Feeling a bit sad, please help cheer me up?

[Lemonflavouredcaterpillars]

Me and DH have young DC. We don’t have much local family, and the rest of our families live around 2 hours away in different directions. My DM is the closest nearby and she sometimes spends Xmas with us but she was with us last year so I think she will go to DSiS this year although they are always very last minute with their Christmas plans which means everyone else doesn’t know what’s going on. DSiS has a massive house but has never invited us for xmas despite living around 45 mins away, we used to be quite close but don’t see much of them now, they seem to prioritise seeing BILs side of the family at Xmas. They have my DSIS in laws every year so would never come to ours, they like spending Xmas at home.

MIL is awkward and won’t travel to visit or stay with us over xmas, we have invited them in previous years but she won’t drive or take public transport so DH would have to do a 4 hour round trip each way to get her and then her back. So usually we visit them for a couple of days either before or after Xmas and she spends the day with DHs siblings.

So usually we end up spending Xmas just the 5 of us and will probably be the case again this year. I just feel a bit sad. It never feels worthwhile to bother cooking a full Xmas lunch, the kids do eat it but without other family there it’s just like any other meal really and they won’t sit still etc. We struggle to fill the day to be honest. The kids are still hard work, they’re young and one has SEN, the baby will still need a nap. It doesn’t help that most people where will live have grown up here and spend the entire Xmas period doing family stuff with parents, cousins, aunts and uncles etc so there’s never any invites or uptake for play dates or outings with friends. The few friends we have locally who aren’t from here originally (like us) tend to go away to stay with family for the whole time, our best friends are away 23rd Dec-2nd Jan. Also I find now that almost every Xmas event is before Xmas, there is very little going on between Xmas and new years so I have a very long holiday to fill with the kids and not sure what to do.

Doesn’t help that it’s one of my DCs birthdays literally just before Xmas so I also have the dilemma of that, not sure what to do about a party because everyone will be busy with Xmas stuff, apart from us it seems. Anyone in a similar situation or have any tips about how to feel less sad about it? We just don’t do any family events or days out with anyone else yet everyone around us seems to be going to endless parties and gatherings and events etc. Is anyone in a similar position? How do you cheer yourself up about it, do you have any tips? I know some people might think it sounds blissful but at Christmas it just really feels quite lonely. I’d love to have big family gatherings or outings.

I just feel a bit sad. It never feels worthwhile to bother cooking a full Xmas lunch,

wtf? For your family…. Partner and three children?

bloody hell op. That is bizarre

Swings and roundabouts. Read some of the threads about nightmare families at Christmas. At least you like all of the four people you are spending Christmas with.

the Xmas - new year period is my favourite. So relaxed! Just sit around, eat Christmassy food and do what you like.

Why is it bizarre? The kids would rather have pasta or pizza, they won't touch stuffing or bread pudding or Xmas pudding or cranberry sauce or the extras that make it special for adults. It takes a long time to cook a proper Xmas lunch so I spend ages in the kitchen and then the kids eat the bits they like in 5 mins and then they're done, me and DH don't really get to relax or enjoy the meal because it's just like any other meal in that we're up and down getting the kids various things, one of them spills something, the baby lobs her plate, etc. There are no other adults to enjoy it with or to help share the load of the kids.. if we were with grandparents or other family then it would be different and more exciting for the DC. The kids just aren't that bothered about the meal itself - they will eat some turkey or chicken and a couple of potatoes, maybe a few carrots if we're lucky, and they get that once a week as a school dinner and they also get an 'xmas lunch' in the last week of school. They like Christmas because of the presents, not the Christmas dinner.

I collect my mum for Christmas. It’s a four hour journey up there, then I rest a day then I drive me and her back.

in all honesty, if you want people around you then it’s a question of effort.

i don’t work anymore but when I did I did it over a weekend.

agree with you about Twixmas though.

