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Original poster

Am I mad to not tell DH yet?

29 replies

GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 13:15

I got my BFP yesterday, but I've not yet told DH.

The reason is that I recently had a mmc, which we discovered at the 12 wk scan. Obviously it was very upsetting and I said that if I got pregnant again I wouldn't tell anyone (including DH) until I'd had a scan and knew that there was actually a baby developing. I have decided to go ahead with my plan to save him the stress/worrying of the first few weeks.

I'm going to the GP tomorrow and will request an early scan (she has already agreed to this in principle so hopefully there won't be a problem getting this sorted). Once I've had the scan, all being well, I will tell DH and we can celebrate a bit more confidently.

In the meantime, I've kept my BFP stick and am going to write him letters every now and again to keep him updated on how I'm feeling so that he can read them in retrospect.

Has anyone else done anything like this and do people think it's unfair to keep this a secret from him for the next few weeks?

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silverangel · 23/05/2011 13:51

Thats a really difficult one. I had a mmc and my DH and I agreed not to tell anyone until 12 weeks but personally I couldnt have not told him. It was stressful enough without trying to hide it from him. Presumably you would need his support if (and hoping it doesn't) the worst happens and you have another mc.

How pregnant are you - most places wont do an early scan until 7 / 8 weeks - could you keep it quiet that long?!

Best of luck with this pregnancy!

coccyx · 23/05/2011 13:54

No, i would share the news. Not sure why you wouldn't tell the man who responsible for fathering his child.

neolara · 23/05/2011 13:55

I think you should tell him. It's his baby too.

I understand how difficult it is to be pregnant again after a miscarriage. I think you are probably going to be a bit wobbly. I think you might value the support.

Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 13:57

Thanks for your reply Silver and I take your point about possibly needing his support. I think if there were any signs of anything going wrong then I would tell him what's happening. I'm quite strong really and I think I can cope without saying anything as long as things seem OK.

I'm only about 4 weeks and hoping for a scan around 8 weeks. I don't really want one any earlier than that in case they can't see a heartbeat and I have to go back a week later - been there with my first mmc.

I assume you're also pregnant again so congratulations!

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Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 13:59

Coccyx and Neolara thank you for your comments. I'm doing this for good reasons ie trying to spare him the worry of the weeks leading up to the scan. Maybe this isn't fair though. I keep trying to imagine whether he'll be grateful that I've spared him the worry or whether he'll be upset that he didn't know and we couldn't go through the highs and lows together.

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coccyx · 23/05/2011 14:02

I had numerous miscarriages and felt by telling my OH, he could cheer me up on a down day. Should be a shared experience and my hubby would have hated to have been in the dark. I also worried what if i had an accident, went to a and e and no one knew i was pregnant.
Good luck with pregnancy

plebshire · 23/05/2011 14:06

Did you tell your DH that if you became pregnant again you wouldn't tell him until after your scan?

Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 14:06

Good point coccyx and sorry to hear of your losses.

I've had 2 mmcs and one DD. When I was pregnant with DD, we were both quite anxious because I'd had a previous mmc and I felt we didn't enjoy the pregnancy much until about half-way through. I am hoping that this pregnancy will go well and we can both enjoy it after I've (hopefully) had a successful 8 wk scan.

I don't know though, I'd love to tell him but feel it would be so much nicer to tell him with a scan photo in my hand. Maybe I'm being selfish/daft.

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Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 14:07

plebshire yes, I did say that and he thought it was a good idea, but then I said it immediately after finding out that we'd lost the baby so perhaps neither of us was being rational.

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plebshire · 23/05/2011 14:16

if you've talked about it and both agreed (even though it was at an incredibly difficult time) and you want to wait, then no, you're not mad at all. Good luck with the pregnancy.

Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 14:45

Thanks plebshire.

Do you think he'll feel he's missed out by not knowing for a few weeks? I'm starting to waver now, thinking he has the right to know. Hmmm.

