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My husband can't BD

47 replies

zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 18:38

My husband and I are trying to conceive our first baby and this is our third month of trying but it's not happening. We have been together years although we are in our late twenties so we don't have sex as much as we used to but still had a normal sex life however it has just gone wrong since trying to conceive. On the first month I used an OPK and my husband couldn't climax, the second time that week he kept losing his errection and saying he had a 'mind block'. This then happened again the next month and this month too so we ended up only having sex twice in my fertile time and I'm not pregnant.

I just don't understand it, I am attractive and there is no reason for him not to want to and it seems no one else has ever had this problem. Is it just us? Is there anything anyone can suggest? I'm at my wits end and feel like punching him in the face (I am not a violent person)

OP posts:
TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 06/09/2010 18:41

ffs, it has been THREE months. maybe he feels under pressure. its shit to try to have sex just to make a baby. and you sound totally irrational. i hope this is a wind up.

zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 18:42

It's not a wind up at all I am really upset and stressed about it. It seems everyone is pregnant at the moment and it just seems unfair my husband can't even seem to do the bit that makes the baby.

OP posts:
sowhatis · 06/09/2010 18:43

chill out! i know its hard, but it sounds like your piling loads of pressure on yourself and him. forget the OPKs and enjoy sex!

sorrento56 · 06/09/2010 18:43

Okay, if I am to ignore your unreasonable behaviour I would say it is a big deal trying for a baby and maybe he isn't as ready as he thinks he is and the pressure is getting to him.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 06/09/2010 18:46

right, deep breath. three months is nothing. most healty couples take at least 6 months-18 months to get pg. you sound totally irrational. yes, it may seem like everyone is pg, but you know what? wait til you its been 5y, that'll give you some perspective! tbh, im not surprised he is struggling if you are holding a timer up. he is under pressure to "provide the sperm" and you are at your wits end? get a grip.

raspberrytipple · 06/09/2010 18:46

zoogy1 please try not to be stressed. Just chat with your DP and relax, keep BD for fun and not solely for making a baby. it can be a bit stressful for DPs if they start to feel like a sperm machine. Maybe just have a conversation about whether he is ready to have a baby and any fears he may have, the thought of it may be frightening him and therefore putting him off, don't panic just do lots of fun things in bed to take the pressure off.

Honestly, three months is no time although I know it must not feel like that, we are on month two and I'm getting frustrated so I share your anguish but please just relax and have fun!!! You will fall pg soon enough xxx

p.s. dont punch him in the face whatever you do - that will most definitely put him off!!

Blu · 06/09/2010 18:48

The poor man! You bought an OPK in the very first month? Instead of just chucking out your contraception and letting things take their course? He isn't a stallion at a stud farm, you know!

Drop the pressure, if you do use an OPK use it v v secretly, and resume a normal, relaxed spontaneous sex life. Makehim feel you want him for himself, not as a sperm-machine with a hairdut. Working yourself into such a pitch you feel like punching him is totally counter-productive!

paisleyleaf · 06/09/2010 18:48

I'm so tempted to drop a biscuit here - but it's niggling me that this might be genuine.
OPK for first month of TTC?
You've been trying 3 months - trying?

I've had problems conceiving with my DH. It took 3 years to get pregnant, and we've not been able to again since. It is an odd and difficult time for a relationship...
but it shouldn't be anything to be upset about after 3 months.
You've gone into it uptight from before you even started with your OPK
Where's the love? ("feel like punching him in the face")
I'm not being funny, but this could be the end of your relationship.

zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 18:52

I bought an opk because a friend at work told me to as that's how she got pregnant straightaway. I am honestly telling the truth, everyone I know that;s pregnant seemed to get pregnant within a month or two including my mother! I know I sound horrible but it seems in all the threads in here eveyone is doing loads of BD'ing and my hubby just can't and I've had three months of it.

OP posts:
zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 18:54

I also namechanged for this as it is embarrassing.

OP posts:
Blu · 06/09/2010 18:54

And don't broadcast it at work, that you are TTC! He must be terrified of 'failing', and having everyone watching, wondering when he's going to strike lucky.

lal123 · 06/09/2010 18:58

poor man - no wonder he's having problems with all this expectation to perform! How would you feel if the boot was on the other foot and he was talking about you like this? Why is it embarassing???

zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 18:59

Because he can't keep his errection or come!

