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Christmas

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Original poster

Anyone else tussling with family/inlaws over who's hosting Christmas?

50 replies

Flyonthewindscreen · 19/11/2008 20:09

My DH and I have been together 11 years and have spent every xmas at his parents. As until last year we lived in rabbit hutch sized flats/houses we didn't feel able to offer to have xmas day at ours. Last year was the first time we had a decent sized house and offered but were turned down.

Have just offered again (after nagging DH for ages to bring up subject) and have been turned down again by MIL on grounds 1) its a lot of work when you have kids (our DC are 4 and 6)(but a lot of work for inlaws also we pointed out), 2) DH didn't have xmas at home when he was our DC's age (not sure why that relevant) but more to the point 3) she likes doing xmas.

Another factor is my SIL who is devoted to family tradition and having everything, especially at xmas as it has always been - to the extent that she had never spent xmas with her DP of 13 years, they always go back to their own families... She would be beside herself if she had to come to us instead.

I know it is v generous of inlaws, sparing us the work/expense etc but am I being petty to wish to have some xmas's in our own home, doing things our way while our DC are still young?

Opinions welcomed!

OP posts:

hurryup · 22/11/2008 06:48

I think my biggest bone of contention is that my dh seem more concerned with keeping his parents and sister happy than thinking logically about what is best for our family and our children.

Yesterday my mil said that when they no longer do christmas eve we will be expected to go to my bil - so the stress will continue.

I am beginning to think that this year our christmas negotiations are more about righting family dynamics and my ils learning that I have opinions and traditions which are equally as important, than where we are going on Dec 24th

nooka · 22/11/2008 07:07

We have moved to a three year rotation, one at each parent, and one for us. My big sister would love to have my parents at hers for Christmas (they have had Christmas at their home ever since my sister became a vicar), but my parent insist that the time has not yet come for them to stop being the hosts, despite the fact that they were hosting their parents way earlier. I generally prefer to have lots of people around at Christmas, so I'm happy to visit, even though my parents traditions are a little rigid, and staying with dh's sister means a very smoky few days.

bumbling · 22/11/2008 08:17

Interesting isn't it that we all want xmas at home and so do they! Whatever the short term outcomes I think we all need to remember that when the DC's are gorwn up we have to make the effort to go to theirs for xmas when asked. We'll clearly all be loved for it... or do we need to hold out at home for a couple of years so they realise enough to be grateful when we go to theirs!

Nooka mine sound very like yours, they're just not ready to give up being the hosts despite the fact that at my age, they'd been hosting xmas for grandparents for at least 8 years. Think it's a big part of their identity and my mother doesn't know how not to be the matriach, hence correcting/bossing me, Dh, my son etc etc. Hence we don't want to go there for Xmas because it's so stressful and unrelaxing. So many lessons here!

hurryup · 22/11/2008 08:58

Could we just cancel it??

Seriously though, bumbling has an excellent point. I think the problem comes when peoples desire to maintain their identities takes over and this becomes more important to them than other peoples feelings.

Matriach is a fantastic word - I shall use it in the next round!!!

hurryup · 22/11/2008 08:59

Nooka - why dont you have a 4 year rotation so that your sister can have a turn?

givethedogabone · 22/11/2008 09:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

nooka · 22/11/2008 17:07

My sister doesn't get to host because my parents refuse to resign from their role as hosts. As there are four of us they still get plenty of visitors each year, even though we (my siblings and I) have tried to make it so they would be on their own to try and persuade them to go to my sisters instead it has never quite worked. I think it is partly my parents resisting getting old, and partly a reluctance to have to do things differently by staying with any of us. It's also that my parents house(s) are considerably larger than any of ours so it is much easier to fit extra families in comfort, and they think that it will be stressful to be squeezy.

My FIL and partner also refuse to go anywhere at Christmas, but this is because my FIL is convinced his children (if together) will attack him in some way. We are attempting to persuade him this year, as we now live abroad, and we are not sure we will be able to see him if he doesn't join us (at SILs) for Christmas.

Families hey!

missmapp · 22/11/2008 17:12

Poor you! We have finally agreed a 3 year rotation , one year at inlaws, one year my parents and year 3 ( this year hurrah!) at home. We had problems with mil as her other children all live locally so she sees them all the time and doesnt understand that packing christmas in a car with 2 young children and spending xmas eve on the m4 can be a tad stressful, but she agreed to this and seems ok. Must admit it took DH to explain, think you do need him on side.
Good luck

Dropdeadfred · 22/11/2008 17:31

Nooka...why don't you just tell them that you will be going to your sisters next time...if they don't eant to come that's up to them. have you also reminded them that they hosted your grandparents years before?

nooka · 22/11/2008 17:35

Oh yes! But its not really my fight. I am very happy to send Christmas with my parents, and as we spend two other Christmas' away from them I think they would be very hurt if we said we would send another one away. That sounds a bit unsupportive doesn't it! I could temper that with the fact that if my sister had my family they really couldn't fit in my parents too.