Yes it's nice that we don't have to endure some horribly offensive uncle or whatever, that is a bonus. But really there is not a lot of relaxing that will go on with three DC age 6 and under! They need stuff to do - if we stay at home for too long then they end up whinging or fighting and everyone is climbing the walls. But the weather can be cold and dark and miserable and a lot of places aren't open and there's only so much time you can spend in a park at the end of December.

Why don't you switch it round seeing as you only have to please yourselves? Have a Christmas buffet on Christmas day and cook a lovely Christmas eve dinner for you and dh after the kids have buggered off to bed.

With kindness, I think you’re looking at other people’s Christmases with rose tinted glasses. You obviously have some children of school age, so presumably they will be super excited about Christmas. Start making your own Christmas traditions - maybe a walk when it’s dark to see neighbours Xmas lights, have a set time for games, tv, maybe save some presents until later. We don’t do a huge dinner, just a basic Sunday lunch really, and we don’t even have turkey. The following days are for toys and Xmas films with a few trips to the park or for a walk. My kids are at the other end of the scale now in that they’re most likely to be up in their rooms after dinner or out with friends, but I loved the years when they were little and it was just us, pleasing ourselves with no agenda.

I think this is unfair. I totally understand why the op feels that way. If extended family aren't visiting it does feel like any other weekend day and it is hard to motivate yourself to make an effort. I have a small family and we do tend to get together at Christmas but I definitely miss the childhood excitement of family Christmases.

I'm sorry op ...I get you. Personally I just wish the Christmas period away as fast as possible. Have you told your sister how you feel by the way? Perhaps I'm being optimistic but surely if she knew how you're feeling, she'd include you?

Can you maybe plan a big Christmas family day IN that in between / so invite your sister or ask how she’d feel about hosting if you bring food or decs etc games for the kids and throwing a bash on the 27/28th? Something to look forward to and still have the day.

On the day itself find the joy as people said I throwing the rule book out, cook something you’ll all love - we did a Mexican one year as it’s my sons favourites and he loved making his own tacos etc / maybe make pizzas together if the kids are tiny? Don’t torture yourself with the unachievable and what others think is proper. Thing of your family’s ideal day together and focus on making that the start of your tradition.

For the in between just spice up the “normal” - being mattresses in or move the sofa cushions and make a movie theatre vibe for Christmas films in the front room or something / get the kids to make tickets or posters. If they love playing cars etc wrap up and get some glow sticks or something and make a big hot wheel set in garden in the evening? Just make the everyday silly and fun for the kids and they won’t be bored!

I genuinely recommend going to church on Christmas Day. Magical and lots of tolerance for kids.

There may be friends that will also be on thier own? Could see if they want to team up for the day.

Maybe message your sister and say you would like a family christmas this year - invite them to yours and although you already say she will say no she may then invite you over to there? She may not invite you as thinks you prefer a quiet christmas?

Go and get MIL or if you have space for DH siblings to squeeze in too can they not bring her?

If it is going to be just you then try and structure the day around the kids to make it less stressful. Can you put on a film for them whilst you and DH eat? Maybe aim to eat whilst baby is napping and let the older ones get down as soon as they have eaten to play with new toys?

Yeah this is maybe a good plan. We could have a buffet with everyone’s favourite bits and pieces so the kids get pizza and me and DH get some nicer party food type stuff.

I would actually love to do this, and I used to go to midnight mass every year as a child and have lovely memories of that. However DH is a staunch atheist and I would never be able to convince him to go and he would really not be keen on me taking the kids on Xmas day. However I might see if there are any family services on Xmas eve or something locally. The kids would love the carols.

But surely this would still be the case even if you had extra people there? Can you not look at the pluses of it being just the five of you - you can eat what you like when you like, you can sit in PJs and watch TV all day or play games, or take the kids to the park without an older person complaining that it's too cold to go out...

