How to deal with my shopaholic mother at Christmas. Help!

[teachermum23]

Context: family of 4 (2 children 3&5). We have a home with enough space for us but not tonnes of extra luxury space I.e. no playroom. We love a high quality second-hand or new but minimal and environmentally friendly way of life. We buy our kids a small amount of things that they’ll really love and appreciate for Christmas/bdays. I really love shopping but choose very carefully and have an in/out policy so my house isn’t chaotic and cluttered.

My mum is a shopaholic: Vinted and Temu mostly. Every Christmas she asks us what to buy the kids and we say “one high quality gift from this list please.” The list has items from £5 to £50. Every year, she goes completely mad with gifts, buys multiple things from the Christmas list without telling us what, so that we get duplicates from other relatives and she is annoyed, and/or she completely ignores our requests and buys huge things not on the list. On top of this, we get many many small items that we don’t want: tacky plastic things, tiny toys, or decorative items I would not put up.

I am SO grateful for her love and care
for the kids and how much she just wants to show her affection to them. I am also fed up of not being heard or respected in terms of the way we live our lives. My husband and I have been reigning in how much we buy for our children in anticipation of how much she will buy l. There are loads of things that I would like to buy for my children and I’m stopping myself because I don’t want them to be inundated with stuff and be spoiled. We are not materialistic people and we don’t want them to be either. It is a values thing for us.

We have them coming to stay for Christmas in 2 days. We’ve just been over to celebrate a birthday and seen mountain of presents, including two enormous boxes - I mean - half the size of a Christmas tree. One of them had a post-it on it with my daughter’s name and “dolls house.” She stopped playing with a dolls house that we had previously got and I passed it on six months ago. There was no dolls house or any dolls house related items on our Christmas list.

I remember last year after Christmas having a session with my therapist and discussing this scenario, saying how I wondered if I were being ungrateful for being cross about it and my therapist Replied to me, your mum hasn’t listened to you again has she? It is an ongoing theme in our relationship.

I am just feeling so completely frustrated about this scenario. I have tried to explain to her so many times and I feel like she just doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do. I love her to pieces and my kids love her to pieces and obviously they love getting the gifts but it does not go with our family ethic the way that she shops and I hate everything about this scenario. I am feeling anxious about where I’m going to put the dolls house and whatever is in my son’s Giant box Along with all the many many small things, she will have all of them. I was feeling really relaxed about Christmas. I’m excited to host them and now I am dreading it. It is Spoiling Christmas for me.

Any ideas on this situation? What would you do? Please be kind - it is really difficult.

I don’t think there is much you can do about the gifts this year, but I would just take the unwanted plastic stuff to the charity shop after they leave and if she asks, say it broke.

For next year I would say via text (and so you have it in writing) that you are doing one gift per child, to cut down on the waste. Remind her again in September, and then again in November, all via written means. If she still insists on multiple gifts of tat, then at that point I’d probably be quite pointed and say that on Jan 1st it all goes to the charity shop. My mum is similar so I do sympathise but I tend to just get rid of some of it every time I go to the charity shop.

are You seeing a therapist because your mum likes to get your kids loads of stuff?

Op I can kind of relate. Both my parents and my mil just stuff our house with stuff. My parents dont expect us to be grateful but do expect us not to spoil their fun or buying stuff for us and mil also expects us to be grateful. The house is overflowing with clutter. We give a log of it away but then that's added work and stress when we are already overworked and stressed out.

I dont really have a good solution. I just had a massive argument with my sister today because she helped my mum pack some stuff to give my kids that I explicitly told them I don't want to have. Maybe like you what grates rhe most is not being listened to and being told im silly and overreacting. Anyway in my case my sister finally relented and removed half of the stuff but it's atill a lot but I'm letting it go now though I know dh will be annoyed. He hates clutter. I just wanted a peaceful christmas. Anyway apologies for ranting myself rather than offering useful advice but yeah I can relate and it sucks.

I am SO grateful for her love and care

Is it love and care though? ‘Love and care’ does not distress people, it doesn’t create the need for a conversation with your therapist, it doesn’t ignore your wishes.

