Neurodivergent household - Christmas tips

[Jane19855]

Would love to know other people’s adjustments and traditions that are ND friendly. Or from anyone who likes to turn down the chaos & overwhelm of Christmas!

Ours:

• No snaps in crackers (we use a make your own kit, £2.99 last year! And just put in choc coins!)
• No elf (too chaotic & unpredictable & surveillance concept is terrifying) We are doing the little advent fairy this year. It’s calm and all about kindness & gentle magic
• One room remains Xmas decoration free
• Static lights only
• We always have a ‘secret’ present stashed away for emergency moments of overwhelm towards the end of the day. You can go off and have a quiet moment away from everyone and enjoy a little present. We’ve only had to reach for it once in 7 years (the rest have been saved for bdays!)

Then there’s obviously the adaptations we do on a daily basis anyway, would love to know Christmas specific tips!

• A calendar showing all Christmas things in advance even things like when decorations will be going up. School do a calendar too.
• Limiting Christmas activities until after the school break up so the build up isn't too wild
• Keeping a list of what is wrapped where so I remember what I've bought (diagnosed AuDHD, I will lose gifts)
• Offering a wider choice for Christmas dinner (it doesn't have to be a roast of people struggle with that!)
• We don't visit all family on Christmas Day or have lots of visitors to our house. We try and keep it as low stress as possible.

I hadn't really thought about this before, both DH and D's are AUDHD , but it doesn't affect their eating and Christmas dinner is served on the table help yourself to what you like anyway, I do have to stop ds eating his own bodyweight in pigs in blankets before anyone else has had any, so I guess I do loads to make sure everyone has plenty.

He LOVES Christmas decorations and twinkly lights and themed activities. We do a crib service on Christmas Eve, panto most years in the run up, carol service, I do love the quieter Christmases with only 5/6 guests where we might have time to get out for a beach walk, that seems to be good for everyone, but there's no meltdown if it doesn't happen. DS loves a house full on Christmas day and visiting relatives and staying over with PIL between Christmas and New year.

I think it's the constant relentless churn of the school routine that does for DS the most so just being off school he's lighter. I think he also likes the routine of traditions, so we always go and see elf in December and get hot chocolate from a nice cafe to take in, we always do stockings on our bed when we first wake up with Christmas music playing, we always do meal out for lunch Christmas eve, crib service then snacky/buffet dinner or baked camembert and stuff to dip for Christmas eve dinner, then night before Christmas before bed.

I just thought most people had a kind of routine for Christmas but maybe it's just me gradually making accommodations and making things predictable

Love the idea of writing down what is wrapped! I would have to do it as I was doing the actual wrapping. I’ve actually had to unwrap a present that I had just finished as couldn’t remember what it was!

Agreeing with the kids in advance which gifts they’ve asked for that they’re are getting.

Limiting the number of gifts.

I know someone who has Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve just to lessen the stress

We dont force the kids to open their presents in front of an audience. We have a picky dinner with their faves. Tree comes down before new year (as it is a new year and christmas is over apparently).
We dont stress over getting dressed up so kids can relax in pjs or new clothes. We see grandparents on xmas eve and boxing day. We dont have visitors. (We used to and it was awful as it was forced pressure). We place kids presents on seperate sofas and they have different wrapping paper (to avoid "hes/shes got mine").

Yes- not opening presents in front of an audience is such an important one!!

Love hearing about everyone’s different Christmases, when I see others having huge family gatherings, it’s felt like we’re the only families not doing such things sometimes!

We limit Christmas activities on the run up to Christmas so only 1 santa visit, he is up at 6am back to bed about 7.30am with me tidying up the sitting room, then dinner about 2. Christmas takes everything out of him so he's relaxing in his bed about 5pm. We also only have me husband Gran and him.

The trouble is he loves Christmas but it's gets overwhelming for him.

You can make xmas whatever you want - its managing other people's expectations of a wild time that's the challenge.

