Need to rant? Come on over.

[DontlikeChristmas]

I’ll start. We’ve just opened presents. I couldn’t give a fig about presents for myself, but I think if you’re going to spend money on a gift for someone you’d may as well make sure it’s something they will like/use. DH has panic bought me a horrible tie dye jumper two sizes too big. I’ve never worn tie dye in my life. My mother has inexplicably bought me a truly awful outfit clearly meant for a teenager (I’m 50) in a colour I never wear, also in the wrong size. DH has also managed to buy DC a load of stuff they already have because he couldn’t be bothered to check. I feel so deflated by this & think it’s all such a massive waste of money (we probably could have gone out for dinner with the cost of the presents no one is going to wear/use, or made a charity donation).

We now have DHs family coming for dinner, who are lovely people but seem to have ever changing dietary requirements (none of which are due to diagnosed conditions) that it’s impossible to keep up with, so I’ve got to make about 15 different gluten-free/oil free/non-acidic/anti-inflammatory and whatever else dishes (DH ‘doesn’t do cooking’).

I’m over Christmas & it’s not even 8.30. Anyone else?

Tell me your partner didn't get you nothing? And still found reason for complaints??? Please tell me I have misunderstood?
You deserve SOOOOO much more. I'm so so sorry. I want to go give you a massive present and tell you how precious you are.
Merry Christmas from Mumsnetters.

I was being dramatic on purpose I’m really really sorry that I offended you and also if you can’t rant on a ranting post where can you ?and actually no i didn’t get a thing not everyone’s a spoilt brat 😂 😂 😂 😂 you think whatever you want love i couldn’t give a 💩

Um... they're not offended, they are sympathising with you and saying something nice to you! wtf is wrong with you that you mistook their post of kindness and empathy to you so badly!?

To me it came across as being patronising maybe that’s not what they’re going for but that’s how It’s come across to me

@Doubledenim305 I’m sorry I took your message completely the wrong way 🤦‍♀️ and thank you for your kind words sorry for being a B*h hope you had a good Christmas

Awwww it's totally fine. I feel genuinely sorry about your circumstances and everyone deserves something for Christmas 🎁 Ur DP needs to step up here. It doesn't cost money to care. It's the thought. And he should value you if he has chosen to be with you. Remember your value💞

Your too kind bless you . To be honest I don’t really feel like I’m worth much and I’m only here cause I have children. I didn’t really expect to get anything but it still sucks when you’ve cared enough yourself to get them something and you get nothing at all not even a Christmas card I spent the lead up to Christmas cleaning and having a pre Christmas de clutter, made sure everyone had gifts to unwrap,decorated,did the Christmas food shop he didn’t have to lift a finger and he couldn’t even manage a card . Now it’s the after Christmas declutter 😂

@Mumof3andamanchild ...maybe you deserve a Christmas without the man child ?
A present to yourself ??? 😁

I have been tempted

Absolutely do that! I do it every year. Then I'm not disappointed :-) My OH has never been good with Christmas presents and after one upsetting year, I just resigned myself to - I;ll choose something and you can pay for it. Never going to get any romance here! It works. But in addition I also buy myself something.

I meant the present to yourself is losing the man child!

Yes. I really think we need to stop normalising the expectation that women will turn into martyrs over Christmas and put up with disrespect in their own homes all while keeping a smile on their face. People really take advantage of it.

I was looking for a thread like this, I need a rant. Christmas (and often birthdays) are one of the biggest points of conflict in my relationship. DH takes very little part, doesn’t cook at all and doesn’t get involved in gifts or wrapping, decorating or school stuff. Will do the gifts for his own side at my insistence. Will do odd jobs if I allocate them clearly and timeously, like do the neighbour cards or help tidy up for guests coming, but only if I ask very specifically, clearly and in advance. No understanding of the mental load of it all or how unexpected last minute tasks come up.

The thing is, I am a SAHM just now, have been for 3years. He is a high earner. He thinks his financial contribution is his contribution to Christmas. Which of course is an important contribution! But when I was earning too he didn’t do any more, and when I go back to work I don’t think he will.

