I know its only September ..but how to make Xmas special for us all in difficult circumstances?

[Sidebeforeself]

Posting early as it may take some time to organise/save for.

This year there’ll just be 3 of us ..me DH and elderly FIL. Im fine with that as we have other things planned with other family etc. But I feel we need to make an effort on Xmas Day and Boxing Day.

Issues are ( sorry there are a few!)

FIL lives 100 miles away and we do not have the room to put him up
We could go to his and stay but it’s not very comfortable so not much fun for us .
We could rent somewhere but nice places have minimum stays which we dont need. Plus we are already renting somewhere earlier in the month so feel like its a lot of money to shell out.

So Im thinking we find a BnB place near to us that he can get a taxi to and from if DH wants a drink.

If FIL agrees to that , then Im also a bit stuck as to how to fill the time. I quite like the idea of me cooking lunch ( I love doing Xmas lunch) but beyond that what?! FIL doesn’t do presents so we wont even have that. Of course we can watch Xmas TV but two days of it!

We could do dominoes and cards I suppose. I’d also thought of doing a Spotify playlist of songs FIL likes.

Any ideas gratefully received!

Edited - missed out the difficult circs! FIL still grieving loss of MIL and has various health issues . DH and FIL do not always see eye to eye!

@StewkeyBlue
No he doesn’t know anyone else near us.
He’s increasingly frail so walking is out of the question really ( has a walker but doesn’t like using it!).
I cant think of any Boxing Day events but I’ll look that up

I will ask him of course a bit nearer the time, but I was just wanting to get some ideas prepared. He’ll say “I dont mind” to anything though ( and later reveal that he does!)

Can you take him at his word and have the Christmas you and your partner want, with him joining in when he's around, awake and interested? Ask what one thing would make Christmas special for him and, within reason, accommodate his wish. My mother no longer cares much about all the fuss, for her listening to the carol service from King's when it's rebroadcast on Christmas day is what’s most important because of all the memories it evokes. Apart from that she really is perfectly happy to fit around whoever she's with* or just to spend the day on her own and field a series of phone calls wishing her a happy Christmas.

*I'm forgetting: what she really enjoys is having subtle digs at my kitchen arrangements and having opportunities to complain. It drives me nuts, but it is a very cheap present!

@FourthInstar Thats a good approach -thanks. We’ll come up with an outline plan and ask him what else he would like to do to make the day special

I'd make a list of things that are on and indulge in them liberally, whether at yours or his. Pantos, nice drives, carol concerts, festive lights, pubs, watching mad sea swimmers on boxing day - whatever.

Are any of you a religious at all? Christmas eve you could go to a church service. Either a crib service which would be quite family orientated and would have some traditional carols, in the early evening, or midnight mass which are beautiful even to my agnostic soul. Are you near a city? Going to the cathedral would be beautiful. But if you're more rural, they'll be a few churches with different offerings. You can check their websites.

Would you and he enjoy traditional parlor games? Charades, a quiz etc?

Do you have any of his old family photos? You could gift him an album of colourised black and white photos, or colour corrected old photos that have faded (you can use AI to do this or get someone on fiver to do it). If his eyesight is poor, get enlarged prints. Then christmas day afternoon he can tell you all about them.

Do you have any other family members you can video call and have a chat with using your TV as the monitor so he can easily see everyone and your not all crowded around a laptop or phone

No specific ideas but wanted to say what a lovely daughter in law you are.

@morden123 Thankyou thats very kind. I certainly dont want him to feel lonely

@LighthouseTeaCup No churches for any of us Im afraid. We’ve done the coloured family photos already. Good call re a video chat with his grand daughters.

If you consider your FIL well.enough to travel and stay on his own in a BnB have you considered booking somewhere lovely for two nights for all of you? Then you have gift, somewhere nice to stay, looking after him and the special activities all sorted - likely to have some entertainment on already, could look for spa and pool for you, food also sorted?
If he has lost his dear wife, I don't think staying on his own is nice at all, in fact it's probably worse than staying in his own home on his own.

You don’t have room to put up one person? So you don’t have a sofa or a floor? I can not imagine living somewhere so small that I could not put up one person. The most infirm person gets the most comfortable place to sleep, and everyone else arranges themselves around them, surely?

@SailingWonder its not that hard to imagine. We have two bedrooms ,but the spare room is v small and our sofa bed is for emergencies really. Not suitable for him and Im not inclined to sleep on it either. Anyway, thats not what Im asking

I dont want to stay in a hotel over Christmas really .FIL likes that but we dont.

