Context: family of 4 (2 children 3&5). We have a home with enough space for us but not tonnes of extra luxury space I.e. no playroom. We love a high quality second-hand or new but minimal and environmentally friendly way of life. We buy our kids a small amount of things that they’ll really love and appreciate for Christmas/bdays. I really love shopping but choose very carefully and have an in/out policy so my house isn’t chaotic and cluttered.
My mum is a shopaholic: Vinted and Temu mostly. Every Christmas she asks us what to buy the kids and we say “one high quality gift from this list please.” The list has items from £5 to £50. Every year, she goes completely mad with gifts, buys multiple things from the Christmas list without telling us what, so that we get duplicates from other relatives and she is annoyed, and/or she completely ignores our requests and buys huge things not on the list. On top of this, we get many many small items that we don’t want: tacky plastic things, tiny toys, or decorative items I would not put up.
I am SO grateful for her love and care
for the kids and how much she just wants to show her affection to them. I am also fed up of not being heard or respected in terms of the way we live our lives. My husband and I have been reigning in how much we buy for our children in anticipation of how much she will buy l. There are loads of things that I would like to buy for my children and I’m stopping myself because I don’t want them to be inundated with stuff and be spoiled. We are not materialistic people and we don’t want them to be either. It is a values thing for us.
We have them coming to stay for Christmas in 2 days. We’ve just been over to celebrate a birthday and seen mountain of presents, including two enormous boxes - I mean - half the size of a Christmas tree. One of them had a post-it on it with my daughter’s name and “dolls house.” She stopped playing with a dolls house that we had previously got and I passed it on six months ago. There was no dolls house or any dolls house related items on our Christmas list.
I remember last year after Christmas having a session with my therapist and discussing this scenario, saying how I wondered if I were being ungrateful for being cross about it and my therapist Replied to me, your mum hasn’t listened to you again has she? It is an ongoing theme in our relationship.
I am just feeling so completely frustrated about this scenario. I have tried to explain to her so many times and I feel like she just doesn’t care. I don’t know what to do. I love her to pieces and my kids love her to pieces and obviously they love getting the gifts but it does not go with our family ethic the way that she shops and I hate everything about this scenario. I am feeling anxious about where I’m going to put the dolls house and whatever is in my son’s Giant box Along with all the many many small things, she will have all of them. I was feeling really relaxed about Christmas. I’m excited to host them and now I am dreading it. It is Spoiling Christmas for me.
Any ideas on this situation? What would you do? Please be kind - it is really difficult.