We've argued today with my resentment having simmered over the last couple of weeks. What really hurts me is that he sees me running about doing it all, staying up late wrapping, planning, you all know what goes into it all. And he never asks how it is going, what he can do to help. He gets very upset if I am ratty or cranky, when he perceives it is unreasonable for me to be. I feel upset there is zero understanding of what goes into to organising xmas. I feel he doesn’t care. He feels I am uber critical and jump on everything. He may be right, but it’s because I feel so hurt at his absence from the whole thing. I read some people’s experiences here and it sounds like such a shared enterprise. I’d love my DH to care about what we serve for dinner or what gifts the DC are going to get. I don’t know if I’m being unreasonable any more. He’s an attentive dad and mostly pulls his weight in the house in general, it’s just Christmas he just stands back from. I’ve tried for years to get him to join in. It’s never going to happen but I can’t stop feeling angry with him for it…thank you for the ranting space. Love to all those who feel the same.

Seems most men care about Christmas about as much as they care about weddings.

Yep. Even after 17 years I get grumble grumble - far too soon to start thinking about Christmas yet (in early November when I'm ordering Christmas cards and presents). Every year I say - I know from experience, that Christmas is much more relaxed if I get the shopping done before 1st December, and also the prices go up after 1st December and I also like to enjoy the run up to Christmas in December without too much last minute stuff to do. And every year it's the same argument "far too soon to be thinking about Christmas". Then 2 days before Christmas he suddenly goes mad and realises it's nearly Christmas and comes up with some bizarre diy idea that needs doing "before Christmas". He is the archetypal "Christmas shopping on Christmas Eve" type. I stopped that one years ago by choosing my own present in November asking if that was ok and he pays for it. Even this year he left it till Christmas Eve to get me a card! It's the only thing he does - buy me a card. Grumbles about being asked to wrap presents as well. And there's usually an argument about putting the Christmas tree up and which way round looks best. I now just let him decide and accept it looks crap, because life is too short ha ha.

Been looking for this thread! Here’s mine:

Grown adults talking about stockings in front of children. Fine if you are an adult who loves receiving a stocking, but when around young children PLEASE remember that stockings are really for them, so maybe think before you mention that your partner / mum / whoever ‘still’ does you a stocking…and definitely don’t ask me in front of my children whether “we do stockings for them or not?” Happens every year with certain family members despite my pointed “of course not. Father Christmas does that!” Responses.

The family group who saves all their presents to open in front of a wider audience after Christmas lunch. It means the present opening is uneven, goes on for 3 hours, and all the kids are bored, except the ones still opening presents. I never understand why they don’t do what the rest of us do and open immediately family presents in the morning before travelling to see wider family.

wow kitchenmaid mixer is the best present ever!

yeah i completely got what you meant

I'm a woman and would feel that my financial contribution is enough, too.
How many people is your husband feeding, clothing and keeping warm?
I would never do it, if I did, I would resent the other side. ( Who stays at home I finance).
Speaking for myself.

Fair enough, that’s how you’d feel. My situation isn’t about how much he should contribute overall, which I am happy with. I don’t think he resents being the only earner, he feels it’s been better for DC and he’s benefiting from having most household stuff taken care of.

It’s always been the case that at xmas and bdays he takes no interest, sits back while I wrap til 1am, have tons of prep for guests etc. I don’t think that’s partnership, when it happens when I’m working or if I’m a sahm. I think it’s because he’s male.

My DH does all shopping, cooking, organising but he used to be a chef and despite me always asking and checking in regularly his reply is always no. He hates offers of help. In turn I lay table, entertain, wrap presents and wash everything up afterwards. I think that's a good partnership.

You need to do Christmas in a way that doesn't involve your husband doing anything. Just cut back whatever it is that you are doing that is stressing you out. What level of work is acceptable to you?
Then just tell your husband thats what you can manage next year.
If he wants more you will need his help.
If he's fine with that, then all is well.
We often put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves I think.

This is good advice, thanks. I love cooking so enjoy planning it all but then the actual execution of said plans can be stressful, for example. This year we travelled to his family which added stress for me as I had to have gifts ready early and make sure they could fit in suitcases. As you say, if he wants that to happen again then he’ll need to help more. Trouble is, as with many women on this thread, it’s DC who miss out if we don’t pick up the slack, which is how we end up in these situations.

But you are so right, I need to plan around the situation I actually have and not the one I feel I should have.