Big falling out with brother - not sure how to feel?

[Bigfallingout]

About three months ago, I had a big falling out with my brother. DM (who struggles with her property but refuses to sell it) summoned us all to help clear the overgrown garden against the fence that she and the neighbour were replacing. This was a big job as there were bits about things laying against fence, bits where things had been placed against the fence that the garden had grown over, bits that were all garden.

I turned up at 10am and started on the garden, brother turned up probably about 12pm with his DP - I offered to help with loading things into trailer but told help not needed. All good I keep gardening.

Sister turns up about 1.30pm and sits down on couch, I am inside having a drink of water, brother comes in and starts not quite yelling but almost at us about not helping when his DP is helping and doesn’t need to. I said I wasn’t the one sitting on the couch and not to speak so aggressively to me. Brother then yelled and I told him to fuck off. Sister scuttles off to help and DM says she is staying out of it.

Since then we haven’t spoken. Found out today that DM and Dsis are having Christmas Eve with them as they won’t come to lunch at DM’s because I won’t apologise. But I don’t see why I should - I worked bloody hard for much longer than him in that garden and I won’t be spoken to how he spoke to me. And weirdly - I don’t really care? I thought I would? Should I apologise or should I accept this is how it is now, that we never cared that much in the first place?

Get your mum to arrange a gardener two or three times a year to do a general cleanup. I couldn’t manage my garden so eventually got it redone to maintenance free but I still get gardener in few times a year for a tidy up.

Dear God! The OP is to blame for losing it. Sis is wrong fo rsitting on the sofa. Brother's partner ( assuned to be female) is to blame for complaining about being there. And DM is to blame for asking for the favour in the first place!

The only one not to blame is Golden Balls. Because there is no way that he could have worked out for himself from the amount of materialbwaiting to be loaded for the tip that the OP had done a load of work before he got there.

And then the cheek of it - the OP actually stood up for herself when the man in the house castigated her and her sister for sitting while he laboured! Women today just don't know how to take a reprimand.

I don't think either of you need an apology, it was just a heated exchange, no groveling needed. However depends if you want to smooth it over and be included. Pp spot on your mum is enjoying the triangulation and drama. My mum was the same.

Boxing Day 2022 my brother phoned and gave me a massive blocking for something that was his responsibility on Xmas day, I did apologize but that was it for me, I never spoke to him again he had always been a bully. I went NC 4 weeks later with all of them. My family are batshit, abusive and dysfunctional. My life is so much calmer without all the anxiety.

Swallow your pride and apologize (even if you don't mean it) Hopefully your brother will too.
Do it now and then start to enjoy the day ahead.
Christmas is special and not everyone has a family (for many reasons) to enjoy it with.

I would not be apologising. Why should you be made the scapegoat for your sisters laziness? Weird for your mum and sister to go to them and leave you out. I’d be helping none of them with anything ever again if this is the thanks you get.

Why are you making this a sex thing?

Sounds like you have some issues that you are projecting.

The main one to blame in this situation is the DM, as OP will say herself.

This issue makes them all angry and they all end up taking it out on each other.

None of them are fully in the wrong but there has just been a huge lack of communication.

DB and his partner had been working hard and came in to see both sisters sat on the sofa.
He was annoyed about it and then it turned into an argument.

OP needs to message him and be factual about it and ask him why he’s mad at her when she’s done nothing wrong.

Sorry OP but there is never an excuse for telling your brother to F off. There are a thousand more effective ways to make your point and tell him he is wrong. All of that conversation is anger and it’s about hurting each other rather than having a conversation.

He may have started the unnecessary argument but he doesn’t know the background of you being there etc. So he was being aggressive because he shouted at you? He didn’t come at you and there is no excuse for the way you reacted. I think you need to see your side in this. Every argument includes both people. You can’t control his behaviour but you can control your own.

I think you should apologise for your outburst but then it will also give you a chance to explain your side (which you weren’t able to do when you told him to do one).

I'd message something like this.

"Hi
I'm sorry I won't be seeing you on Christmas day.

I'm also sorry we argued at mum's. I worked bloody hard that day in her garden, as did you. Let's not fall out over an overgrown garden.

Merry Christmas".

With that message you do the sensible thing to clear the air but without agreeing with him regarding his argument as you did absolutely nothing wrong.

If he doesn't accept the olive branch then leave him to his sulking.

Thanks Lindy, I think this is good message. Actually this thread has helped me put things in perspective re the argument - the state of the house makes us all very stressed and to be honest, I am annoyed that I am being excluded when I do a lot to sort things out for her.