Trying to concieve, not sure people wil be supportive

[staceym11]

As most of you prob know, im 18 with a 10mth old dd and devoted dh, but we still live at my mum and dads coz we just don't have the means to get a mortgage and as my dad keeps telling me rent is wasted money!!!! my parents are both happy to have us for as long as we want "chloe can get married while still living here if you want" as a direct quote, but as im planning to start uni to study midwifery either next sept (06) or the one after id prefer to have a second baby now, and put the uni off for a bit rather than do the uni and have to put the baby off for 4/5 years!!

I recently had a convo with my dad when i tought i could have been pg (but turns out i wasnt) and he said that if i did have another baby it wouldnt bother them as two dont make that much more mess/noise/stress than one. but does anyone out there think me and dh would be extremely irresposible if we had another baby before finding a house of our own????? please help!

Its always been my opinion that with some things if you always try to "plan it" there will never be a right time so you may as well just bite the bullet and go for it.

That said, at your age (trying not to sound patronising ) its so much easier to study and learn things and i do feel it would be better to get on with it as young as possible. I know people can and do learn at any age, my dad went back to college at 49, and in fact is doing a teaching degree now he is 63, but he would tell you - its easier the younger you are.

As long as you and your DH are happy and your parents are happy then do what you like. I would discuss it with your parents first though just out of courtesy if they are helping you out so much by having you all live there.

I think your parents may find the living arrangements harder to deal with if there was another child.
We lived with my mum and dad for a year when it was just DS1 and it was brilliant - if we ever stay with 2 DS's it is really hard work.
I personally would advise you to wait until you had your own place and not rock the boat.

I have spoken to them and they both said it would be fine, i know that going to uni is important and i am def gunna do it within the next five years, but i have felt the happiest in my life since my daughter and i dote on her, i jsut dont want to put off having another one for 5 years, its a long time!

think it depends on how squashed you all are living together really and how parents would feel about having another baby in the house. if they dont mind i dont see a problem

i have three kids, age gap between 1 and 2 is 18 months, then next gap is 4 years. the smaller age gap is definately easier and the kids bond so well when they are close in age (not saying they dont when theres a bigger gap, but 1 & 2 are quite good friends most of the time, share same interests). i do agree about second baby not making as huge an impact as first at your dds age, but with a big age gap thats not necessarily true

as for uni - i found out i was pg with ds3 the week before i started 1st year. studying while pg was ok but doing it with a tiny baby was a nightmare. in the end i finished one term part time and then took time off (starting again in october when ds3 is 16 months). you will have to be prepared to be flexible and hope your uni is willing to do the same. i have always asked for help as soon as i needed it and it makes things much easier than leaving it until you are in a huge mess.

Aren't you just making it more and more difficult for yourselves to eventually buy a house though?

With 2 kids you'll need a bigger house, more childcare committments (if your parents won't watch them).... just more costs out in general!

I can't help feeling that you will be spending your Midwives salary before you've earned it IYKWIM. And you don't have to put off having children for 4 or 5 yrs if you study Midwifery! You could start ttc the second you pass the course if you wanted.

I do know how you feel. I want to study midwifery next year and would love a 3rd baby..... I have been toying with the idea of having one before I start the course..... BUT I have decided that we really needed to get ourselves set up for a 3rd..... rather than chase our tails and struggle like we have with ds and then dd.

"two dont make that much more mess/noise/stress than one" sorry I disagree. Think it would be very hard with potentially 2 under 2 in a limited space. Wouldn't go as far as to say you would be irresponsible but think it would be a strain all around and financially it could be less realistic to get back to studying and move out.

Got to agree Lizs - I wouldn't say they are double the work, but it is most certainly increased!!!

I just think that perhaps you need your independence as a family at the moment..... and to get your studies out the way before you have another one.

It depends whether your DH can afford to support all four of you whilst you stay at home and/or study.
If you can financially support yourselves and you are both happy with the idea (and your parents don't mind living with another) then go ahead.
If, however, you would need your parents to support you financially or you would be relying on the state then the only responsible thing to do is wait.

I think it's a decision only you can make but don't you want a place of your own? I know I would be going mad living with my parents. Doesn't it put a strain on your relationship with your dh not having any space of your own? Is there enough room for 2 children at your parents?

the thing is there IS enough room, and my parents are completely fine with the situation. i dont see why we would need more room when we do move out because i grew up sharing a room and it never did me any harm. we can afford it financially or i would never even think about it, im not going to compromise my daughters upbringing for something that can be done at a later date. it would have to be put of for 4/5 years because the course takes three and i wouldnt start till next sept, so that leaves us 4 yrs down the line.

the problem is, we could afford mortgage repayments and have our own house and prob live quite comfortably, but for some reason nobody will give us a mortgage for more than 75k which will buy diddly squat around here and we cant move too far because of dh's job.

i can understand what you'r all saying and i know i asked advice because i am confused but for all your arguements i cant acctually see a problem.

and as for my parents driving me mad it doesnt work like that, we all do our share of the housework, they dont interfere in how we bring up dd and we all get on like adults, which we are, i would probably find it hard if they still tried to treat me like a child, obviously i am still their daughter and have to abide by the rules of the house but for 98% of the time we all get on.........and my parents love seeing dd so much.

if your happy...stay put...what did people do in the "olden days" its called an extended pamily and if it works for you, enjoy it...there is nothing like having a family that supports you and are there for you. You are very lucky!

thank you that made me feel much better was starting to think i was being selfish, or inconciderate, any way feel better now!

