Need help - 10 months ttc and feeling overwhelmed

[greenygrassy]

Hi readers,

Thanks for clicking on this and reading it. DH and I have been ttc for 10 months now, and though I did get pregnant in month 4, I had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. I know some of you will have been trying for longer, but I think I'm reaching my endurance limit. Am feeling angry and overwhelmed and this whole thing is now feeling like a very different kettle of fish. I've been lurking on these boards the whole time and it does give me strength that there are others out there who are going through the same thing.

DH and my mum are trying to be nice and supportive, but more often than not their comments annoy me (and make me cry). They say things like "it'll happen when it happens", and "I don't have any experience of this- it was always easy for me". Also DH and I have been married for 1.5 years now and we're 31 and people are starting to ask me if I'm preggers, and every time I say "no thanks" to a drink, everyone looks at my stomach.

I'm also scared that it's not happening because I'm too stressed (but as I'm sure you all know, there's not much I can do about that).

I guess I was hoping that some of you in approx the same situation would let me know how you cope with this nightmare, how you stay positive month after month, how you deal with the weight of expectation, and what you do when you feel like you're going to have a psychological breakdown. Also, do you talk to your DHs about it? Do they feel the same way? How do you manage to not think about it constantly, and not have every conversation come back to babies in your mind?

Thanks for taking the time to read this!

Hello

We have been not using contraception for 3 years since ds was born. Admittedly the fact we only dtd about once a week may have been a factor in not becoming pg in this time I became pg last Feb and had a mmc. I am now on cycle 7 with longish cycles since then.

I find that well meaning comments are at best quite useless, and at worst downright offensive. Do they think it's our fault because we are not relaxed?(implicit criticism). Well meaning ones such as "it's fate" are bloody irritating, and people who have never ttc for very long can be the worst, through no fault of their own they have sailed through it, getting pg at first chance. Lucky buggers.

On the mc common room thread we have been discussing trying to plan a mini treat when we reach CD1, but that overwhelming disappointment does get you every month. I don't really know what I suggest though. Perhaps a month off, if it's making you upset. I don't really talk to DP about it much, just sporadically here and there. He is vaguely supportive in a stroking hair and making useless noises kind of way. I tend to find that I end up being v rude to him around CD1, which is definately not the way forward.

Chances are that the stress is not really affecting your efforts, it is quite unlikely to do so. For all the length of this post it wasn't really v helpful was it? Just letting you know we're out there and know what you're going through x

Thanks so much for your post. It is actually really helpful. Laughed at the hair stroking, useless noise making support. It's exactly what I'm getting, but bless them, they do try! I've been thinking of taking a month off, but never quite manage it, as do BD and then get my hopes up. Good to know you're out there, and maybe will try planning a treat on CD1. x

It is tough - I found getting to where you are now very very hard to deal with.

Talking to your DH about it is very important I think. I would try to avoid talking about it to your family because, personally, I would have to be restrained from slapping someone who said 'I don't have any experience of this- it was always easy for me'. If people have no experience just how heartbreaking it is month after month then there is little point about ttc becuase they just won't understand.

Maybe it is time to stop lurking, find a thread you like and say hi, can I join you? Because I found being able to talk to others on here going through the same thing massively helpful.

I love the idea of a treat on CD1 btw.

Thanks Claire. Was thinking I need to de-lurk and join a thread. Also, you're right about not talking to the family. I wasn't able to see that they're not helping me before, but that's obvious now.

Hi GG, I have been trying for 15 months for #2 who is 5 and a half. Was on Mirena coil and terrified it has messed me up royally!

You are not alone, I had a huge sobbing fit (in toilet) at work the other day when yet another pg was announced, its horrid and painful.

My DP swings from being supportive and sympathetic to impatient with me for being upset. We havent sought medical help yet but I am on the verge! Obviously I am grateful for the DD I have... doesnt make it easier, I am part of a big family and hoped she would have at least 1 sibling.

Hugs to you xxxxxxx

Sorry #1 is 5 and a half, #2 is proving elusive!