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shineoncrazydiam0nd · 23/05/2011 14:49

he has a right to know, yes. Smile

Should you tell him? yes.

congratulations, btw

owlbooty · 23/05/2011 14:54

I didn't tell my DH for a week after I got the BFP this time round after a mc with first pregnancy. Like you I didn't want to get his hopes up/stress him more than needed whilst I was quietly going mental wondering whether it would stick or not.

After a week though I had to tell him as I knew that, if something were to go wrong and he found out at that point instead, it would be a far more horrible shock for him.

However; it's a really difficult decision to make when you've been through a mc and it's going to depend massively on who you both are and your relationship - it's very hard to be rational about any of this when it's so bloody important. Whatever you decide to do I hope that this pregnancy goes well for you and you are able to enjoy it with your DH x

BikeRunSki · 23/05/2011 15:01

OMG it's his baby too! And you're a couple!

Good luck with this pg, but please tell DH. Surely you need the support?

Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 15:03

owl you speak sense. I am thinking, like you did, that it would be worse for him to find out if and when something went wrong. Congratulations to you - how far along are you now? Hope you have a lovely, boring pregnancy.

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Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 15:04

OK, am starting to think I am wrong in not telling him. Thank you for your responses.

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SenoritaViva · 23/05/2011 15:04

Sorry no time to read all posts.

I have not been in your situation so cannot speak for you but I know I would want to go through this with DH, whether it was good or bad. It is your baby together and he has the right to feel happiness and sadness.

I really hope it is good news for you both.

COCKadoodledooo · 23/05/2011 15:12

I'd tell him. I think whatever the situation you need to support each other.

I also think it's unrealistic to think you can keep it quiet until your 12 week scan (assume you can have an earlier one though, ivo your history?).

I know I'd also need someone to hold my hand at the scan, whether the news is good or bad. And if, God forbid, it is bad news, what then? Do you continue to keep quiet and shoulder this yourself?

My dh would be gutted if I chose to keep something like this from him.

niceday · 23/05/2011 15:17

Congratulations on your pg!

Do tell your dh now. It's his baby and you are being unreasonably overprotective of him. It can set a bad precedent in your relations of not sharing news with each other. He'll be forever thinking - what else is she not telling me.

owlbooty · 23/05/2011 15:23

Cola I am 29 weeks and Owlet is booting me in the guts as I type :) May you also have the dullest pregnancy ever Grin

Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 15:42

Thank you everyone, most people are advising me to tell him, so I think I will. Actually I'm amazed I've kept it quiet until now! Maybe I just needed a bit of time to come to terms with it myself.

owl - that's lovely and congratulations again! I do love a good, happy story after somone's had a loss. Here's to a truly yawn-inducing 11 weeks.

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harassedinherpants · 23/05/2011 15:55

I'm glad you've agreed to tell him.

I've had a mmc in Jan and then a mc in March. I'm now prg again, and I just couldn't cope without my dh's support. I've had scans at 6 & 8 weeks, and am now 9 weeks.

Hope you have a very boring pregnancy! Congratulations!

Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 16:47

Good luck, harassed, I know how you feel - hope it's boring for you too!

I will tell him tonight, when I get home from work.

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kittencuddles · 23/05/2011 17:58

Imagine for a moment that it was the other way round. If he was going through this MASSIVE thing on his own that is potentially heartbreaking and distressing for both of you but is also the best news in the world. I'm glad you've decided to tell him, it should be a journey for both of you together.

Congratulations and good luck, xxxx

Original poster
GenericDietCola · 23/05/2011 20:18

I've told him now - he was pleased and apprehensive. He did say 'but I thought you weren't going to tell me' and didn't think he would have minded not knowing, although wants to support me and can do that better now he knows.

I'm glad I told him - we can worry and obsess together! We're not going to tell anyone else until we've had a scan.

Hope it goes well for us this time and hope it goes well for all you ladies in a similar position whether TTC or pg after mc.

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