My husband can't BD

[zoogy1]

My husband and I are trying to conceive our first baby and this is our third month of trying but it's not happening. We have been together years although we are in our late twenties so we don't have sex as much as we used to but still had a normal sex life however it has just gone wrong since trying to conceive. On the first month I used an OPK and my husband couldn't climax, the second time that week he kept losing his errection and saying he had a 'mind block'. This then happened again the next month and this month too so we ended up only having sex twice in my fertile time and I'm not pregnant.

I just don't understand it, I am attractive and there is no reason for him not to want to and it seems no one else has ever had this problem. Is it just us? Is there anything anyone can suggest? I'm at my wits end and feel like punching him in the face (I am not a violent person)

Thank you for being nice!

Ok, my advice? Forget about charting when you are fertile. Just try to connect with him regularly and get each other in the mood as much as you can. Chuck the OPKs and all that nonsense. You have no reason to think you will struggle to conceive so you don't need the added stress. Just try it the old fashioned way for a few months eh? Stop putting pressure on both of your bodies. You are making a production out of something that should be fun.

I think you really need to calm down and stop using him as a breeding machine.

When you say you can't get him to shag you every other day without him guessing you are ovulating, it just sounds so sad. You need to talk to each other. I remember when DH and I were ttc and it was fun. Lots of giggles and chats. No kits of any sort, just lots of sex.

It probably is sad but after 10 years together we no longer have sex everyday so if I am initiating sex every day he would know I was ovulating.

Zoogy

I was a bit like you and my DH responded in exactly the same way.

In my case I fell pregnant the month after we got married but then miscarried.

After that the drive to be pregnant became so important to me I couldn't think of anything else. TTC should be fun and it really wasn't for either of us - the OPK ruled. It affected our relationship and DH's performance.

It happened again to a lesser extent when trying to conceive the second time because the same thing happened all over again. Thankfully DH managed me much better that time - it really was my problem, not his.

Please try to avoid making the same mistake that I did (easier said than done) - it makes me feel so sad that I have never enjoyed TTC.

Three months isn't very long to be trying and you have age on your side. (Try to) relax, enjoy and talk to each other and take your time - you'll miss all that when the babies do start to come along!

It is well known that conception happens a lot easier if both partners are not stressed. You really need to take a step back and consider a few things. Your partner is clearly really stressed by your approach. I think you should be throwing away any notion of "fertile times" and enjoy the fact that you both are happy to have more sex while you are trying for a baby.
Does your partner even want a baby? Is it something you've spoken about calmly recently? It sounds as if there is a hell of a lot of pressure coming from you to perform, and the poor man needs to be listened to and considered.

The reason that you have had some quite strong reactions on here is clear. You must remember that a lot of people on this board have been TTC for a long time, and might well be going through some serious fertility problems. Your attitude towards this is not helping your cause at all.

If your OP had read "I'm TTC but DH is struggling to maintain and erection or come, I'm worried about why this might be", responses would have been a lot kinder. If this is the way you post, you come across as aggressive and thoughtless. I'm sure you are only frustrated and keen to get pregnant, but please respect your audience.

So, my advice is to chill out a bit, enjoy sex, see if you can lighten the mood. And talk to him rationally. Make sure he is allowed more time to come to terms with being a dad if that's what he needs. The last thing you want (I presume) is your marriage to fail as a result of the pressure you're putting him under.

What everyone else said about calming down a bit and just having sex to see what happens, plus do you not think he might be a bit overwhelmed? Having a baby is a massive undertaking and he wouldn't be the first bloke to be terrified about impending doom fatherhood. Good luck and have fun .

And?

You either both want to try for a baby or you don't.

Hardly anyone has sex every day!Even if they have only been together a year or so. The standard advice is every two to three days ought to do it.

zoogy I noticed you said "we don't have sex as much as we used to". If you have gone from occassionally having sex to full-on BD'ing then its not just a question of pressure from the idea of making a baby, but also him maybe needing to adjust to a new you in a re-structured sexual relationship.

If this is the case, then all the advice to BD regularly might not be helpful.

For DH and I who after years of being together had slipped into comfortable happy evenings of late night reading and watching films together, the sudden switch to SWI when we'd rather be doing something else wasn't easy.

So, contrary to popular opinion on MN, our fertility monitor, my ferning microscpe and charting all help to keep us sane, and Dh follows all these things as closely as I do! It means we know when we can BD, and when we can spend evenings doing other stuff we also enjoy together. If you think about it: advice to BD regularly throughout the cycle is, for some people, exactly what scheduled sex is and also very stressful. Pants to that!

So I think you need to have a really good talk to him. There is no 'right way': you need to find 'your way'. And by 'your' I mean you and your DH. You can't force him to do what you want him to do. So don't embark on any solutions until you fully understand how he's feeling and what is worrying him.

Above all, you're in your late twenties and you have time to ease into this and get used to the changed terms and conditions. After three cycles of this, I think a break might be in order while you talk and sort.