Thanks Changing. Pg announcements are the worst. Am starting to dread seeing friends I haven't seen in while in case they have an announcement. I can imagine that having one DD doesn't make this whole business any easier.

It doesnt but I know I should be grateful... Lets hope we all get our BFP soon x

Hi GG couldn't pass by without responding. I'm so sorry to hear you are having such a difficult time. I know how upsetting and lonely it can feel.

We've been married for 5 years, DH 33, me 34, TTC for 3 and a half years and have one m/c, millions of blood tests, samples and investigative operations to show for our efforts. In this time all our friends (bar 2) are parents often to more than one child.
Sometimes I can barely contain my rage, envy and desolation, then I spend days feeling guilty for having such socially unacceptable feelings.

How do we cope? I actually don't know. We take one day at a time.
We avoid certain situations that make it worse, we send gifts to christenings, births, baby showers etc. I turned off Facebook bcs I couldn't bear seeing anymore preg announcements when each month we get no good news.
We concentrate on all the nice things we can still do bcs we don't have children, nice holidays, lie-ins etc etc. But truthfully and honestly I think we're just glossing over the emptiness and the hurt. Oh and we got a cat, he has helped a great deal. It helps to look after something!

After two years of hint dropping (more like brick dropping) we finally told the PIL that we were struggling to conceive, and also began to tell friends. That has helped because it means that people have relented on the insenstive remarks. But has meant that people don't include us as much as they used to bcs they don't know what to say, and feel uncomfortable, I can't work out which is worse.

We talk about what's happening to us, but only for a certain amount of time. We've also worked out our plan for if it's only ever the two of us, and that future does seem almost bearable (I never thought I would be able to say that).

Things that have really helped

1. Having a brilliant and supportive GP and Gynae consultant
2. Doing nice things once a month when the inevitable happens
3. Planning nice things to look forward to every so often
4. Finding people going through the same thing to talk to (agree with Claire - one of the threads here really helped me post m/c
5. Taking control of some things. Taking care of ourselves Diet, exercise, relaxation, how many hours I work etc etc
6. Trying (though this is bloody hard) to forget about it sometimes.
7. Remembering that we love each other, doing thoughtful things for each other, and sometimes being able to remember that DTD is not just for TTC!

Finally, I found some really good emotional advice in Marilyn Glenville's book Getting Pregnant Faster

Good luck ((big hugs)) - take care of yourselves and don't beat yourself up when you feel bad, just hang onto the good days! xx

Great post Blackkat.

Thank you so much for your post Blackkat. I'm really sorry for your situation and I appreciate your post. It's helpful to hear of positive things I can do, such as taking control of the things I can, like my diet, exercise and relaxation, and avoiding Facebook. Also, must remember your point 7. Will give the book you suggest a go and as you say take one day at a time.

Thanks again. xx

hi greenygrassy... Are you me??? With some slight differences.
Im 33 got married last may, been having unprotected sex for about 18 months prior to wedding and no pg??
Then Two cycles after the wedding bam!!! Pregnat...
13th week started to bleed and suffered a mmc at 8 week
.
Now depseratly trying to conceive and have been obsessed up until this month!!
Brought the booked taking charge of your fertility and its really helping.

All my friends are pg, 5 people got pg around the time i did, so really hard as theres and my due date approaches!!! Its a living nightmare, dh very supportive but struggling as midwife said after mmc, well at least now you know u can get pg?? And your more fertile after you mmc!!! He now thinks theres something wrong with me!!!!

This month my plan is to chart the whole month, have sex every other day from day 8 to af, monitering cm, temps and have started taking folic acid, iron tablets and per-pg vitamins, brazille nuts, no caffine and plenty of rest and relaxation....

This month when my af came 2 days late i didnt get upset i just re-focused and have started to take a good luck at my body and chartings really helping, i dont think this months the month but hopefully next month will be, that will then be my 6th cycle good luck with your ttc plan, i think by seeing it as a challenge and getting to know your body will help you to focus and not dwell... Good luck...

