How to regain love for Christmas

[Christmasfizzleout]

I used to love Christmas as a child and in my teens. Probably more than the average child. I could sit mesmerised by the Christmas tree lights for hours. I loved the rituals and the familiarity- my grandparents' arrival marked the start, we then decorated the house, mum did her big Sainsbury's shop. It was my favourite time of year.

Now in my 40s, I'm the complete opposite. I find Christmas really stressful and sad. This is partly because I lost my mum a few years ago. It also just makes me feel old and scared about our children growing up so quickly . I also hate the excess and increasing consumerism of a modern Christmas.

I don't want to turn into Scrooge and ruin Christmas for everyone else. What can I do to start enjoying Christmas again? The last few years have resorted to drinking my way through the day, which is not the solution! I'm considering having counselling as it's almost turning into a phobia. Should add I'm ND and I expect this is a lot to do with my inability to adapt to change.

And I don't think a brisk walk in the countryside after lunch will cut it!

That’s tough op .. I’m in my 40s with youngish kids and I sort of don’t feel the butterkifes or anything even though it’s a really nice day (suffer a bit with anxiety and it’s been a hard year emotionally probably combined with peri)

I am thinking of doing some volunteer work (I do a little in the summer) but at this time of year - to bring back a bit of meaning. Going to look into this for next year

I felt this way about Christmas around 5-10 years ago, it just felt meaningless and empty. I'd had such magical Christmases as a child and tried so hard to replicate them for our children too. I put far too much pressure on myself to make it perfect.
A few years ago, I became a Christian and Christmas now far surpasses my childhood experiences where it was all about Father Christmas and presents. I adore going to church and celebrating the coming of Lord Jesus with others. It's no longer about consumerism and perfect pictures for social media. I am so thankful to have Christmas as a genuine celebration and love to share this with our children and DH.
I do understand though OP, it's horrid when you're expected to be full of Christmas cheer and you're just not.

Are you single?

It's ok to feel this way. It's ok to love it and revel in it but equally ok, in a different set of circumstances, to see what it really is. It is mass consumerism and it's alot of stress for many in the name of consumerism ( dressed up as something else).

I used to adore Christmas. But I'm older and my circumstances changed so I see it differently now. I think that's ok. Because it can be a bit depressing for people like us who are seen differently if we aren't singing and dancing, it might be worth planning a complete escape next year? Could you go do something just for you, something exciting that gets you away from it. I always fancied the sea swimming type activity. If I physically could, that's what I'd probably do.

@TakeMyLifeAndLetItBe I'll always be a dedicated atheist but I really do envy faith like this. I can see how it brings alot for some. It feels much more intrinsically rewarding than the consumerist approach to Christmas.

I keep me of gave my head a wobble and had a word with myself.

So many things made Christmas a meaningless shite burden of stress for years for me.

I worked all of Christmas, day shifts, night shifts, the whole thing so didn’t even have a tree. No point, I wasn’t there. I didn’t have a choice about this, it was expected.
A significant bereavement of someone whose birthday is Christmas Day.

Then along came my children. This changed the dynamic completely. Change of job, Christmas off.
So I made new traditions, new exciting plans, made up for missing out for so many years.
In essence, I changed my thinking, so glad I did. We love it. LOVE IT!!

I don’t cook so dh does all of that, shopping we do between us equally but he is more imaginative with presents, so it’s all shared very much. Not one part of it is just n my shoulders alone.

No am not single. Have a long term partner and 2 DC - 12 and 14. It's partly because of the DC that I want to try to get some Christmas spirit back.

I guess I do need to do some thought work and as @Tittat50 said, accept that it's ok to not feel like Mrs Claus all day. I expect a lot of this is down to unresolved grief, my mum was quite central to our Xmas celebrations.

I've thought about the Christian aspect- had a moderately religious upbringing- but am not sure that going down that route will help. I'm definitely spiritual but not sure organised religion is the answer.

It might try paring back Christmas and keeping everything far more simple. This could help with the overwhelm.

Or maybe I should put more focus on Xmas eve or boxing day - to take the pressure off the big day?

Hope everyone else is surviving.

I agree. It helps face illness and death too.

