AIBU to not want to never have a Christmas with my son again

[SaffRose]

So my ex and I have been doing alternate years for Christmas for years. One year he has DS Christmas wee and I have DS new year week, then the other way around the next year etc. It has always worked and my our DS has always been happy with it. This year is supposed to be his year and I started a new job on a set shift pattern. Originally in my interview they said I would be working Christmas this year and have new year off, which worked out great since it was his year to have DS for Christmas anyway. Because it took so long for my DBS to come so delaying my start, my rota now shows I will be off Christmas this year and working new year. If he still has DS this year, that means I will never get a Christmas with DS again. That’s because next year I would be working Christmas so still wont get to have DS then the next year will be ex’s year again. I asked work about changing it but they said they can’t as that would mean changing the rotas of other staff which isn’t fair and I completely understand that. I spoke to my ex and asked if it was possible to reset the alternating years so I get to have DS this year instead since i’m off, and he has him next year. I said I understand that does mean him missing this year and it sucks but if not it would mean I miss every year, which is unfair not just on me but also DS. When I ask he avoids the question no matter how I bring it up. AIBU? Also it is not possible for us to do Christmas all together.

Why does it have to be the whole of Xmas week? Can you not do a mix of Xmas eve, Boxing Day etc. Even for just this year?
From his dads point of view it does mean 2 years in a row without a Xmas with his son.
How old is Ds and what does he thinks.

Maybe offer the alternative as well as what you're currently offering - he has DS this year and next year in order to facilitate the reset. He might be more receptive to that since it's your job that's the reason a reset is needed at all, I can understand why he might be thinking "why is it me who has to miss out when it's your job that's the issue not mine?"

And put your foot down about having the conversation, Christmas is in a few weeks he can't just ignore it.

Can you suggest another alternate ex has him this Christmas and next and then alternate (I appreciate that you will miss a Christmas but at least you'll be back on track there after).
Ex probably feels hard done to as presumably you had dc last Christmas and your ex hasn't chosen to change things you have.

If you are going to be in this job long-term I think it might be better to be the one missing out on a Christmas. Ask him can he have him this year and next and then reset the rota the following year. Not easy for you I know.

@Smartiepants79we don’t live close to each other so that is too much back and forth for DS which is why we do the full week

So someone has to have 2 Christmas days without DS and you imply the only option is for dad to take the hit, even though your change in circumstance has caused the issue. If you go 2 years without then the rota resets? You would need to take the sacrifice imo

You don't need to never have Xmas with him again, but one of you needs to have two years in a row to align things with your job. Since you had last year, offer your ex this year and next year. It's not really fair that he should be the one who misses out, when it's your job change that's caused this.

@Pluckmeoutbluemoon@purplecorkheartIt wont work that way. My job is care and alternate years. The way the rota works is that One year I work christmas week and have new year week off the next year I am off Christmas week and work new year. That’s just the way they do it. So if he still has him this year whilst I am off, it would mean next year is my year to have him but i’m working so then the year after is his year but I am off and clearly he wont budge so I just wont ever have him.

The suggestions the other posters have given is that your ex has ds for Xmas this year and next year but you have him the year after. Will your ex accept that?

@DNAHOYThere’s no need for the attitude. I honestly didn’t think of that. At the moment I am in a state thinking i’m never going to have my son for Christmas again and with a lot of other things that have been going on with his dad, this was honestly the last straw so I didn’t think of the alternative you suggested. I wasn’t ‘implying’ anything. I just didn’t think of it because I was in a panic

I would give ex this year and next and see if he’ll alternate the year after.It means 2 Christmases without ds but hopefully ex will agree to change.

Have you actually asked?
If you've asked "can I have DS Xmas this year, to reset the schedule" then I can see why he'd be pissed, you're asking for two years in a row (as you had last year) and changing his Xmas plans very shortly before Xmas.

If you asked "would you be able to have DS next year as well as this year, to reset the schedule" then the answer might be different!

Can you change your job? The years fly by with children and it won't be long before he is independent and wanting to see his friends.

Your long-lasting relationship with him is what matters most.

Is it really that rigidly planned already for all future years, when they already changed which part of xmas and new year you work once, before you even started there?! I fear that even if you get your ex to fit in with the plan, it could well change at some point

This. It's not fair on your Ex otherwise.

I guess your ex will also need to have him for NY this year as you'll be working.