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1148112-Just-MC-and-ready-to-try-again-Pack-your-cake-wine-and-tightie-whities-and-join-us-for-more-ranting-weeping-and-most-of-all-laughing-All-welcome-Part-13

This is a lovely thread if you want to chat to people going thru similar things x

Hi Greengrassy i understand exactly what your going through it's really tough and people don't understand

blackkat..i'm sure your me..everything you were writing about i could relate too..it was almost scary. all your advice to greengrassy was exactly what i'm trying to do and not dwell on it but it's so hard!! And yes i do go on facebook but is awful when anounces there preggers so maybe i shouldn't go on that for a while xx

Hi all,

just wanted to join in, have been trying for almost a year and absolutely nowt. We were so sure that we would be pregnant by now, but nothing...

I have booked a couple of holidays so we have something to look forward to and try to concentrate on them, planning what to see, where to go to within an second almost!!!

DH is actually better off than me as one of his close friends had trouble conceiving their second child, so he has someone to talk to, but all of my friends had their children five or so years ago and don't have much sympathy for what we are going through. Our family bar my SIL (who is a nightmare anyway) have been very good, but we have been honest about things and don't really tell them much, although my poor mum fetches it sometimes when it all gets too much and a resort to floods of tears!!

I agree with facebook, although it's not too bad for me as my older group of friends are done with babies, but I made friends with some younger types through book groups etc and now they are starting to have kids, so the week by week blow by blow postings are not easy to take, but it's not too often so just skim over them, still have that hope that I'll be next!

Sorry for the long post, I was actually thinking of starting a very similar thread about how hard it is each month when AF comes, but I guess, having stuff to look forward to (or obsess about) and two small dogs who are very naughty and take up a fair amount of time definitely help. Oh, and seducing the DH every other day or two helps :)

Hi Greengrassy ? I could have written your post. I?m 31. Married for 2 yrs. Trying for 10 months. Pregnant month 2 ? m/c at 7 wks. Like you, I have scanned the MN pages to try and get support. I never thought I would resort to forums but when friends in real life are getting pregnant with no problems, it is very hard to keep sane and it is nice to talk to people in the same boat. My DH doesn?t really want to talk about it ? he jsut says it will happen. This doesnt? stop my despair! . I started losing the plot back in December and have started to try and make a positive list of things (nothing to do with babies) I want to achieve this year like doing some photography. I have also started acupuncture which has started to make me feel a bit more positive... Anything to take my mind off ttc. Also, I realise I was putting pressure on myself. I felt a competition with others to get pregnant quickly. It?s very easy to compare yourself with people around you. I?m trying to stop this.

Here are a couple of posts from a month ago that give some positive things you can do ? and from people who were in the same boat and now have kids.
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/conception/1133607-Doing-my-own-head-in

Also there was a thread on the pregnancy forum about people who miscarried their first. It gave a huge list of positive stories. I can?t find it.

I hope these help.

Pecka Thank you for responding - our situations do seem similar. The approaching due date is a tough, but it sounds like you'll get through it really well in the circumstances. I'm heartened to hear that you've found this month a little better, and funnily enough, I thought I was doing pretty well this month too, until I spent last week at a family function, with constant comments from everyone, and then had a bit of a meltdown. I bought that book too, but threw it out a few months ago, when DH told me I was making too big a deal out of everything. Maybe I'll buy it again.

Meliesmummy Thank you for the link. I'll pop over and see you guys.

Kay Thanks for responding too. For some reason it's just good to know you're not the only one.

Two JRs Thanks for responding as well. I can relate when you say you thought you'd be pg by now. I never thought I'd be here! Holidays are a good way of disengaging a bit. Last summer I didn't want to book any as I was sure I'd be pg by the time they came around. Also, your mum isn't the only mum to occasionally fetch an earful. It is hard every month. I keep thinking at the beginning that I'm keeping it together really well and that I'm cool as a cucumber and then as the end approaches it all falls to pot. Oh, and you're right, the seduction's pretty good!

