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Original poster

HELP ME MY CHRISTMAS IS A MESS

50 replies

abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:10

DH has a long history of being verbally abusive. Commonly calls me tit face, fat girl (I am a size 12 and not short). My new years resolution is to divorce him. My 4 year old is copying him and calling me names and they have no respect for me. Not surprising really. My Grandad is very ill so we are all going to spend Christmas with him. First time in 6 years we have been allowed to see my family at Christmas normally have to spend it with his family. DH says he is going to be grumpy for the next 3 days and ruin it. He will I am so tempted to put kids in the car and drive away without him but know coming back will cause a huge row. Just wanted to off load sat here in tears

OP posts:
scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:13

Oh sweetie. You are being so brave, I really don't know what to say. I am sending you a whopping hug though. It must feel so bad now but you are making the biggest step, you should be so proud of this. Why not just tell him you are going and tell him to meet you there when he's stopped being such a tit. This leaves it open and won't give him the opportunity to row with you. He can go if he wants.

Original poster
abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:18

Thank you. I said look don't come and his response was don't take the kids then. How can I leave them hence the middle of night run

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scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:20

Wait until tomorrow morning. The night always makes everything look scary and different, it's odd. Just tell him tomorrow that you are going to take the children to your mums and he can meet you all there when he feels up to it. There's no pressure on him then. Get him to call you or you phone him. Keep in touch so you are not worrying.

Don't leave your children.

sunnygirl1412 · 23/12/2008 23:24

I wish that I could do more than just offer a big hug. I'll keep you in my thoughts during the next few days and hope that things work out for you.

Love
sunnygirl.

leoleomakingalist · 23/12/2008 23:28

I had counselling when my dp was verbally abusive and she gave me a technique which did work.
When he speaks to you like that repeat like a broken record 'don't speak to me like that' and keep doing it. Refuse to answer the question or continue the conversation and walk away.
When breaking behaviour like this it may escalate before getting better.
Try it till you break free.
As for Christmas just try really hard to block him out mentally.

I live with a bully I know how you feel and how hard it is.

Original poster
abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:30

I did that the other day and he hit me

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scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:33

That's assault. Did you not call the police?

Dropdeadfred · 23/12/2008 23:33

why didn't you call the police when he hit you?

could you drive to your parenst house (either with or without him) then whilst there tell him you and the kids are not coming home unless he moves out? tell him you wll report him to the police if he causes any trouble. could your parents help you at at all?

leoleomakingalist · 23/12/2008 23:33

What!
My dp is violent but never in response to that.
Go without him and deal with the argument after - would he be violent when you get back?
When you are divorcing him what is the plan? Will you leave the home or him?

leoleomakingalist · 23/12/2008 23:34

I think dropdeadfred has the right idea

leoleomakingalist · 23/12/2008 23:35

When I say my dp is violent it isn't often although no excuse but normally in a argument.

scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:37

There's no excuse for anyone to be violent to their partner. Have you contacted Womens Aid for some advice? Both of you that is, abigproblem and leoleo.

jellysmum · 23/12/2008 23:37

Take the kids, report the hit to police or a shelter and don't go back. The hit may or may not be a major deal to you but it is your way out and could help financially with later divorce issues and when he inevitably will threaten you with regard to custody and money. Seek advice without letting him know and sooner rather than later. You don't want to wreck your relationship with your babies x Good luck and be strong!

Original poster
abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:39

The other day he came home and I said it was risotto for tea he normally eats it and likes it but decided he didn't want it so called me names and when I said don't talk to me like that and walked away he hit me. I didn't call the police because he said he would accuse me of ... and I would loose the children. He won't leave the house he says it is his. To be fair he earns more than me and did contribute more money to the house. I havae said I will walk away with nothing except the children but he wants it all. I am seeinga solicitor in the new year. I think he knows he is loosing control

OP posts:
Original poster
abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:40

I spoke to womens aid they offered me aplace in a refuge I am too much of a coward to do that

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scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:43

No, he assaulted you. It's domestic violence and should never be tolerated. You won't loose your children over this if you report it. You can get a restraining order if you report it and it will keep him away from your house. You and the children have the right to stay there. It doesn't matter how much he earns, the courts tend to leave the children with their mother as she is the parent who provides the most care for the children.

You really do need to talk to womens aid.

scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:44

You are not a coward. You are one of the bravest women I have met on here. Is he at home now?

solidgoldstuffingballs · 23/12/2008 23:46

Abusive men very frequently threaten their partners that they will be penniless and lose custody of their children if they leave. It's bullshit. Violent men can be removed from the family home and barred from returning: domestic violence is now taken very seriously and people will believe you.

Original poster
abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:47

Thank you for being so kind and taking the time to talk to me. He is fast asleep

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kid · 23/12/2008 23:48

Of course he will say you will lose the children, thats him trying to control you. He must know you would not want to lose the children so is using that as a hold over you.
He certainly wouldn't get custody of the children if he hits you!
It sounds like you have a plan for the new year, you need to be strong for yourself and your children. Take one step at a time, don't plan too far ahead and just deal with things as and when they happen.

Good luck and I hope you manage to enjoy Christmas.

Original poster
abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:49

He claims he will accuse me of violence he is very crafty, and very clever and manipulative. I wish he would just leave and never return. He has a very high powered responsible job and I am scared they will believe him. I dream of a little house just me and the kids

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cherryontopofthexmastree · 23/12/2008 23:49

DO NOT STAND FOR THIS, IT IS ABUSE TOWARDS YOU AND TOWARDS YOUR CHILDREN!!! seriously, you cant allow him to get away with hitting you! take the kids and leave. dont tell him, just do it, get a restraining order immediately and ignore any threats from him. you are a good mother and he is the asshole in this. i have been there, i kicked my exp out on 1st dec last year because he hit me when i had our 21month old daughter on my lap. if you allow him to get away with this, it will carry on and get worse and either he will end up killing you, or you will snap and kill him, either way you wont have your kids. if you leave, you get to keep the kids as no court in the land will allow a violent man custody of children.

scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:51

It's OK.

How has he been towards you tonight? Has he hit you?

Original poster
abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:53

no just swore at me a lot

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scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:54

do you want to go now?

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