Secondary infertility....a gloomy thing

[maximum123]

Dear Ladies,

We are awaiting results for sperm test and I have a normal set of results for my blood tests, day 3 and day 21. So I feel a bit mixed between having something called explained fertility or unexplained fertility. Either diagnosis does not seem preferable to me.

I am 34 years old due to be 35 in december and DH is 40. We are wondering what people thought to jumping straight into ivf treatments privately or whether to keep going naturally? we have been trying since january. Which sounds like nothing its just so unusual not to be pregnant after conceiving our first so easily.

My husband seems to think we will conceive naturally, but I am less convinced. And I am keen to get started on treatments. But he would like to wait and see. But even starting on treatments takes a few months to get anywhere close to getting pregannt. I feel so impatient.

And embarassingly I have found it hard to talk to mums pregnant with their second. and will often go away and cry. Sorry to be so so gloomy.
It just feels like such an embarassing condition where other people get frustrated by your lack of offspring too.

Sorry to rant on.... I would dearly love to hear from other mums suffering the same thing.

I could have written your post. I conceived ds first month and we have been trying for #2 for 15 months. My day 3 and day 21 tests came back fine, dp's sperm analysis came back fine. We are now just waiting for an appointment for our referral for the infertility clinic (were supposed to go next week but couldn't make the date, now waiting for a new one). From what I have been told, they will most likely redo the bloods and then go on to think about internally with something like a laparoscopy/ hsg to make sure there is nothing wrong internally. We can't afford ivf and since we already have a child we don't qualify for it on the nhs.

It is heartbreaking every month to get my period, to see my friends have their second and third babies, to see statuses on facebook about pregnancy (I'm currently on a facebook break because of this), even to see pregnant women in the street. My ds keeps asking if we are going to have more babies. I have to cling on to the hope that it will just happen as I think I'll fall apart otherwise.

It is on my mind every minute of every day and the longer we try the more difficult I find it. But at least being on here I know I'm not alone, and that helps.

Ooo thanks ninja chipmunk, its comforting to hear someone else who understands, though i would not wish what we go through on anyone. I am loving the idea of a facebook break, thats inspired. Will give that a try. Perhaps doing some fun activity in the evening like a zumba class or going swimming would help instead.

Hope your second level of testing goes smoothly and it does not cause too much stress.

I am trying to lose weight currently as my little goal, as we all need goals to focus on apart from the obvious. I would love to be in a healthy BMI range, as against to overweight.

Its wierd the facebook thing as its so socially acceptable to openly share the joy of pregnancy. But secondary inferility feels like a social embarrassment where childrens birthday parties and mums groups just sting. And you hardly feel overjoyed to post something like..... Hurrah husbands semen analysis is fine!!

I must try not to run the risk of alienating myself from all my friends who dont suffer from SIF, which is everyone. By trying not to share all my woes with them. So its soo soo lovely to chat to someone who does share similar struggles.

This month is hard as lots of second babies being born.

I did not realise how isolating

I could have written these posts too! We are ttc no 2. DH and me are both 33, we've been pg twice before. First time got pg 2nd mth (but sadly miscarried) and second time got pg 3rd mth of trying - that gave us DS. We've now been trying for 18mths already and no joy.

I totally echo what you've both said about seeing others getting pg - it makes it all so gloomy :( People I know who started trying after us have babies now and much as I am pleased for my friends, I wish it could be us too.

We have also been referred to the fertility clinic. Have had first appt so have had both day 3 and day 21 tests (seemed fine), I've had a HSG (seemed fine). DH has had 2 SA - 1st one showed low motility, second we think was ok, but yet to hear the consultant's take on it.

We have our next appt at the clinic next Fri and I really hope they can give us some guidance about how to get treatment and what would be recommended. Like Ninja we will have to pay as we already have DS but I am so fed up of living in limbo. Constantly 'what if-ing' and wondering if we'll ever get there.

