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Original poster

Am terrified of having another baby, but hormonally drawn to it!!!

43 replies

bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 09:10

For all those who have posted on my other equally rambling threads, apologies for going on, AGAIN!

Situation so far is that DH & I have one cheeky, goreous 3.5yo who still doesn't sleep through - but that is another story. I veer from desperately wanting another (usually coinciding with ovulation) and being f***g terrified and appalled by the idea. DH is adamant that we are not having another, but then made no noises over unprotected sex last month.

I then went into a blind panic that I may be pg, which kind of makes me think I'm not REALLY up for a second.

I do not want DD to be an only child, I do not want her to have to cope witht he aged Ps on her own, nor have anyone to reminisce with. I do not feel I am a particularly maternal or natural mother. I am terrified of getting PND again. I am terrified of having a special needs child (feel I 'got away with it' last time as it all pg & birth went so well). I have no idea on the logistics of two. I fear I do not have the patience for two. I am worried about giving up my job & being a SAHM and reliant on DH for money (my work involves travel & nights away & would not want to do this with two). I am to an extent worried about the effects another pg will have on my already deteriorating body. I am worried I will look back with regret if I don't have another and also if I do. I feel I will have failed myself if I stick at one.

Is this normal? Do other people worry like this or am I indulging in the luxury of thinking about things too much??

I yearn for another baby to prove I can do it without falling apart, but sleepless nights, nappies, weaning, pushing prams.......and my ever dwindling self in terms of time and space. Is it worth it???

OP posts:
kama · 10/10/2005 09:12

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Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 09:14

That's it isn't it... Logically I know I only want one. Emotionally all the other factors come in to play.

Sucks really. As if being a parent isn't hard enough, without worrying about the child(ren) you DON'T have!

OP posts:
Angeliz · 10/10/2005 09:27

To answer the simple last question, is it worth it?
Yes. Definately.

I was worried about all the same things, my BIGGEST concern and i cryed all through the pregnancy coz of it was, how's it gonna affect dd1.
Her life is very different but she adores her baby sister. The way they look at each other is just pure magic.
I don't think you can ever regret having a child as you'll love them whatever happens when they're here.
You could regret not having one though IYSWIM!?

Now my dilemma is,.......another one?

mancmum · 10/10/2005 09:27

reading your post carefully, it sounds like you really do want another baby to give your DD a sibling and all that that entails and for your own validation but your fear of your health breaking is overwhelmingly more powerful... could you talk thru these fears with a doctor or a counsellor to find out how likely these problems could be...? Might help put them in proportion?

I worried about having another in terms of time and space and patience and all the "me" factors that you mention... but I would say that I found it far far easier the second time than the first... no feeling of out of my depth or what the hell is going to happen next ... and the relationship between my 2 is so beautiful and rewarding for all involved, it has made me so pleased I went for it.. I think you are right -- you can think too much about these things but I think some focused guided thinking with a counsellir would help you... and at the end of the day it does not matter how many kids you have, as long as you are happy with your decision...

kama · 10/10/2005 09:38

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Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 09:54

Mancmum - not so worried about my health, more my mind! Also have no idea how my boobs can look any worse, but I am sure they would find a way!

Angeliz - what's the age gap between your two?? My DD would love a baby sister, but not a brother...She is at that age that every toy is a baby to put to bed & feed

OP posts:
Angeliz · 10/10/2005 09:59

my dd1 was 4 3 days after i gave Birth. ( thye were actually due on the same day at first!).
DD1 is a great little helper and to be honest dd2 has just fit right into the family no problem. Plus it really does FLY by those early days. She's already sitting at the dinner table with us munching toast and carrots.
DD1 would NOT be without her.

kama, we are going away to Ireland soon so wish me luck

Angeliz · 10/10/2005 09:59

she was 4..............3 days after i gave birth, not 43

adrift · 10/10/2005 10:09

I dreaded the prospect of a second child in terms of exhaustion, further erosion of my sense of self, shameful awareness that I wasn't 'particularly maternal or a natural mother', but held my nose and got pregnant for DH and DD's sake. And after the birth, PND blew up suddenly (at which point I realised I'd had it with my first child too) and I had a few very bad weeks -- but it's now so wonderful to have the chance to experience being happy with a baby. I can't believe how close I came to not having a second child; it frightens me, tbh.
You may not get PND again, or you may find that it's far easier to get a handle on this time, knowing what you're up against. Either way, I'm fairly sure that PND will have coloured every bit of your experience with your first child; that's the problem, it's not necessarily you, or even your life circs, IYSWIM.
It's true what everyone says about two being in some ways easier than one. I didn't believe this for a minute before I saw the evidence

Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 10:13

Well done Adrift - you are a stronger person than me! How old is No.2 now?? The PND DID colour the first 18 months I would say. I started to come out of it at 12 months, but wished that first 12 months away and feel very sad about that. I remember next to nothing about it! I am scared of that happening again with two, and don't feel it would be fair to anyone concerned, including DH who is the reluctant father, albeit a very good one!

OP posts:
Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 10:16

Angeliz - DD will be 4.2 yo if DH & I get a wiggle on now! I think this is a good age as she is receptive to another one and can cope emotionally. I don't really want much more of a gap TBH, that's why it all seems so urgent to make a decision now & doing my head in over it!

OP posts:
adrift · 10/10/2005 10:21

DS is nearly 9 mths. DD nearly 4.
If I'd known I'd had PND with her, I think I might not have been 'brave' enough to do it. That would have been an official, unassailable reason not to have another one. As it was, I assumed it was just me failing to cope, and resolved not to be so rubbish the next time. Actually DS was a very happy, easy baby, and even when I was going nuts, I was aware of this, so it was much easier to work out that something else was going on. Got help quickly and came out of it quickly too.
How old was DD when you were diagnosed?

Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 10:26

I was never diagnosed - just put all the pieces together myself when I found this site. I didn't realise that anyone else felt the same way about motherhood and experienced the same sense of complete despair, just put it down to me being crap and hid at work. One day it felt like a cloud had lifted and everything felt much easier and I was a helluva lot less anxious! Wouldn't/couldn't admit anything was wrong. Filled in all the Edinburgh tests they throw at you with the answers I knew they wanted.... Didn't really help me much in the long term. But as you say am wiser now and know what to look aout for...

OP posts:
adrift · 10/10/2005 10:30

Sounds like you need to talk to someone like a sympathetic GP/HV so they can give you an idea of what support is available.
Maybe that would give you some confidence?

Earlybird · 10/10/2005 10:59

I have one child, dd who is 4.8. I tried for another child for a long time, but was unsuccessful so dd will be an only.

FWIW, I have heard people say that an age gap of 4 years or less is best if you want siblings to really interact and be friends. An age gap of greater than 4 means that they will be at such different developmental stages that they won't play/interact the same way.

Obviously, I don't know if that is true from personal experience. But, it seems to make sense. So, if you're clear that you don't want your child to be an only, it may be worth considering what type sibling relationship you'd wish for. That preference can then be factored into the timing of trying for a second.

Hope I haven't just added to your confusion!

CuriousMama · 10/10/2005 11:07

how old are you BM? I know you say you wouldn't want any more of a gap but you being ready as you can be is more important IMO. I don't think any of us are totally ready though.

I love having my two boys and did find it easier with 2. They are very close and now that ds1 is almost 8 and ds2 is 5 they play for hours together.

Ds1 was a very very difficult baby but is a wonderful child. DS2 was the easiest baby ever, dreadfully difficult up until 4 and has ended up a doddle They are all so different you just can't predict.

I agree with whoever said you could try professional advice as you seem to have very strong views.

Btw, I'm not particulary maternal either and came from an unmaternal mother of 4

Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 11:17

Am 37, DH is 48 this year. So it really is now or never, assuming we can fall on straight away! I may have a few years left, but I agree with the age gap thing of 4 years or less, and don't want to wait until I am 40 and have a 6yo and new born.

Have been putting this decision off and off and now feel it is crunch time! Thing is I picture it all as being rosy and happy families, with a sleeping baby, breastfeeding a doddle, me happy to give up every ounce of my self & devote it to my children. But in reality I know it will be nothing like....

But, but, but....maybe it could be half way??

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 10/10/2005 11:36

I'm 37 too and my dh is 49.

It may be so much easier this time BM. I had mild pnd with ds1 and some sort of spaced out thing? with ds2. Just went a bit funny, not sure what was wrong. I blamed pnd with ds1 on exhaustion as he rarerly slept but think with ds2 it was just hormonal?

Do you find it easy to relax? I've found being more laid back about stuff and not stressing over small stuff has helped me. I try to keep healthy and relax, chill more. So what if the kids go out for the day and end up covered in who knows what? It's only muck. I used to get wound up when ds1 was a baby. I remember going to the local shop and having to have a full changing bag with me even though it was 5 mins away

Have you had a big talk with dh? It must be so hard for you if he isn't 100% behind you. I hope you can come to a decision that isn't out of desperation.

huggybear · 10/10/2005 11:39

I have to and there is just under 2 years between them

would no way have anymore!!!!

I love my boys but nappies, no sleep, no chance to have a warm bath, going back to being covered in baby sick - no thanks!!

Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 11:41

Have had some talks with DH, but they always end up getting very emotional. He had a terrible time of it too as he was primary carer - I worked. He suffers from insomnia & depression, got by on an average of 4 hours sleep and nearly went over the edge. He is obviously not going to rush back to that again willingly. Things WILL be very different this time around as I won't have to rush back to work after 4 months, he is working, we have a MUCH better support network in place. However, we cannot guarantee they will be better and that is what scares the backside off both of us. I am surprised that we came through it intact & together TBH. I wasn't in a good place and could not offer him any support & visa versa. I know he harbours alot of resentment about this!

OP posts:
Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 11:43

Thanks Huggybear!! I think if I had two then it would be a closed case. It is the denial of a sibling and raising an only child that I can't get past. If I had two then logic would win!

OP posts:
CuriousMama · 10/10/2005 11:44

Can u afford some private counselling? I think you could do with it tbh. Sounds like there's a lot going on here.

I'm off to the gym to swim now, take care and I'll talk to you later hun

Original poster
bootsmonkey · 10/10/2005 11:52

I agree we both have a bit of baggage, but are we really the only couple who find making htis decision so hard. Does everyone else just swan into the second, third fourth child with nary a blink of the eye??

Why do I find motherhood so hard??

OP posts:
Nightynight · 10/10/2005 12:03

gosh bootsmonkey, thats quite a list of things to worry about! I have to admit that I didnt think about most of them, as I gaily went ahead with a fourth pregnancy.

most of your fears seem to arise from dreading an exact repeat of what happened last time, but surely it doesn't have to be the same? with your previous experience of PND, do you not have some faith in yourself, that you could spot any symptoms and get to the doctor in time? (assuming you were unlucky enough for it to strike again) To avoid putting too much stress on your dh, could you afford an au pair this time, or to put the baby with a child-minder, or in nursery for some hours a week so that you could both work, at least part time?

Nightynight · 10/10/2005 12:04

bootsmonkey,
cos it IS hard!