I think you will have to meet in the middle - one thing is just not going to work for her

I think you have to sit her down in Jan and say Mum, I love you and I know you love us, but this is driving me nuts. I do not want loads of stuff that has to go to the charity shop, I do not want to contribute to killing the planet with plastic tat and I do not want things in my house to support slave labour (Temu) - so between us please can we find a middle way?

Hopefully she can buy some extras in the form of (Vinted) clothes and socks and whatever that will be a bit useful and keep her happy. Give her a list,

In the meantime ring up the Sally Army or one of the other charities that collects Christmas presents for kids and just take it all down there soon as poss.

Can you say ‘oh lovely, new toys for you to play with at Grandmas house’ and send her back with them? Be clear you’re grateful for them but you’ve not got space for the extra which is why you asked for one thing only, so they’ll have to stay at her house so the children can play with them when they come to see her? Once her house starts getting cluttered up with mounds of toys she might actually stop?

Can you insist that most, if not all of the gifts she buys for the kids, remain in her home?

I can relate to your mum in the sense that I use presents as a way of expressing love. Although I manage to restrain myself and don't buy tons, I can see how it's easily done. Trying to impose your values and taste on others doesn't tend to end well, there's a limit to what we can control and I'm sorry to hear this is bothering you so much.

Might your mum be open to spending a portion of her Christmas money on a charity toy appeal instead, if you were to suggest it and maybe go in on it with her? E.g. Nationwide where you can just give money, or Dunelm where you buy toys off a list?

My mum was like this with books- she’d ask for ideas then, instead of the one carefully-chosen book we suggested would buy a pack of 30 completely unsuitable books from a discounter, because she thought it was a bargain and the one book we’d asked for looked overpriced by comparison.

No advice to offer but sympathy.

Have you explained to your mother the level of stress it causes you rather than giving the ethical arguments? If you have then she is not being caring of your feelings and your mental health.
I have young grandchildren and can see how easy it would be to fall into this pattern except I hate plastic tat too. I have heard my daughter and understand the overwhelm of stuff so I mainly buy now in consultation with her and buy to fill gaps in ranges they have.
It does sound as if your spending philosophy is very different from hers and as she is older than you and her habits are more entrenched she might not find it easy to change. She needs to see that the enjoyment for her of handing over lots of tat, and the short term pleasure of the children at being given it is outweighed by the hassle and stress to you. I have no helpful suggestions for how you get this message through though.

My MIL is like this, although not so much the plastic tat - they're very wealthy so it's more like, a dozen jelly cats being gifted at a time when we go for a random visit, despite us pleading not to buy more cuddly toys because we have loads already. Or she'll come to visit and bring an entire bag of books (for a toddler), like 15-20, all themed around one particular thing. There has literally never been a time that we've seen her since our DC was born that she hasn't presented us with several presents. We live in a tiny house and just don't have the space. I've made her keep some stuff at her house (but we live hours away and don't visit frequently so in effect that just means my kid doesn't really get to play with the stuff). I don't have a solution but you sound a lot like me in terms of values and I appreciate how hard it is - I hate not having any control of the vast amounts of stuff entering our house, even if it's good quality / luxury. My MIL also uses gifts and money as a form of control and I feel an innate need to try to protect my DC from that, from being bribed into giving affection or made to feel obligated when they're older. And yes, I have spoken to my therapist about this too!

Sending sympathy as I could have written this myself. It’s actually really upsetting to be ignored over and over again. I’ve come to the conclusion my mother does have a shopping and gift addiction and nothing I say will change it. Like you, I hate the waste and the tat and the clutter, but most of all it just feels so selfish on her part that her desire to buy and buy, trumps my wishes every time. But then I come back to the addiction mentality and have to deal with it. I hate it

Don't show her the list. Tell her one thing. If she duplicates what others have bought, keep their gifts not hers and tell her why, if she complains. It sounds like you are scared to say no to her.
Definitely leave stuff at her house for the children to play with there.
What I do is, my dd gives me suggestions for the boys. I buy one toy, a book and an outfit to wear. I let my dd know what I've bought to avoid duplicates and no-one gets stressed. Could you suggest that option?

how does she get from her house to yours? If she drives, when she starts unpacking the car, you could just stop her and remind her you said one present each per child, so she can choose to bring one present into the house only for Christmas day. Everything else has to stay in the car and go back to her house where the dc can open it and play with it there.

you need to hold your boundaries, at the moment she is trampling all over them. The only way to hold boundaries with a trampler is to push the pain back onto them, so they understand that your boundary is an actual boundary and not just a suggestion they can ignore

I agree with PP, tell your DM one gift can stay at your house and the rest all live at her house to be played with when the DC visit.

