How can we keep Christmas spending reasonable after difficult childhoods?

[letsmakethisxmasnice2026]

For context Me and dh grew up in poverty. At times I didn't eat for days and had to almost every month use tissues socks as period protection etc so pretty bad poverty and neglect. Dh grew up in a family that would spend money on drugs and drink etc. We both have done very well considering the odds and we have a very nice lifestyle. We have 3 dc who at xmas get lots of presents from us despite us saying every year never again.
We both have scars from our childhood that we have mostly fixed apart from Xmas. For example I used to buy lots and lots of food. To the point food was getting binned but I have stopped that now. When dd13 first started school dh used to buy her new polo shirts pretty much every week so she would always look great gping to school. So overall we have done well.

Apart from xmas last yr we spent 3k in presents which doesn't include presents for friends or family. if i was to include food and activities i would add another 1k :( We dont want to again but it's hard which I know sounds silly. I suggested we ask the kids to pick 10 things with only one being big. Does that sound ok? any ideas

Btw I love xmas

ai title as thought it was pretty spot on

I know it's hard but kids don't want so many things. They want love, happy memories, fun and most of all your time and attention. Trips out, laughing, playing games is the way to go. The more you shower them in things, the less important these things become, in my experience.

Stick to a budget. One main gift a couple of little things under the tree and a stocking from Father Christmas.

we’ve parred our Christmases right down now. Last year we just had tree up and a few nicer bits of food in, presents for my adult DC and the pets. Presents posted to wider family. Still cost loads and was a waste of money.

This year we are going for tree up few bits of food. But cutting the gifts even lower so everyone we post too will get a tenner and tiny gift. My adult DC a few little things and pet stockings. We’ve got £600 saved for Christmas, been a tough year with unexpected massive repairs, and we’ve not had a holiday for two years. So we are going to spend that on a week away in January just the two of us instead so we get something this year.

Im glad you and dh are away from poverty now. It does leave scars and it sounds like you have done great.for yourselves.

Probably repeated advice but meal plan over Christmas and allow extras but visualise when you are going to eat it and how many will be eating, especially the fresh food. Things like biscuits and cakes can last a bit longer.
With the kids maybe get them one big present and then set a budget on smaller gifts. Listen to see what they are currently interested in during the month or so before Christmas so you aren't buying things that they liked months earlier ( expierence talking!!)
If you do a little over the top, enjoy it!!!

Its really hard and comes from a place of love.

My sister does 10 presents each plus a stocking. 1 main present then some smaller ones. She sets a limit each year. The older boy knows what the limit is and adjusts his presents to meet that.

Its actually teaching him very important financial budgeting skills.

I went mental on food 2 years ago. There was only 3 of us! So last year I did the trolly shop online. Walked away and each day checked it and took our anything unnecessary. It shocked me how much I removed. We didnt go without anything. Just utter rubbish I had put in we dont need.

I absolutely adore Christmas and go overboard all the time but im starting to cut back.

What my mum did with me and my siblings,and what ill start soon with DS, is at Christmas we have to give some of our old toys to charity in the run up to Christmas to make way for the new toys. We actually all ended up really enjoying this and I remember going with her to the charity shop and being super happy I was helping other children get toys

Set a budget for each person and stick to it. Your kids will honestly value things more if they know that there is a limit. And you won’t end up with a house full of tat.

Watch Sort Your Life Out with your kids. Gasp together at how much ‘stuff’ gets chucked out!… and estimate how much money it represents. It’s madness.

We do:
Stocking: 6/7 little things to open eg a mascara, a hand sanitizer, a mini hand cream, some nice/ posh/ Christmas chocolate, a face pack, a foldy-hairbrush for their handbags, a bottle of their favourite perfume
’Main presents’ to the limit of the budget - eg clothes or tech. They give me ideas or a list (with links if necessary).
A surprise present eg a book that I know they will like

^ that’s it.

