Anyone else tussling with family/inlaws over who's hosting Christmas?

[Flyonthewindscreen]

My DH and I have been together 11 years and have spent every xmas at his parents. As until last year we lived in rabbit hutch sized flats/houses we didn't feel able to offer to have xmas day at ours. Last year was the first time we had a decent sized house and offered but were turned down.

Have just offered again (after nagging DH for ages to bring up subject) and have been turned down again by MIL on grounds 1) its a lot of work when you have kids (our DC are 4 and 6)(but a lot of work for inlaws also we pointed out), 2) DH didn't have xmas at home when he was our DC's age (not sure why that relevant) but more to the point 3) she likes doing xmas.

Another factor is my SIL who is devoted to family tradition and having everything, especially at xmas as it has always been - to the extent that she had never spent xmas with her DP of 13 years, they always go back to their own families... She would be beside herself if she had to come to us instead.

I know it is v generous of inlaws, sparing us the work/expense etc but am I being petty to wish to have some xmas's in our own home, doing things our way while our DC are still young?

Opinions welcomed!

Just because mil turns you down doesn't mean you can't have Christmas in your own home. Imo you have offered to host them, they have declined, you would like Christmas in your own home.

Sil and her relationship are another issue - that is her business tbh.

Do things your own way, at the first sniff of any "difficulties"/strops from your ils, keep saying calmly and politely that they are welcome to come to you.

You could also offer alternatives - perhaps you all go to mil's on Boxing Day. If you allow her to get her own way again this year, then it will be a battle every year.

goodness, what about your family? so you've never been able to spend xmas dinner with your parents?
I would have put my foot down ages ago
It is your time to have your own traditions, sod what dh did as a boy

Also rather than being "v generous" I would be more likely to describe your mil as "v manipulative" and keen to get her own way.

and your dh needs to be takng your side and telling her what's what

Thanks for your comments

onepiece - felt v liberating to hear you call MIL 'manipulative', you are right she is and thats how I felt, manipulated, after the "xmas conversation". They(this also applies to FIL) do so many 'nice' and 'generous' things for us, often unasked for, that I then feel bad when I don't want to go along with what they want.

Compo - Haven't spent xmas with my family what little there is of it since me and DH have been together for various reasons (mum died, not keen on stepmother, etc), we go to visit them just before xmas and this suits me and DH fine so that isn't the issue. Although if I had a more "normal" family background this whole xmas always at the inlaws business would never have happened to same extent as we would have spent some xmases with my family and the whole thing with inlaws would never have become so rigid.

DH would agree to making a stand about xmas at ours if I was totally insistent about it, but to be fair I just told him to make serious offer. Think maybe we both need more backbone ...

Kam sorry if I sounded harsh but I have experience with a similar sounding mil.

We have kind of "been there" ourselves with ils' expectations. Most years there is some kind of sulking, but unless we follow their wishes 100% then mil gets "distressed" to some extent. This year I am working, which is a mixed blessing tbh.

I too need help with Christmas Day. I've always seen my family on Christmas Day. DH does not get along with his. My parents come over for approx 3 hours on the day (incl lunch). DH would prefer us to be on our own. DH 'struggles' with my father who tends to bore the socks off him. Part of me wants to suggest to them that we would like the day on our own, but another part of me thinks that they enjoy it, the DC's enjoy it, I would enjoy it more if DH didn't have his moody face on (he can't disguise it). I'm scared that as dad is 80 he may not have many more Christmasses left. I'd hate for me to cancel arrangements if it turned out to be his last one. What do I do?

Disco how about a compromise, such as seeing your parents mid morning (for example) or at teatime. Would your dh find that less boring/intrusive? Or could you spend longer with your parents say on Boxing Day. If your parents are fairly local perhaps your dh could spend less time with your parents, e.g. drop you off there and then pick you up and stay for a coffee when he picks you up?

Funny thing is we spend ALL afternoon with his brother and SIL. Do I complain? Not a jot. Teatime not an option, dad likes a drink (they live 30 mins drive away). They tend to arrive at around 11.30 and leave approx 5 mins after lunch is done. They don't hang around. I don't enjoy Xmas as much as I used to

Sounds like it is time to have Xmas Day at yours and Boxing Day at the ILs. This is traditional for lots of people, I think? My DH is like OP's SIL, more's the pity, so we still have some wrangling to go

Yes we are stressing too. This year(after 13 years) I have put my foot down and refused to transport all 5 of my children 70 miles away to my in-laws for a polish christmas eve. It is expected that we go every year- last year we didnt as dh, ds1 and ds2 all had flu and there was hell to pay. Right now I am about as popular as threadworm but I am standing my ground. I have offered to have them all here but my MIL wont leave the house on Christmas eve. So I am following her example. IMO I think it is time you stood your ground as well, maybe we should form a support group for those of us trying to form our own family traditions.

hurryup we had a similar reaction from mil when dh and dd1 were very poorly with real flu on Boxing Day (and for about a week after)

Her response? - slamming the phone down in temper. The phone then rang again promptly - surely an apology? No, fil ringing to shout at dh for "upsetting his mother"

I was confined to the house for several days. dh too ill to look after the dcs. dd2 was only a tiny baby. Of course they didn't offer any support, and were rather frosty for months.