Obviously it will be too late for this year, except perhaps for leaving some toys at her house, for future visits. In the New Year, sit down with her and explain rationally and kindly about how stressful it is. I would suggest to her that she pays for outings as gifts, Panto, theme parks. Castles etc. She could come too! As they get older the children will really appreciate this and thank her for it. My Grandkids now 19 and 21 still talk about the great days out.

Oh you have my sympathy. We've been here as all the parents tried to a) outdo each other and b) spent on the grandchildren the way their own parents could have never afforded.
Due to the emotional baggage behind it, it was near impossible to tackle til DC got older and toys weren't wanted any more.
I used to intercept them at the door, hide the gifts and then edit them hard. The charity shops were all happy with new in box that time of year. But I got eaten alive in here for that, and it always upset DH even though he fully agreed with it.
We tried everything, nothing could shop their shopping.

Would she agree to buy tickets for a panto/santa experience/ something the children would enjoy? Or give vouchers for shops.

I have tbis same issue wth my sil. Feeling extra stabby this year cos of all the christmas outfits shes dumped on me already. And the other stuff she thought i might want to give them from us 'to save money'
Plus the fking giant plastic nutcracker ornament she decided we needed. 🤬🤬🤬🤬

Following for ideas cos d fking h defends it all.

@ Hairgician -
Such a pity that your DCat/ DH/DC knocked over plastic nutcracker ornament and it got broken and you had to throw it away!

As for the OP’s problem, tell your DM in words of one syllable: we do not have room for loads of tat. Ask her for one toy and one book, and say if she wants to get anything beyond that, it has to be panto tickets. My DD lives in a very small flat with her two DC - obviously as Grandma, I want to spoil them, but I am very mindful of space, and I also know my DD is ruthless - if I were to give her DC “plastic tat” it would be gone before the New Year. If your DM is desperate to buy lots, then ask for useful things like pyjamas and socks.

My MiL is similar. We are going to go to the in-laws house and the children can open their presents there. We are going to say that we will leave the presents in their house for the time being, so that the children aren’t overwhelmed with lots of new stuff all at once. We’re hoping the toys will just stay there permanently to be honest but if we do need to bring them back home I will be donating anything we don’t want to keep for whatever reason. I am in a Freecycle group where people pass on things all the time and I have a bag behind the couch where i put things to go to the charity shop. I don’t think people like this ever change. My MiL has a shopping addiction. It’s dopamine seeking behaviour and it’s not for the children, it’s to satisfy a need in herself. That’s my opinion anyway.

I also feel worried that the children will be spoiled and guilt about the massive amount of tat but she won’t change. She gets very upset and insulted if we suggest she cuts down on all the stuff she buys for the children

Yes!!! Its the same with sil - dopamine seeking. Everyone comments she has a problem but no one ever calls her out on it.

I currently have a bag with most of the christmas outfuts hiding in car boot til i get rid. Ive gave what i think will get the most wear to dc.
Could you do that?

This is exactly what we did when MiL and FiL kept buying huge toys for DC. We literally didn't have the room to keep storing them. Funnily enough when we did that with a goal post they'd bought for ds they'd already got rid of it when we visited a month later and we never saw it again. 😅 They have stopped buying huge things since then, so maybe try it with you mum? Or accept that the function of her giving a gift has been served and then regift to charity? (this is what I've become better at doing and it does help).

Why not suggest to her to buy tickets for the Panto or an execution day out at a child’s theme park instead of gifts. Tell her straight that all the stuff she buys goes straight to the charity shop and she’s wasting her money.

Her feathers might feel ruffled but she will enjoy the time spent together more.

Might your mum be open to spending a portion of her Christmas money on a charity toy appeal instead, if you were to suggest it and maybe go in on it with her? E.g. Nationwide where you can just give money, or Dunelm where you buy toys off a list?

What a good suggestion, I did not know they were doing this, thanks for highlighting it.