We had our Christmas lunch yesterday so that we could make time for church without rushing around. I love to spread the celebrations out over a few days and minimise the stress (for me, mainly!)

I sympathise - wanting a feeling of connection whilst finding that hard to make is very difficult. I'm very similar - I go to church at Christmas for a sense of community and not consumerism but I find any sort of regular service commitment mentally overwhelming with the social dynamics.

You're not alone, it's a difficult day and I should probably get off mn and stop avoiding family!

I hear you. I enjoy the build-up, especially the local Christmas markets. The week of Christmas, I always feel a bit flat. I think it's the last minute planning and organising especially with food and drink and we always have more than we need.

I have found for the last couple of years that I need to stop putting pressure on myself. I lost my dad, who loved Christmas and always made it magical. I miss him, especially around the holidays, and that's normal. Yesterday I had a moment, to myself away from everyone else and felt better afterwards. Then myself, OH and the boys got a takeaway and watched a couple of episodes of 'The Skeleton Crew - Star Wars.' Their choice lol I didn't fancy a traditional Christmas film last night like everyone else. I watched 'Rise of the planet of the apes' and loved it lol 😆 Then me and OH watched another episode of the 'Burning Girls' on Netflix later on 😆 Both boys were upstairs online with their friends. I guess what I'm saying - in a long winded way - is do what makes you happy. It doesn't have to be festive Christmas things all day every day because that's when you burn yourself out. Everyone goes nuts for all things Christmas from Christmas eve and it can be a big let down. I feel I have the right mix now. Don't beat yourself up and make new traditions 🙂

Oh and my boys are 18 and 11. They still have xmas eve pjs and treats, and a stocking with their presents. It actually gets easier as the kids get older - less stress and much more relaxing which I prefer personally lol 🙂

Just wanted to say.....you know that Mum who was at the centre of so many wonderful Christmases? She taught you all you need to know and that baton has passed to you. 🥰

I was feeling similar the last few years and I usually love christmas.

This year I decided to try to cut down on expectations. The kids have still had some nice presents, Christmas Eve box etc but we changed some things.

Went out for lunch instead of doing it at home. So saved all day yesterday just to do nice things with the kids instead of cleaning, tidying, prepping lunch, setting table etc. we went for a nice walk, watched some Christmas tv, played games. It was lovely.

Didn't stress about wrapping all presents perfectly with bows etc. I just wrapped them up.

No elf on the shelf.

Spent today playing with kids, walking the dogs, watching tv. Instead of rushing round getting lunch prepared, served up, tidied away for about 9 people. The people who wanted to came for lunch with us, the others made other plans.

Honestly I've had such a lovely day. I think perhaps less is more?

Don't make me cry!! Thank you

Yes I think less might be more. Can I say it here- I hate cranberry sauce. No one in my house or immediate family likes cranberry sauce. I buy a jar every year just in case ....

This might be a tad extreme, but I married a German and we have taken on a lot of German Christmas traditions! Christmas eve is as important as Christmas day, and spreading the celebrations over two days makes for less stress! They also take a much less consumerist approach - far fewer gifts, less pressure to capture everything on SM, just generally more low key and more heartfelt. We are currently with my in-laws and spent yesterday playing in the snow in the Black Forest.

I guess my point is to make a conscious decision to step away from the stuff that stresses you out, do not partake in competitive present buying, food buying etc., and forge traditions that mean something to you as a family.

I think Christmas is different across different seasons of our lives, sorry to say I don't think it's possible to recapture childhood Christmases, but definitely ways to make it more enjoyable and special for where you are in life now.

I agree with a PP that the magic your mum created will feel the same to your children for the work you put into the day. That said, now they're a bit older think of what traditions and aspects you love and which you do because you feel you should but no one really enjoys much. Include them in reflecting on it maybe; i would bet their favourite parts aren't the cranberry sauce no one eats but something small.

I hope you the day wasnt so bad op and I'm sorry you're missing your mum. Christmas day can feel so fraught as a parent and while I don't like thinking of my mum as being fraught either I think I probably had lovely Christmases as a child where she felt flustered and not all that magical.

