How do you adapt to a change of Christmas routine when children grow up?

[Beautifulsunflowers]

My ds and his girlfriend live with me 90% of the time. They stay at hers mums about once a fortnight.
They announced last night they are staying at hers mums mums on Christmas Eve and waking up there Christmas Day.
I’ve been a single parent to my children and their dad wasn’t around so I’ve always had a very traditional Christmas morning with them, and I make it as special as I can- stockings, including one for the girlfriend. A lovely breakfast etc
We all get on really well.

Im so upset he’s not going to be there Christmas morning. I understand he is an adult -23 and can choose where he stays, I accept that things change etc. But I’m still so upset. The Christmas I had planned in my head is not going to be the same. I cried so much last night. I’m tearful again now.

How do you cope with these changes as your children grow up and start making alternative plans?

I’m in a similar position OP, my 20 year old DD is spending Christmas with her boyfriend’s family this year. She is my only child. However, although I’ll be sad not to see her at Christmas, I am absolutely delighted that she is growing and becoming more independent, and making her own choices. She’s had a rough few years with her mental health and addiction issues and is now coming out the other side. I am just happy to see her happy, that’s all I ever want for her. I will still have a nice Christmas visiting family, and will spend whatever quality time I can with DD during the run up to Christmas and the days after.

Perhaps you can reframe it in your mind in a similar way - your DS is growing and maturing and doing what makes him happy. Be happy for him and focus on doing something different on Christmas Day for yourself. You can still have a great time.

Yes.
At 23, I was out and "doing my own" Christmas - alone.
At 24, I moved to another country.
It's life.
Many times I have read how adult kids live at home and "whether their behaviour is normal" by their parents.
Look at the good points.

Christmas is not going to be the same as when they were seven when they are twenty three. Are you going to be by yourself all day?

If one of my friends told me that they had been crying because their 23 year old son wouldn't be at home on Christmas morning, I would think they had lost the plot. Just enjoy the lie in.

Christmas isn’t just one day, have them over for an evening meal on Christmas Eve, or have them over on Boxing Day. Be flexible, every year will be different.

Some harsh responses on here. Op hasn't said she's so much as mentioned aby sadness or disappointment to her son. She's allowed her feelings. And regardless of whether he was 17, 23 or 33 when Christmas changes it's going to feel sad. Let's give the op some grace right, and maybe don't project. Much better to express/rant/vent on an anonymous forum than express feelings to her son.
To op my children are still little so we've not reached this point yet, but I think it's a good idea to frame in your mind an every other year routine (hopefully they'll want to alternate ) and focus on making another celebration plan with them. You could potentially postpone Christmas day til boxing day and do it with them then, or do something like a panto and dinner? Talk to them about their wants/desires for it and come up with a plan that works for your family

So far we still do practically the same, except with more booze and different TV.

Let yourself be sad! As you say, it's a big change, your feelings are ok. You can even be open about that, once you have worked through those feelings a little more 'wow, my first Christmas without you here since you were born, this is a big milestone, I am going to miss you'. And only then can you maybe start to think about what it looks like in a different format - how Christmassy you want the day to be or not, what you want to eat, what you want to watch. Maybe arrange to do a meal and cocktails with them on Christmas Eve Eve to kick things off, or have a meal with them planned soon after. A plan will form once you let the feelings be acknowledged.

Ah bless, @Beautifulsunflowers I’d be sad too. I think we just have to be sad for a while, cry when we need to, but not let them see that. Don’t try to make alternative plans for a little bit because nothing will be appealing when you’re feeling this sad. Wait until it’s a bit less raw. In the meantime

Not quite the same situation but when I faced Christmas by myself for the first time I hated it. Everyone else had family and loved ones to spend it with and the images of people gathered round the tree, exchanging presents or the big Christmas dinner full of joy and laughter that I saw on TV made me feel even more alone. I actually love Christmas, it's by far and away my favourite time of year and I felt I'd lost something very special to me. That was a very difficult year.

I quickly adapted though, I realised I could still make Christmas special to me by making new traditions. I could also be a bit more selfish which goes against the spirit of the season but I can do the things that I want to do and either do them by myself or find others to share it with.

So the second year I made plans to go to the Panto with a friend in a city away from home, the third year we even made a weekend of it and booked a hotel room so we could take our time and enjoy the Christmas atmosphere. I now do this every year, somewhere new if we can or more local if money is tight. I also do it as close to Christmas as I can so I have something to look forward to.

