Excessive Gifting

[NPPUHinged]

Grandmothers go OTT on gifts for DC.

It's too much. The amount of presents makes 'santa' look tight. And it doesn't stop at Christmas. All throughout the year there are gifts. Not the odd book, I'm talking dolls, teddies, tat, clothes. DC has well over one hundred soft toys. Nearing two hundred if I hadn't thinned them out. If DC mentions something she'd like, she has at least two of said something by the end of the week.

I have tried to create boundaries, but they are trampled over. Here's an example; GGM took DC to town. I asked please do not buy a soft toy because I have bought one for a special occasion coming up. GGM agreed. DC didn't come back with a teddy, but she did come back with a dress, a notebook, pens, hair scrunchies and some other bits. You could argue that she didn't buy a soft toy!

I have attempted to make a rule that whatever is bought stays at their house. But when DC wants to bring it home, I become the bad guy if I say no.

I try to let it go. I reason with myself that it is not my place to say how they spend their money, but it's all so excessive and wasteful.

Any ideas how to navigate this excessive gift giving would be gratefully received.

We've had a similar problem over the years OP. It's a nice problem to have, as it comes from love. We've dealt with it in a few ways:

A bit of a "one in, one out" system. So when Nanny buys something, it either stays at Nanny's or the kids have to take something the next time they go round and that has to stay at Nanny's house. This has dramatically reduced the amount of in between stuff that's bought!

Before Christmas/birthdays, we have a massive declutter of toys ready for the influx. We involve the kids in the pre Christmas one and tell them that Santa needs some toys sending to him before Christmas so that he'll have enough to go round all the boys and girls in the world.

For Christmas/birthdays, we share lists for the kids with our wider families. This will have things they've asked for and things we know they'll love, but it will also have practical things like socks, pants, PJs, wellies, clothes in the next size up, waterproof trousers, coat, bedding and towels with their favourite character on. And ask for consumables - so sweets, biscuits, chocolates and also bubble bath, shower gel and bath bombs.
We get them to tell us what they're getting off the list and then when it's inevitably 80% of the list we tell them they can't buy "xyz" because there's nothing left for the other set of grandparents! 🤭
It does feel like stage managing at times!

Maybe suggest “experience” gift ideas instead? Tickets to a show or a special day out. My in-laws used to get us annual passes for the local zoo or annual cinema passes.

You're absolutely right - it is out of love, and I suspect gifting is their love language.

I do a good clear out due to birthdays at this time of the year as well.

I'm definitely going to stand my ground with one in one out. Hopefully this will help.

It is a 1st world problem to have I know. I'm really grateful that my child has people to love and spoil her. I just get overwhelmed by it all.

Yeah I’d hate this. It may come out of a kind of love but I have to say it also comes out of treating shopping and spending as entertainment. A child learning that someone who loves them demonstrates this by consuming overwhelming piles of things isn’t a particularly positive lesson imo. I’d worry about creating a long list for people like this, as they may buy the lot.

Could you have a delicate but serious conversation with the mad buyers? If not, then I agree that one in, one out is a good policy.

I'd really love this. We have requested vouchers instead of gifts in the past which has worked really well, but we still get a large bag of stuff to go with it.

I also feel it stops us from treating our DC because she has so much already. As much as they get joy from giving to DC, it takes it away from us as well.

I started asking for book tokens years ago. Or Waterstones gift vouchers (then as well as books you can buy small gift items for people you work with, board games etc). With the large plastic tat they wouldn’t ever take no for an answer about, I tended to let the kids get sick of it, then clean up and rebox it and give it to charity.

If the GMs want to give, maybe they could put money in a savings account for the DC? Of course they would still want to buy some physical gifts, but perhaps it would cut down on the stuff?

I would be looking for something very expensive that uses up all the tat money.

Leather hand bound first edition of Bunny vs monkey?

Special edition bike made of titanium?

You will also have to blunt/rude and gather up all the toys in front of them and say "these will be fab for the school tombola!"

It’s such a waste , I’d far rather they added to the kids savings than spending so much on dispensable toys

My in laws are the same, huge piles of presents, too many to even wrap, and mostly things I would never use. It puts pressure on others to feel the need to the same and gets too much. Can't stop them but it's so OTT!

Gift giving comes from a place of love but trampling all over your boundaries as a parent doesn't. Just say you're trying not to raise spoilt children and when they're being bought stuff on every outing that it's not easy. Just be firm, anything bought won't be staying in your house. It's your home, just say no. When it's Grandma's house filled with excessive kids toys perhaps she'll realise.

DP’s like this with dd. He missed a lot of this older children’s childhood and think he’s making up
for it. When he wasn’t working at the weekend he’d take her to the shops both days and buy her sweets, ice creams and magazines (with all the plastic tat) both days. Oh, and fizzy drinks. I try to limit her sugar intake to the weekend and this means I couldn’t buy her treats myself as he’d go overboard. He once bought her two large ice creams in one day and let her eat them, then wondered why she didn’t want dinner. And he’ll buy multiple of toys as well. 3 sets of nerf guns (for a singleton 3 year old - his older children are adults so not includeable in the equation) for Christmas being one such example.