Angster Thanks for posting too. Now I could have written your post! Ridiculous how similar some experiences are. I know exactly what you mean about putting pressure on yourself and feeling bizarrely competitive. I'm also trying to stop. I guess I will also have to think of some other positive things to do this year that aren't baby related. I was thinking of starting acupuncture too but then didn't want to get in to all of that. Maybe I'll give it a go. I'll have a look at the other threads you mention too. Thank you so much.

To everyone, thanks for all of your responses. Amazingly I do actually fell better.

I'm sorry that you're so down. You sound very much like I was before I conceived DD, which took 15 months. I was the same age as you and every month another friend would announce a pregnancy. SIL was pregnant during this time having fallen pg on her ONE WEEK LONG honeymoon. Anyway, just because it hasn't happened doesn't mean it won't happen. DD is living proof! I too felt sadness, jealously, anger, rage (in fact if you search this site for some very early posts of mine you'll see).

So, what did I do to stay sane and stay positive:

Took sensible steps to take control:

1. Saw my Dr and arranged some infertility tests (I never needed them as I got pg that month)
2. Saw a nutritionist and changed my diet and lifestyle to be much healthier (without being weirdly obsessive - see treats below!)
3. Read up on maximising conception. We bought OPKs, used pre-seed and did the Deanna plan

Made a conscious choice to stop obsessing and making my life all about falling pg:

1. I booked a snowboarding holiday
2. I booked myself on a photography course (my favourite hobby)
3. Treated myself to the occasional boozy night out with non-baby friends (Colleagues were the easiest to do this with!) and shared lovely wine at weekends with DH

When it all got too much I'd come on hear for a read and a rant.

Good luck. I'm sure that statistically at our age it take an average of 9 months to fall pg so it's perfectly possible it will happen in the next few months. HTH

Hi everyone, this is my first message on here but just felt i could relate to all that you were saying. I have been trying to conceive for 2.5 years and have been pregnant twice but sadly had mmc both at 8 weeks. I have now reached the 1 year mark since the last mc and am now finding it increasingly difficult to cope with the rollercoaster of emotions that happens each and every month. It is so hard when all around you seem to get pregnant so easily. It is hard not to let it consume your whole life and i am starting to get paranoid that people are starting to wonder what is wrong with me as i have been married for nearly 3 years and no kids. I am finally being referred to a fertility clinic and have decided to have a break from obsessively trying for a few mths as i am moving home and for my own sanity as i seem to be bursting into tears at the slightest thing. Who knows maybe when i stop stressing something might happen. Just so lucky to have a supportive husband. I have been going to acupuncture for the last few mths and really feel it is helping to regulate me and is good therapy and relaxation, would defo recommend. Good luck to everyone and fingers crossed it happens sooner rather than later.

Wow - so many people feeling the same things. Lots and lots of good advice has already been offered.

I think one of the things I have found is that different things are needed at different times.

DH and I have just celebrated our 5th anniversary. We have been TTC for 14 months now, but am only on month 3 of clomid. We found out that I have PCOS and he has poor sperm.

At first, to cope with not being pg, I focused on exercise, diet, reflexology. And that was great for a few months. But once we realised our bodies needed extra help from the fertility consultant, I stopped concentrating on that stuff. DH and I make sure we have treats planned - holidays, meals out, nice bottles of wine. And although I look after myself, I realised I cannot change things myself. That took the pressure off me.

I hope this makes sense? Over the months I have found it helpful to be on MN and then other months not. To speak to close family, and other times not. To read up on things, or to bury my head. See lots of my nieces, or sometimes avoid them.

So I guess what I'm trying to say is, do what you need to to stay sane!!

This month I decided not to care and tried not to talk or think about TTC at all. But AF is due in the next few days and I've found myself strangely drawn to MN again!

Good luck to everyone else out there hoping for that sticky bean

semp, miffles so sorry to hear you are in this difficult place too, GG how are you doing? Re claire's thread suggestion, praps we could use this one??

Sorry cat on keyboard hence silly bold type!