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Original poster

How do you adapt to a change of Christmas routine when children grow up?

45 replies

Beautifulsunflowers · 21/10/2025 06:50

My ds and his girlfriend live with me 90% of the time. They stay at hers mums about once a fortnight.
They announced last night they are staying at hers mums mums on Christmas Eve and waking up there Christmas Day.
I’ve been a single parent to my children and their dad wasn’t around so I’ve always had a very traditional Christmas morning with them, and I make it as special as I can- stockings, including one for the girlfriend. A lovely breakfast etc
We all get on really well.

Im so upset he’s not going to be there Christmas morning. I understand he is an adult -23 and can choose where he stays, I accept that things change etc. But I’m still so upset. The Christmas I had planned in my head is not going to be the same. I cried so much last night. I’m tearful again now.

How do you cope with these changes as your children grow up and start making alternative plans?

OP posts:
EnjoythemoneyJane · 21/10/2025 06:58

Aww, I’m so sorry, OP, that’s hard.
Do you have any other children still living at home or will you be alone Christmas morning? And are they intending to come back to yours for Christmas lunch or stay at her mum’s all day?

GreenClock · 21/10/2025 07:02

I understand.

Maybe this is the year for creating new traditions of some kind. A “turning point” rather than the end of something iyswim.

Disturbia81 · 21/10/2025 07:04

Does he know you will be alone or does he think you’ll go to family/friends?

TheCurious0range · 21/10/2025 07:08

He's 23 plenty will have moved out at this age, look at it differently, you've had 23 years of his Christmas mornings, time for new traditions.

This year we're hosting my parents, PIL and my grandma. My brother and his family are going to SILs family. My mum is sad because it's the first year she won't spend Christmas day with all of her grandchildren, her eldest grandchild is ten! For my PIL this is only the second Christmas day they will spend with their grandson (DS), the other we also hosted. They've been fabulous and we usually go up and stay with them for a few nights from boxing day so whilst we don't often see then on the day we actually spend more time with them.

Meadowfinch · 21/10/2025 07:14

Could you invite the girlfriend's mum along as well? Is she on her own too? Could you serve a joint meal?

MyDeftDuck · 21/10/2025 07:27

Have you considered doing things differently yourself this year? Perhaps host a Christmas lunch for neighbours who are alone, volunteering at a local hospital, helping out at a local animal shelter?
I think we tend to get wrapped up in our own lives that we tend to think we’re being left out when someone makes a change to their plans as in your DS.
You can also host a special dinner when they return to your house.

Icanthinkformyselfthanks · 21/10/2025 07:49

@Beautifulsunflowers , I feel your pain and I remember all of the little tears from what was our norm along the way to my boys becoming men and building lives for themselves; each one was difficult.
All I can say is that I eventually became accustomed to the new normal. I shed many a tear in the process.
It does still make me sad if I reflect on those lost times but my sons are happy with families of their own and I am now a very proud nanny to 5 (six in January) beautiful grandchildren. My husband and I do still see our sons and their families regularly and we are grateful that they and their lovely wives want that. It’s good that your son’s girlfriend gets on with you, hopefully this will mean that they share their time between you and her family and if they are living with you, you are already lucky to be seeing them more often than her mum.
I hope that this doesn’t mean you will be alone on Christmas morning? In any case ask your son what would be a good time to have a FaceTime call with him so that you don’t miss out on seeing him completely. If you will be alone I think other posters have had good ideas in regard to volunteering or inviting lonely neighbours over, thinking of others is the single best way to divert our attention away from our own sadness.

watermybegonias · 21/10/2025 07:56

We create new memories and traditions. Some years we are here on our own, no children or grandchildren, but that's ok. I want them to have the Christmases they want, not a 3 line whip to ours, as we had with grandparents, back in the day. We will see them one day over the holidays, where possible, but it doesn't have to be Christmas day itself.

So now we book Christmas theatre trips, go and see a panto, have a Christmas meal out in the run up to the day. On the day itself we play Christmas music, go to church, do a jigsaw, go for a long walk and spend a lot less time in the kitchen!

If you are single you need to decide whether to embrace that, or do you need to be around people? Is there someone else who would like to buddy up? Is there a local Food Bank lunch or equivalent you can help with? Have a think and make a list. You can still have a good Christmas.

NConthe · 21/10/2025 08:26

This sounds like they’re coming back to you for lunch. If so, you’re overreacting. Don’t guilt trip them OP

RancidRuby · 21/10/2025 09:51

Will you be seeing him at all Christmas Day or is he spending the whole day at his girlfriend's mum's house? Regardless, he's an adult now so naturally Christmas traditions will change. When adult children get partners it's normal for them to split their time between both sets of parents at special occasions so inevitably at times one set will feel they are missing out, if they spend Christmas Eve and morning at yours then the girlfriends mum would probably be feeling as you are feeling now. It's ok to feel sad about this but keep it to yourself, allow yourself to have an inward mope about it then try to move on, your son hasn't done anything wrong.

noidea69 · 21/10/2025 09:54

Dont be that mother in law in who refuses to allow Christmas to be done any other way than her way.