I'm not sure it's ever possible to bring back that wonder and awe of childhood and recreate it for yourself as an adult.. is it worth reflecting on the bits that matter to you and stripping back others. You could all have a conversation in the new year and pick one 'thing' to keep and one to throw away. I also agree that there's something special about the days rather than the day and I suspect that might have been the case as a child. I've started trying to see the season that way and enjoy things about the build up. (For example I always meet a friend in December for dinner and we get dressed up or I do a craft workshop this year I lino printed cards. I know that sounds a bit twee but they are things I've looked forward to and established my own traditions around). Then we spread out visitors over eve, day and boxing day which makes it feel more sociable and connected to me (but I understand that's not for everyone).

Why bother? You don't have to love Christmas just because many others do.

You just don't have to be a misery at Christmas time.

I'm not mad about it either but just deal with it without letting on.

@Christmasfizzleout I agree with everything you say. We are not a wealthy family but have always been 'comfortable'. As a child I enjoyed it but I remember REALLY wanting that doll, or that bike and that's what we got with not a lot else. Pens and pencil cases filled my boots. As did practising writing in italics like my mum did. I loved to to watch horses in the snow and take my dog out at Xmas. Back then I didn't get overwhelmed with people, either. Now I can only keep my social batteries going for about 2 hours then I'm desperate to go home. I have grown up children, who are throughly spoilt by exH who is very wealthy. Thank God they don't act in a spilt manner and are grateful and polite. I don't feel the need to keep up with the Jones' or my exH in any way. I think social media has and materialism has ruined the simplicity of Xmas and its meaning, but as most people aren't religious any more (that includes me), it's just a day when people indulge in gross excesses. Even as a child I could never understand why anyone would want to stuff their face until they felt sick, and I still don't. Who needs a starter, main and desert when one meal would suffice?
I'm going away with my dogs next year, so we'll see how that pans out. It's lovely if you have small kids, but as an adult I really wouldn't care if I celebrated Xmas ever again.

Christmases when I was a child were frankly horrible. They can actually get better. I think they can be adapted. If you can change them into something that works for you, you will be more relaxed and the people round you will pick up on that. Also as children get older, being able to see their friends before and after Xmas Day becomes more important. It isn't all about you being some imaginary perfect provider.

This is the post I was looking for today - I am in my late 40s, divorced with teenagers. Throw into that a family rift at Christmas last year too! I only have my kids every second Christmas and have been trying not to get stressed and overwhelmed and not feel I have to do all the “shoulds” and thought about what I want - I have been working on that in counselling this year.

so Christmas season has been low key, and yesterday was ok but a bit boring. I think before I relied on the buzziness of the bigger family Christmas to make it “special”. Yesterday was just quiet. I went for a walk with friends in the morning after Christmas presents with my children. then and I had one sibling (who didn’t seem in good form) and my kids. Dinner was lovely but loads of work, and it felt slightly dull around that. I find it hard to get everyone to do something “fun”. Games never really works out. I deliberately didn’t drink much as I use to rely ok alcohol for “fun”.

it was all ok, but today I am thinking I wish there was a wee but extra of something that is still “me” to lift the day a bit.

I have felt the same as you for the past few years. Part of the problem for me is that the years whizz by as we get older, and it feels like Christmas has only just finished before it starts again.

Also, Christmas things start appearing in the shops from September these days... that's a third of the year devoted to Christmas! So it's no wonder it feels too soon.

This year I resolutely ignored anything Christmassy until I felt ready (mid December) and that helped enormously. We also scaled right back on decorations, cards and presents, and made fewer plans in December so it would be less overwhelming. We all agreed yesterday that Christmas was better than ever this year.

I feel you OP. I lost my dad in December 2020, and for that year and the next couple of subsequent years, December changed to me; it felt bleak and cold instead of bracing and magical.

I've slowly recovered on that front, but what I'm actually finding draining is the amount of work involved. I put so much prep and work and mental energy into the day, and am kind of a backstage player when it comes to it. It also tires me out. My kids were asking me to do several things with them yesterday and I had to say no to all of them as I was making the dinner for everyone 😔

I've decided next year I'm not doing a roast, even if it's for one year.