Christmas arrangements with son's dad. Am I being unreasonable?

[ThatLovingRaven]

I have a 5 year old DS. I am his full time parent. He lives with me . We agreed he stays at dad's every other weekend and has tea there on a Wednesday. Fine.
No court arrangement. My ex threatened to off himself if i ever went through the courts or contacted CMS due to "everything hes been through"-backstory, he lost a few members of his family close together which obviously hit him hard. He uses this as his excuse for everything, including cancelling his days and rearranging. Which I have done with no hesitation as I was trying to help him out and just wanted a peaceful life tbh
.... He also has never done one school run. He is in bed most days until the afternoon, clamining a "bad night" due to his mental health issues. I call him at 1pm sometimes later to do with our DS and he is regularly unavailable. Late for sports days...parents evenings...generally just half assed behaviour.
For the last few Christmases DS has been with me due to his dad having other family engagements which to him were clearly priority over spending christmas with his son, and since his dad and I separated in 2022 ( i left him and was placed in temporary accommodation with DS by council due to the nature of our relationship breakdown.
DS has had christmas eve and morning with me all his life.
My proposal to DS's dad was this year, since he has now suddenly decided he wants to celebrate Christmas again, I have DS christmas eve as usual, there are plans made for DS to see his nan and grandad, and christmas morning we open presents together and I take him to his dad's place for about 11am where he will have dinner and stay until 27th or beyond if he likes

Ex has flat out said NO and this year, it's only fair that HE has him christmas eve so he can wake up with DS christmas day.

Obviously this has broken my heart.
I asked my DS and he said when I asked him what he would prefer he said "I want to wake up here in my bed because Santa knows where I live!"

So I have said No to his dad and we will stick with original plans. Son doesn't like change he is on the asd spectrum, like myself.

His dad, has no threatened to get a solicitor on me if I don't answer him by 5pm today!

What do I do??

I am standing my ground but how do I go moving forward??

Tell him to do his worst and stop being so accommodating. Get into court , get a proper agreement , CMS the works and let him get on with it .

To be honest a solicitor isn’t going to do anything by Christmas Eve, and common sense would say the child does have a day where they go, but I imagine he’s bluffing anyway.

It seems reasonable since your child has only ever known Christmas morning at your house to keep that as the plan, maybe next year if his dad’s newfound enthusiasm has proven more stable you can sort things more in advance for him to do Xmas morning. You’ve not said no to Xmas day, so I don’t think it’s unreasonable what you’re suggesting.

Also another vote for you need to get this sorted anyway. Friend is going through hell with her husband essentially not bringing the kids back when he says (basically abducting them to the other end of the country and out of school for “holidays” with new girlfriend and police can do nothing as there’s no order in place and he’s their dad and can do what he likes basically. Obviously school are fining for absences but that doesn’t magic them back home. You need to properly sort this anyway so everything is clearer and you’ve got legal protection for if he drops plans.

Let him crack on. Court wouldn’t happen before Christmas Eve now anyway!

Would he even get dressed to see a solicitor? Ignore ignore ignore. Tbh offer him boxing day afternoon and keep ds to his usual routine.... I hope you claim cms...

Your ex is a lazy arsed git, he won't be getting a solicitor or doing anything, it is just idle threats.

What you have offered is fair, stick to it, and let him do his worst.

I'd be tempted to get CMS and court orders in place and stop being a doormat to his demands.

Let him go to court. It will be in your long term best interest to get something legally sorted out anyway. If he really does get to see a solicitor then it will be one sign that he is serious about seeing his son.

What you have suggested is more than reasonable.

I seriously doubt he will bother going to a solicitor. I don't see what they could anyway without any formal arrangements in place.

Just send a message back saying ' we do absolutely need to get this on a firmer footing for the years to come so yes please, do instruct your solicitor and I'll wait to hear. For now, I'd like to stick to our original agreement so Jack will be with you at 11am on Christmas Day'

And then ignore him

Go to CMS, his response to that isn't your responsibility.

These lazy dads always threaten court and rarely follow through so just ignore his threats. It wouldn't get anywhere near court before Christmas anyway.

He's trying to control you with the whole CMS and court thing, don't let him.

