I know its only September ..but how to make Xmas special for us all in difficult circumstances?

[Sidebeforeself]

Posting early as it may take some time to organise/save for.

This year there’ll just be 3 of us ..me DH and elderly FIL. Im fine with that as we have other things planned with other family etc. But I feel we need to make an effort on Xmas Day and Boxing Day.

Issues are ( sorry there are a few!)

FIL lives 100 miles away and we do not have the room to put him up
We could go to his and stay but it’s not very comfortable so not much fun for us .
We could rent somewhere but nice places have minimum stays which we dont need. Plus we are already renting somewhere earlier in the month so feel like its a lot of money to shell out.

So Im thinking we find a BnB place near to us that he can get a taxi to and from if DH wants a drink.

If FIL agrees to that , then Im also a bit stuck as to how to fill the time. I quite like the idea of me cooking lunch ( I love doing Xmas lunch) but beyond that what?! FIL doesn’t do presents so we wont even have that. Of course we can watch Xmas TV but two days of it!

We could do dominoes and cards I suppose. I’d also thought of doing a Spotify playlist of songs FIL likes.

Any ideas gratefully received!

Edited - missed out the difficult circs! FIL still grieving loss of MIL and has various health issues . DH and FIL do not always see eye to eye!

I think if you can't put him up, you should go and stay with him, or get a hotel/Airbnb nearby. Or all of you go somewhere else .
He's elderly, grieving, with health problems.. how will he manage in a BnB by himself? I suspect it will be too much for him.
Is there anything you can do to make his place more comfortable for you - presumably this is not a one-off problem just for this Christmas.
As for what to do entertainment-wise, he might not want anything too tiring. Maybe a few card games, or something he is familiar with like Scrabble or Rummikub, or something not too hard to pick up the rules, like Ticket to Ride. Plan to watch a few movies ( decide in advance so there's not a long annoying trawl through Netflix on the day), maybe a walk if he's mobile enough. If you've got space , set up a jigsaw if he likes that sort of thing, find a big crossword. Get him out of the house at least once - pub visit?
And you don't have to be present all the time - it's DH's dad, give them a bit of time together while you go off and do your thing, either out or in a different room.

You could go to the cinema if there’s anything suitable on. I know it’s more expensive than Netflix but it makes a good Boxing Day outing.

He’d literally just be in the B&B for the night..we’d pick him up etc. I’d prefer to be in my own home this Christmas - we rarely get the opportunity.

I might do a film night one night, then cards/dominoes the other…Im thinking he stays Xmas Eve , Xmas day and we take him home Boxing Day pm.

He cant do jigsaws but a quiz might be an idea.

What did you do when MIL was alive? Did she die this year, is it his first Christmas without her?

I don't think a b&b at Christmas is great OP. If I were him I'd rather stay home alone than that set up. Either you stay near or with him or you all stay somewhere else together.

Or...could you and DH spend Christmas separately, he goes to his dad and you see your family?

Someone can be elderly and have health issues which don’t impact too much, or the combination could be very challenging. I have a relative, both elderly and with numerous health issues, but they can cook the Christmas dinner and do lots of things. Others will be much more limited and could find the air b&b and the proposed travelling difficult. I would take what FIL wants to do/is comfortable doing as my starting point and then ask what he would like to do if he is with you. I am assuming that this will be the first year without his wife, which may well impact on what he wants to do.

@Scout2016 We mixed it up, sometimes they came to us , sometimes we went out etc but that seemed easier as he wouldnt be alone. This is the second Xmas without MIL.

What is it about the B&B that you think isn’t right? We’d literally be a few streets away so we can drop him off at night/pop him in a taxi etc.

I am not near my family so it will be the 3 of us.

Has FIL expressed what he would like? He might find it easier to be in his own home, surrounded by familiar things, so it might be better to either stay with him (I know you've said this is not ideal) or stay nearby, yes it's more money but for the first Christmas without his wife it's probably worth the expense. I think it's so nice that you are including him, but it might require a bit of compromising due to his grief being so fresh.

Unless FIL would rather escape memories of Xmases past with his spouse I reckon you should be the ones to stay in a B&B near him as he might feel a bit lonely and lost, or just awkward in B&B at that time of year. You can still cook Xmas lunch, but he’ll be in familiar surroundings and can duck out, snooze in favourite chair when tired - less stressful.

The choice of suitable activities depends on your interests and physical capabilities. How about a couple of adult board games? Ticket to Ride and Carcassonne are justly popular. Scrabble or Boggle are good bets if you like words. I rather like doing crafty stuff at Xmas and would happily make art straw sculptures, build Lego or Meccano or just experiment with making complicated polygons out of paper, but that derives from my family traditions… A big jigsaw can be surprisingly enjoyable: set it up so that it's easy to play with a few pieces whenever someone feels like it, rather than turning it into a chore. As a non-jigsaw person I go for 500 piece puzzles: big enough to take a while, but not so complicated as to be tedious - very doable over a couple of days with three of you.