Can your dh remember any particular traditions his parents used to do when he was a child? E.g. my dad's mum and aunt always made particular biscuits so my mum learnt the recipe and now I make them too

A cosy pub visit on Christmas Eve?

Get the Christmas Radio Times and ask him to circle anything he fancies watching

Give your dh responsibility for entertaining his dad at times and take time for yourself to do whatever you enjoy e.g. I love reading a cosy crime novel or Sarah Morgan Christmas-themed romance

Carol concert? Either at Church or somewhere like Royal Albert Hall on Christmas Eve. Pantomime or some other kind of festive show. Light trail walk. Meal out at local pub or nice Italian day before or after.

@JustforfunH Definitely no church . Maybe we could watch one on TV. He really cannot do a walk.
@Ophy83 That’s a good idea re Radio Times - he loves that magazine!

It sounds very much like you will need home based activities rather than going anywhere. The problem with trying to go anywhere is that most places will be very busy which may be challenging for him. Families or couples together may amplify his loss and with mobility issues, a busy place could be very challenging.

Yes, to the radio times. Give him a highlighter pen.

A drive somewhere but be prepared for him not to get out of the vehicle. We have driven around to have a look at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve before with a visiting elderly relative.

Has he had a Christmas stocking before? I completely underestimated how much joy that would give to my late FIL as he had never had one before.

You have ruled out a number of games etc due to not being able to understand rules etc. Are there any things he has previously like playing be can’t play on his own? We have enjoyed tiddly winks and dominoes in the past. Whatever it is keep them shortish after giving everyone the opportunity to win. If he likes reading, I would look to gift him a book which he could sit and read during the course of the day, or on a night.

If he is the sort of person who likes to be useful, give him a job to do for the meal prep to make him feel he has contributed, even if its only peeling some carrots whilst he is sitting down. Ask him if there is anything he would really like to eat from Christmases past.

Depending on his eyesight, eat Christmas dinner by candlelight. But put the lights on when he needs to move.

Contact with other people. Be it a neighbour or friend dropping in for a quick drink, or a FaceTime with wider family.

I know you didn’t want comments on sleeping arrangements but I would really check about how he feel is about staying in the likes of an air b&b which could be really isolating for him. But he may also be pleased to have some space to himself and would welcome it. We have a widowed friend who goes to see family but books into a local travel lodge so he has his own space.

@Allthings Thanks for your thoughtful suggestions. You are right - doing to much activity outside the home will be challenging. He’d agree to it but would noticeably struggle making it stressful for all.

He can do dominoes so we’ll definitely do that. I never thought of asking him if he wants anything special to eat either so thats a good idea.

He’s stayed in hotels etc on his own before so I doubt it’s a problem. It’s really not a case (as some people seem to think) of us not wanting him here. We are actually being considerate of his comfort and accessibility needs. Unfortunately I dont have the ideal set up so Im having to come up with the best option. We dont want to go away as we are already going away with other relatives earlier in the month so its getting a bit £££!

@Sidebeforeself there can be a difference staying on your own at Christmas, but he may not mind at all and like our friend, pleased to be able to have some time on his own. We had to have a relative in a travel lodge one year. It would have been fine for a couple of nights, but was challenging for a week.

I do hope you can find ideas etc that make your Christmas lovely.

If he's a typical older guy he won't be that fussed about special traditions etc. I think snoozing on the sofa after dinner etc safe in the home of his loved ones is probably about as festive as he hopes to get. Just feed him generously and include him in the conversation when you can be arsed having it. It's the time together that matters.

Would you all enjoy a trip to a pantomime on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day?

I would try to have him stay with you but it doesn't sound like that's an option. To those suggesting booking a lovely hotel with a food and wine package, the OP hasn't mentioned her budget but have you seen the prices of those Xmas packages?? They can be eye wateringly expensive. Or if anyone has been to a reasonably priced one, please share!

Oh no we wouldn’t! 😃😃😃

Where was he born? Where did he grow up? Where did he spend time? What did he do for a living? What did his dad and grandfathers do for a living? What bands did he and MIL go and see?

You can put all sorts of words into YouTube and vision will come up. My dad can get very interested in YouTube stuff we find. He even saw an old mate be interviewed on a documentary a few years ago. He was so excited about that.