Present buying perfectionism has a really negative effect on enjoying Christmas for me. Can anyone give me advice?

[Wishitwasstraightforward]

I’ve begun to realise that the pressure I put on myself to buy lovely gifts for people I care about is creating stress and taking up huge amounts of time.

Year on year I delay buying my gifts for people because I cannot find anything that seems just right and I don’t want to settle for anything that doesn’t feel like a really lovely gift.

I don’t have huge amounts of gifts to buy. I have a tiny family and about eight wonderful friends who I consider to be my family, who have supported me through thick and thin and who I really want to show how much they mean to me by buying a really lovely gift.

I have a fairly modest budget, which probably makes things more difficult. Also, I guess most people already have everything that they really need and understandably have their own particular tastes and preferences which makes things even more challenging.

I try to pick up on comments that people make that might give me a clue as to a gift that they might like, and I try and dig deep into what I know about them to find something lovely. But still I spend hours and hours shopping online and in person struggling to find something that feels just right.

The knock on effect of this is that I don’t actually buy anything until really close to Christmas when I have run out of time and have to accept that the perfect gift doesn’t exist and begrudgingly buy the least worst option. I spend most of the run up to Christmas stressing over what to buy, leaving no time to enjoy the festive build up.

I have one DC, late teens and buying gifts for them is not so tricky but everyone else I find so hard to buy for. I realise not buying gifts is an option but I don’t want to do that for various reasons.

I would love this year to be different so I can enjoy the build up to Christmas. Can anyone relate and / or help me approach this differently please?

Personally I’d speak to your friends about knocking gift giving on the head. Mine did a few year’s ago, none of us particularly wanted another scarf/candle/lush bath bomb and save the money to go for a nice pub lunch together which we all prefer!

As people get older it's harder and harder to get the 'perfect' gift as generally they have the money to buy things for themselves.

Can you talk to your friends and agree to change the way you are doing things this year? Maybe set a ridiculously low amount for present giving which adds an element of fun and an understanding that you're going to get something small and silly. Maybe presents have to be from a charity shop, handmade using cardboard only, have to be orange. Once it becomes more fun the pressure reduces.

Or say no gifts let's go for lunch/skiing/a spa/do a long distance walk etc.

I second the suggestion to talk to them. Go out and do something special with them... See a show, doesn't have to include a trip into London, lots of good shows are touring. Or go to a jazz club. Or a comedy night. Cocktail bar, spa trip, weekend airb&b in the Lake District, whatever you'd all like and fits your combined budgets for gift giving

If these friends are in groups then definitley suggest that you all go out for a meal instead of presents!

Can you buy them music lessons?

Art lessons?
At least if they don't like it some artist has the benefit.

Or you can call the musician and say if they never take the offer, let me know and I'll have it tee hee

If you want to keep giving actual gifts I would keep it simple.
Get everyone a paperback novel, chocolate Santa and a decoration for their tree.

@Wishitwasstraightforward How about this idea instead?

Go to the shops and walk round looking at everything, and pretend you are buying something just because you happen to like it, and for no other reason. If you like something a lot, buy more than one. Set yourself a budget per present, and once you have nine things, lay them all out on your bed. They are the presents for your eight friends, and all you then have to do is decide who gets what. There will be one left over, and you get to keep that as a reward.

If you like those gifts, why shouldn't they? Job done.

Right OP you've stated you spend hrs online.

Nah. Needmorelego is right.

Chocolate no longer a cheap option.

Keep it simple. Or get some Mylar bags and Oxygen tabs. Give everyone 10 bags each and chocolate or porridge oats and introduce them to prepping:)

Practical and tasty!
Also religious coz my vicar said (referring to Jesus coming back, not as a baby) "If you don't think something is going to happen you won't get ready,".

Once you're in your 40s you don't need more stuff, however lovely. I guarantee your friend's houses are already full on lovely stuff.
I only give adults consumables now. Give them some nice bottles of wine or bake some mince pies.
Gifts are just a token to show you've thought of them.

I used to be a bit like that - agonising over the perfect present. Then I got a grip and realized that most people just shop (online or in person) with a list, pick something for everyone on their list and pat themselves on the back - job done. I'm not saying they put no thought into it whatsoever, but it's not a particularly personal gift. Actually, one family member got the same gift for four couples in the family one year. It was a nice gift, as it happens. But it was effectively the same gift for eight people. And even if you do hit on what seems like the perfect present, the recipient may not feel the same way about it as you do. So it could still end up in a charity shop or being re-gifted.

So, make a list and decide quickly (like you do when you're under pressure). Let's say your budget is £20 per person. What can you get for £20? Scarf, gloves, pyjamas, body lotion set, candle, book, nice slipper socks, Christmas decoration etc. Match up the name with the item. Job done. If you find something nice, buy two of the same item. Your friend will never know that you bought the same body lotion set for your Aunt Jean, because they're never going to see each other or compare notes. And obviously consider things like allergies - no point in buying your friend something highly scented if they're allergic to scented products.

Sometimes I get inspired when I'm actually in a shop and see something I never would have considered, if I hadn't spotted it on the shelf. This doesn't happen so much when I'm shopping online. But I'm mindful that you're on a budget and shopping in person usually incurs additional costs like parking or stopping for a coffee when you get tired walking around.