I think outdoor activity is a must. If FIL has limited mobility then a garden (places with a ‘winter garden’ will open on Boxing Day) or a short beach walk to blow away the cobwebs might be options. If you're anywhere near a wildfowl reserve like Slimbridge it's also a fantastic time of year to see lots of ducks and migratory birds (best with binoculars, but still enjoyable without) without walking far (probably some wheelchair access, depending on where you go).

I think i'd be a bit depressed putting myself to bed in a random b&b alone on Christmas day, but not sure that helps you really. Why do you not ask him if he's got any thoughts about what he wants to do about Christmas and say of course you'll be seeing it with him?
i don't know. It's probably important to acknowledge to yourself it is going to be a bit flat and awkward an event. Realistically Christmas with a small number of adults who don't get on famously and who are recently bereaved and/or frail is just a Sunday lunch on the wrong day with high expectations that won't be met. You may just have to get through it this year.

@Sidebeforeself it's the being with strangers, in a strange room and bed alone at Christmas with your little bag for one. Even if the interaction with staff / other guests etc is minimal it's a strange time of year to be on your own away from home. To my mind it would only empashis the fact I am alone and my OH is not around.

I can't comment on the health side of things and wether he'd cope in that regard.

Does he go to hotels a lot, or travel much? Maybe he is off on holidays solo lots and I'm projecting too much. You say they used to sometimes come to you for Christmas previously, so maybe the idea of staying in a b&b won't be a new one, if they did stayed in them previously?

@Whatatodo79 “a Sunday lunch on the wrong day “is a perfect way of describing it!

We have asked him but he just says “whatever you want..I dont want to be a nuisance”

It’s the second Xmas since his wife died but it will only be 13 months so still quite raw.

He really cant manage board games and jigsaws..just struggles with the rules etc.

@Scout2016 He has stayed on his own in a hotel yes. When MIL was alive they’d either stay in a hotel or drive home but he cant do that anymore.

I think Ive resigned myself to being the bigger person etc and accept that the day will not necessarily match my wishes. We’d certainly never leave him on his own.

Can you and your DH not sleep in the living room and let FIL have your bedroom? Save money and fuss. Cook what he would usually like for breakfast. Would he do a short walk at a local nature spot or park? Get in/check Youtube/ check your streamer for some old films you might all enjoy. He may pop off to bed very early - so you won't have to entertain him for too long.He may nap in the afternoon too. Just take it easy, eat, read, watch TV

@SapatSea Thanks but I was looking at how to make Xmas feel special and that doesn’t sound special at all! I’m afraid I hate the idea of sleeping in our living room

can you go for a Chinese or is that too much of a break from tradition?
can you go for a walk.
put him up in your house and you have an airbed in the sitting room,

I agree that letting him have your room and you and DH camping out in the living room sounds the best solution if you want to host at your house. Otherwise, go to his where he’s in familiar surroundings and has the things he knows around him.

The first Christmas after my Mum died my father came to us. It was a nightmare as he felt he had to join in when he didn't want to. The 2nd Christmas (18 months after Mum died) he refused any invitations and didnt want anyone to stay at his house. So on the day we made the 4 hour drive to him, cooked lunch, had presents, watched some TV, had cake and a cuppa before driving home. He enjoyed that! No unwanted guests, no need to socialise more than he wanted, could sleep in his own bed but still had his Christmas lunch. It was exhausting for us but now I do it on my own and then have Christmas with my husband and adult children (if they are available) on another day (26th or 27th usually). Driving is a breeze as there's very little traffic on Christmas day!

I do appreciate your responses but it was more about special things to do so we all get a bit of “Christmas” rather than our sleeping arrangements.

How about booking 2 nights in a lovely hotel somewhere within an hour or so drive from his.

Book a food and wine package, ideally somewhere with nice gardens so that you can have a wander and some sort of lounge with a fireplace so that you can all sit together.

You’ll easily fill the time travelling there / discussing the hotel / discussing the food / wandering the gardens etc. You can all take a book and curl up in the lounge to read one afternoon. There will probably be some sort of entertainment. You can try the gins!

If fil doesn’t do presents, give him his room for Christmas.

I’d put elderly fil in my bed and put me and dh on the sofa. It’s Christmas. He’s elderly and grieving and has ill health, 100 miles from home.

What about one of those card prompt questions to get him to talk a out his life?

Do you own a record player? Could you get some old songs/xmas songs you all enjoy and listen to them by candle light?

What about making Xmas cocktails/ mulled wine?

roast some chestnuts?

going for a drive to see lights, stop into a little pub?

There is an Icelandic tradition where you
buy everyone a new book on Xmas eve and go to bed to read it. Could you buy for FIL and DH and ask H to buy for you?

Ask him what he wants.

Yes, but the thing about Christmas is togetherness and cosiness.

What sort of thing does he enjoy?

Does he have any friends near where you live? Or are all his friends near his own home?

On Boxing Day Would he like a drive out to a good view and take a flask and treats with you? Are there any Boxing Day events near you? Sporting stuff? Hunt meet (for drag racing) , mass swim in the sea or a lake that is fun to watch?

Does he walk anywhere?

Does he enjoy a pub visit?

That’s a great idea!