I'm ND and our Christmas day looks like this:

Open presents
Quick 'merry xmas' message to friends and family via social media then phone on silent for the day.
Relax in PJs.
Cook and eat simple xmas style roast dinner all cooked within 40 minutes in the oven.
More relaxing with new crafts, books, film, Youtube and snacks.

No visitors.

Everybody happy and peaceful.

For us (two kids with ASD)

• We still make a traditional Christmas dinner for myself and DH but our kids have their own version of a Christmas dinner (basically what they will eat and some festive party foods)
• Just our family on Christmas Day and we stay at home. Relative visits are split across Christmas Eve and Boxing Day in the morning
• A smaller number of gifts but things they really want rather than lots of filler gifts
• Getting outside on Christmas Day for an hour to split the day up
• “Chill time” factored into the day where they can go up to their bedrooms and relax
• Spend the first half of the day in comfy pjs
• A really decent breakfast! They get hangry otherwise 😂

Honestly, Christmas has been a trial and error learning exercise the last 5 or so years. It also doesn’t help that myself and DH both work in retail management so we won’t even know our shifts until closer to the day, and we work right up and around Christmas. But the main takeaway I have found is to simplify everything and have no expectations. As soon as you take expectations away, everything becomes easier.

Also, for us, getting food prep done on Christmas Eve (eg we stuff the turkey on Christmas Eve, but put it in the oven on Christmas morning). Anything that means there’s less “to do” on Christmas morning, the better.

I actually thought about that this year (and just have left overs on Christmas Day), but sadly it wouldn’t work for us as DH usually works Christmas Eve morning and I have no idea what crappy shift I’ll end up with.

If we were both off on the 23rd, 24th and 25th I absolutely would do that.

My 5yo DS (ASD & probably ADHD) is struggling with Christmas this year. He is saying he doesn’t want any presents. His birthday is in January so he has a long birthday list but wants nothing for Christmas. I’ve suggested writing a Christmas list and agreeing he only gets what’s on his list only. I’ve offered to keep everything unwrapped he’s said no to both. His issue is he is afraid of surprises. I also think it’s that Christmas Day is ‘a lot’ sensory wise.

I said your brother will get lots of presents though? He said he just will share them instead 🤔

so I’m reading this thread with interest while I try and figure out what’s best to do. I’m thinking whenever he says he wants something I’m going to say his birthday list is full now but we can add it to a Christmas list see if he will accept that in time

Oh, another one!

Anything that needs “set up” to be used, do this on Christmas Eve.

eg - anything that is electronic that needs set up, WiFi added etc, anything that needs built to be played with. Nothing worse than when a child is excited to play with something but they “can’t” and they don’t understand why.

We all wear pyjamas all day if we want to - nobody has to dress up in a fancy outfit.

I am extremely time blind/organisationally challenged, so I take some time a few days before Christmas to plan out exactly which dishes and appliances will be used for which part of Christmas dinner, and check we have enough plug sockets/counter space/things like which dishes fit together on one shelf in the oven. Then look up recipes and write down exact timings for everything, including stuff like "Take out parsnips and turn/baste" with transition time in between, and format this on a google doc with both actual times if I start at a certain time, and "T-minus" times in case something messes with this. There is often a guide for what things can be prepped the night or a couple of days before, as well. Dishwasher is run the night before and emptied well before cooking so the only things in it are breakfast bowls. Bins also emptied the night before so there are no road blocks.

This saves us from disasters like eating at 6pm, me from having a meltdown because everything is ready at the same time and I don't have enough hands, or half of it is undercooked while the other stuff is burnt, and it means if someone wants to help, I have a specific thing to point to a list and say do this. Before I did this, I used to get stressed out because when my brain is full of all the things I'm trying to do at once I simply do not have any capacity to delegate tasks as well, and people in the kitchen just end up getting shouted at.

I hate having a mixture of temperature foods on my plate when one thing has gone cold, so I warm up plates and serving dishes as well and always make sure there is plenty of gravy just in case, but I've also gone to the trouble before of researching which foods go cold most quickly (vegetables, mash/chips/boiled potatoes) and what stays warm longer (fatty things - sauces, meat, roast potatoes)

We also put chicken nuggets on the table. It's Christmas dinner so I would rather people enjoy it and get full up than everything have to fit some perfect picture book aesthetic.

