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Christmas

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Christmas after losing a loved one

32 replies

Sunshineandbluesky · 01/09/2025 23:04

I love the Christmas topic so I’m sorry to bring misery here.
I absolutely love Christmas - normally. Normally I’d be on here cheering myself up and enjoying planning.
But not this year. My lovely wonderful husband has died. My young teenager has lost a dad.
Everyone says Christmas is ages away. But it’s not. And I will be heartbroken. I don’t know how I can do it. But I have to for my child.
Does anyone have any ideas or experience of this?
A holiday abroad is not possible I’m afraid.
I’m incredibly fragile so please be kind. Thanks.

OP posts:
Streetcornerchoir · 01/09/2025 23:16

I’m so sorry, unfortunately I do know how you feel and Christmas will be a very difficult time for you both.

For my first one I just didn’t try to do things the same, I bought completely different decorations, didn’t send any cards outside of immediate family, went to new places in the build up. Just did what I felt like doing and put no pressure on the day itself being special.

Have you joined any of the young widow groups? They’re really helpful with navigating all these new challenges we face.

Sunshineandbluesky · 01/09/2025 23:32

Thank you @Streetcornerchoir . I’m so so sorry you’ve experienced this too. It’s useful to know what you did. Are you able to let me know what these groups are please?

OP posts:
Alphabet1spaghetti2 · 02/09/2025 00:01

I think you may have to go with whatever your gut instinct says. If you only had five seconds to think of an answer to your own question- what would it be? that’s probably the best thing for you to do - whatever your answer is.
I lost my husband last year, we had never ‘done’ Christmas. But all my friends insisted I should be alone, so I accepted an invitation to an otherwise lovely, welcoming friends family for the day. For me, it was a huge mistake, really brought home what I had lost when my DH died. I won’t make the same mistake of listening to what others think is best for me. This year I’ll go back to what my DH and I would have done - largely ignore Christmas and everything associated with it and stay home with decent tv, a cosy fire, classical music, a book and my cats, whilst lounging in DH pyjamas. Allowing myself to feel whatever emotions I need to feel and let go of.

Streetcornerchoir · 02/09/2025 12:37

Sunshineandbluesky · 01/09/2025 23:32

Thank you @Streetcornerchoir . I’m so so sorry you’ve experienced this too. It’s useful to know what you did. Are you able to let me know what these groups are please?

Thank you. Of course, I’ve sent you a private message.

Firststop · 02/09/2025 12:41

I find Christmas incredibly difficult since DH died, even now, years later when I have a new DP, I still can't work out what a family Christmas is supposed to look like, and I'm heartbroken that my DC don't have their Dad. That's all the time, but somehow harder at Christmas.

The way I try to get through it is to have plans, especially in the run up, but not plans with too many people and to keep Christmas Day itself quiet. Cook dinner with DC contributing a dish, go for a walk, watch TV. Accept it will never be what it was.

I always expect to feel better once Christmas Day is out of the way, but that doesn't seem to happen, so this year I will schedule some quiet time after Christmas.

It's awful OP 💐

Sunshineandbluesky · 02/09/2025 13:37

Thank you all for your kind and honest replies. I really appreciate them and I’m so sorry that you’ve been through this too.

OP posts:
AuntieDen · 02/09/2025 13:40

I'm sorry - that must be so hard.

With a young teenager, perhaps ask for their ideas too? Perhaps they might like to remember their dad in some specific way, or they'd rather just have a 'non christmas' this year with Pizza and a netflix binge and early night?

Unless you also need to consider anyone else (parents etc) then I am guessing you will feel the best you can expect to if you are making things as easy for them as possible, and they might have strong feelings (that they may not have even thought about yet)

EmmaMaria · 02/09/2025 14:00

I am not sure that anyone can tell you how best to cope with this loss at Christmas, although I do agree with @Alphabet1spaghetti2 that you should consider what Christmas looks like - if it isn't a big thing, then why make it one now?

That said, I am going to tell you a less positive story than many will. A neighbour lost her adult daughter 18 months or so ago - so two Christmas times ago. She was a wife and mother to a four year old. It was sudden, unexpected and she was tragically young. Her sister, now just 18, still lives at home. Her mum, my friend, has never recovered from it, but if I am being absolutely honest, she also hasn't tried. There has been no Christmas for two years. No birthday (for her) either. She goes to work, she looks after her granddaughter when she is off work. And that is it. She doesn't realise that she isn't seeing her other daughter. She goes through the motions of it, but her daughter knows it is a facade. She knows she doesn't love her any less than she ever did, but she also knows that it isn't enough to break through the grief. Recently her daughter tried to get her to go for a meal, just the two of them, on her birthday. Mum said no because it was still too soon...The fact is that in her mind I think it will always be "too soon", and life is passing her by. And her daughter doesn't know how to tell her any of this, so she tells me.