OP you sound such a lovely caring and thoughtful person. I can only imagine that Christmas would be a cosy, joyous, love filled occasion in your house if you just had a box of crackers and beans on toast.
Set a budget you are comfortable with and then let the love and happy family times do the rest.

When I think back to my childhood it's the times when we were all together watching films with a box of chocolates that I remember with most affection. Everything else is just 'stuff'.

We were skint don’t when I was a child. We’re not now, fortunately. I’ve still never spent more than £100 on kids presents at Christmas.

I also meal plan and that doesn’t change at Christmas. I buy some more/nicer stuff but nothing goes in the bin.

I understand you OP. Me and DH are figuring this out too (for slightly different reasons - he was brought up with very little and wants to make sure LO never experiences that, I was brought up with money thrown at things and want LOs Christmases to be as fun as mine were, all with the added complication of us waiting a long time to become parents via adoption).

You have at least 1 teen so Christmas is likely to be a bit expensive but could you give a family trip or experiences as gifts instead of ‘stuff’?

We tend to have a rough budget but aim for 1
big thing and a few small to go with it from Santa (our LO is young so play kitchen with some wooden food, pots, pans and apron) then a mix of stuff they want and need from us (so he would have had PJs, socks, tooth brush anyway but we got those plus some toys, books, puzzles etc).

A year or so ago there was a little SM trend of people asking kids what they had for Christmas the year before. A lot of them could name maybe 2 things - but when they were asked what they liked about last Christmas, they could all give some example of something small that involved others (going to see Santa, the lights, putting up the tree).
I’ve done the same with LO and he remembers having Mickey Mouse socks, having lots of lights and watching The Grinch in bed with me while eating popcorn.
Its quite eye opening - maybe try it and get an idea for what matters to the dc and focus efforts on that.

Lastly, if you over spend but can afford it, dont worry too much. But when its all wrapped, if it looks like too much, you can always take some out of the pile and put them aside for birthdays or return them (spoken from experience)

You ate doing the right thing. Kids get overwhelmed with too much and don't enjoy it.
The bits mine remember are making cookies, singing christmas songs and leaving things out for father Christmas. They can barely remember thr much wanted presents.
We do
1 big present, 3 little ones and a family board game to share.
And then about £50 of stuff in a stocking (usually a small toy, a book, a craft thing, some nice sweets, a chocolate orange, and fun socks.

We set a budget for each person, my two are teenagers now so their budget is a bit higher than when they were younger. They understand that asking for something techy or big means they’ll have fewer things to open, my DS usually asks for one main gift, my DD will ask for half a dozen smaller things. They each do a list early November and from there I’ll choose things so they get a bit of a surprise. I don’t buy things that are destined for landfill, stocking stuffers need to be consumable or genuinely useful, no Christmas hot chocolate mugs, Christmas jumpers get reused from previous years, same with Christmas bedding (bought many years ago now).

They both receive an allowance monthly and they are expected to buy family gifts from this, which helps them budget and also reinforces not going crazy at Christmas.

We try to do a theatre trip or outing over Christmas holidays and do baking etc around the house - no Christmas Eve boxes etc. It’s very easy to get caught up in trying to do everything, and everything is expensive so it soon runs away with you if you’re not careful.

You are really setting your children up for unrealistic ideas of christmas and I assume birthdays too. You are clearly trying to give your dc Christmases you never had as a child which is understandable, but most of what is magical about christmas does not cost money. Carol services, making glitter stars for the tree, cooking and singing and spending time together as a family.

Be more disciplined - set the budget and stick to it religiously. Resist the urge to buy or do more.

In the scheme of things given your joint history if the worst thing you do is spoil your kids once a year, this is not something to beat yourself up about. Celebrate your incredible achievements - and maybe instead of spending piles of money on 'stuff' how about saving the money for a really special holiday such as lapland or similar? Try to use the money to educate them, give them life experiences and broaden their horizons instead. Put money away for their university funds etc. Savings for their adult life.

