A whole new Christmas

[Blueyrocks]

I know Christmas can be a very difficult time for lots of people, and I know how very lucky I am to have my kind, generous DH and our three beautiful, healthy young children to share it with. I've been reading other threads today, about people struggling with devastating grief, or aging, unwell parents and in-laws, or loneliness - and I hope that I don't sound oblivious or entitled or anything like that. But

The Christmases I have been used to until recently have been big - lots of extended family, everyone from babies to grannies, and a huge feast on the day, plus Christmas Eve parties with more family, and friends and neighbors, and Boxing Day follow-up feasts for anyone who's still around. The absolute works, like what you see on TV, except that everyone was typically blind drunk (and a few would have added drugs to the mix) there would invariably be at least one fight (as in, physical fist fight - plenty of angry shouting matches of course as well), someone would always be crying by Christmas evening. So, in actual fact - these were scary and really dysfunctional. I know this. I would hate for my children to experience that.

But I feel really sad, and sort of guilty somehow, that I can't recreate the big family Christmas for my kids. My generation of my own family have either opted out, like I have, and have their own small Christmases with their partners and kids, or they've hung on, and seem to be sinking into repeating the same pattern on a smaller scale - drunk, on drugs, and fighting, just with fewer people around (and, thankfully, no children).

I don't live anywhere near my own family, or my in laws (a conscious decision, which has been such a good thing for us).

So, what I'd really appreciate from you all, is just some ideas on what a nice, normal, gentle, magical Christmas looks like for your kids, or looked like when you were a kid, if it was just you, siblings, and mum and dad. DH didn't have this either, for unrelated reasons (functional but tiny family which didn't celebrate Christmas), so we'd love some ideas.

They're too young to have clear ideas for themselves of what they want from Christmas, beyond 'presents' and 'sweets'. And I don't want it to amount to just a huge pile of presents on Christmas morning. Ideas I've had so far:

• making lots of the Christmas food ourselves, like mince pies and the cake, so that they can enjoy the baking days as well as the eating
• going for a walk to see the lights on our street
• going to the theatre and then out for pizza
• agreeing as a family what we'll eat for Christmas dinner (as in, deciding it year by year, instead of just sticking to turkey and stuffing because it's what's done).
• A Christmas film with hot chocolate (if we can get consensus on one, which I doubt!)

Any other ideas would be really helpful. Especially I'm thinking about generally how to plan out the whole "twelve days" thing, so it doesn't just feel like any other holiday but cold and dark. And also how me and DH might be able to add anything special for ourselves, with no childcare or support.

I know this all prob sounds so basic and silly, but the absolute chaos of my own Christmases is all I have to go on, and I don't want any repeat of that.

Complex Families of Origin for both me & OH.

Many years of just the 4 of us..And more than happy with that.
Im often working xmas, but if not we try to go away for a few days over the holiday period.

We don't always have a big dinner, because no one is really that bothered.
This year we're getting Indian takeaway xmas eve and heating it through xmas day. I suppose our tradition is 'picking the dinner'

We try to get to the cinema (or theatre, but that's sooo expensive these days 😭)
SpongeBob Movies this year.

Switching on of local lights is a nice evening out, hot choc and a doughnut from a truck.

Run up to christmas, make biscuits to hang on the tree (or ice ikea ones), paper chains, ikea gingerbread house.

Christmas Eve, a trip to see the reindeer (anywhere with deer you can look for, run off steam). Crib service at your local church- usually child friendly retelling of the nativity story, sometimes raucous and party like, other times atmospheric with candles. Home for homemade soup and good bread, spread the reindeer dust then off to bed. Leave stockings and a cookie out for Santa.

Christmas day, come downstairs and see if Santa has been. Open stockings together. Play with stocking toys. Breakfast something a bit different but easy, we often have croissants, Buck’s Fizz. Church (if you do it really helps fill the day). Open one present, have Christmas lunch, clear up then open the other presents. Christmas TV, Christmas pudding, bed!

Boxing Day go for another big walk somewhere, hot chocolate. Open presents from everyone else- aunties, friends etc. this can last a couple of days if you have lots.

