story short, I stuck to my guns, and 1 year on we have a 8mo DS, and DH is a wonderful father. Its not unusual for him to feel unready for a baby- doesn't mean he doesn't love you or you're not meant to be.

I think blokes feel very pressured if you wave smiley faces at them and tell them to drop their trousers. Just make sure you increase the amount of shagging you are doing generally, and accidentally on purpose do it more around the time you think you are fertile. Make it fun for him (and yourself)!

When I conceived this baby, on the day I got a positive ovulation test, I decided to have a "little nap" when I got in from work. When he arrived home to find me in bed in my underwear, the rest of the conception process was fairly straightforward! I have used similar ruses such as being naked in the bath when he arrives home.

As others have advised, Just dial it down a bit OP, he's on board with the notion so do the sticks and keep it subtle. You'll get there and then he'll be all hey look what we did, and you'll be all . Tis the way of the world.

Time to go underwear shopping, get your hair done, and look happy and smiling and up for it as often as you can.

Yes, OP, that's what I do. Get to Ann Summers/Agent Provocateur (depending on taste and budget) and just jump him when you need to (and also when you want to).

Kit's suggestion to just have swi three times a week throughout the cycle is a good one too if it works for you as a couple. It doesn't for us because we are in our mid-30s and have been together for years so are past the point when we want to jump one another's bones all the time. And we both work long hours so tend to only dtd at weekends most of the time. So I chart so I know when we need to make the effort midweek. I'm sure the bloke knows when he gets dragged into the bedroom on a Tuesday night after a long day in the office that it's for baby-making reasons but in almost a year of ttc I have never shown him a pee-stick or told him he has to do it right now because I am laying an egg.

starchildmum, what KatAndKit said. Just have A LOT of sex, every 3 days. Ov sticks are unreliable if you ask me, and you can become sooo obsessed with testing/charting/checking that it can all become deeply unsexy.

FWIW, I'm 38, have conceived 3 times since I was 35 (which was when we started trying) - one child, one miscarriage, one currently on the brew - and each time we hit the jackpot was when I stopped using the piss computer and just jumped his bones as often as possible.

I'm sure you don't need me to say it either, but you can max your chances by eating plenty of good food, taking a multivit and mineral supplement, maybe fish oils too (DHA/EPA), getting enough fresh air and exercise and cutting back on booze, caffeine and fags. Stating the bleeding obvious I know, but every little helps!

Good luck.

:-)

starchildmum,

How irregular is your cycle; a "normal" cycle is between 21 and 35 days or with less than 4 days of variation from month to month. If it is consistently over 35 days in length then medical advice should be sought sooner rather than later. Using OPK's in such circs is actually not advised as these can give false positive readings. They also work on two misleading principles namely that there is only one rise in LH every month and that such a rise is followed by ovulation - both are not true.

Do not put such undue pressure on yourselves; make love when you both feel like it and not when you think its ovulation time. Timing of intercourse often does more harm than good and does your relationship now favours as you have already seen.

General consensus re 35 and over seems to be to seek medical advice after trying to conceive for 6 months without success. A visit to the GP is in order now.

Yes it is really an obsession and I feel a bit addicted... i will to stop as it really had the opposite effect.

Will try to make it nicer for DH. Being pretty is not ebough here. Should place emphanasie on romance, romance, romance.... i get the picture. Love the underwear idea :-) it seems all so obvious but think i just got carried away by the SMILEY face and i stated to hear the time ticking (they say 24 h).... rediculous if i think about it..... thank you all so much.

iregular 32-36-48 (last time)

OK I am not a bloke, but thinking I had to perform on the guidance of a stick is not exactly loin-stirring. I'd rather not know and just enjoy the ride

doctor says all is fine... as i said he is often on business trips and we both work long hours. I am a bit like eurochick: weekends only and very rarely during the week once maybe.... (but during holidays more often.... but no hol plans for some time now and then the family christmas time coming up..) that's why i started but atilia is right.... they can maybe do more harm and extra pressure which is not good.