Stuff is just landfill - experiences will make a real difference to them in time.

Can I just say well done. Well done for breaking the cycle. I could have written this myself however my husband has never gone without. Mine are still young and never have any understanding what I went through and I’m glad I/we have worked hard for that. I am also bad at Xmas esp. Daughter got Apple laptop and watch last year and we always ensure we are on holiday for birthdays and get a family break at Xmas. As they have got older it has got better. My son didn’t want to be away for his birthday and they don’t want to do a Christmas market this year. 10 presents is perfect or even advise maybe days out? I cope by spending more time together, out and about or away rather than spending it on gifts. My son is Pokemon obsessed however this won’t last till Xmas. My daughter will change outfit styles at least twice by Xmas too. So yes days away or 10 presents is perfect.

Well done to you both. Sit down and write a numbered list of presents, with input from your DC. Agree size/cost of each e.g. 1 'big', 3 medium, 6 small. Then stick to the list and avoid impulse shopping.

Presumably you also do some experiences over Christmas. Can you focus some of your energy into these? Again limit the big, expensive experiences and do some simpler ones at home e.g. decorating gingerbread men.

Rather than a spending budget, try the mantra

Something to read
Something to wear
Something to do
Something fun.

We never had stockings filled with little things so I can’t help you there.

Re Christmas dinner/food, you have had a few christmases now. Go back and think about what was eaten and what wasn’t. What was enjoyed and what wasn’t. Write a menu plan. Have a look in your pantry to see what you already have and what you need to top up. Allow an extra $50 for a food adventure.

Take some of the money you used to spend and, with the family, create a shopping list for a food bank or a shelter or something. Include gifts for “a 10 yo boy” for example. And then act on it.

Keep looking at your husband and saying to each other together, we don’t need more. You need to create a new habit, that of being reasonable rather than profligate.

One nice present from Mum and Dad
two or three smaller presents
stockings with no more than 8 small silly gifts (ours includes a book, a magic trick or similar, new pants, and a terrys chocolate orange)

Give the children a budget to buy each other (and parents) a present each (£5-£10 pp).

I love Christmas and tend towards getting too much too! It helps me to have categories in my head for gifts - so I always get a couple of books, something arty, something fun that can be used straight away, a board game etc. So, if I already have a gift from that category I know I don't need to get another.

I'd start by deciding what is the amount of money you'd feel ok about spending (this obv depends on your income and attitude) and then stick to it. Set up a shared spreadsheet where you include everything.

I understand the temptation to overspend but too much gets overwhelming. Having a budget, however high it is, means you have to justify each gift's inclusion and therefore means you buy better overall.

I felt so sad reading your post thinking of what you both went through as children/teenagers. I often donate the Christmas gift shoe box locally in the hope it reaches children like you as I hate the idea of children feeling unloved/neglected esp at Christmas! Well done for both doing well in life and providing a loving childhood for your own kids!
WOW I must say you spend a fortune on kids gifts! You surely must be drowning in toys if that's what you are spending? Are you able to give a rough breakdown of what you buy then maybe we can trim it down? We earn 100k PA and we don't spend anywhere near that! My budget is roughly no more than £200 each on toys and stockings then money in the kids ISA - maybe if you have the spare money direct some to a kids ISA for their future instead of all on gifts? Even our spend of £200 I feel like we are drowning in toys so may cut back a bit too as I think it becomes more gift after gift loosing the excitement of a special few! I would say 10ish gifts for stockings at no more than £50 then 8/10 tree gifts 1/2 wow gifts in this so no more than £150 for tree gifts! And I still think this is very generous. As other people have said kids don't remember each gift. They remember the time spent with you. Like Christmas baking together. Doing a family Christmas movie night. All getting in the car or a family walk with hot choc to see neighbors Christmas lights.

