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Original poster

Best friends kids disrespect my house

52 replies

Whyseverythingsocomplicated · 17/12/2024 20:53

So my best friend who I love spending time with keeps asking to get together for New Year’s Eve. By get together she means come round my house as she says hers is too small. And also she will expect to have a sleepover which would be fine except she has two children one 15 and one 12 (I have 10 years old twins). The 12 year old however has major behaviour problems and when hes been round mine in the past he’s goes snooping in my bedroom and my daughters messing with stuff he shouldn’t mess with. He also gets my son figures and bashes them on his furniture in his room and last time he came he decided to go in the craft room paint buzz light year with red paint then put it on my sons carpet getting paint everywhere. I have just decorated my son’s bedroom and feel if they are here I just won’t be able to relax and will be on edge all night. I just do not trust him and I certainly don’t want them sleeping over. I don’t feel like I can be completely honest with my friend, help!

OP posts:
SunshineAndFizz · 22/12/2024 07:39

I agree honestly is good - but in theory it's hard to do!!

I'd try to keep it light:

"Yes it would be nice to see you NY but can we do it at yours this time - after the red paint party I need a break from hosting"

buttonousmaximous · 22/12/2024 07:40

I'd either go to hers or say no. Be honest as to why.

MikeRafone · 22/12/2024 07:46

I’d text or say

its just so stressful for me having you visit as we don’t know how Jack is going to behave, after last time I’ve still not got the stain out of the carpet. Why don’t we all come to you & I can get a taxi home. I can bring some xyz

IhadaStripeyDeckchair · 22/12/2024 07:56

Why do you feel guilty for not wanting her & her kids at your house?

You need to protect your children & their valued processions, otherwise the message you are giving them is that they are not important and poor behaviour has no consequences.

Petrasings · 22/12/2024 07:59

It is not fair on your children op. They shouldn’t have to put up with this. I wouldn’t subject them to it at all. No way.

We had friends like this, and stopped meeting up with the children. I did not think it was fair on my children to have to put up with such awful behaviour. Just keep the friendship to adults only. Meet for drinks, dinner, girls evenings and keep your dc out of it.

Onethinnyatatime · 22/12/2024 08:00

Say the truth. Wouldn't not you prefer to be told the real reason than just an excuse?
I am surprised your friend is asking to come to yours after her son ruined your carpets??

Owly11 · 22/12/2024 08:08

Just say no? Or say you'll meet her for a coffee. Of course you should never allow her children in your house again if they haven't really made good the damage or changed in any way.

NCTDN · 22/12/2024 08:14

I agree about honesty. Maybe she needs someone to tell her straight.

Balancedcitizen101 · 22/12/2024 08:16

Tell a white lie to get out of doing it. Does the mum know about the previous stuff? I know you are best friends but a 15 year old and then a 12 year old and two 10 year olds? Wouldn't the 15 year old not want to do it? Bit uncool / big age gap in context? No offence it's just an age where everything is uncool to people. Good luck with getting out of it this year.

Embarrassinglyuseless · 22/12/2024 08:34

SunshineAndFizz · 22/12/2024 07:39

I agree honestly is good - but in theory it's hard to do!!

I'd try to keep it light:

"Yes it would be nice to see you NY but can we do it at yours this time - after the red paint party I need a break from hosting"

This is good! It’s honest, expresses willing to see her but not to host them

HWDDHOH · 22/12/2024 08:38

Say no. Just a quiet one and you've pre-ordered a take away. She sounds like a taker.

Highfivemum · 22/12/2024 10:19

speak to her. I am sorry to say that I did the coward thing with one of my closest friends and just gradually cut contact a bit. I regretted it later as it was hard for her too

CherryBlossom321 · 22/12/2024 10:28

As someone who put up with similar, and said nothing due to lack of personal boundaries, fear of conflict and confrontation, and an overriding desire to always be “polite”…...just tell her the truth. If she’s already aware his behaviour isn’t ok, that’s helpful. My friend was in flat out denial and wouldn’t accept her child did anything wrong. It escalated to fake tan sprayed up my bedroom walls, huge finger indentations in my bathroom products, and attempted stealing of jewellery (I intervened at the front door and got it back). Put an honest stop to it, I regret not acting sooner.

jennylamb1 · 22/12/2024 10:32

Her child might have additional needs in fairness and lack understanding of appropriate boundaries. Additional needs such as autism provide an explanation but in my opinion not an excuse for such behaviour. You don't have to put up with it, so you could have them round for the evening and then they could go home. Just give a white lie such as you or your children aren't sleeping well and need some peace and quiet and perhaps allude to the previous behaviour.

kiwiane · 22/12/2024 10:47

Just tell her - she knows what he’s like but has the nerve to push visiting you - she’s being fairly rude.

