Fertility Treatment and Male gynos

[Chirpey]

My hubby pants and i have been TTC for three years now i have had a hycosy, bloods, hormone tests, Clomid and a Laparoscopy and dye test. Recently i had the laparoscopy under a general anesethetic. While i was away from the ward my husband witnessed a 'male theatre assistant walk out of the theatre and gyrate and touch himself suggestively as he walked back to the nurse station. Following that the nurse who had been looking after me came out and asked that the rest of the ladies should wear their bras. We have put a complaint into the hospital concerned and the situation is being investigated so we are waiting to hear what an investigation shows up. But since then this has caused my usually very supportive hubby to feel very insecure about the treatment we are going through and the possibility of innapropriatly driven men around me during the process. The problem is its a difficult time for us anyway and now this persons actions has opened up a complete can of worms! I am no prude but i do value my dignity as does my hubby. Usually for smears i request a female because i personally feel more comfortable that way however in fertility treatment we seem to get what we are given. Now i am VERY grateful for the help we have been given because we are clearly unable to conceve naturally and to achieve the baby that we so deeply want we obviously need the help of others but now my hubby has done a lot of research on the subject of males in gyno positions and males during intimate procedures and there seems to be a lot opinions about experienced innapropriate behaviour. I feel i went in for the op and was put out i don't know anything about what happened and now am pleased it is being investigated but i don't know how to support hubby with his feelings PLEASE help.

I've been through many of the tests and treatemnts that you detail, and it is a hugely difficult experience for both people to go through. I'm so sorry that you are having to face all this.

While you are waiting for the outcome of the investigation, I think it might be worth while seeing if you and your DH can get some counselling. The whole experience is obviously raising a lot of issues for you both and you may need some help to work your way through it all.

You don't say if you will be going down the route of IVF, I assume you still hope to get pregnant. Both these situations are likely to lead to you coming across more men who may be involved in exmanining you quite intimately. Whatever the outcome of the investigation - whether there was inappropriate behaviour or your DH overreacted to what he saw due to the stress etc. I think you could do with talking - to each other and possibly a professional.

Thank you for your kind comments (I am the DH).

Below is an example of the kind of thing I have discovered following our situation...

This is from an actual former Gyn:
www.topix.com/forum/med/obstetrics-and-gynecology/TFC4747NUBFSG2JST/p4#c63.

"Speaking from experience, I know for a fact that men can and do get excited from time to time while examining females. I have spoken to my male colleagues and they report similar experiences. One male colleague of mine told me that he has gotten erections while doing exams. He has on occasion refused to exam patients because of intense sexual attraction. He is well liked and well respected by his patients.

Another colleague of mine referred to a patient's vagina a beautiful box. Why do I mention these things? Because it is not uncommon. A woman has no way at all of knowing because she cannot possibly read his mind. Most doctors have learned to hide their feelings very well, otherwise they would not last long on the job.

I know you male gyno lovers will never change. My wife goes to a female doctor for gyn exams and always will. I have since given up the practice of gyn exams because I know they are wrong (for me) and there are too many good alternatives these days unlike 20-30 years ago.

Keep on you male gyno lovers perpetuating the myth that doctors are immune to sexual attraction during gyno exams. It just isn't true.

Been there, done that."

I feel sickened by all this.

What an awful abuse of a position of trust, I would be horrified if this had happened to me.

I know medical professionals are only human too, but for goodness sake, they should be able to control their actions.

I feel very sorry that you've been through this. An added stressor over and above the stress were already experiencing.

This is getting me down and DH stressed totally out. I feel focused on a happy family future but this is just an awful stage and there is so mush information about on the internet with different views on the rights and wrongs of male gynocology that it is hard now to know what the hell to think and on top of this i just want to support my hubby with his feelings as he has now not slept properly for the 12 nights since the op. I really don't know what to do for the best.

If I were you I would stop googling and try to stop stressing out about it because it's very unlikely that you would be unlucky enough to have a bad experience with a male medical professional.

I would suggest that your Husband seek some conselling for his worries.

Please see this thread. It is clear that neither the OP or her husband are seriosuly interested in our support.

"While i was away from the ward my husband witnessed a 'male theatre assistant walk out of the theatre and gyrate and touch himself suggestively as he walked back to the nurse station" - I would think it more likely that he was being suggestive to the nurses at the nurses station and that they should complain than he was doing anything in appropriate in front of all the other staff (male and female) in an operating theatre.

But you are quite within your rights to insist on a female gynae, though it may delay your treatment if you need to assemble a cast of female only medical practicioners.

Check out what Piprabbit has linked to. You may change your mind about replying.

yes I have now, thanks

Kewcumber, do you think it appropriate for a 'professional' to be 'suggestive' in this situation?

no and I would be upset if I saw it. But I understand you have complained and that complaint is being investigated.

