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Original poster

Children don't spend Christmas with me

27 replies

GiddySquid · 15/08/2025 21:42

My children don't spend Xmas with dh and me anymore. They did a few Yr ago but now do their own thing. We don't talk much online so Xmas was when we would see each other. I have 2 Daughter and 2 sons. Any1 else not spend Xmas with children? Why do you think this is?

OP posts:
MidnightPatrol · 15/08/2025 21:43

Do they live locally? Do they have partners? What do they do instead we have started doing every other Christmas together - which gives everyone opportunity to do other things too.

ToKittyornottoKitty · 15/08/2025 21:44

How old are they? Who are they spending it with?

ooooohlala · 15/08/2025 21:46

Why do you think it is? It’s quite u usual for people to never spend Christmas with parents. Unless there’s an obvious reason, like they alternate years are it’s PIL’s turn, or they’ve moved abroad or something.

You’ve not given us much to go on - it could be anything from they’ve all become Buddhists to you’re a terrible host.

WilfredsPies · 15/08/2025 22:53

We don't talk much online so Xmas was when we would see each other

I suspect this might be where your problem is. I think if a family has drifted apart to the extent that you only really have any quality time together at Christmas, they’re likely to want to spend Christmas with the people they’re close to throughout the rest of the year. Either that, or they just prefer being at home and that bond with their parents just isn’t strong enough to make them feel like they should make an effort.

If you’ve drifted apart and miss them, why not try making a concerted effort to have more contact? Christmas is a huge thing, so maybe start with a random weekend and see how you go. Tell them you miss them and you’re sorry that you don’t see them as often as you would like.

Ladedahlia · 15/08/2025 23:00

Do you visit them? How far apart do you live?

Paradoes · 15/08/2025 23:03

Have they got their own partners ? We always have christmas in our own house since having dc

Mum was always moody and stressed and made comments and I didn't enjoy it at home. That's only my story though. Maybe talk to them?

fourelementary · 15/08/2025 23:22

Christmas is one day- when do you see them the other 364 days in the year?

ITSSSSCHRISTMASSS · 15/08/2025 23:56

I definitely think more context is needed to understand the situation.

Mikart · 16/08/2025 07:14

I never spent a Xmas with my parents after I left university. I still dont " do" Xmas now I'm in my 60s ....adult dd visits the week before but goes home 23rd.

Rocknrollstar · 16/08/2025 07:17

We used to invite my parents for Boxing Day so we had Christmas Day with the children. DS invites us over on Christmas Eve. It’s just one day in the year.

WhatNoRaisins · 16/08/2025 07:27

I would struggle to see the point of a Christmas only relationship in general. If I'm not close enough to someone to meaningfully interact with them on a regular basis they wouldn't be the people I'd seek out at times like Christmas.

I'd be looking at how things got to this point and what you can do to change it.

CatchTheWind1920 · 16/08/2025 07:41

Have you asked them? I would message all 4 and say you'd like to spend Christmas altogether and if they'd join.

taxidriver · 16/08/2025 07:43

now is the time to invite them

twobabiesandapup · 16/08/2025 07:57

Have you asked them? What are their circumstances? My partner and I haven’t spent Christmas Day with our parents since our first child was born in 2023, but we spend Christmas Eve and Boxing Day with each side of the family. Christmas Day is kept for lazy mornings, not having to get dressed to be anywhere at a certain time, being able to have a few drinks without having to drive back, the children being able to play with their presents and us having a generally leisurely day with no plans, no time constraints and no working to anyone else’s timelines or schedule. Our parents each had nearly 40 years with us spending Christmas Day with them so it’s fair and right that we’ve now got the opportunity to plan our own Christmas Day with our children

EnjoythemoneyJane · 16/08/2025 08:17

Christmas inevitably gets more complicated when there are more people and multiple generations involved, so it really comes down to how motivated everyone is to spend time together.

Have you invited them? It might be down to simple logistics - they live too far away to travel to you and back in a day; there are now too many of you to accommodate comfortably for the day if they all have partners & kids; there’s nowhere affordable for them to stay. Or they can’t invite you to theirs for similar reasons.

Or they may just not want to spend it with you, which is a whole other thing. You have four kids - are you not close with any of them? Do they all get along themselves? Are Christmases a fun time that everyone looks forward to, or more of a duty call? If you barely speak to your children the rest of the year, and are now asking strangers on the internet about your relationship with them, I think you probably have your answer, sadly.

There’s no way we’d willingly be this distant from our kids’ lives, nor they from ours, and in the same way I’d always make time to see my own parents.

ComfortFoodCafe · 16/08/2025 08:22

i havent spent christmas with my folks in 8 years, but its a 4 hour drive and im not that confident at driving and my dc are still a bit to young to spend christmas away from home. (Wouldnt understand that most of their presents would need to be left at home and opened later!)
neither has my brother for a few years as hes a nurse and works most christmas days nightshifts.
maybe similar circumstances for your kids?

NJLX2021 · 16/08/2025 08:49

There are some unlucky people, and maybe you are one of them, but in general in my experience most people get what they put in from their family. Most families where the children drift away, or everyone stops seeing each other, are families where the older members never really put in a lot of effort and care, and never put in the ton of work and compremises that it takes to keep a family together.

There are unlikely people who do everything and still end with nothing though...

I would wager that you already know deep down whether thar is you or not.

MamaElephantMama · 16/08/2025 08:54

I think it’s natural for some families as they make their own way in life. If you don’t have much contact maybe start making more of an effort?

DaisyChain505 · 16/08/2025 08:57

Do they live locally?
Do you make an effort with the relationship all year round?
Do you visit them?
Do you ask to see them over the Christmas period?
Do you tell them you’d like to see them?

You have said you don’t “talk much online”
What does this mean?

It sounds like you’re not putting any effort into the relationship to keep it going yet expect them to turn up for Christmas. Relationships work two ways and need effort from both sides.

DancingInTheBroadDaylight · 16/08/2025 09:02

If I only see someone once a year, it's definitely not going to be on significant occasions, it's going to be some random weekend in October.

Pinkissmart · 16/08/2025 09:09

How old are they?
How far away?
Do you have a good relationship with them?
Why don't you talk to them much?

Digdongdoo · 16/08/2025 09:12

How much time do you spend with then the rest of the year?

capybaraforlife · 16/08/2025 09:12

I left home for university at 18, I'm now 49. That's 31 christmases since I've left.

I've spent maybe 4-5 of those with my parents.

I moved away, Christmas isn't a huge event for us, I now travel at Christmas. Previously I spent it with friends or away.

My parents never pressured me either so I never felt it was a forced expectation.

I think we need more detail on ages and geography...

WhatNoRaisins · 16/08/2025 09:14

I think without some detail all we can do is speculate.

Velvian · 16/08/2025 09:18

Do you join them in their lives, or expect them to only see you on your terms?

You've not given much information, but i suspect that you need to get outside your comfort zone a bit and get involved with things on their terms.

My MIL became very unhappy about her adult DCs. The thing was that she still saw her and FIL as the main characters in the DCs' lives for far too long.

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