Most self centred SIL...How to deal with her?!

[Sunshinekim]

At my in laws for a few days as we do every year and sick to the back teeth of my self centred, competitive sister in law.
It's all about her, not one question about how I am or my new job, or what my kids have been upto! Every conversation is about her and her life and her kids.
When my son said what he got for Christmas, it's all 'oh well her daughter got bikes last Christmas, and will have to get new crocs for their birthday'
Why is it always a competition!

How do I deal with her? I really don't want to spend Christmas with them again and avoid for the rest of the year!

You just tolerate her politely. She sounds more dismissive than rude. I wouldn't try to engage her in more than small talk and would let any competitive remarks slide and ignore.

Oh how trying! Tinkly laugh followed by (clearly exaggerated) gift? Ie ‘well, we’re getting young Tristram and Ariadne personalised number plates for their toy cars - custom made by Porsche, of course. You just can’t stint on the young ones, can you?’

Or it’s close cousin, competitive humility. ‘Young Pandora and Archimedes looked at me with their big eyes and said, mummy, the real meaning of Christmas is charity and, do you know, they’ve auctioned off all their toys to raise funds for impoverished gerbils in Genoa?.’ <Admiring sigh>

I’m not sure why you’re so riled by her. It’s clearly nothing new, and he sounds uninterested rather than competitive. You don’t like her. So either let it roll over you or don’t spend time with her.

Yeah you're right it's nothing new so I shouldn't expect any less! No interest in anyone else apart from herself!

Can you just turn every conversation onto yourself and your children? And patronise their choice of presents?
"Oh, a bike, how quaint! Imo Christmas presents should be meaningful but I understand that's hard for some people"
Love the PP suggestion for little Archimedes (can just imagine his little face lit up when he helps other children have running water for a bath)

I also have a SiL like this OP (and am travelling today to spend the next 4 days around them so definitely empathise!) Personally I wouldn't respond by upping your own kids as others suggest - your SiL still won't be interested and she'll probably just up the ante further. To me there's no gain in trying to force someone to be interested in me (and if I'm honest I don't really care about anything that's happening with her).

I find going quiet and giving virtually no response ("grey rock" approach style) is the best way to preserve my sanity and not get drawn into it.

The best way to discontinue a conversation you'd rather not have is by short, uninterested answers. A conversation killer.

If she asks about your child's gifts, say Why don't you ask ...... all about their Xmas gifts, they'd love to tell you" and drift off to do something or talk to someone else.

Last Christmas I didn't get one question about me and my life from the in laws 🤷‍♀️ but I know all about their holidays, work situations, stories about kids etc.

They are nice enough people but really are just not that interested in me.

This. Not from in laws as they were interested in me and my life. However I have spent the whole xmas listening to people talk about themselves, had maybe one question in 4 days from my Mum. I think this will be the last time I do that. Preserve your inner peace and don't bother seeing them next year

Passive agressive is the way to go if you really want to get under her skin (I’m not condoning it but I’ve known a lot like her and I think I’m pretty good at dealing with them)

All of these responses should be delivered with a sickly sweet smile and as genuine concern/affection as you can muster.

-DD got bikes last year

I’m surprised she’s had it a year…when do they do their school cycle tests again? Do you think she’ll be proficient enough by then…bless her just keep trying.

DD will have to get new crocs for her birthday

Oh god they’re just dreadful aren't they? but if that’s what she likes I suppose you can’t help it. Well done you for embracing her style and not trying to influence it.

DD is doing even better at school than your DS…

Oh bless you, I’m sure that’s important in your house but we really try to nurture the ‘rounded child’ in ours, academics is secondary to kindness and social inclusivity in our home.

DD’s birthday cake is 4 tiers

Fabulous, it’s not ultra processed though right? Have you actually read about what they put into frosting now. It should be a crime to feed that to children it’s not even food. I’m sure it will be lovely though.

Play bingo, have a list of her usual phrases and actions and mentally tick them off while smiling and rolling your eyes.

Do this. Absolutely perfect.

You need a bingo card. I have a SIL like this and eventually it gets to be a struggle not to cheer when she scores a hit on tye card.

That's just horrible though. What if the children hear you slating everything they've been excited for?

I wouldn't play games,and honestly, being a bitch back rarely makes anyone feel good, just grey rock as PPs have suggested.