Good luck, OP. Christmas can be great when you get to set the pace and don’t get tied up with meeting everyone else’s plans!

These are lovely, thank you both so much!

@SuperSharpShooter We've already booked the theatre, and yes- pricey!! But it's a show that's got brilliant reviews and hopefully worth it.

@PrizedPickledPopcorn reindeer dust! I'd never heard of this, how adorable! Will definitely be doing that!

lots of only children with only children our families, so we have never had a large family Christmas. Most years there have only been three of us. Tbh I don’t think we have done anything any differently from larger families, it’s much the same, but on a smaller scale and without the agro that can come from a larger group of people. Just two of us this year.

In the run up to Christmas we made putting up the tree an occasion. Trip to the theatre to see a ballet, NT light trail, go to see Santa and other local paid for activities. Local free activities such as Christmas Fayres, light switch on etc. trips to garden centres to see the decorations. Walk around the neighbourhood looking at decorations/lights (played counting game for who could see the most). Basically one activity out of the house a weekend. Making decorations, watching Christmas films, listening to Christmas music, reading festive books.

Food planning and making some treats.

Christmas Eve was food prep and then a lunchtime trip to the pub. A quick and easy dinner and then a Christmas film. Twas the night before Christmas for DC. I still like to read it myself.

Christmas Day, opening presents, getting ready for the day including a nice bath or shower. Dog walk followed by a late breakfast or brunch. Played games/prepared food to eat once it got dark so we could eat by candlelight and fairy lights. A film or TV festive offerings.

Boxing day a day of laziness after a walk. We used to go to the coast, but stopped that when the world and his wife decided to do the same. Bubble and squeak for lunch and left overs for dinner followed by sweet treats.

The rest of the Christmas period we would play by ear tbh. Sometimes I would cook something a bit different, we watch TV, play with games/toys, perhaps catch up with people, but more in a coffee/mince pie type of way rather than anything more demanding, or catch up with friends in the pub.

The few times we had a baby sitter for NYE we always said never again, so tend to just plan something nice to eat after DC had gone to bed. We do much the same now without DC.

After NYD, it was a gradual switch back to normality. I’d perhaps start to take some of the decorations down, but the tree remained up to around 12th night (depending on work schedules). Had a nice meal the day the tree came down.

@Allthings that all sounds lovely, and I do hope things like friends coming for coffee and mince pies happens, though I feel anxious about inviting anyone as I have this absurd idea that they'll all be at their own idyllic huge family gatherings for the entire two weeks 🤔

Eating by fairy light and candles sounds gorgeous!

Definitely won't be doing babysitter for NYE, but maybe we'll have a nice dinner and some fizz after bedtime 😊

Big family Christmases sound awful to me. We were always just us and Christmas has always been magical to me. I think that you always want to replicate the Christmases you had as a child, and feel sad or guilty if you can’t do that, but if your DC have never experienced that, they’ll grow up thinking that Christmases with immediate family only are the perfect way to do things.

A Christmas film with hot chocolate (if we can get consensus on one, which I doubt!) It doesn’t have to be just one film. Spread them out on Sunday afternoons in December. Everyone gets to choose one film, write it on a piece of paper and then pick it out of a bowl. And everyone has to watch it together so that everyone gets that family experience. Get some popcorn in and even make tickets if they’re of an age to appreciate that. You can ‘check’ the tickets as they come in the room, just like at the cinema. Turn all the lights off and just watch by fairy light.

If you have a real tree, take the whole family to choose it so everyone feels like they have their input. And make decorations together. Two paper plates and you’ve got yourself a snowman.

Bundle the DC up in warm clothes and drive round the area on a lights safari. Points awarded for the first person to spot a Santa on a ladder/dinosaur etc. Every town in the country has at least one family who go bonkers with lights.

Christmas Eve disco baths. A pack of glow sticks in a bubble bath and lights off. Christmas music playing.

Take your DC into pound land, give them a couple of pounds each and let them choose gifts for the rest of the family. They get to wrap them as well. Also, maybe buy a toy and donate it at one of the supermarkets so they get to understand the magic of giving.