I think its wonderful that you get on so well with your parents, I love my Mum to bits, but put us in a house together and its world war 3.

Personally for me your situation wouldnt work, DH and I like our own space. But as long as everybody is happy with the arrangement then I can see no reason for it not to continue. My only reservations is that having 2 small children is a lot of work, mess etc, I have an 18 month old age gap and I have found it a lot harder than having one. Since no 2 has come along housework has gone to pot, which isnt so bad as its just us but if you live with other people may not be so good. But as long as they are happy with the situation then go for it.

If everybody in your family is comfortable and happy with the situation then what is there that you could be being selfish or inconsdierate about. I could not have lived with my parents at that age, nor would i have coped with two small children but this is your life to live in a way that is right for you and your family.

Staceym11 - Sharing a room is fine, I did it with my sister until I was 10..... BUT if they are different sexes you might have a problem a few years down the line. I have a ds and a dd that share a room. Now that ds has turned 4 he has started to notice that he has a pink cot in his space rocket bedroom!

Like everyone has said.... if it works for you.... and you are so happy then fine. But I don't really see why you needed advice here as every possible problem that people have come up with you have shown that it isn't a problem!

No problem
No Quandry

Sorry but if I were you I'd be saving the money a baby would cost to get together a decent deposit that would mean you could buy somewhere with a mortgage of £75k

If you can only really get a mortgage for 75k that means you between you you must have an income of around £25k (75/3). Realistically if that's the case and you have another child it is likely that it will be years before you can afford childcare whilst at uni/working and a mortgage

Also surely your parents have made the decision that you can stay with them so you can save not so you can have another baby?

you parents are very generous IMHO and I wouldn't jepordise that if I were in your shoes. you wouldn't want to outstay your welcome either (would you?)

Sorry if that sounds a bit blunt

My Mum watches my 2 on a Friday. She has had 4 children, but she had forgotten how much hard work 2 young children can be! Mind you.... she's getting on a bit now, she's 53.

Mascara - I think thats what I've been trying to say... but much clumsier!!!

Thats a very good point. Staying with your parents was supposed to be an alternative to wasting money on rent whilst you study! So you could save up for a place of your own.

Toothache you probably used less yous than me though lol! I must must must learn to proof read (and spell). I'd be rubbish on 'just a minute'

Also wanted to add something else. My Mum looks after my 2 on occasions, but not that often as we live a long way away from her. But, I feel that I need to keep reminding myself that she is a grandmother. She loves my 2 and would have them whenever she could, but I dont want to take advantage, after all the joy of being grandparents is to hand the baby back at the end of the day, and let the parents cope with the sleepless nights etc. I want her to do grandmotherly things with them. Not so easy to do when you all live in the same house.

we acctually have a combined income of 14k atm, and we are already saving for a deposit for when we move out at £500 a month, we have over 6000 already but we still have enough money to support ourselves and a new baby.

I know it seems odd staying with my parents but i honestly feel it would be better than renting (we do pay rent here and money to cover food but nowhere near as much rent as if we moved out) my parents have both said another baby wouldnt be a problem. and as for being able to hand them back, it is very rare my mum and dad look after or do anything for my dd, we wash her clothes and her dishes, we tidy her things, we hoover when she makes a mess, all they do is play occasionally and give her a goodnight kiss, and mums only 43 so she could still run round after her if she really wanted to!

Hi Stacym11, had a quick read down the thread and it seems to me you've made up you mind. You are answering everyones doubts with positive feelings, so I think you have your answer. Just follow your heart and try not to worry about anyone elses approval.

If you have the choice, I would say, study, get a job, earn more money, buy a house (bearing in mind its not just the mortgage you have to pay for), then have more kids.

I dont see how you can afford to have anymore kids without adding finacial strain.

Well just to buck the trend of opinions on this thread I read your post and my gut reaction was go for it.

If, as you say, everyone is genuinely happy for you to have another baby then it sounds like a nice situation.
Second children don't cost anything compared to first children.
And you would probably be a better midwife with a few more years under your belt. (In the meantime you could start doing the work experience that you would need in order to get onto the over-subscribed courses.)

One thought though - are you sure that you want to stop at 2 children or are a very broody person and are you going to want another..and another and so keep deferring?

iv always said i only want two,my partner wants more coz he comes from a big family but after two i wouldnt mind having an age gap of 4 years, but i feel its a big one from one child to another!