Maximum123 - I know what you mean re this mth - we've had loads of babies born this month. People who only announced pg after we'd been trying for nearly a yr :(

I think also its the not knowing why this is happening that is so hard. If I knew I had a problem then at least there would be a reason, but to be unexplained is a bit mindblowing and not in a good way!

Ahh sorry to hear about the miscarriages Lisa Jayne , thats awful. Glad you had a DS, we also have a DS.

Have either of you ladies thought about doing acupuncture? Its supposed to be relaxing ... though the thought of having needles stuck in my body sounds anything but relaxing.

Just wondered if you had come up with any creative ideas on how to relax to take the strain off trying to conceive.

We are trying to do something called fun saturdays, where we invest in our DS and go out for the day somewhere family orientated like farms or parks or the great outdoors. Thats our creative relaxing idea. It just gives us something else to talk about to people instead of the gloom of SIF.

It is laughable the rubbish people not trying to conceive say.
-just relax
-it will happen when it happens
-you've got one so it shows you can do it!
-when are you going to have anohter?

• or how old is your DS now? Are you not thinking of another yet?

Please add more if you can think of any?

Never really thought about acupuncture - but then I'm not sure it would be quite my bag - I'm not keen on massage and stuff like that, and although I know this is different, I'm not sure it would make me feel relaxed lol!

Agree with Ninja too - it's the not knowing WHY that annoys me - no one can say what it is so I don't know whether to just totally give up hope or keep ploughing blindly on with little chance of success :(

OMG - ALL of those things!! I was sad yesterday when someone asked me in the past tense 'did you not want another?' as if my time was gone (DS not even 3 yet!)

Like the idea of creative Saturday though (if I could get DH no to work!)

I dont believe it Lisa Jayne!! People just so dont realise SIF exists do they? How insensitive people can be? Keep pushing forward with the testing in the hope that some thing can be discovered and then helped.

Its amazing how many mums go onto have children later on in life. I am going to start saving up for IVF.

I started reading the book inconceivable by ben elton, to try and take a light hearted look at this area. It made me cry and i could not bear to read about the details of it..

Perhaps a good dollop of laughter would help.

Although its been getting me down so much lately. Its felt easier to not attend certain groups of mums. I feel a dweeb withdrawing from things, but lately I think its all about not putting yourself through emotional summersaults and trying to be a bigger person. Its about being real with yourself and just being kind and gentle to how you are.

I have thought about acupuncture and reflexology but not quite decided if I'll go for one of them yet. I they might help with a positive mental state if nothing else, and that can't be a bad thing.

I'm glad we don't go to any more mum and baby groups as they were starting to get quite hard by the end, simply because most of their age ranges are 0-3 and by the time your first child gets to 3 you are thinking about/ trying/ having child 2. And when child 2 isn't forthcoming....well I guess you both know.

I know how you feel too. I have DS from previous relationship, but have been ttc with DH for 18 months now and nothing
DH sperm analysis fine, I've had first appt at fertility clinic and now on the waiting game for day 21/3 bloods and an appt for ultrasound/hsg.

Sick of people asking if we want to have a baby together, when are we going to produce a sibling for DS etc.

I do have a r/l friend hwo is going through the same, so at least we can support each other - but she has no children and so i still feel a little awkward as I do at least have my DS.

This forum is an absolute gem, really good to be able to find support and know that what you type on the screen is being read by people who are nodding along and really understand the frustration.
ninja has been a real help to me the last few days......

aw thanks lovey, I just want to be able to give back some of the support that I've got since i've been on here.

Am i right in thinking we all have ds's?

Yep - we have DS who is 2.10.

