Big falling out with brother - not sure how to feel?

[Bigfallingout]

About three months ago, I had a big falling out with my brother. DM (who struggles with her property but refuses to sell it) summoned us all to help clear the overgrown garden against the fence that she and the neighbour were replacing. This was a big job as there were bits about things laying against fence, bits where things had been placed against the fence that the garden had grown over, bits that were all garden.

I turned up at 10am and started on the garden, brother turned up probably about 12pm with his DP - I offered to help with loading things into trailer but told help not needed. All good I keep gardening.

Sister turns up about 1.30pm and sits down on couch, I am inside having a drink of water, brother comes in and starts not quite yelling but almost at us about not helping when his DP is helping and doesn’t need to. I said I wasn’t the one sitting on the couch and not to speak so aggressively to me. Brother then yelled and I told him to fuck off. Sister scuttles off to help and DM says she is staying out of it.

Since then we haven’t spoken. Found out today that DM and Dsis are having Christmas Eve with them as they won’t come to lunch at DM’s because I won’t apologise. But I don’t see why I should - I worked bloody hard for much longer than him in that garden and I won’t be spoken to how he spoke to me. And weirdly - I don’t really care? I thought I would? Should I apologise or should I accept this is how it is now, that we never cared that much in the first place?

Does he know you were there from 10?

Sounds like he didn’t want to do it amd took his anger out in you

message him your points above and ask exactly why you need to apologise

It's not your place to apologise it's out of order as you was there way before them and made a start

Life’s too short for all this drama. Sounds like there’s a pair of you in it and you both need to meet in the middle.

He was out of order although you inflamed things by telling him to fuck off.

But either way this has blown way out of proportion. To me, becoming estranged from a sibling over a one off row about who isn't pulling their weight with gardening seems like madness, and I'd have apologised for the sake of everyone moving on with their lives.

To be honest I am not sure if he knew what time I arrived, although he definitely knew I was there when he got there. But DM says “she is not getting involved”. I said to her today is she happy if two of her children never speak again because she won’t tell my brother what time I was there and what I was doing because it seems he needs a witness? We have another brother who lives overseas who refuses to get involved in the property drama which is very stressful - he will only come to help if she signs up an estate agent to sell/she dies.

Is there some backstory to this as it doesn’t seem worth falling out over

I agree with you except he was so aggressive towards me which is why I used the language I did. To be honest I thought it would just all blow over like sibling rows do and we would see each other at Christmas, but we are not because I am the villain apparently.

No I wouldn’t have said so, that’s why it is all so wierd really. I didn’t realise that he was going to refuse to spend Christmas with me but also I don’t see that I was so in the wrong!

I agree with previous poster that questioned the backstory. I feel like this must be just the tip of the iceberg in terms of bad feelings between the two of you.
Otherwise no one's reaction makes sense.

Sorry, I'm really confused - is there a reason you didn't just say 'I've been here since 10am' at the time, or havnt text him since saying 'I got there at 10am so I think there might have been some confusion there' - I'm guessing there's backstory here?

Is he being prissy then just because you used the f word ?

I guess it boils down to he thinks I should apologise and I think he should. To be honest most contact facilitated through DM so haven’t noticed the not speaking to so much until now. No previous backstory but the property situation is very stressful.

I bet he's the Golden Balls son, mummy's Best Boy.

And I bet that's why you are not that bothered about the situation - a lifetime of having to put up with his dick behaviour while DM "doesn't get involved" except to passively take his side, like now.

I fell out with my brother over 2 years ago and to be honest it's the best thing I have ever done by cutting contact. My mum does try to make me see him again, but I have said until I get an apology (he was blatantly in the wrong) then it won't happen. She has left it now for 9 months so I am expecting a bout of it over Xmas.

Just keep yourself to yourself is my advice. If he's going to be a twat then just cut him off completely.

OMG, why are you trying to get your mother involved - it’s a very passive aggressive attitude to ask her if she’s happy if two of her children never speak again. If I was your mother I wouldn’t get involved either.

