Parents alone for Christmas

[labubu22]

My parents have moved further away in recent months and still getting settled. Naturally the topic of Christmas has come up recently and I asked if they would like to come to our house this year. I was told no. They then suggested we go to theirs but there is no space there for the kids to play without getting in the way, we’d be leaving the dog as well.
On previous years when we had visited them on Christmas day they have subtly removed the kids toys that Santa brought as they were too messy, noisy or might damage the furniture and replaced them with the gifts they had bought until we left. There would be not enough space for dinner as they only have a small table with two chairs.
My parents don’t like driving so we thought that might be the reason so my husband said he’d go down collect them Christmas morning and then drop them home Boxing Day but again they don’t want to do that.
Now I’m feeling guilty because they won’t have anyone else visiting them whereas we live close to dhs side we will see them over Christmas Day. DH said that’s all I can do. I will visit them before Christmas but I’m more concerned about the day itself.

They won’t be alone though as they have each other. Plenty of people spend Christmas together in a household of 2.

Just leave them be. They don't want to come. Their choice.

Just pop round for a couple of hours then spend your day at home?? They have plenty of options to see you but maybe they are happier on their own?

They've had an invite, so they've had a choice.

DD was away with BF last Xmas, you never know if my Mum is coming or not, so last Xmas looked like it'd be just us on our own - it really didn't worry me and to be honest it's a lot more relaxing!

You've given them an option, they don't want it, they want the other option that suits them and not you.

They're not alone and have made a choice.

How are they alone though? They have each other. It is an insult to people who are actually alone, by themselves, and with nobody at all.

They moved not you. Part of that is it’s not easy to pop in. They only have two chairs. They don’t like the children’s noisy toys. You have invited them and they have said no. Not much more you can do. They have made their choices.

You've offered to have them, you've offered to collect them, and they've said no. Maybe they find being around excitable DC too much for the whole day? Anyway, they chose to move further away, they have turned down your invite, and you are entitled to turn down theirs if it doesn't work for you.
Can I ask, how old are they?

This. They don't want the noise and mess and travel. Let them enjoy xmas together in their new home.

@DelphiniumBlue they’re in their 60s

That’s that then. You don’t have to spend Christmas together or make sure they see people.

It’s fine. They are adults, competent to make choices and live with the consequences of them. They may find they love spending Christmas together alone, and do that every year from now on. They may not enjoy it, in which case, they’ll make different choices (family, friends, volunteer, go abroad… ) in future.

They had free choice over a few things and made their decision, they chose to move away and don’t want to drive or be driven to yours. They must know their home isn’t big enough to host and sorting care for dog over Christmas is likely difficult.
They are probably quite happy to have a relaxed Christmas with just each other.
Don’t stress about it, it sounds like they’re not and that’s great.

We are spending Christmas alone will be 2 +dog , our Dc are with various in laws, we are looking forward to it. Honestly your parents want to spend Christmas is their new house they will be fine.

They’ve respectfully declined so you need to respectfully accept. Plus your kids only get so many Christmas’ to play with noisy toys and be excited and loud and messy so prioritise that this year and see them another time.

They're not "alone", as already explained.
They don't want to come.
You do know, OP, that lots of people just enjoy a day of peace & quiet, with the door firmly locked to any visitors?
It's all good.

My own parents are also in their own house ,mum isn't capable of cooking/hosting big dinners now she hates any help in her kitchen , they don't want to come to us, so we will pop some turkey in and let them do what they want.

Sounds like they're looking forward to a nice quiet Christmas in their new place after all the stress of a house move.

You've invited them, they've politely declined. No need to feel guilty.

My parents hosted Xmas every single year for decades, four kids plus elderly parents plus various other people. Then one year all the kids were off travelling or with partners, and it was just the two of them. They still talk about that xmas and how bloody lovely and peaceful it was!

Lol, so now we have to consider couples as alone at Christmas?

Also, the way you talked about your parents makes them seem old, when they are only in their 60s.

Leave them alone.

I think they will be perfectly happy with a quiet Christmas from what you have written. You have given them the option. You have no reason to feel guilty.

I think they’ve made it very clear to you that they want to be in their own home and that they don’t enjoy the natural noise and excitement that consumes with children at Christmas.

They’re not on their own; there are two of them. And it sounds like they’re planning on having a Christmas that makes them happy. And even it gets to the point in 25 years where one of them is on their own, they’re probably still going to prefer Christmas in their own home, without any noise or excitement. That’s ok. Your idea of a lovely Christmas is not their idea of a lovely Christmas. Good on them for having the courage to say ‘No thanks, we’re doing what suits us from now on’.

It’s natural to be sad that you won’t be spending Christmas with them this year but I think you need to accept that this might be the way they prefer to do things from now on. You have your own husband and children now and can choose how you spend your Christmases. They have the right to do the same, so let that feeling of guilt go, because this is what they want. And of course it’s sad for you that you and your family aren’t their first choice. But it’s better to know that you’re having a lovely day with your plans, and they’re having a lovely day with their plans, rather than trying to force them into it out of misplaced guilt, knowing that they don’t want to be there and that they can’t wait to get home to have the peace and quiet that they really want.

To be slightly harsh (but honest) you are generating the guilty feeling yourself, it doesn’t mean you should feel guilty. Feeling guilty won’t hurt you, they don’t want to come to yours you don’t want to go to theirs. You are both doing what makes you happy. Unless you think their needs trump yours, in which case - they don’t I can assure you and you probably need to unpack why you think that.

Is this issue really that you worried about them being "alone" or is it that you will be seeing DH's parents and not yours.

Does really seem like they want to spend xmas day with you, so dont think you have anything to feel guilty about.

Why are you feeling guilty? They don’t want to come.

This ^
don't feel guilty you offered them any possible help if it’s needed. Enjoy your full of toys Christmas.