Fraaances · 22/12/2024 11:33

Nope - no house is big enough for those vandals

permanently · 22/12/2024 11:38

It sounds like the child would be happiest in his own home, where his family can give him the attention he needs.

MamaBear4ever · 23/12/2024 07:18

Think of it as protecting your children's safe space, not letting down your friend. If the kid was a toddler you would put up with that kind of behaviour but 12!!!?? She needs to do something about her son's behaviour or she needs to accept that going to other people's houses is just a no

Lightswitchup · 23/12/2024 07:24

I’ve had similar but it’s been difficult recently to keep putting her off with excuses without it becoming quite obvious, and she is wondering why. It might be better just to tell her the truth.

Kazzybingbong · 23/12/2024 09:04

Sounds like the kid may have something else going on if he’s doing this? ODD? Maybe even PDA. If that’s the case though, she shouldn’t be putting him in situations where this can happen.

You’re well within your rights to not have them over. I wouldn’t, even if the kids were angels because NYE is for crafting and going to bed like every other night 🤣

Original poster
Whyseverythingsocomplicated · 28/12/2024 23:28

Well I feel awful now, just spoken to my best friend and she’s had an awful Christmas. She’s not seen anyone over Christmas and her and the boys are right fed up. I think she’s even a bit peed off with me as I’ve offered to meet up with them next week but she changed the subject.

OP posts:
Thevelvelletes · 28/12/2024 23:44

Don't feel bad , you don't decorate and make the family home as nice as possible for it to be trashed therefore costing you more time and money plus your children should feel comfortable in their own home and not have their things destroyed.

SunshineAndFizz · 29/12/2024 08:11

Whyseverythingsocomplicated · 28/12/2024 23:28

Well I feel awful now, just spoken to my best friend and she’s had an awful Christmas. She’s not seen anyone over Christmas and her and the boys are right fed up. I think she’s even a bit peed off with me as I’ve offered to meet up with them next week but she changed the subject.

Sorry to hear she's had a bad time - but that's not your fault. And it's not your responsibility to make sure everyone else is okay.

Of course be a good friend, but not at the expense of yourself/your house/your family.

WomanIsTaken · 29/12/2024 08:34

Being a parent of a child whose behaviour is challenging, whether due to SEND or not, can be very disheartening, not least because you are always factoring in the potential impact of your DC's behaviour on the people and environments you consider being in. Your poor friend. And poor you, trying to be kind to everyone involved.

DC1's anxiety (ASD) has been crippling at times, and has caused me to decline, or modify the conditions of, so many social engagements and events over the years. Most obviously for her sake ‐it's not fair to put a DC who struggles with social conventions and expectations in situations where they will find it difficult to comply- but also for the sake of others who simply find it too stressful. In DC1's case, separation anxiety, causing her to want to stay in the same room as me, which many hosts have found gets in the way of 'grown up' socialising.

frozendaisy · 29/12/2024 09:53

But you have tried OP and you can't have her 12 year old for a sleepover it's not fair on your children.

And you offered to meet up, but the mum wanted things all on her terms. Yes she probably does want a house she can just let him trash whilst she gets some adult time but that's just not possible. He's 12, he's only going to get bigger and less able to tell off or control.

Reoffer the meeting up, even suggest you help her investigate futher help, support, medication for her 12 yr old in the New Year. But you have two children as well.

You're not abandoning her OP you are just looking after your household and at the moment her 12 yr old staying over is not compatible.

If she wants to get the hump then fine, not much you can do.

Is their dad around? Could you suggest a night out whilst they are with their dad/grandparents?