OP posts:
EricNorthmansmistress · 06/09/2010 19:05

OMG do you actually use the acronym BD in seriousness? I thought it was a pisstake. OP I think I would lose my erection with you too, you sound very unpleasant.

zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 19:06

I thought it was less crass that shag. I am not a horrible person, this was obviously the wrong place to ask for advice I'm sorry.

OP posts:
BabyDubsEverywhere · 06/09/2010 19:07

whats BD? Blush

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 06/09/2010 19:08

"zoogy1 Mon 06-Sep-10 18:52:33
I bought an opk because a friend at work told me to as that's how she got pregnant straightaway. I am honestly telling the truth, everyone I know that;s pregnant seemed to get pregnant within a month or two including my mother"

you have to see how irrational you are being! for a start, OPK's arent totally accurate. a woman i know told me that she got pregnant because she had sex on a full moon. another suggested that i stick my bum in the air. all purely anecdotal. yes,, OPK's can work, but on your first month? whatever happened to making love and hoping you get pg? dont get on the bitter angry train too early, coz its a long journey.

saintlydamemrsturnip · 06/09/2010 19:12

If he's never had a problem before it does sound as if it's the pressure to perform that's a problem. I think you will have to be less obvious. Keep any opk's secret and just go for it throughout the month. In that way any ones you slip in for ovulation won't be noticed.

TheLadyOfTheGreenKirtle · 06/09/2010 19:12

and a thread entitled "my husband cant maintain an erection" may have been better recieved. seriously, you need to look at your attitude.

EricNorthmansmistress · 06/09/2010 19:13

BD = 'baby dancing'

punch him in the face? For losing his erection? That sounds pretty horrible to me.

zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 19:14

If he's never had a problem before it does sound as if it's the pressure to perform that's a problem. I think you will have to be less obvious. Keep any opk's secret and just go for it throughout the month. In that way any ones you slip in for ovulation won't be noticed.

^ thank you. Thing is my friend at work told me you need to do it every day or every other during ovulation and I can't do that without him realising I'm ovulating and then he'll have his mind block again.

OP posts:
DuelingFanjo · 06/09/2010 19:15

Oh Zoogy Sad please don't get upset. I think it's such a hard thing to go through - TTC. You need to remember that 3 months is nothing at all when you are trying for a baby and you are probably putting too much pressure on yourself and your DH. I tried for months and months and I can tell you that the sex eventually became pretty much functional. To get to this point at 3 months is really sad and I think perhaps your husband is feeling the pressure.

Just remember that OPKs don't get you pregnant, they are just an aid to show you when you might be most fertile. Also when you get a positive OPK is doesn't mean you are ovulating that day - it could be a couple of days after.

I really don't want to use the phrase 'just relax' as I remember how incredibly annoying it was to be told that myself but you have reached this point of dispair really very quickly. Perhaps you need to try hard to get back to a more regular sex life where you are having sex every few days rather than concentrating on just the time around when you think you are ovulating.

I totally understand how upsetting this can all be. Maybe talk to your DH too about how he is feeling?

kat2504 · 06/09/2010 19:15

They don't call it making love for nothing. The poor bloke can't feel very loved or desired. "We have to do it cos I have a positive opk" is never going to be one of the worlds greatest turnons is it? And the turn on bit is quite important in the whole process really. I think that is how the ahem mechanism works! He doesn't need to know when your fertile period is or anything about your opks. two to three times a week on a regular basis is all you need. Sure, do the opks, track your cycle, whatever. But keep it to yourself and make sure you focus on keeping your relationship healthy.

zoogy1 · 06/09/2010 19:15

I wasn't serious about punching him I am just frustrated and upset that we keep missing my fertile time each month because of his 'mind blocks' and I can't see an end to it.

OP posts:
fuschiagroan · 06/09/2010 19:18

I think people are being a bit harsh!

OK, you are being slightly neurotic about it. He probably does feel under pressure and that is why he can't do it properly. There is no need to go on about ovulation this and OPK that, just have a lot of sex for the sake of it, and if you get pregnant then great. If, after say more than 6 months, you still haven't got pg, then maybe start doing all the proper TTC stuff, but don't tell him about it as it will make him feel pressured. And then if nothing has happened after a year or more you can seek more help.

But you probably will get preg soon if you have enough sex, and he won't be able to do it if you keep going on about it!


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