And of course it’s on me to sort them out and get rid.

😂

Exactly!

I honestly think it's more about their pleasure than making DC happy. She seems to be so ungrateful now, and it's honestly not he fault.

Thankfully We've stopped doing the adult gift swapping. Takes so much pressure off.

I used to swipe toys that I knew DC wouldn't play with and pass them straight on to the charity shop. DC never noticed because she had so much. It's actually overwhelming for kids, I think.

I know it's a love thing, but you've hit the nail on the head. We're really struggling with DCs attitude towards 'stuff' and sense of entitlement. I don't blame DC at all, but it's hard to teach a child how to respect and look after things when it's all so disposable anyway!

They do lovely things with DC, such take her on days out, make cakes etc. I think this is far more important than giving in to her every want, or buying something just because DC might like it, or it was in the sale.

I feel your pain! Don't get me started on the sugar items!! I hate my DC drinking cola, and I'll only allow it at special occasions or as a big treat. They know this but give cans of pop all the time. And like you, we say no to treats because DC has already had a week's worth in an afternoon if she goes to their house. There has even been an incident of Coco pops for breakfast, with milkshake poured on top instead of milk! 🫠

I think my biggest struggle is the boundary thing. They have zero respect for our wishes and it really pisses me off!

I’ve implemented a strict “something she wants, something she needs, something to wear, something to read” in response to how my DN ripped through Christmas presents from my DM a couple of years ago. I was very firm with DM that if she broke this, the presents would go straight to the charity shop. To give her credit it did work. We also have a silly tradition on my side of the family that Grandparents do a stocking on NYD, I’ve said this has to be either consumables, bath bombs, pens, or useful like hairbands, pants socks etc, no more than 10 things.

For the “stuff” she insists on buying year round, I now manage this by specifically asking for things at regular intervals that she actually needs. For example, if I can see her school jumper is getting on the small side I ask DM if she could find one (usually on the pretence I can’t find one anywhere), it makes her feel useful and reduces the need to buy surplus tat.

World waste aside, this is it!

I feel I'm battling harder than I need to in order to teach DC lessons about money, respect of her things and appreciation.

This is how mental it is. DC has a favourite animal. We bought her said animal themed coaster to go in her bedroom for her drinks. (We were on holiday and GP was there). A few months later GP went away and came back with 4 more of the said animal themed coasters for DC!! What child needs 5 feckin coasters??!

Another time GP asked if DC needed new sunglasses. Within that week DC acquired 4 pairs of sunglasses from them!

It is truly excessive!

I know that you’re right, and I understand everything you’re saying, but I just can’t shake this feeling of envy. No one ever gives my kids anything.

I like your style!

I think I'd find it easier if it was my DM. She adored DC, but respected my wishes.

GPs are really generous. They often buy needed items which I really appreciate, and I'm 100% positive I'd only have to ask if DC needed anything. I don't though because I feel cheeky.

Same here, my family has stopped adult gifting and a certain amount on nieces and nephews. You're so right, the kids get far too many, so if not used put aside to recycle as presents or charity. I remember as a child to be over the moon for the couple of things I wanted and anything extra was a bonus but not necessarily used.

Hate the huge plastic toys in huge cardboard boxes just to unwrap for a moment of 'joy' then move on to the next hundred. Such a waste for the sake of it. I've witnessed one child say 'I'm bored and sick of unwrapping presents'. They really don't care, it's the parents who want to post on SM look what a good parent i am for giving so many.

Very sad, true meaning lost, not the fault of the kids they are being spoilt in a show off world so have no value for anything 😢

I could have written this OP. Drives me crazy. Following.

I understand this, and I was in two minds about how it would come across.

I am grateful and DC is very lucky. If it wasn't for DPs side, mine wouldn't have even half as much. I don't have much in the way of family, but a few good friends always make sure not to forget DC at birthdays and Christmas. These are token gifts, and I love them for it. It has way more value because of the reasons behind the gifts.

I think they will want to buy a physical thing for the children as children respond so much better to that than the promise of a day out or a voucher. I get that it strips joy away from you being able to treat the child though and you don’t want them to become ungrateful and wanting things all the time. I would suggest getting your child to start some kind of collection - the squishmallow card collectors album or something like that. Get them to get into something relatively cheap which they can get excited about. Then each time they pop to the shops with grandma the rule could be they can get a packet of these collectors cards for example, and a hair accessory. Explain to the grandparents that you’re worried the children are not appreciating items on special occasions and extra clothes/ toys are for Christmas and birthdays only.

maybe it would satisfy the grandparents urge to treat the child but keep it more contained?