Do you really want to fall out with your brother over something so trivial? If you are not prepared to try to resolve this you must then accept the long term implications of this argument and stop trying to get other family members involved

I didn’t really realise how bad it was until today to be honest. I agree with you, I need to decide if I want to resolve or not - currently feeling not but as you said I need to consider the long term implications.

There's a thread running about how things don't need to get this complicated and proper communication sorts things out. Just text him and tell him that you were there from 10am for goodness sake, why on earth are you trying to get your mother involved?

I'd send a text saying something like.

Can we put the garden incident behind us for mums sake? I had been there from 10am so felt I was pulling my weight.

And then leave it up to him.

@Bigfallingout is this sort of behaviour out of character for him, or not? That makes a difference.

My sister and I have always got on very well, however a few years ago, she accused me of doing something which she took offence to. When I pointed out she was wrong, I would have expected her to have known that I would never have done the thing she accused me of, which in itself was utterly trivial, but she took uncharacteristic umbrage to. Since it was so out of character for her, I took the view that she was under pressure herself for some reason, and chose to put it all behind me. It has changed our relationship, but only because she still believes she was right. I could choose to be offended forevermore on the basis that she should know me better, but to be honest, life is too short, and I choose not to carry all that around.

Depending on whether he has form, and in fact even if he does, don't burden yourself with it. It is so draining.

Possibly he was getting it in the neck from his partner so he took it out on you.

Either way, just talk to him for God's sake. Not talking to a member of your family because of his is just ridiculous. You don't have to be best friends, just be civil!!!

“I’m sorry you didn’t realize I had been at mum’s since 1000.”

Fair enough. I guess am also annoyed as didn’t realise how bad the falling out was which is why we spoke today about it today given the Christmas eve dinner. I need to decide to what to do, dealing with my mother’s property brings out the worst in all of us as it is so stressful because she can’t maintain it which is the real backstory. We all just want her to sell it and move into something that is easy.

I had a similar relative. Kept saying "not involved" but always happy to carry tales from one side to the other.
When I said, well did you tell them what actually happened? I'd get the same reply "Oh I'm not getting involved" Having been involved at all stages and stirring and letting me know hurtful details like they were meeting up with whoever and I was excluded.

Your Mum is a stirrer. Its a power game and she's happy to be going from side to side and getting a reaction to carry back to the first one. That way she's in charge and controlling both of you.

She could easily tell him OP was there from 10 am and working hard. She was taking a break when you shouted at her. Thereby ending the story. But she won't because she gets more of a buzz out of being a go between for both sides.

Take the wind out of her sails. Send your brother a calm, factual text...not an apology but an explanation and say you think this is a daft thing to fall out over and of course, you don't want to put dear Mum in the middle. If he wants to discuss it with you directly he can.

Encourage your DM to get her affairs in order now or with your unco-operative family (including overseas Bro who will turn up to check on the will) it will be a hell of a drama when the time comes. Consider asking her to get a day's garden clearance done by people who have the knowledge and equipment to break the back of the garden work, so that you have more manageable task as this story could run and run.

ps. If you lose your temper and tell him to eff off instead of correcting his assumption, you lose the higher ground and give everyone a chance to pile in with an opinion.

This has been blown way out of proportion.

It sounds like none of you wanted to be there and you’re all resentful of it (which I get) but you’ve taken it out on each other.

I think it was a bit harsh of you to try and throw your sister under the bus.
If you had a problem with her sitting on the sofa, then you should have told her that at the time and not try and drag her into the argument between you and brother.

He was in a bit more of a bad mood because his DP was there and she may have been moaning about it or he was just embarrassed/annoyed about it.

My mum is similar to your mum and we all get dragged into doing shit like this and it makes us so angry.
We tend to rant about our mum to each other though.

I would text your brother and say you’ve heard he’s annoyed with you.

Put what you’ve put on here, that you had been there since 10 and you’d sat down to have a drink and he came in having a go at you and so you don’t understand why he’s mad at you.