Whilst being terribly sorry for your loss, my advice is not to put your life on hold, because once you do it will be hard to get it back. There will be enormous sadness and grief. There is also the memory of so many good things and good times, and some people are never that lucky to have anything like that. Whether it is carrying on with loved traditions, or creating entirely new ones, is something only you and your child can work out - and you may make some mistakes and misjudgements about what that is too. But don't turn away from living life. That isn't what you husband would have wanted for his family.

LlynTegid · 02/09/2025 14:03

When my dad died, we had Christmas in my home not my parents. Same as when my grandmother died a different family member hosted it.

You might wish to consider somewhere different, at least you don't have the feeling of an empty chair.

ComfortFoodCafe · 02/09/2025 14:35

Could you book a hotel? 🫂

LinedOverLatte · 02/09/2025 15:02

I’m sorry for your and your teenager’s loss, it must be incredibly difficult.

I think the two of you should discuss and agree what will suit you both.

Other people will have an idea of what they think is best and may try to persuade you to not be on your two own.

Decide together now, whilst it’s not too near, and make a plan to stick to - maybe you’ll only do a couple of presents, perhaps you’ll definitely stick to some family traditions and not bother with others.

Please don’t feel any pressure to ‘do’ anything. It is perfectly fine if you and your teen want to stay in PJs, watch movies and eat rubbish all day.

Wishing you both all the very best. There’s a good Facebook group which is called widowed and young (or similar) which offers great advice and support from people who’ve been where you are.

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 16:53

So sorry OP, how tragic for you both.
Id do whatever feels least unbearable. Chat to DC about this and make a plan. The answer might be to take care of his parents on the day, or paint the living room, or offer to take a friends dog for a long walk, or watch soppy films eating chocolate.
The first one without him will be the worst.

PeonyPatch · 02/09/2025 16:54

Have a quieter one this year. Do whatever feels most manageable and comforting to you - maybe leave creating new rituals until next year

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 16:58

EmmaMaria · 02/09/2025 14:00

I am not sure that anyone can tell you how best to cope with this loss at Christmas, although I do agree with @Alphabet1spaghetti2 that you should consider what Christmas looks like - if it isn't a big thing, then why make it one now?

That said, I am going to tell you a less positive story than many will. A neighbour lost her adult daughter 18 months or so ago - so two Christmas times ago. She was a wife and mother to a four year old. It was sudden, unexpected and she was tragically young. Her sister, now just 18, still lives at home. Her mum, my friend, has never recovered from it, but if I am being absolutely honest, she also hasn't tried. There has been no Christmas for two years. No birthday (for her) either. She goes to work, she looks after her granddaughter when she is off work. And that is it. She doesn't realise that she isn't seeing her other daughter. She goes through the motions of it, but her daughter knows it is a facade. She knows she doesn't love her any less than she ever did, but she also knows that it isn't enough to break through the grief. Recently her daughter tried to get her to go for a meal, just the two of them, on her birthday. Mum said no because it was still too soon...The fact is that in her mind I think it will always be "too soon", and life is passing her by. And her daughter doesn't know how to tell her any of this, so she tells me.

Whilst being terribly sorry for your loss, my advice is not to put your life on hold, because once you do it will be hard to get it back. There will be enormous sadness and grief. There is also the memory of so many good things and good times, and some people are never that lucky to have anything like that. Whether it is carrying on with loved traditions, or creating entirely new ones, is something only you and your child can work out - and you may make some mistakes and misjudgements about what that is too. But don't turn away from living life. That isn't what you husband would have wanted for his family.

Woah! 18 months is nothing when it comes to losing a child. Give the poor woman the time she needs in this first raw stage of grief.

user9064385631 · 02/09/2025 16:58

I think in your shoes I’d maybe take a picnic and blankets and sit on a beach/beauty spot for a couple of hours if the weathers not too awful. But thats me - you must do what ever you and your boy need to, to get through the day. If you can’t suit yourself in these circumstances, when can you.
So sorry for your loss.

Cravey · 02/09/2025 17:05

EmmaMaria · 02/09/2025 14:00

I am not sure that anyone can tell you how best to cope with this loss at Christmas, although I do agree with @Alphabet1spaghetti2 that you should consider what Christmas looks like - if it isn't a big thing, then why make it one now?

That said, I am going to tell you a less positive story than many will. A neighbour lost her adult daughter 18 months or so ago - so two Christmas times ago. She was a wife and mother to a four year old. It was sudden, unexpected and she was tragically young. Her sister, now just 18, still lives at home. Her mum, my friend, has never recovered from it, but if I am being absolutely honest, she also hasn't tried. There has been no Christmas for two years. No birthday (for her) either. She goes to work, she looks after her granddaughter when she is off work. And that is it. She doesn't realise that she isn't seeing her other daughter. She goes through the motions of it, but her daughter knows it is a facade. She knows she doesn't love her any less than she ever did, but she also knows that it isn't enough to break through the grief. Recently her daughter tried to get her to go for a meal, just the two of them, on her birthday. Mum said no because it was still too soon...The fact is that in her mind I think it will always be "too soon", and life is passing her by. And her daughter doesn't know how to tell her any of this, so she tells me.