Queenrollo - totally agree re finding these threads - I've only joined this week but already feel so much more at peace and have had some really lovely support from people. I also have a r/l friend going through the same thing which is 'nice' (you know what I mean - I would never wish this on anyone). We are actually referred to the same clinic (but different consultants) and at exactly the same stage so nice to have someone to talk through But weirdly because we're at the same clinic I almost feel jealous (?) if she gets an appointment through before me. Obviously it's not a race but I just want things to move along. Weird but it is nice to have someone in the same position who understands all the mad things you think - (plus I have you guys too ). My other friends that I've told have been really good but since most of them are pushing out 2nd babies it is hard for them and me - I know they probably feel a bit guilty about 'rubbing my nose in it' - and I obviously don't want to make them feel awkward either.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that I am soooooooo glad to have found MN - it has really been such a support even just in this week - so thank you ladies :)

Lisa xx

Plus, Ninjachipmunk - you should really polish your halo as you were the first one to welcome me onto MN and have really helped me this week too - so thank you muchly :)

Does anyone else find that previously infertile friends who are now pregnant, are really the worst at being sympathetic or helpful?

I have two friends who are pregnant and the one who knows what it is to suffer with infertility is really terrible and insensitive, which shocked me and the other friend tries to be sympathetic and keep our friendship going. I guess there is nothing anyone can do to make you feel better about being infertile.

Do you fear hearing about your friends getting pregnant?

Thanks for replying to previous messages. We find out this week if DH sperm analysis was okay.

Yes - I fear hearing about friends a bit - especially those that you either know are trying or are 'likely candidates' if you know what I mean.

I have one friend who took a yr to get pg with her first (and popped a second out no worries) but to be fair she has been really great and listened to me rattle on and on about it. Mind you, she is a doctor so probably goes with the job! There is a lesson there though for us all when we get pg to remember to be super sensitive! I have already learned to be a lot more sensitive about asking if people have kids etc (generally try to steer clear unless they bring it up!!)

Lisa x

I felt just like this over a year ago, exactly how you're describing. I think it is not uncommon as two of my close friends were sad and stressed about it too. Bet there's so many of us who don't say it as well. I now have my baby and he seems like a miracle cause he took so much longer to happen. I think for most of us it's not infertility, it's just that it takes that bit longer. I really hope it's not annoying that I'm posting when I'm no longer ttc but just wanted to say hang on in there. It's shit cause you have no certainties and all you want is to know it'll happen one day. All the best, and I so hope it does happen for you.

Thanks Beatofthedrum - Not annoying at all - I find it nice to know that there are some people it works out for - gives me hope!

Congratulations on your little boy - may I ask how long it took to conceive? Did you go down the road of any testing or did you get there with pure perseverance?

Thanks
Lisa xx

beatof the drum can I ask how long you took to concieve #1 and #2?

Of course. My dd took 3 months and there was no stress/counting days involved. I did think it was lucky and couldn't take it in at first but when that's happened for you, you can't help but expect it to happen like that again. Started ttc whenever she turned 1. Then we had 15 months of trying and hoping and...nothing. Everything became horrible and stressful, counting days, trying, waiting, being disappointed. It's pretty unbearable. We didn't have any tests done as my DH was very firm it would 'just take time' which really frustrated me. Got to the point I was feeling quite obsessive about the whole thing. Then last May the test was positive. It does feel different when you have waited for it and longed for it for so long! My ds was born around the time my dd turned 3. He's now 6 months and I am still feeling really, really grateful. Don't know the reason it took so long (I'm now 35). I think you have to try to believe you'll get there, if you hang in there. Is tough though.

its mad isn't it? I mean I know a sperm has a pretty tough time to get to fertilize an egg, and even then the egg has still got to implant, but why, sometimes in some people, does it take so long? I'm not one for early testing so really wouldn't have a clue if I have ever had a chemical pregnancy but it really makes my mind boggle. I'm hoping its is just a matter of time with us. I'm about to turn 37 but my blood tests results were excellent ( i believe with day 21 tests the look for about 30 to check you are ovulating and mine was 82 or something similar, dp's sample was good, we're both pretty healthy so fingers crossed eh?

Totally agree - fingers and everything else crossed (apart from legs ha ha ) xx