Dropdeadfred · 23/11/2008 10:47

I feel really sorry for your sister...I'd want my sister to support me maybe just once out of every four years!!!

themildmanneredjanitor · 23/11/2008 10:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

nooka · 23/11/2008 18:01

Sounds sad mmj. It is nice to feel some element of choice, and to feel welcome.

Fred, I guess my sister has always said she wants to have my parents, so that's what has been the focus, trying to persuade them that not being the host would be OK, indeed enjoyable. I've not really thought about staying with her at Christmas myself. Perhaps you are right that should be the next thing to think about.

However given the huge cost of flying back to the UK for Christmas I'm not sure we will be doing it every year now.

twinsetandpearls · 23/11/2008 18:04

I really wanted Christmas at mine, just moved into a new house which we love and dp also works intil christmas eve. Mum organised christmas at hers. Rather than go when I don;t want to I am having christmas at home just us.

Dropdeadfred · 23/11/2008 19:10

did you invite your mum twinset?

twinsetandpearls · 23/11/2008 19:12

Yes invited whole family which is when I found out that mum had already invited everyone else and assumed we would be going there.

mrsmaidamess · 23/11/2008 19:17

I invited my parents yesterday. (they have never spent Xmas with us, as my brother always 'nabs' them earlier in the year)

they said they were going to his again (with much eye rolling from my dad)

I protested (very politely) that as we hardly ever saw them (and my brother is round there every 5 minutes with some 'emergency or another) it would be nice if they came to us....my Mum agreed! And is going to broach the subject with my bolshy brother.

I wonder what he will say??

Dropdeadfred · 23/11/2008 19:19

why do they go there all the time?

mrsmaidamess · 23/11/2008 19:26

Good question drop.

I don't know. I don't know why my brother hasn't got the courtesy to say to me (and my older brother) 'Are you having Mum and dad this year' rather than just pushing in!

And more fool my folks for always saying yes.

But the ball is in their court now (there is a long running history in my family of my brother taking extreme liberties with everyones good nature). We shall see!

mrsmaidamess · 23/11/2008 19:27

sorry, drop just realsied you were probably asking twin the question, not me!

Dropdeadfred · 23/11/2008 19:30

No MrsMaid... I was asking you. don't worry. I did think it strange that your parens would automatically go to your bro's every year

mrsmaidamess · 23/11/2008 19:33

Yes it is strange. Its like they assume they would never be asked by anyone else so they say yes automatically. If my brother was an only child I could understand it.

My Mum also has a strange fellow from her childhood that she has kept in touch with, an old family wierdo friend.

He appears every Christmas and my Mum feels responsible for him, he has no family. So my brother has him over too. can you see his halo shining from there?

cherryontopofthexmastree · 23/11/2008 21:39

i have my gran coming up from cornwall to spend christmas with us this year. it will be lovely as
a) she will help with the cooking
b) i havnt spent a christmas with her since i was 6 mths pg with my eldest and even then i went to her
c) at 78 years old i dont know how many xmas's she has left
d) it will make a change for her from going to my aunties every year and sitting with 3 adults,
e) she will love watching my kids open their presents

Cloudhopper · 23/11/2008 21:50

It does sound like time to take a stand. Your dh is prepared to do so, you would like to. I think there are two options:

Declare that you want to see what a Christmas at home is like, just as a one off. You will never know what you are missing until you have tried it. If they don't want to come to you, then that is fine (better, even), but don't feel bad. Just see them after Xmas.
Pretend that you are going to your family for once, no matter how horrendous. Say there has been a reconciliation and that you feel obliged to spend just one Christmas there (in the last 10 years). Then enact a 'row' close to the day (Xmas eve) and spend it at home by yourselves.

I know it sounds devious, but sometimes with manipulative people you have to do the same back, or you never get to do what you want.

Original poster

Flyonthewindscreen · 24/11/2008 13:34

Had another 'xmas' chat last night with DH. Was surprised to find that he feels almost as strongly as me about wanting to have some xmases in our own home while the DCs are young. Have decided that we will have a last xmas at the ILs this year but next year will be at ours and we will let them know early on that this is what will be happening rather then 'offering' to host.

In meantime standing firm against other IL innovation of recent years where we have to attend "2nd xmas" (minus presents but with huge meal and everyone staying over at Ils) on new years day for SIL and her DPs benefits (as they won't spend xmas together). Or may do what I did last year where we turned up for lunch only, no tea/sleepover but were too hungover to eat any of MIL's astounding spread

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