I would still put up my tree and deck the halls so to speak, I go to John Lewis every year and buy one new "fancy" glass ornament to add to the tree, this year will be the 15th. I'd also buy my Advent calendar, I've tried coffee ones, hot chocolate ones, skin care, beauty, alcohol, jigsaws, scented candles etc....just for the fun of it. I purposefully do this by myself so I can take my sweet time deciding what to get, hot chocolate in Starbucks with a mince pie, wonder around the shops looking at sparkly things.....Joy, I'd have something planned for most weekends from mid november onwards and I'm not talking about huge events, meeting a friend for coffee or a bite to eat gave me something to do.

Christmas morning I would wake up, crank up the heating, make myself a hot breakfast, pop open the Bucks Fizz (no judgement please), watch the Snowman and relive the childhood memories and freely sing along to "Walking in the Air". Shower, dress, go for a morning walk if it's not raining, wish everyone I see a "Merry Christmas". Go home, call family, make dinner, watch a film and snuggle down. It's actually a very boring day from the outside but I love it.

Things changed when I met my partner but for those years I was alone I made Christmas special to me again.

I guess what I'm saying is, make the day what you want it to be, it doesn't have to be a huge family event. Reach out to friends or family who might be spending the day alone and see if they want company or plan the day around you. A few more years and the grand children will appear and your son and his partner will be banging at your door begging you to host Christmas!!!!

Just have Christmas on a different day. With family scattered across the country and a job where I worked Christmas Day for many years, we’ve always had multiple Christmases, not necessarily on 25th of December.

I might have read it wrong and OP hasn't confirmed, but I think her son might be coming for dinner, he's just not waking up at her house.

We just went with the flow, didn't get upset.

Things change, that's normal.

Christmas hasn’t been the same I since 2020. That year we had to isolate as my daughter had Covid. The following year my dad was unable to travel to us like usual and was diagnosed with cancer. The year after that mum died just after. In the meantime the children were growing up and got boyfriends and were spending time elsewhere.

This year will look very different to Christmas before 2020 and I miss those days so much. However this year one of my children has their own home so we may well go there and start new traditions!

I think Christmas highlights the circle of life as it’s a fixed point in the year for many of us and gives us a chance to see the changes in our families.

I feel for you, it’s really hard when there are other families to consider.
When it’s not ‘our turn’ to have our adult DC, we just shift Christmas Day to Boxing Day and keep everything else the same. I didn’t think they’d want a second Christmas dinner but they always do, even though I offer them an alternative.
It’s better for them not to be juggling visiting two families (3 in one case with divorced parents), have the full day with in-laws on Christmas Day then the full day with us on Boxing Day, including a festive breakfast.
When on our own on Christmas Day, we treat it like Christmas Eve. Litterally just shift everything by a day.

I've never had these types of feelings around traditions, I've always been highly aware that everything can and sometimes does change eventually and would hate for anyone to feel like they have to do something.

Seems like a perfect time to make different memories and traditions op and just enjoy when they do make their way back to you because you know it will be because they want to see and be with you.

Having come from divorced parents I had a number of years feeling torn and guilty about which parent I wasn’t with each year.
When I got divorced I vowed to do it differently. So instead of feeling sad not seeing the kids on Xmas day I just moved Xmas day.

We still do waking up on ‘Xmas’ morning and a lovely Christmas dinner, it’s just not on the 25th Dec.

the kids get to enjoy their Xmas with their dad and family, and enjoy their time with me. Because there’s no drama we all have a lovely time.

On the 25th I do what ever I please, it’s varied from drinks with friends, long dog walks, food prep to decorating but I don’t feel like I’m missing out because it’s my Xmas eve and the kids will arrive before bedtime and we’ll look forwards to our day.

Occasionally I’ve moved my day to the 27th even, it’s always felt special.

I hope your Xmas goes well however you decide to celebrate it

Just wanted to say thank you again for those posters who just get it, those of you who have said it’s ok to feel sad.
To those of you who have not been quite as kind, yes I know he’s 23!! I have never put any pressure on and never will, have always said that I would be okay with whatever they decide to do. That it’s their Christmas too. I just wasn’t accounting for my emotions!
It has been a few days now and I’m ok. Not made any alternative plans yet but we will.

I think it's a piss take they live with you 90% of the time but she's reaping the rewards on Xmas day!

That's really awful, OP. I would feel very hurt.

Do you have any other children? If so will they be at home for Christmas?

This is making me think of those dads who don't see much of their kids all year and then want them for Christmas Day.