Sorry I forgot to mention regards to the food. You are obviously making up for your past lack of food. I am pleased you say you have stopped this. However if it does still haunt you and by having more food around eases your anxiety then I would say then shop/cook things that don't go out of date. Like for instance I make ahead family dinners to freeze for over xmas hols (mainly so I don't have to cook and chill) I freeze, lasagna, curry, casseroles, chili, fish pie, sausage rolls, apple crumble. Just an idea for if you do still wnat the comfort of food around you then you know it won't go to waste.

They’ll do better having at least one k of that in a savings account for if times go bad. Honestly it’s just like food I’d guess, at some stage as you’re shopping you have to look at what you have and start thinking no I don’t need this. You can still have great stuff but eg your eg of a polo shirt a week is pretty disgusting when you think of the end result of that mass of polo shirts that will end up being given away or dumped. You want to get stuff that they’ll use and love and have longevity in but a big pile of stuff they’ll ignore and they’ll end up the polar opposite of you, growing up unable to have the lifestyle they assume they should have

if you can afford it then I don’t see a problem. Are your kids happy with the Christmas’s you’ve given them or are they overwhelmed? Personally we do lots of presents at Christmas and birthdays and our children love this. My dh spoils me too, it’s just how we are as a family. We love treating each other and giving gifts. My dh regularly buys me random presents just “because”. The other day it was a key for my l’occitane hand cream to squeeze the last bits out. Bloody marvellous 🤩

Honestly OP I would just keep doing Xmas the way you want it unless you really need to cut back on things. I love Xmas and do go OTT but we all have a great time, aren't getting into debt etc so I don't care what anyone else thinks.

I grew up similarly, and its an understandable reaction, shower the kids in everything you never had to outrun the shame you carried as a child.
I do both the clothes and the present thing and it becomes a monster that gets bigger the more you feed it.

What id like to advise is what im trying to do myself,
Get them the nice things, but generally go by their wants, not the compulsion to provide everything in sight.
Try to go away for Christmas, focus less on what's under the tree, and more on what's on the agenda. If you've got money spare chuck that at getting christmas dinner cooked for you all so youre able to spend the time playing with her gifts, not at the oven.

Its hard to reconcile a neglectful childhood and have children of your own, to then want to make their childhood as far from yours as possible but constantly giving to them also can lead to them feeling a lot of pressure too.

Have you had therapy for this? It can be useful but it does require a lot of work and you can slip right back too unchecked....who would have thought it, counselling because youre giving your child a nice life! But if its a compulsive behaviour that's linked to shame, or anxiety it might be worth thinking about.

I love Christmas, dd is 7 so we are still in the toy phase but last year was along the lines of roughly:

Stocking £50-75
Reading book
Sticker book
Quiz book
Small toys 2 or 3 - maybe a tiny Polly Pocket or squishalongs etc.
Fancy hair clips
Cuddly toy
Notebook and pen
Anything else small that I know she'll love.

Main, £100-200 depending on what it is has been for things like:
One large gift - Barbie house or trampoline
3 smaller gifts- interactive dog, large craft kit, vet barbie set.

We also usually do Christmas baking, a Christmas light drive around with hot chocolate and a Christmas trip to the city to see a show or ballet. She also gets a new best outfit and pyjamas at the beginning of December.

I could easily go crazier, but I agree with you that it is better in the long run to hold back a bit and add to their savings instead.

I say Fuck it!! If you can afford it, do it!!! Why do you feel that you have to skimp - if you love Christmas and buying present and you can afford it, why not? A big Christmas won't ruin a child - the other 364 days will.

And you can do do presents - AND the fun and games AND the laughter AND the memories!

We do it all - love Christmas - every year we do a European break beginning of December, a day in London, a light show, a big family dinner on 23rd plus ice skating etc.

And lots of presents - big, small, irrevalnt and funny.

My kids aren't ruined and I don't wring my hands over my total extragence - it's my favourite time of year.

Rejoice in what you've achieved and love every minute.