Good luck.

I do December bags for my nearest and dearest. It started before the trend for adult advent calendars began and I felt like my adult friends, especially the mums, deserved their wee daily treats. So I got small things like chocolate, hand gel (for the teachers at that time pre covid), list pads, mini wine or cocktail can, book from charity shop, socks (Xmas or other), fav snacks, candle, bath bomb or shower gel mini etc and wrapped them either with numbers or to just be chosen at random. A multi pack of wee choc bars can be split across people or if you know they have a nespresso or Tassimo you could get pods etc. Start now and get a nice classy bag or a reusable shopper.

If your budget really is quite small then why not buy gifts for dc only?
Do your 8 close friends give gifts to you?

This, or just do Secret Santa. I've not bought presents for mates since the noughties.

This sounds like a crazy amount of effort. So instead of reducing the number of people she buys for, she has to sort out 192 tiny presents instead 🫨

Did you read a book you loved this year? Give them all a book token and a note saying if they don't know what to get you suggest X. Otherwise treat them all to something small like a sauna session, coffee and a cake, etc. I am also a present perfectionist but last year knocked it on the head by focussing on stepping away from 'wanting' energy to deliberately generating 'having' energy for everything to do with Christmas. It was still lovely but it took the pressure off and instead made me notice what I (and everyone else) already had.

This is perfect. If you want to keep giving gifts then don’t overthink it - and stick to a theme. That way you’re not traipsing round every shop in town. Picking out books for 10 people is half an hour in Waterstones. One year we gave all DH’s family a bottle of champagne, another year everyone got pyjamas, etc. or choose one shop, not too big, but something like Hollister or Fat Face, and get everyone a nice T shirt, pants (depending how well you know them) or some funky socks. Even if they’re not wildly exciting they’ll definitely get used. One of my colleagues gives himself a 2 hour time limit in TK Maxx!

I’ve bought my colleagues M&S Xmas food - that’s what people want at Xmas, little luxuries & indulgences.

Go to M&S and get them all some naice biscuits. People don’t tend to buy themselves fancy chocolate/ biscuits. It’s a luxury item and great gift. Don’t overthink it.

I always get my nieces/ nephews a selection box. But buy tins of fancy biscuits from M&S for the adults!! Always go down well.

Love the book and chocolate ideas

If uou want to hive yourself more trouble you could aim for coordinating like this

https://www.amodelrecommends.com/p/books-and-chocs-the-ultimate-easy?utm_source=publication-search

Lots of nice food gifts in M&S or a deli if you have one. I just gifted a jar of fairtrade honey with walnuts in from Marks to a friend I know eats porridge breakfast.

I really relate to this. What helped us was simply asking. Everyone in our family now jots down a few things they’d genuinely love, at a mix of prices, and we share them with each other. It felt a bit unromantic at first, but it took all the stress out, and it’s still a surprise because nobody knows which thing you picked. You could suggest it to your friends as a group thing. Then the thought goes into choosing from their list and how you wrap or present it, rather than mind-reading. Hope you get to enjoy the build-up this year!

I have the same issue OP! I’m not sure what’s behind it but I really understand this. I think there are a few ways around it, I’ve really tried to find a solution!

Agreeing to not exchange presents at all or just do a secret Santa in your friendship group might work. My family suggested this and I hated the idea but in practice I have enjoyed how it has worked out because for adult relatives I now only have one person to focus on when buying presents, leaving me more free to enjoy the Advent period for what it is, plus I have enough money to buy myself a Christmas present from me to me 😆.

Another option is as already suggested to do a group outing instead of presents. One year I did a spa weekend with friends in the run up to Christmas which was amazing.

And I think another might be to forget online shopping and go shopping in-person. You can soak up the atmosphere, stop for a hot chocolate, and buy stuff that isn’t available online. Or make a rule to only buy presents from small local businesses or only personalised stuff from Etsy U.K. or NOTHS etc. The good thing is you have to order from them in good time to allow for personalisation! Sometimes I think it’s the online nature of a lot of shopping now that’s the problem, staring at a screen for hours is isolating and can make your head spin!

The other thing which I think can help is to set a hard date by which your Christmas shopping must be done so you can enjoy advent. You do tend to get good deals around Black Friday so I do generally try to have all shopping done on or before the Black Friday/Cyber Monday weekend. That leaves me all of Advent to enjoy.

Since you end up buying the 'least worst' option anyway, get it over with. Take the very next opportunity to go shopping - next weekend, say, and just get it done, get the gifts wrapped up and forget about it. You won't achieve anything by procrastinating until December.

I would never be disappointed with this, same with nice shower gel, its not clutter because you can use it and its done.

We've dispensed with presents for adults at Christmas altogether and it has been such a relief. I do like the book and chocolates idea though.

I thought my family was unbending but we agreed on Secret Santa and it has been really great. As you note OP, many people can already buy themselves items.

For the friendship group, for each person, you could pick a Christmas ornament and wrap it nicely with a card including a thoughtful message of memory you shared this year or wishes for the future. I think that would be a gesture that would be appreciated over most presents.