And stop engaging in text tennis with him. No good ever comes of it

Let him get a solicitor and tell him you respond when he does. You have an established pattern of care so let him try all he wants.

Always wondered why Dads who won't do 50:50 throughout the year think they should get 50:50 on Christmas (unless of course the child wants it). Only prepared to do one night in 14? You'll just have one Christmas in 14 then. Anyway, hold firm OP. If he's too tight to pay for his child there's no way in hell he's stumping up for a lawyer. And please ignore his crap about CMS and file a claim.

Just remind him the unofficial agreement is every other weekend and tea on a wednesday. As Christmas Day is a Wednesday you tell him that DS will be at his in time for tea

Wow..I've read the responses so far and I'm just so glad I posted on here. I've been in emotional turmoil since we split, he always has found a way to manipulate me to do things his way...also he has a 21 year old son who his mother basically brought up for him, but he takes full credit for that too, but won't hear that for love nor money!

I will be seriously considering CMS after Christmas is done..and I have full support from my family and close friends, who have all seen how he has worn me down.

Why should he get the special days all because he thinks it's what's "fair"

He runs 2 big cars and does not work...I think he is claiming pip due to his mental health as I know he applied... but he wouldn't inform me of this I don't think.

Thank you all so much. Time for me to grow a pair...get things put in place for future..

I'm scared the court will make go in his favour cos he knows how to play the old violin..

I thought your original was unbelievably accommodating and far more than I’d have offered in the circumstances. So I’d say he can have that or nothing. Or offer less now.

let him get a solicitor, it wouldn’t be sorted by Christmas anyway and at least then he’ll have to pay cms. Apparently he’s well enough now to consider court so that’s great news.

I think this is the perfect moment for the Thumbs Up Emoji (to his suggestion of a solicitor). In this case, it ight be that you have to reply as it might not be clear which part of his comment you are thumbs upping.

Let him call a solicitor. 2 weeks before christmas, NOTHING is going to happen. x1000 considering how shit he has been to date.

At the end of the day, he didn't want to put anything formal in place. That has worked for him as he's been able to drift in and out, whenever he likes, has not paid a penny towards your son etc. But now it's not working for him because if there was a court order, arrangements for Chrsitmas and birthdays would be included. Sucks to be him.

1. Go to CMS today and get the ball rolling there is no point in eating.

2. You can't take him to court, court is for him to take you to get access, you can't make him have him.

Courts have huge backlogs and in my experience if you lay out sensible contact arrangements that suit the child then they will agree. Obviously that isn't everyone's experience but it was mine.

We do Christmas eve 12-noon to boxing day 12 noon so that DD doesn't have to leave her presents and gets to have a good amount of time with both families. When she isn't with me we just shifted Christmas so our Christmas eve was the 27th with a panto visit and all the norm Christmas eve things and then Christmas on the 28th it was a non-issue. Shifting Christmas is fine but if you do do it just make sure DS knows you've written to Santa and he knows where and when to leave his presents as little ones worry about things like that.

This year I would just text back. "Unfortunately we already have made arrangements for the festive period. X will be available to you as normal on - and __ if that works for you. Next year we can look at a different arrangement when we have more notice"

I don’t know if I would bring DS over at 11am on Christmas Day.
He will want to stay with his toys.
Would his father even organise a nice Christmas dinner for him?

He won't instruct a Solicitor and even if he does, it's not like they're going to drop their massive workloads to assist some deadbeat dad see his kid on Christmas Eve just because he's throwing a tantrum.

Ignore him and stick to your guns.

I do understand your point but also you're separated I think it's reasonable that he would want to have him Christmas morning, it should be fair not always you

You've made a reasonable offer and he gets to have DS a decent amount of time over Xmas. Suggest you both do that this year, especially as arrangements have already been made for Xmas Eve, and then may switch things around next year.

Is his mental health in a better state right now, as the one thing I'm wondering if how he's going to cope with a young person wanting to get up early and have his break!

Ride today out op. Then give your head a wobble tomorrow that you even considered him having ds on Christmas day at all!

Tell him you don't want to disappoint your son just in case his father has a 'bad night' and can't get up until 1pm on Christmas Day.

Just had a thought, if you're on ok speaking terms, tell him he can come around at 6am (or whenever DS is likely to be up wanting to open presents) on Christmas Day.