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Original poster

manipulative MIL

58 replies

nearlyemptynes · 22/12/2025 10:14

So rant alert. I have cooked the christmas dinner for everyone for the last 27 years - except one when MIL did it. Every year which ever grandparent is coming christmas day buys the turkey(we have each set alternate years). Now MIL has rung this morning to see if i want any veg from the farm (she gets the turkey from the farm to prove how superior she is to my mum who gets it from Aldi). Now this may seem a helpful thing to offer to do. However, what it really means is , "i do not approve that you have bought premade cauliflowercheese and red cabbage from Marks and spencers, I think you should be making 12 vegetables from scratch". This is just one example of the things she will do over christmas. So come on am I the only one with a manipulative MIL? She will arrive with a turkey and trifle and act like she cooks the whole bloody dinner!

OP posts:
AgnesX · 22/12/2025 11:39

Sounds great really. My MiL is the opposite, she makes me feel like a wastrel with her 15p veg from Lidl and frozen bird that she got on special. I'm the one that's made to feel that I fritter money with my free range bird and prepared veg.

This year I've got a bug so I'm beyond caring.

Dunnocantthinkofone · 22/12/2025 11:41

You are REALLY stretching to find something to be pissed at her with there OP!

CautiousLurker2 · 22/12/2025 11:50

I think you are being overly sensitive. We buy the pre made stuff from M&S but also have a bit of fresh veg in in case the oldies would prefer something plain. I think she was trying to be helpful. Hope your reply was ‘’thank you for thinking of it, but we have the veg covered now’.

PeytonandAvie · 22/12/2025 11:55

Why cant you just take the veg the MIL offered to buy?
Even if you dont use it for Christmas dinner, you still have it to use for another day.

I dont see a issue here at all. Just someone offering to help out.

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 12:15

‘Offering to pick up someone’s veg’ Yes it is a stunt because she is saying I am so much better than you. I am buying things from the farm not the supermarket. I expect the op has a hole history of this little things, so subtle that others think they are being ‘nice’

SilverPink · 22/12/2025 12:16

There must be more to this…

Anyway, you just say no thank you, got all the veg we need, see you Thursday!

She’d hate us - beef joint from Aldi (don’t do turkey) and frozen veg all the way.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/12/2025 12:19

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 11:01

I am with you. Everyone thought my evil mother was so wonderful as she played this type of stunt repeatedly.

You know her and the reasons behind what she says.

Still t? Buying nice food for Christmas?

Blimey, some people would argue in an empty room.

MrsSkylerWhite · 22/12/2025 12:19

Stunt?

GalaxyJam · 22/12/2025 12:22

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 12:15

‘Offering to pick up someone’s veg’ Yes it is a stunt because she is saying I am so much better than you. I am buying things from the farm not the supermarket. I expect the op has a hole history of this little things, so subtle that others think they are being ‘nice’

Fucking hell, some people can’t win. If she didn’t offer I imagine the OP would be slagging her off for not helping out.

Mauro711 · 22/12/2025 12:23

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 12:15

‘Offering to pick up someone’s veg’ Yes it is a stunt because she is saying I am so much better than you. I am buying things from the farm not the supermarket. I expect the op has a hole history of this little things, so subtle that others think they are being ‘nice’

It really isn't. She is going somewhere that people only go to every now and again (or never) and they have nice stuff so she has made a nice offer of picking something extra up because at Christmas people normally have slightly nicer food than on a regular Tuesday in February.

It's like saying that when my sister brings be back a nice bottle of wine when she comes to visit from France she is really telling me that she is superior to me and it's not a kind gesture. In fact, she is trying to manipulate me (into doing what exactly?).

RampantIvy · 22/12/2025 12:24

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 12:15

‘Offering to pick up someone’s veg’ Yes it is a stunt because she is saying I am so much better than you. I am buying things from the farm not the supermarket. I expect the op has a hole history of this little things, so subtle that others think they are being ‘nice’

You seem to have a bit of a chip on your shoulder about this.