Last year we did have SIL and BIL to stay which is the first time we've done anything like that, and while I managed fine with cooking Christmas dinner it did basically exhaust all of my meal planning capacity so on Boxing day I was just like "What do you mean? Everyone can eat leftovers." and then on the 27th I was staring blankly until someone else figured it out 😅 not the best hosting approach... TBF on normal days, we tend to have a bit of a fend for yourself approach to food, at least for 18yo DS, DH and I - we do cook food for the younger DC.

ND obviously covers a really wide range so these tips might not work for everyone but:

• we have more generous stockings with anything particularly longed for in the stocking, then fewer and more boring things under the tree. Less pressure when it comes to opening.
• no TV (obv this won't work for everyone but DS and I can both get overwhelmed when the TV is on and people are talking)
• set up a quite corner somewhere with a Christmassy jigsaw or lego set that anyone can sit down and spend time on
• everyone knows the plan for the day eg church at 10, walk at 11.30, presents at 2, or whatever.

We have a pattern for Christmas day that is the same every year. Same meals, same timings. Which family members come changes though.

We only open a few gifts at a time, then have a break. No activities (beyond dinner maybe) are obligatory and the dc can go up to their rooms whenever they like.

Food is a particular issue for db, I make him his own plain chicken in the slow cooker (as I run out of oven space with the two other mains to fit in).

I just accept that the "hosting" part of Christmas day is going to be a ball ache for me and dp in juggling everyone's needs. We have to be quite assertive at times about the dc's needs with family members and spell out that they are saying or doing something that's causing distress. The nice part of Christmas for me is after 6pm when everyone has buggered off home! Also, sometimes we secretly drink vodka in the kitchen at 11am to take the edge off.

Lots of down time in other quiet rooms with nobody getting upset about someone using it.

Low demand times.

Having choices about what you do (including the option to not go).

Cheerios / beans on toast / pizza / safe food for Christmas dinner or other meals.

Limiting visitors and the length of time they stay.

Lovely idea for a thread!

My elderly cousin is ND, and says the best Christmas gift she ever received was when I got her the Cath Kidston Christmas Organiser about 10 years ago.

Apparently she loves it as it has lots of different sections and just helps her feel a little bit more in control of all the Christmas chaos!

ebay.io/m/ZoZyW2

(She doesn't use a smart phone or a computer of any kind, so relies on hand written organisational tools entirely)

Not sure if the link above works? It's a ring binder type thing with lots of different sections. I have actually just decided to buy her the new version, in case she is running out of any pages .....

I am sure there are other Christmas organisers avaliable as well....

One thing for me is making sure there is space away from the chaos/people. So that people can dip in and out of the normal Christmas rush as they see fit/can manage it.

Ours is very lowkey. It used to be more stressful when my parents hosted but they have given that up now they are elderly. And my sister stopped speaking to me for unknown reasons a few years back and that excuses us from her family do which was really difficult to manage with 3 people with autism.

We get up, have a normal breakfast, DD comes over (this year with her new GF) and a ND friend comes as well. Do the presents. Lunch is whatever anyone wants to eat, never a large roast dinner. We might swim in the afternoon and then a quiet evening.

We didn’t do the elf either, but sometimes (and she knew fine well it was me..) the teddies would have a tea party in her bedroom with her kitchen things, or be all sat around with biggest red reading a Christmas story to them.

Always had bedtime story in bed, but for December, had a short Christmas book (we had a French book about the adventures the Mouse family had for the 24 days before Christmas…I’d read that day in French and English, and sometimes we’d re-read previous days too, and then a chapter of the current chapter book).

On Christmas Eve, dinner was “platter” - basically lots of nice cold stuff out on the table (maybe some M&S party food heated), a mix of seasonal treats for DH and I, and things we knew DD would eat. She could try anything and decide she didn’t like it but there was plenty she did like.