Thank you for the suggestions. I honestly wasn’t thinking straight and panicking thinking I was never going to have my son for Christmas again so I just didn’t think about me just missing the next 2 years. I wasn’t trying to imply he should draw the short straw, it was just the only thing that came to my head when I was panicking about it and him avoiding even talking about it at all. I’m fine missing 2 years if thats what needs to happen. I’m just completely stressed with a lot of things going on with his dad this year. I’ve had to put him on collect and pay with CMS with him stopping paying and lying to CMS that he has him more than he does. That was obviously disproved and they’ve accepted the collect and pay but it’s just been a whole stress along with his mum bullying me and now resorting to making digs at our son which my ex wont address. This was just the last straw and I wasn’t able to think properly about it

Just celebrate Christmas during your week? My husband's job means we have to be creative about Christmas and Easter dates. The children don't mind at all.

@WhatsForDinner100 I have literally just started this job leaving a job that was paying very little and I was barely seeing DS or making enough to get by so no. It took a long time to even get this job

You could take it to court for a specific order to request the change. If there are other issues going on with your ex perhaps you need to go back to court anyway.

Rather than ask ex to miss Christmas this year, ask to pick up DS earlier so he has some time with you whilst you are off work and offer for him get back those additional days at Easter or the Summer holidays.

Is your Xmas swapping court mandated? If it is an informal agreement I would tell my ex either he agrees to your proposal or he takes your son for xmas and next Xmas and you take new year next year again. If you absolutely can’t alter the rota with your ex, I would actually push this back on your work. You were told you would be working Xmas and have new year off. You have therefore planned on that basis and are therefore absolutely not available at new year. You are happy to work Xmas as was communicated to you. I’d explain about the arrangements with your ex and personally, I’d explain it was a resigning matter if there is nothing they can do as you are not willing to never have Xmas with your child again. Realistically, I just don’t believe they can’t find someone willing to make the swap Xmas week for new year week. Offer to find someone yourself if it helps.

@RandomMessWe never went to court to begin with. DS is 9 and we have always had the arrangement he has him long weekends, although I have always pushed for more on his shifts that he finishes work early but he says no. He’s the type that if I said to him to no longer have him every weekend and only every other weekend (not that I would) he would jump on that apart from the fact that he would have to pay more maintenance. Everything had been fine up until this year when he started to decide when he wanted to pay and even told cms that he had our DS more than he does which is untrue. I also always have to push him to have him during school holidays. He claims he can’t book the time off because too many people are off in his work but it’s because he leaves it until last minute despite me always telling him at the start of the school year when the school holidays are or he could even look on the school website. Unfortunately I can’t afford to go to court and due to my wage I wouldn’t get legal aid. So it’s just all relying on him actually doing what he says he will do. It’s fine though, from what people have suggested here, i’ll miss this year and next year which is fine ( I didn’t think of it prior to this post) and then i’ll be able to have him 2027 Christmas

Well if it’s not court mandated then you can check what DS wants and just say no and see if he takes you to court?

Hopefully you have had a record of all overnights to disprove his claim to CMS.

Court doesn’t need to be expensive, you have to do mediation first and you can self represent.

Presumably your ex does the pick up and drop offs? It’s very sad your ex doesn’t want to spend more time with his son.

@RandomMess Yes CMS asked me to show evidence of all overnights between July and October so it disproved his claims. They put him on collect and pay for missed payments but I don’t actually receive the first payment for that until end of December as it takes 3 months to set up. Even when he does have him I ask DS what he did over the weekend and he just says he played games on his phone whilst daddy watched football. It’s sad. He does do the majority of the drop offs and pick ups as his DP drives. He has a DD with her and another due soon. If he’s barely spending anytime with DS when he’s there at the moment I hate to think what it will be like when the new baby arrives. I’m bot the type to stop him seeing him because there is not abuse and that would also devastate DS because although he doesn’t do much with him, he loves seeing his dad

Are you sure someone in your new workplace with the same job won't bite your arm off to do a late swap and have Christmas?

It must be so hard not having your DC on Xmas day and I fully sympathise with any parent in that situation. The only decent thing my shitty exh ever did was to agree I would always have DC on Xmas day and he'd have Boxing day. I know he only agreed because he didn't want expense of making stockings and cooking Xmas dinner but I was so grateful I used to send across cold turkey wrapped up in foil with DC for their Boxing day meal at his after he gave them food poisoning after the first Boxing day he had them. My DC are all grown up now but youngest still comes to me on Xmas day and both ds's go to his on Boxing day. I dread to think what DC would have missed if he had them Xmas day and didn't make them a stocking and Xmas dinner. He's big on shop bought buffet food which is fine, but not really for Xmas day.