@WilfredsPies all brill ideas, thank you! My kids will love the pretend cinema tickets. And the glow stick bath is amazing!

And I think you're totally right, whatever our childhood Christmas was is what feels right to us, so hopefully my kids won't feel they're missing out at all.

You make your own family traditions OP. That’s what matters.

Then in 25 years your children can come on here and worry that they can’t recreate for their children the cosy Christmas that they had.

There were some lovely ideas on this thread www.mumsnet.com/talk/christmas/5417776-christmas-with-only-immediate-family?utm_campaign=thread&utm_medium=app_share

OP, I completely feel you. We used to have huge family Christmases (although I’m sorry you had to deal with drunk and drug-induced chaos at times), but now ours are much smaller. My parents have just separated so we’re having to navigate that too, and I feel like all the magic is slipping away.

Activities we enjoy in addition to those already mentioned: build & decorate gingerbread houses, make pomanders (studding oranges with cloves, adding ribbon etc), dehydrating orange slices and adding them anywhere you can (on the tree, garlands, candle displays etc).

I also love attending or hosting a mince pie gathering; I’m sure lots of your friends would be available and would love to join in ❤️

Your suggestions are gorgous.

We are having a quieter than normal festive period this year (but still seeing family for Xmas dinner, and mine are coming to stay to "do a 'big Christmas' " nearer new year.

I have bought us all a new family game to play on xmas eve / xmas day evening / boxing day.

We will go to church on Xmas eve

We will make mince pies (many batches in December, I won't buy any!)

One of our Xmas eve traditions is sausage roll for xmas eve lunch.
We will have picky bits for xmas eve tea.

Will try and make time for a film with a glass of wine for me and DH

and plenty of family movies with the kids and hot choc if we have spare evenings in December.

Our traditions start well before Xmas...
In October we make our own Xmas pudding and mince pies

We always do a big light display the night before getting our tree.... which we pick ourselves from a local Christmas tree farm.... then decorate together

I love cooking and enjoy doing lots of baking with my kids.

Making a gingerbread house from scratch, takes all day, in the run up to Xmas.

We make our cake together, and kids ice it. We make biscuits, trifle, tiramsu. meringe etc etc

Festive period breakfasts include pancakes, waffles, croissants, pannetonne, smoked salmon and scrambled eggs etc, with juice, sometimes created into "xmas shapes"

I have Christmas plates which come out in December, and we all have our own Emma Bridgewater personalised Xmas mugs (Black friday sale) for our hot chocolate in movie nights.
We also have Xmas aprons for our Xmas baking!!
And Santa hats to wear when ever we want some more Xmas Cheer.

I also consider our school services and events to have become part of our Christmas traditions

Good luck making things that work for you. You are quite right that it is what you make it, and you can make it wonderful without hundreds of people

When I was growing up, it was four of us, plus one granny until I was ten.

I loved Xmas day. Presents, church, lunch and play with presents. There would occasionally be a drinks party at a neighbours house where the best thing would be crystal bowls of quality street.

Then as a teen, it was four of us plus my parents arguing. Every single year! Mum was menopausal though denies it now, dad was made redundant a lot in the 90s.

Then I kept going back every single year j until I was pregnant and said no more, Xmas is at my house now.

And it's been wonderful with four of us, plus a few grandparents. We don't do parties or anything.

Now DC are teens, we still do roughly the same things as we've done for ten years.

A walk on Xmas eve around our local cathedral city at dusk with a flask of hot chocolate and marshmallows outside the cathedral.
Then M&S for bargains!
Home, then beige food and Arthur Christmas which is acknowledged as THE ONLY acceptable film for Xmas eve.
Then we alternate miranda or gavin and Stacey Xmas special.

Xmas day was presents at dawn when DC were little, now they sleep in and couldn't care less! DH and I walk the dogs, shower and have champagne/breakfast.

Since covid we've had steak and chips for xmas dinner which is a revelation. (I do buy good fillet from the butcher, it still costs about £100!)

Then it's relaxing, trivial pursuit or cards against humanity with the DC.

Boxing day is the same.

We actively avoid parties or other obligations for ten days!