CactusPat · 21/10/2025 09:55

Do you have other children OP? I guess if the girlfriend has been with you previously, it’s her mum’s turn now. Can you focus on the time they will be with you? (eg Boxing Day, New Year, whatever.)

NJLX2021 · 21/10/2025 09:56

I've not had grown-up children, but I have had Christmases where I've been unable, even if I would have liked, to be with my family. It is tough and I don't think I could ever not be saddened at all by it.

For me, in your case, my first call would be to ask if they are willing to do a "christmas" with you on another day. I wouldn't make it exactly the same as Christmas, but sometime before or after Christmas, do presents, a nice meal(maybe not turkey.. or what you normally have, good excuse to try something new), a nice walk or games, christmas music etc.

I'd rather be flexible with the dates and plans, but still get to do something with my family.

The only issue is that somtimes the inlaws can see this as stepping on their toes, ruining their experience - but there are ways of helping that. People are often less sensitive if your "christmas" is after theirs, so they get the "magic" of being first... and also making it not an exact copy of Chrismtas (no turkey etc.) makes people feel less insecure about their kids having another celebration.

Chiefangel · 21/10/2025 10:45

Could you just do another Christmas on Boxing Day? I know you’re feeling upset but make Christmas Day a new tradition for you and buy some nice treats in.

MaggieBsBoat · 21/10/2025 10:49

I do understand but please keep your feelings to yourself. My DH at 45 is still bound to his parents wishes for Christmas and it’s become awful for us as a couple. If your DS is in a relationship then there will always be things that his partner also wants and that must be prioritised. Now is the time to create new things for yourself.

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/10/2025 10:51

It's understandable to feel upset OP, but things do change as your children grow up.

You say "children", so I'm guessing your son is not an "only".

How many of you will be together for Christmas day?

Makingadecision · 21/10/2025 10:56

I understand. It is sad. I don’t see my adult dc together at Christmas ever now, it’s all complicated and taking turns with in-laws (quite rightly) but often the dil makes decisions that mean they spend more time with her family.
I don’t enjoy Christmas now and it feels lonely but I know that’s my problem and I need to find a way to be at peace with a different type of celebration.
Although my ds and his partner live with me currently they spend all the family occasions with her parents. I find it unfair but I am trying to be relaxed about it and not demand too much from them they aren’t willing to give.

JacknDiane · 21/10/2025 10:58

That does sound upsetting for you @Beautifulsunflowers, especially since you have them most of the time (and no doubt the mess and expense) but her mum seems to be getting the benefit at Christmas time.
I'd say dont let them see you upset and hold your head up. And maybe suggest they stay at her mums a bit more and you can get your own life again.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 21/10/2025 11:12

Oh for goodness sake, put on your big girl pants and a smile on your face. Many adult dcs will have long moved out and be forging their own way in the world with their own ways of celebrating things. Make your own life more interesting and stop having expectations of grown adults then you wont be disappointed. Your poor son probably knows you'll be like this and is likely quietly dreading you trying to persuade/manipulate them to do as you would like instead so make it easy for him and tell him you're pleased they're doing what they like and you'll just be grateful to see them whenever they're free over the Christmas period.

Tryingatleast · 21/10/2025 11:13

I’d say it’s horrible op- we’re at the end of Halloween this year- everyone is heading in different directions. You just have to take it as a different year, pivot a bit, and do what we usually do (not stress the kids out with how we feel!!). My mum tried to a hard to keep hold and everything felt it had to be done after instead of us wanting to. Try and remember it yourself and enjoy the other Christmas days with them and then plan a nice Christmas Day for yourself. They’ll possibly be back to yours next year too!!

Tryingatleast · 21/10/2025 11:15

Commonsenseisnotsocommon

That’s a bit harsh!! We’ll all think/ feel it, doesn’t mean op is guilt tripping her son

Original poster
Beautifulsunflowers · 21/10/2025 20:04

Thank you all for replying.
yes @Commonsenseisnotsocommonthat was a bit harsh! I have absolutely no plans to guilt trip anyone. I didn’t suggest in my op that I had any intentions of persuading or manipulating him to change his plans.

I was asking how others have coped with these types of changes. Thank you to all of you who have shared their thoughts and ideas.

OP posts:
Sunshineclouds11 · 21/10/2025 20:09

Abit different situation but my brother has spent afew Christmas' away from us due to work and he's always booked himself into a nice hotel Xmas Eve.

olympicsrock · 23/10/2025 06:27

Your sadness is understandable. You sound a lovely mum which is why DS and his partner are still there.

Do you have other children? Will you see this DS at all on Christmas Day?

TheBlueUser · 23/10/2025 06:55

This is exactly why I hate Christmas - there is so much pressure and someone always ends up upset. Your child is 23 fgs, kindly, I think you need to get a grip and accept he is an adult now, not a child.

I live abroad and I hate the pressure my family puts on me to come home for Christmas. I don't want to, I don't care for Chirstmas at all, but my mum would be like you if I said I wasn't coming. So every year I go, and I spend two weeks in a shitty mood because I am resentful I have been forced to come home via my mum guilt tripping me.

This is mostly me letting out my frustration, but I do think it's time you let go of childhood christmases.