Also, keep in mind that high stress can play havoc with cycles which isn't good for conceptions either. So its very important you go gently on both of you.

fair point chocciechip Different ways suit different people. And you are right that there are plenty of other enjoyable things to do together as a couple.

A watched pot never boils.

Give him a blowjob or a 69 - remind him that you still love him as a lover and not just a potential father.

(and I'm not just talking about oral sex as four-play - go all the way and you'll make him feel a lot better about your sex life)

Yyy, never fails .

I do hope you both find a way to be happy together soon and find away to support each other. You are upset so he doesnt like and it and makes him feel like hes let you down so next time you are getting to it: it comes straight in to his head and there is goes again.

I had issues a few years ago with dryness and being unable to relax and it was horrible as the longer it went on he couldnt hide his frustration and it freaked him out! We are consistant one a week/fornighters after 8 years.

I dont want to sound like an old romance novel or anything but the week before you are ov at a time when there is no pressure and enjoy each other! If its a shared bath or a massage whatever.

My DH works 12 hour shifts and with the commute its a 14hr day so the chance of us getting some then is next to impossible and as pissed off as I sometimes feel when we miss the 'fertile period' you can not blame him for outside life!!

Good luck x

Oh zoogy1 you've opened a can of worms here haven't you? I know it must be exceedingly frustrating for you that your DH is having these problems, the thing you need to remember is that there are a lot of ladies on the conception threads who have been trying for years in some cases and so it can be rather heated in here at times (believe me I've had egg on my face from posting in the wrong frame of mind).

The only advice I can offer is to relax, talk to you hubby and remember that sex has to be fun whether you're TTC or not.

I wish you all the best and hope that you and your DH can sort your problems out together

ok, may have over-reacted a bit earlier. i hope it happens for you soon and you manage to sort things out with dh.

zoogy I'm sorry you've had a bit of a grilling on here, for the reasons people have stated.

I think everybody is right - you need to relax and throw the OPKs out of the window. You don't want you and your DH to be arguing and stressed and unhappy even if you do conceive, so try to make ttc be about the last chances you have to go out and have a few too many drinks, spend time alone together, etc, and just see what happens. Everybody gets freaked out by ttc at one point or another, I think, and you need to put those freak-outs off for as long as possible!

Another poster said that all the charting etc actually helped them. DH and I are 6 months into ttc (though I'm only on my fourth cycle because coming off the pill has messed me up a bit) and I have to say I don't use any OPKs but I do do my temps and check CM. It's very easy to do and because my cycles are irregular it helps me predict when my period will be and when it is sensible to test. So my advice would be to only use these tools if they help you feel calm, - not if they're going to stress you out.

And check out the conception pages on MN - it sounds like you're a bit in the dark about what will and won't help you get pregnant, how long it should take, and so on. Better information should help - problems like this can affect any man and it is probably just a temporary blip, and you can't even see a doctor for infertility until you've been trying for a year! So you've got nothing to worry about.

Good luck

I also agree with the general message of the previous posts tho not with some of the more harsh deliveries, you do need to relax my dear!!!

I do TOTALLY understand tho, my DH had a couple of 'performance issues' with our second month TTC#2, DC1 happened straight away so when it didnt happen the same with the second round of TTC I was a little more insistent on SWI during my fertile time. Combine this with long hours at work and starting a new exercise / diet plan poor DH was shattered and if we were being more natural it would have been early nights and lots of sleeping rather than SWI every night. It had never happened to us either and I felt really upset that it was more about me / my body rather than the situation. Of course DH swore black and blue that it was just the circumstances etc etc and we gave it a break for the rest of the week and at the end of the week had SFF and low n behold I'm now pregnant (very very early days!).

So while I do understand my advice would be to chill out, be aware of your cycle but try not to put pressure on either yourself or your man, try to SWI a few times over your fertile week but dont force the issue or make it all about baby making, statistically you might be in for a much longer wait than three months so you will go mad if you do OPK's etc just yet. I thought if we were not pregnant after 6 cycles that I'd look at temping or OPK's.

At the end of the day there is absolutely no point in falling pregnant if it puts your relationship in danger, being pregnant / having a baby is freaking hard work and you really really want to have your partner there supporting you (if possible, understand life not always that peachy) and being able to enjoy the process together.

Good luck!

My DH has the same problem with not being able to climax - he never has been able to, not with me and not with any previous partners! The only time it really causes issues is when we are TTC, and we get round it by him giving himself a little help and then finishing inside me at the last minute!

I hope things work out for you, but three months isn't long. One of my friends has been trying for two years and hasn't had even so much a sniff of ovulation, let alone a BFP. Good luck, try to relax and not put so much pressure on yourselves!

Did it finally work for you?
I am dealing with the same problem 😑

@Tryingtobeamom after 9 years I doubt the op is still on here and if they are I doubt they will be notified of the thread response. Start a new thread and you will get a response rather than digging up a zombie thread where people will try and advise the op