After dinner on 24th, we opened the Christmas Eve box. Most of the year, it held the Christmas books and dvds stored away, but in 24th, it held her toddler Santa plastic plate and glass, family copy of Twas the night before Xmas, her sticking, new PJs for everyone, a lush lavendar robot bath bomb and a nice one for me, and a nice shower gel for DH. She laid out the cookies (which we bake in the afternoon - from scratch if we have time but from a frozen half batch of dough (from an earlier Dec baking) if not), and milk, lay out the stocking and go for relaxing bath into new PJs. Back downstairs for proper hot chocolate and then up to bed for TTNBC and a chapter…a calm journey to bed and hopefully sleep. We were using this, or a slightly more grown up version, until very late teens as DD found the routine very helpful.

We also had issues with candles for a 26 Dec birthday and that being the point of overwhelm …so we often didn’t light them and just cut the cake.

We stayed at home many years. We got into the habit that, when we went to DPs/DPILs, we rented a house locally to them to have a place we could retreat from the chaos of both houses (when we went “home” we had turkey lunch in 1 house and turkey dinner in the other as neither mother could be left out…but there were a lot of people in both). Our own place meant a calm start to the morning and Santa and our own presents, and breakfast we all liked. And we could go back there or for a walk between the 2 family houses, and leave the late one when we were done instead of having to deal with noise and chaos until late into the night and no sleep…

We also automatically built quiet time into every celebration day. And made sure we had snacks DD would eat in my bag, or on hand in whatever house we were in. And we kept a quiet spot at home, and tried to find one in all the other houses (or kept a coat ready for a walk in the rain if needed).

We found it hard to ensure DD had enough rest during December without feeling we don't do anything at all.
School had so much going on, she wanted to do the Christmas activities in her clubs her friends attended and we also wanted to do things as a family.

It did get easier when she moved to secondary school as the endless fun activities, nativity play, parties her primary school did were over.

We are too far away from family and I work without the possibility to take time off so we either go just when the school breaks or we don't see them at all. Going before Christmas is not that easy but a lot better as it means Christmas and the time until New Year can then really be used for her to relax and be without pressure.

Going outside helps and avoiding activities with crowds of people like a big fair or panto. We did carol concerts, light walks, decorated stately homes we have annual passes so it doesn't matter if we cut a visit short.

Time at home means baking, watching a movie, decorating and just eating and drinking.

@BertieBotts - one of the best things I ever bought were microwavable plate warmers, I hate my food getting cold.

We have several of these, work for plates and larger bowls and really make a difference for me.

www.amazon.co.uk/Microwave-Plate-Warmers-Set-3/dp/B002OEPC8K/ref=sr_1_7?crid=1ADCFSNDY9NEF&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.d2v9EhwWl0XB1BKYElK7ULVmA3mEoHFVWheYvB_eWGw59PYzz500KMZdrao7yw5z8hr7G8CNbBKKLmZwWMBGW22F8aV_3AYhekKsnDgpWTN0kViws5LC6XtdZ098xbeJk2w3DP3rYSXrKVAuQ1BA2MoPxEXFNxfQoBnqXT6lybn9viPoA4Sp5s4ydbaFnoJ6JChRW_F1JRn7VzyZ3pOEKmiqQS_nV9BLViIlYOtYPfM94RkCS6Iasp71z0tKKu0aWezTc45h8mQsdhSl25aJqDjDrOVwNsTK2THVQw6T9LI.ImWgCox_77rGcEflYXMuZjpNyFyAfZ8jTusAsOQU6BE&dib_tag=se&keywords=microwavable+plate+warmers&qid=1793689439&sprefix=microwavable+plate+%2Caps%2C150&sr=8-7

I wrapped presents in Xmas-y fabric tied with string when I noticed the noise of wrapping paper was upsetting my youngest ds. I didn’t know he was nd to start with but it became more obvious over the years. He’s now 15 and can cope with wrapping paper but I still wrap stuff in fabric (or use present bags) because menopausal me now finds the chaos of paper and sellotape sets me on edge!!