You get the Christmas you make. We never had family for Christmas, it was just me, five kids, not enough money and a lot of stress. But we had the best days because we didn't have to accommodate anyone else and if the kids didn't want to get dressed and wanted to play Marble Run for six hours straight, broken only with a round of chicken sandwiches and a tin of Quality Street - well, it's only one day.

yes you’re right the kids still would pick at the dinner but the effort of cooking it would feel more worthwhile if I was catering for more adults who would appreciate it. And if the kids had cousins here then they could go off and play while the adults chatted and relaxed, it would just make the day a bit more special and different. I guess I am also a bit sad at the people who aren’t here ie DF who died a few years back, DB who moved miles away etc. It just magnifies the fact that we don’t have one of those big close families. But I still want to try and make it special for the kids.

are you and your DH happy op?

I was going to say this OP.

As it's just your family, could you find a way to make your own special day? It doesn't have to look like a traditional Christmas day.

What do you enjoy? What's your favourite breakfast? Hot chocolate with breakfast? Something a bit special?

Is there anything special you'd like for the day for yourself? Like a treat?

What's something you'd like to do but don't usually get the time to do it?

Do you have a favourite Christmas movie? Do the kids?

What is something you could get the kids for a gift, that maybe they would be able to play with for a bit and give you a chance to relax?

What is your favourite game as a family?

I think it could be a day that is about doing things, eating things, enjoying things you wouldn't normally get time for, with a few extra treats.

Maybe something nice for the evening for you to look forward to after kids bedtimes? Save a favourite series or film? Favourite book? New pyjamas/slippers? Long hot bath with new bath stuff? Candlelight supper with DH?

I know Christmas is hard when you wish your family were close. I think a bit of self care and self love is needed on this day.

I cook pizza for the kids on Christmas day. It's their favourite meal so why not? I have done various for DH and I: fillet steak, turkey steak with bits, duck and mango salad ... we love Christmas. Build in traditions: local walks to see the lights, favourite movies to watch on christmas eve etc.

Yes we are, we are both just knackered as our kids don’t sleep well and we have no help with any childcare as we have no local family etc. We have been out together twice in 6 years. Actually when you put it like that, it’s a miracle that we are as happy as we are 😂 we do feel lucky to have 3 lovely children but they are very hard work and the thought of keeping them entertained for over 2 weeks is overwhelming and I just wish we had a “village” to share the Christmas period with.

Do you have any couple friends or single friends without family who might like to join you on the day? This is what we do, we invite our friend who is Godfather and has no family. None of our family join us and it seems pointless cooking a massive meal for me, DH and two young adult DC as it’s soooo much work and over in 20 minutes. Or a lonely neighbour?

Its absolutely not bizarre to question cooking a Christmas meal, its a lot of effort and time even if you dont go overboard.
We have the same thing as we dont live in the UK, so when we are home at Christmas its just us. We are 7 so not exactly a quiet house, but the festive period is a bit lacking with no family, although we normally have friends over for the in-between days to New Year. We are in the UK for this Christmas and I am looking forward to it being a much bigger family event. Its a stretch doing it every year so we settle for every other.

I completely understand where you are coming from OP, it isn’t bizarre at all - I found COVID Christmas very difficult as it was just me DH and the kids, and it did feel a bit flat once the stockings were done, and like any day just nicer food, no real incentive for the kids to hang around especially while we were cooking so again just like any weekend with them in their rooms. We actually did have a friend/ neighbour round in the afternoon - it was allowed! We couldn’t have family because they were in a different tier - and played silly games, and that did make things more fun.

Can you afford to go away? Bluestone / Centre Parcs / somewhere hot and sunny? It's a long old haul in the winter. I had this level of ick about the February half term; minded Christmas a lot less because ... well, Christmas. We managed to fill it with crafts, christmas lights, advent services ... going to shops to look at christmas decorations ... national trust properties, baking ...

Take the childrens' most loved new toy (don't worry if it is a noisy one). Also when children are a little older (over 5ish) go to one of the Boxing Day races if they are not too far from you. It is the biggest race day on the calendar and most courses cater for children (look on their website).