Starting up a thread to mount a witch-hunt against a whole profession tarring them all with the same brush particularly as it seems the person your DH saw was not even a gynaecologist seems to me even more appropriate and from the posts your DH has made on the otehr thread I'm not at all surprised that many people are convinced he is trolling.

piprabbit you are wrong.
Kewcumber i have suggested this in our conversations at home and i would definatly prefer to think although stupid these actions were unrelated. i also have agreed with my husband to request female help. I am in a difficult place because i feel very strongly about having a baby as a woman i feel incomplete and inadequate being unable to conceive naturally. our three years of fertility so far have been so up and down emotionally i feel i just cant cope with this on top. All i want is a settled family life. My husband has been very supportive but its like this has pushed the balance. I realise i will probably have to wait longer but i feel its a compromise i need to make although i cant help but think it should never have come to this in the first place.

I have been through what you are going through and I have every sympathy. I understand how close to the surface emotions run, I've seen more than my fair sahre of male(and female) gynae's over the years and have never been seen unchaparoned by a male in 20 years.

Your husbands thread makes him sound either unbalanced or a troll.

Kew cumber I have not started a witch hunt and i have not tarred anyone coment above yours belongs to my husband. I can see how he is being percieved and its a shame.

no I know you haven't I am referring to the other thread.

If he isn't a troll then he won't get anywhere - if you have been on MN any time at all you will know that and convince him to bow out.

And if he/you are a troll then you won't get anywhere either because no-one in their right mind is going to share inimate details with someone virtually frothing at the mouth. And what good would random comments from internet strangers do anyway.

If there were a serious issue of large scale inappropriate behavour on the part of gynaecologists, do you not think it is exactly the kind of thing MN would have been rife with before now?

i understand what you are saying, and on your last comment i just don't know what to think about it. This is the first time i have come accross this since we have been in fertility treatment. I wanted my husband to be able to talk because i am not knowing what else to say. my focus is on having a baby and a happy family i never wanted a full scale riot of words.

Chirpey, talk to your DH face-to-face in RL. Don't try and have this discussion on an internet forum. Find some proper counselling for the both of you - it is meant to be offered to all couples undergoing fertility treatment so it should be fairly easy to track down someone who has experience in this area.

Your H is not here talking about his feelings, he is ranting at and attempting to bully some respected and longterm MNers (I do not include myself in this description). he isn't even listening to you.

We have done a lot of talking i now believe i was wrong to come on here with this and will seek further professional help i guess from my doctor. I Know my relationship and my husband is a loving man, this situation has just had a huge effect. Im sorry if people have been offended.

Chirpey - asking for support on MN is not wrong. Your original Op was reasonably worded and would, I am sure, have received more responses from other Mners wanting to support you.

The problem was when you H arrived, and began shouting the odds. He may be a loving man, but I think he also has a lot of issues he needs to deal with.

My wife has an irrational fear of heights. She goes bannanas when we're driving down a road that has steep dropoffs next to it. But because I know of her feelings, I try to pick the wider roads that don't have as many dropoffs, even if it means longer routes and heavier traffic. And if she starts acting a little wierd when we're on one of those non-referred routes, at least I know what's bothering her and can take it a little slower than normal, hug the center line a little more, and try to be understanding with her.

Most of us have seemingly irrational feelings of one kind or another.

My aroused concerns do not mean that I'll necessarily demand that no doctor examines her, as do realise that I'll be putting her health and life in danger. What I witnessed freaked me out, I now just need to feel at ease during intimate examinations. That may never happen, but it will get easier as time and more exams go by.

Duelingfanjo im not the one googling my DH has his pants in a twist and although we've done some talking he clearly needs to let off steam.
Piprabbit i agree there are issues to be dealt with and i also know that this is something that takes time and to deal with them he needs to get out of this rut! Thank you for your kind comments towards me although divorce (from DH's thread) is defo not on the cards its during difficult times that i try harder. Rest assured the happy times far outweigh the on one times!
DH yes you ! please for the final time of asking stop getting wound up about all this you have been offered lots of advice some good some not so.
as for the actual issue you me and our future happy family are what is most important to me. To achieve this you need to learn to listen more. Now i love you a lot and you know how much i do but while you are concentrating on side issues you are not concentrating on our dream. I am a strong person but from time to time i do need your support but what im asking for is a cuddle not to be drawn into lenghthy debates.

The tone of this thread is accusatory and inflamatory.

And it's 'gynaes' in the UK.

This thread makes me deeply uneasy, on every conceivable level (no pun intended).

step down from the moral high ground expatinscotland !:)