If I was expected to supply the turkey for a Christmas dinner that I was going to eat I would also buy a free range turkey (locally bred if possible), but then I always buy free range chicken as well.

BlackCat14 · 22/12/2025 12:28

It’s not manipulative.
You know her better than we do and there’s probably other back story which makes you feel this way. She may be being a bit like “oh look at me I’m so much better than you cause I buy food from farm shops” but it sounds like that’s as deep as it goes, I don’t think she’s manipulating anyone.

Blueskiesnotgrey · 22/12/2025 12:30

You should make the cauliflower cheese from scratch, it's much better - just saying ...

Tosserneighbour · 22/12/2025 13:18

If someone bought us a farm turkey for Christmas day, I'd be over the bloody moon!!
That, and offering to buy lovely, fresh farm veg, are not manipulative behaviours.

Is there something else going on OP? I think you should fill us in, because as it stands, you are making yourself look bitter and resentful.

RampantIvy · 22/12/2025 13:37

I'm inclined to agree with @Tosserneighbour and other posters that there must be a back story because just offering to bring lovely fresh vegetables and a turkey from the farm is not in itself manipulative.

Tourmalines · 22/12/2025 20:57

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 12:15

‘Offering to pick up someone’s veg’ Yes it is a stunt because she is saying I am so much better than you. I am buying things from the farm not the supermarket. I expect the op has a hole history of this little things, so subtle that others think they are being ‘nice’

Imagine being so invested in victimhood that vegetables become a ‘stunt’.

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 21:09

Quite often when relatives go NC the other person says that they don’t know what they have done so They will often list all the things, like “I paid for the Wedding” I”I bought this I bought that,” “I cleaned their House”. .The flying monkeys then shake their heads and say how wonderful the person is. What they don’t see is the under hand sly digs that go with all this largesse. The grandstanding and the undermining. The years of being chipped away at.

Like others have said there is a lot more to this story than just a farm visit.

GalaxyJam · 22/12/2025 21:36

Rictasmorticia · 22/12/2025 21:09

Quite often when relatives go NC the other person says that they don’t know what they have done so They will often list all the things, like “I paid for the Wedding” I”I bought this I bought that,” “I cleaned their House”. .The flying monkeys then shake their heads and say how wonderful the person is. What they don’t see is the under hand sly digs that go with all this largesse. The grandstanding and the undermining. The years of being chipped away at.

Like others have said there is a lot more to this story than just a farm visit.

The OP could maybe explain the back story, then some of us might be able to see her point of view. Instead she’s written one post about her MIL offering to buy vegetables, then disappeared.

FuzzyWolf · 22/12/2025 21:42

Supporting local farms is very normal where I am and nothing to do with manipulating people or being better than those who shop elsewhere.

I get the impression that no matter what she does, your MIL can never win with you.

SillyNavyTiger · 23/12/2025 22:13

I would plan an entire different meal and get everything ready-made to shut her up 😂

But seriously, I would pity her if she think there's pride in making all your vegetable dish from scratch and she has nothing interesting in her life. It only becomes a competition if you let it

Coconutter24 · 23/12/2025 22:19

I’m not one to jump on a MIL for their behaviour but what a cow, bringing a fresh turkey from the farm and offering to bring some fresh veg! How dare she make an offer like that to be helpful

RampantIvy · 23/12/2025 23:29

I notive the OP isn't coming back because this thread isn't going the way she wanted it to go.

GroundControlToMajorTomCat · 23/12/2025 23:38

How is asking if you want vegetables manipulative exactly? Just say no if you don't’ want them.

Tourmalines · 24/12/2025 04:55

SillyNavyTiger · 23/12/2025 22:13

I would plan an entire different meal and get everything ready-made to shut her up 😂

But seriously, I would pity her if she think there's pride in making all your vegetable dish from scratch and she has nothing interesting in her life. It only becomes a competition if you let it

Sorry, she won’t need your pity, she’s probably living a fuller life than your judgement allows .

Francestein · 24/12/2025 05:08

Feed them the premade and accept the farm veggies as a gift.