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Christmas

From present ideas to party food, find all your Christmas inspiration here.

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Original poster

HELP ME MY CHRISTMAS IS A MESS

50 replies

abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:10

DH has a long history of being verbally abusive. Commonly calls me tit face, fat girl (I am a size 12 and not short). My new years resolution is to divorce him. My 4 year old is copying him and calling me names and they have no respect for me. Not surprising really. My Grandad is very ill so we are all going to spend Christmas with him. First time in 6 years we have been allowed to see my family at Christmas normally have to spend it with his family. DH says he is going to be grumpy for the next 3 days and ruin it. He will I am so tempted to put kids in the car and drive away without him but know coming back will cause a huge row. Just wanted to off load sat here in tears

OP posts:

lou33 · 23/12/2008 23:54

solidgold makes a lot of sense, men like that always say similar things, and it is all crap, but the wife believes it because she has been convinced he holds all the cards

that's what he wants you to think

its bollocks

Original poster

abigproblem · 23/12/2008 23:55

Yes but scared he will wake up as I try to leave

OP posts:

lou33 · 23/12/2008 23:57

can you leave tomorrow, on the pretence of going out with the kids?

pack some things in the car tonight?

scrooged · 23/12/2008 23:59

Is he around tomorrow?

Original poster

abigproblem · 24/12/2008 00:02

We are meant to be leaving at 9am tomorrow as it is a long drive delayed it as my nephew has been ill. He will no doubt mess around and make us late leaving as his way of controlling things. Normally we have to sit around and wait for him to have a lie in and read the paper etc. If I try and leave in the morning he won't let me

OP posts:

ninedragons · 24/12/2008 00:02

You would not lose your children.

If anything, calling the police when you're assaulted would strengthen, rather than weaken any future custody case. No court is going to place children in the care of a violent person.

I think Dropdeadfred's suggestion is excellent.

Have you got any money squirrelled away? Overpack when you go to your parents' house for Christmas and leave a bag of clothes for you and the children there if you return home. I'd be tempted to put your and the kids' passports into the bag.

scrooged · 24/12/2008 00:05

Is there a family member you can call to come and collect you instead earlier then you are planning on leaving?

I would stay at your parents and do everything from there. You do need to report the assault to the police so you have the evidence if he tries something legal. You have the option of calling the police, they will arrest him as it is assault, leaving you some time to get away. Make sure you seek legal advice about the house. The police can help with the restraining order to keep him away from you.

solidgoldstuffingballs · 24/12/2008 00:08

It might be a good idea to pack essentials while he's asleep (money, passports/id, anything of great sentimental value) and put it in the car. Then if he has a lie-in, put the DC in the car, leave him a note and go. The reason I suggest taking things you value with you is that men like this sometimes smash up the house once you have gone - even if you are allegedly only going temporarily. If the issue was just the passive-agressive-type behaviour of dawdling and making you late on purpose I would advise telling him you're going with or without him, but aggressive men often become more aggressive when challenged and there is no point in putting yourself at risk if you can go while he's asleep.

ninedragons · 24/12/2008 00:10

I have a friend who used to work at a women's refuge and she said a lot of escapes happened when the women saw a window of opportunity and grabbed it. They'd turn up saying they'd been to Sainsbury's with the children and had just made a run for it.

Make sure you always have as much cash as you can get your hands on in your pocket and a full tank of petrol. If you have very young DCs, keep their special teddies, birth certificates etc in your handbag so you're ready to go in an instant.

Original poster

abigproblem · 24/12/2008 00:11

Thank you I just have to keep thinking by next Christmas I won't have to live like this. I am so stupid I left him 2 and a half years ago for a week but went back after we talked a lot

OP posts:

scrooged · 24/12/2008 00:12

Is there something you need to pop to the shop for just before you go? Can you drive the car?

You'll be safe at your parents. You don't have to go home until the right things are in place to protect you.

scrooged · 24/12/2008 00:14

You're not stupid. You did what hundreds of women have done and tried to sort things out. There's nothing stupid about this. It's very brave.