Well done hurryup... I think I would also be the threadworm-in-law if I had insisted on xmas at ours. Have come to conclusion that will have to give up for this year to avoid WWIII but have now got plan to start organising xmas at ours next year from August onwards. MIL+FIL do everything at last minute so possibility of fait accompli? "So sorry MIL but have already ordered the turkey...! It might work

onepiece - I thought it was only me whose in laws behaved like that, what did you do the following year?
Today my mil has told me that all they ask for is me to show them some respect by us spending 2 days a year in their house. She does not seem to understand that the problem is with the fact that the days they want are the 24/25th December, each and every year!!

kam - be warned we start negotiations in August every year and it is still ww11.

hurryup, well, I will update you on the 27th December this year as the events that I described only happened last Christmas (2007)

I can't work out when it is best to start negotiation. Any earlier than 20th Dec and ils are a bit and that we are broaching the subject so early. My parents on the other hand start panicking at the beginning of September...

Ils threatened (after their tantrums last year) to go away Christmas this year. I am trying to persuade dh that we don't mention Christmas at all. Then when they bring it up, we say oh so innocently "gosh, we have made plans as you were so looking forward to going away over Christmas"

Do what we do.Just have cheistmas day for your own family. See yours andDH's parents ion the days around Christmas.

your MIL said that DH never spent christmas at home when he was a child. I would turn this around on her and say that you dont want the same for your children. You want them to have christmas at home. She cant argue with that.

Surely the priority here is your kids and building happy memories for them for family christmases with you where the priority is you and them and not the extended family? You and they will never get the chance again and the years are ticking by. Do you really want to look back and have zero memories of christmases that you have created for them?

The only time we ever had just dh, me and dd for Christmas day was when we went on a Christmas skiing hol one year (it was great).

This year, we have moved from a large detached house to a small (2 bedrooms) flat, so cannot have mil for the usual 10 days of ~Christmas (she will not come for any less, as says it is not worth it).

So this year mil is going to bil's, the cheshire gang are having xmas lunch at a hotel. Cheshirekitty will be purring all day in her basket, meow, meow. Just to give you an idea of time frame, dd is now 19.

You have my sympathies Op and others. Dh and I spent ten years alternating each others families, always wishing for excuse to have our own xmas. Finally DS was born 3 and half years ago and we sad from this day on xmas day is at our house. We invite both families every year. Mine refuse to come, they'd rather spend it with odd strangers they've collected who aren't family and basically prefer their own xmas in their own house. Suits me fine as I@m sure even if they did come I wouldn't be "doing it right" so stuff 'em! Inlaws come every year and are kind and thoughtful if irritating and elderly! They'd rather see us than not on the day and so make the effort to drive for an hour and a half.

If you can maybe this is the year to start staying at home, Use the kids as an excuse and say they really want to be at home etc, or that others have invited you for drinks or something.

I was like your DH/P and thought xmas at my parents was the best poss xmas in the world. Then I grew up and after the first year when I felt I'd done it all wrong I relaxed and relly enjoyed taking it much easier and doing it our way - creating our own family traditions and crucially for me, a much, much more relaxed xmas where there are no "rules".

Good luck.

Oh, we are having so many problems with this. My DP and I both have single mothers, my sister and her DP are due to be at his parents' place, none of me, sis or either of our DPs drive, so wherever we go, we are basically stuck there from 24-27th. DP and I are considering just staying put at home this year, although I'll feel so guilty about my poor mum being on her own (I have invited her to ours, but she doesn't want to come).

Everyone comes to us every year (well, parents every year - siblings occassionally) which keeps my kids happy. It works well - they all contribute to food bill & help wash up etc etc.

I know just haow you feel! I'm stuck in the middle of my own family, no il's to consider (dh's family are abroad). We spend every year at my mums, with my brother who lives at home and sister and girls. DH gets on with bro so all are happy usually. This yr, my sis wants to do it at hers as my niece is working over lunch nearby. Bro wants to stay at home, where he and dh can smoke and I don't care where we are so long as we're all togehter

crushagrape..why feel guilty, after all you invited your mum?

You have my sympathy.
Not sure if you should go to your mil or not.
No, do what you want to do, it is your life and your kids.
Good luck!