Whilst being terribly sorry for your loss, my advice is not to put your life on hold, because once you do it will be hard to get it back. There will be enormous sadness and grief. There is also the memory of so many good things and good times, and some people are never that lucky to have anything like that. Whether it is carrying on with loved traditions, or creating entirely new ones, is something only you and your child can work out - and you may make some mistakes and misjudgements about what that is too. But don't turn away from living life. That isn't what you husband would have wanted for his family.

Take it you have never lost a child ? 18 months is nothing, your post is almost cruel.

EmmaMaria · 02/09/2025 17:15

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 16:58

Woah! 18 months is nothing when it comes to losing a child. Give the poor woman the time she needs in this first raw stage of grief.

It's her other daughter who is suffering. And I am recounting what she has said.

@Cravey Yes, actually I bloody well have. But I was "lucky enough" to not have other children who were also suffering and unable to express what they feel and how much they need their mother, who has gone missing from their lives. You know nothing. Her daughter is telling me and I know she is hoping that I will speak to her mum - something that needs to come from her and not me. The last two years her daughter has sat at home on her own with nobody around because her mother chose to work Christmas. Perhaps you'd like to explain to her daughter why that's ok?

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 17:20

EmmaMaria · 02/09/2025 17:15

It's her other daughter who is suffering. And I am recounting what she has said.

@Cravey Yes, actually I bloody well have. But I was "lucky enough" to not have other children who were also suffering and unable to express what they feel and how much they need their mother, who has gone missing from their lives. You know nothing. Her daughter is telling me and I know she is hoping that I will speak to her mum - something that needs to come from her and not me. The last two years her daughter has sat at home on her own with nobody around because her mother chose to work Christmas. Perhaps you'd like to explain to her daughter why that's ok?

It must be terrible for this young woman who is also grieving, but that doesn’t mean the mum can snap out of her grief. She’s got a job and a small child to look after and this may be taking all her energy. You might support the teenager by letting her talk freely to you or suggesting counselling, rather than blaming her mum and expecting her to change her behaviour.

EmmaMaria · 02/09/2025 17:23

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 17:20

It must be terrible for this young woman who is also grieving, but that doesn’t mean the mum can snap out of her grief. She’s got a job and a small child to look after and this may be taking all her energy. You might support the teenager by letting her talk freely to you or suggesting counselling, rather than blaming her mum and expecting her to change her behaviour.

Oh do f..k off. I was not blaming her mum and nor did I say to snap out of her grief, and her daughter obviously does talk to me. You are (mis)reading what you want out of what I have said, I won't make any further attempt to explain something to you that you cannot understand. We have very different perspectives and I will leave it at that.

Hairshare · 02/09/2025 17:28

EmmaMaria · 02/09/2025 17:23

Oh do f..k off. I was not blaming her mum and nor did I say to snap out of her grief, and her daughter obviously does talk to me. You are (mis)reading what you want out of what I have said, I won't make any further attempt to explain something to you that you cannot understand. We have very different perspectives and I will leave it at that.

I was responding to the tone of your first message suggesting that she may never return to normal life because she ‘hasn’t tried’ . Sounds like blaming to me. It’s too soon for her.

Justlovedogs · 02/09/2025 18:01

Hi @Sunshineandbluesky. No advice to give, but just wanted to say sorry for your loss and you're not alone in your thoughts. I also lost my DH earlier this year and, like you, I'm finding myself thinking ahead to Christmas. Trying hard not to, but it keeps nagging me here and there. Sending you love and best wishes. Flowers

Sunshineandbluesky · 02/09/2025 18:13

Thank you all for your input. I think there is no getting away from the fact that my love for Christmas will never be the same. I’m looking for miracles in life at the moment and there aren’t any.

OP posts:
ALunchbox · 02/09/2025 18:21

My friend decided to take her DC to Marrakech over Xmas because Xmas would be less in your face, and then could instead focus on having a 'nice' family time together. I'm sorry for your loss.

Purplebunnie · 02/09/2025 18:43

I was 17 so probably a bit older when my father died in September many years ago. We basically treated Christmas as just another day. Had the turkey etc but no tree, no fuss. I went along with whatever my mom wanted to do that first Christmas and we carried it on like that for quite a few years. I did miss having a tree and I think I did say say something and she did buy me a real tree and carried it home from the town - she never drove. I would have taken her in the car if I had known, felt guilty about that ever since.

You will have to find whatever gets you through it, take it slowly, don't rush it.

There will be some things that will always be hard for instance I find it really difficult to watch the Railway Children, especially the last bit when Bobby sees her dad on the platform. Silly I suppose

I'm so sorry and sending you massive hugs xx

ThejoyofNC · 02/09/2025 18:54

We always skip Christmas if we've had a close family loss.

OP I too absolutely love Christmas. But it's fine to take a year off, it comes every year and you will not enjoy it this year if you force it. I personally would still go to church as that's important to me but I wouldn't do tree, gifts, dinner etc.

Sorry for your loss

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