Original poster

abigproblem · 24/12/2008 00:16

I can try yes I can drive and normally do all the driving whilst he criticise me

OP posts:

Original poster

abigproblem · 24/12/2008 00:17

Thank you for all the advise right of to pack afew extra bits and sleep so I can try and escape in the morning will post again when I can. Happy CHristmas and a huge thank you

OP posts:

SparklyGothKat · 24/12/2008 00:18

how deep does he sleep? i know I could get out of my house with the kids without waking DH if needed as he sleeps very deeply (he has never been violent to me BTW, just stating a fact) If he is a deep sleeper I would pack the car now, get the kids in carseats and just go..

scrooged · 24/12/2008 00:24

See this as the first bit of the rest of your life.

Sort out what you need now whilst he's asleep and get up early to sort the children out. Whilst he's getting dressed 'suddenly remember' something you need to get. Make sure the children are hyper (screaming etc) and say you'll take them with you so he can dress in peace. If it doesn't work then you have the option of calling the police and reporting the assault. This will give you time to go. You can go with him and refuse to leave your parents after christmas. This will be difficult for everyone but with either one, your family will support you, back you up and witness any problems.

I really do wish you well. Stay strong, you can do this, your children need you to do this. He may shout and threaten but this is through the fear of knowing he's lost control. It's not because of you.

Take care of yourself and your children.

ninedragons · 24/12/2008 00:30

Hooray for you!

Don't forget photos, jewellery and bank statements so you can freeze accounts. And charge your phone. Make sure there are lots of snacks and drinks for the DCs in the car so you don't have to stop once you're on your way.

Happy Christmas. What better present could you give yourself than a life free of abuse and fear?

ItsMyPartyILLInviteWhoIWant2 · 24/12/2008 00:41

Take passports, and any documentation relating to joint assets-mortgage, pensions etc

You should also clear your browing history by going to
Tools
Internet Options
Clear History
Clear Temp Internet Files

Good Luck

TLESinChristmasStockings · 24/12/2008 00:47

abigproblem

get the things which are needed now everything else can be replaced. And get the hell out of there now. Quietly get the kids after putting your bag outside. Get them in the car and go...have 999 ready to press on your phone incase he wakes and starts.

I had to do this with ds1's father and in the end it was him the police removed....8 years on I am in a happy and settled relationship finally having learnt to trust to an extent.

Please don't let your children see what my ds1 saw at 22m old. he still remembers now and that is heartbreaking considering he is now 10.

ninedragons · 24/12/2008 00:47

Yes, good point about clearing internet history.

Don't forget any medicines you and the kids take.

dsrplus8 · 24/12/2008 00:49

hiya , take a note of his national insurance number if you can, makes it easier to get maintenance payments for kiddies.also get a spare set of keys cut if you have to go back (with police/friends)to collect your important stuff ect.wish you luck and hope you have a good xmas and a fab stress free new year(and new life) x

TLESinChristmasStockings · 24/12/2008 00:51

if it is a laptop take it with you and leave him without it (sorry thats the nasty bit in me)

clothes
underwear
comfort blanket (if they have one)
bottles?
a toy each they will do for now
mobile phone
keys to house
medicines
MONEY
or
BANK CARD

hornswoggle · 24/12/2008 00:57

I left my xh at christmas 7 years ago

best thing I ever did for DS and me

It wasn't easy but every christmas since (in fact every time I lock the door at night) I thank god I did it, as I know we are both happy and safe now

you will find the strength to make it all work out

best of luck and take care

Dropdeadfred · 24/12/2008 08:58

Good Lu...and if you don't manage to do it now..come back for more help and support. noone will judge you if you can't do it just now. DO tell your parents the score though if you can.

bevlongy · 24/12/2008 13:55

good luck. I have no experience of what you are going through, except helping my friend escape a bullying (not physcially violent) husband a couple of years ago just before Christmas.
Everything he told her that she couldn't do, (eg you can't leave, where will you live?, you won't have the guts, How will you get the kids to school? etc etc) she did to him & ended up being the one with the upper hand for the 1st time ever.
She is now very happy with new DH & new 8mo DS. So you can do it. There is lots of help & support out there..Practical help from refuges etc, & I can't imagine your family would let you down either, especially if they have an awareness of what you have had to put up with all this time. Also lots of friends on here, some who really can help you, having has 1st hand experience themselves.

Take Care, stay safe & try & have a great Christmas.. as someone already said - look at this as the new beginning that you & your DCs really deserve x x

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