But don’t you actually find most people are like this nowadays?
I noticed it a few years ago and tested it out by not saying anything about my life and seeing who asked me anything, very few people did.
I do think it’s the way conversations have changed, instead of asking a question and listening to the reply, people launch into a story about themselves.

Oh this all day long😁
I have passive/aggressive responses down to an art after decades of dealing with my in-laws twatterry.
I love walking away and seeing the look of bewilderment on their faces when they can't quite fathom my response. I'm never outwardly rude or inappropriate, just the right side of disintersted and slightly amused.
But I've had years of practice!

I’m sure you’re busy with your family and friends next year aren’t you OP?

Absolutely ignore, this was me 15yrs ago, my sil would start conversations about my son only so she could tell us about her own sons achievements and how much better he was, she would then offer advice on how I could help my son be as clever/sporty/good as hers. Arrange running races just so her son would inevitably win etc. I advise you to play the long game, my son is now a pretty high academic achiever and very sporty and strangely her son, whilst perfectly lovely is not the Olympic swimmer or brain surgeon she was expecting! I always feel like arranging a running race when we meet..... But I'm not that petty 😂

But don’t you actually find most people are like this nowadays?
I noticed it a few years ago and tested it out by not saying anything about my life and seeing who asked me anything, very few people did.

I do think it’s the way conversations have changed, instead of asking a question and listening to the reply, people launch into a story about themselves.

Agree 100%.

I think it may be because most of peoples communication is done via text and SM.

SM is all about "look at my life" for the likes and comments. For younger people who have grown up this was the art of conversation as we appreciate it just hasn't developed.

I work with a lot of woman my generation and age 40/50 and we find it so hard to communicate, understand and work with those who are mid late 20's and early 30's.

Most (not all) very clearly do things at work for the likes, the praise, the adoration. Rather than just because that's what we get park to do!

Same with conversation in the staff room. Everything feels like an announcement and sometimes like it shouldn't be shared. Where as we all ask each other about our weekend, kids holiday etc. I'm not sure some of them would know who our partners, kids etc are. But we know everything about them!!!!!

I sympathise I have a competitive sister I rarely argue with her but I did the other day I was driving over 100 miles in the mist over mountains from Wales to England the mist was thicker in Wales by the sea but the roads were easier to navigate due to the wonderful chunky white lines on my left and the cats eyes on my right I crossed into England and there was no chunky line and barely any cats eyes so we went even more slow despite the mist being thinner here dsis response yes I know I was out in it for my second job it was extremely thick (me) no it was thicker in Wales (her) no it wasn't fml serious? She hasn't been driving in Wales I have it was bloody thicker there! I've no idea why it was important to me that she acknowledge that but the kids jumped in and she almost acknowledged I might be right

It was pointless no clue why I did it but I think just once it might have been nice for someone to see me

It's weird but I always thought that it was a bit crass to brag. We tend to share stories about awful and funny things our kids do. Presents are to be glossed over-we never have a lot of money- but no one boasts as that's NQU.
I collect anecdotes to share and everything is played down or made funny.
Sometimes when people feel uncomfortable they are socially awkward and say things they wouldn't normally say to people around them. Maybe you make her feel uncomfortable so she says things to join in with you. You.mention bikes so she tries to.join in. Maybe she's not bragging she thinks she's just joining in. Maybe she's neurodivergent and overshares because she's trying to join in with you. She might.possibly dread the shared time just as much as you. I find myself over sharing because I know I am on safe ground and my.kids are a bit unusual and frequently hilarious. I don't like to ask questions because I find I can put my foot in it.
" Are you still doing ballet?...oh you hated it and your Mum punched Madam Barry?....and the football training?....they kicked you out for vaping in goal....how unreasonable...and Dad got very friendly with Akala the Scout Leader so you are.not doing your Duke of Edinburgh anymore..shame."
It's a lot easier not to ask questions sometimes.
Anyway
Chin up she probably loathes you just as much.

I can relate to this. I just grey rock. I know I come across as miserable with RBF but I don't really care

Do this!!!!!!!

it will make your day more fun!

(I mean you don’t even have to do it mentally, if you REALLY want to get the message across you could just pull out a homemade A3 sized bingo card and start ticking things off there and then…🍿)

Also @Sunshinekim just to add… you really don’t have to spend time with people you don’t like.

Try and be a bit more resilient and less occupied by somebody else's behaviour.