Christmas arrangements with son's dad. Am I being unreasonable?

[ThatLovingRaven]

I have a 5 year old DS. I am his full time parent. He lives with me . We agreed he stays at dad's every other weekend and has tea there on a Wednesday. Fine.
No court arrangement. My ex threatened to off himself if i ever went through the courts or contacted CMS due to "everything hes been through"-backstory, he lost a few members of his family close together which obviously hit him hard. He uses this as his excuse for everything, including cancelling his days and rearranging. Which I have done with no hesitation as I was trying to help him out and just wanted a peaceful life tbh
.... He also has never done one school run. He is in bed most days until the afternoon, clamining a "bad night" due to his mental health issues. I call him at 1pm sometimes later to do with our DS and he is regularly unavailable. Late for sports days...parents evenings...generally just half assed behaviour.
For the last few Christmases DS has been with me due to his dad having other family engagements which to him were clearly priority over spending christmas with his son, and since his dad and I separated in 2022 ( i left him and was placed in temporary accommodation with DS by council due to the nature of our relationship breakdown.
DS has had christmas eve and morning with me all his life.
My proposal to DS's dad was this year, since he has now suddenly decided he wants to celebrate Christmas again, I have DS christmas eve as usual, there are plans made for DS to see his nan and grandad, and christmas morning we open presents together and I take him to his dad's place for about 11am where he will have dinner and stay until 27th or beyond if he likes

Ex has flat out said NO and this year, it's only fair that HE has him christmas eve so he can wake up with DS christmas day.

Obviously this has broken my heart.
I asked my DS and he said when I asked him what he would prefer he said "I want to wake up here in my bed because Santa knows where I live!"

So I have said No to his dad and we will stick with original plans. Son doesn't like change he is on the asd spectrum, like myself.

His dad, has no threatened to get a solicitor on me if I don't answer him by 5pm today!

What do I do??

I am standing my ground but how do I go moving forward??

Also, a lot of people seem to thiink that someone calling a solicitor is the equivalent of a legally forced process. It's not. If he wants to call a solicitor, and then take you to court to arrange proper contact, no problem. But just because he has a solicitor, even if he writes to you, you are not actually obliged to do anything from a legal perspetive until the court orders you to. There are all kinds of things you might do to be fair or to show the court that you are willing, but those aren't legal obligations.

There's a woman on MN whose abusive ex has been threatening her with court via a solicitor for YEARS - but he never actually takes her to court, just gets his lawyer to send scary letters. It's just another abusive tactic.

No matter what he says to you . The court's have seen it all and won't fall for a sob story .
They want facts and the fact is you are the full time parent who does everything .
And as you have said your child wants to be with you . Stick to your plans and don't be bullied.

Ex reckons he is cooking a big dinner for them and his other son. Yes my son won't want to leave his toys...guaranteed. ex has already admitted he hasn't as he put it "gone as mad" as I have this year. His effort at Christmas...last year 3 presents. One of those gifts was the same item as I had bought for DS that year too. I feel like he did that on purpose too.
2022 ruined christmas as he came round to to watch DS open gifts and he had only bpught DS 2 and i had bought fair few more, and he kicked off as i put "from mummy and santa" not just "from santa". Clearly he didn't want me getting all the credit even though it is and always is ME (and santa;)who does all the work. I had to ask him to leave my house that day as he is more than happy to berate me in front of our DS.
Hence why Ieft him

X

You really need to grow a back bone and I mean that in the nicest possible way. You are allowing him to behave like this.

”hi exDH, I made a sensible offer for you to see dc at Xmas and you appear to be enraged by it. I’m not willing to risk DC’s Christmas being spoiled by your bad temper, so I am now offering you only Boxing Day. I will drop dc off at 9am and collect 9am on 27th. Happy to put this on a more formal footing going forwards via court so you will have to stick to your days and do your share of bringing up dc, and it would suit me anyway to put in a CMS claim so I will get ball rolling in the New Year which means for Christmas 2025 we won’t have any last minute tension over the plans.”

Please be mindful that if he is in receipt of means-tested benefits, the CMS payment will only be the princely sum of £7 a week plus an additional £1.40. Hopefully, he will get a job at some point and then that amount will increase.

I know. Thank you! I needed to hear it I'm not going to deny. He's been doing this for too long......
I have just started my CMS claim...please wish me luck 🤞

This.

tell him if he bucks up his ideas and starts pulling his parenting weight, then you will consider sharing Christmas/birthdays etc.

the usual arrangement wit co-parenting is every other Christmas.

I wish you the best of luck and I'm sorry if I came across harsh. You sound like a great parent and he sounds like someone who doesn't deserve to be around your son from the way you've said he behaves.

Is this correct for all cases? As I believe that he is able to work but never has. He and quote "never wants to work for the man"

He has such delusions of grandeur, tells everyone he's a mechanic and self employed but once worked in a tyre shop for 3 weeks. He is on UC and probably PiP.

I have just started my CMS claim...please wish me luck 🤞

Well done for starting it.

just be aware if he’s on ESA or UC benefits CMS will be a flat rate of £7 a week.

I doubt you will see any money but it’s the principle and also do get a proper court ordered arrangement for visitation to avoid hassle in future .

He's not going to get a solicitor, he can't make it out of bed!

I take it domestic abuse was involved. Go back to whoever helped you get out at the time.

Yes I believe this is the reason he won't go to work. If he did get have to pay me more through the CMS. He is on benefits all his life.

Get yee straight on the phone to CMS.

Throughout my life I’ve see men manipulate women with the “don’t you dare use CMS”

Always wankers. Always.

Can I just say that if the CMS claim is likely to result in nothing, and you're already in a contentious situation with him right now re hristmas, I'd put off the claim until after Christmas. Not to appease him, but to hopeflly lower the heat for your ds? men like this will 100% use the child to punish you. So it's entirely possible that if he gets notification of the CMS claim he will do one or more of the following:

• rant and rage at you, very likely in front of your DS - everything from what a witch you are to no tundertand his MH issues to you being a money grabbing whore
• Use your DS to punish you, "fine, if you want money from me then obviously that's all you want so I won't see him this weekend."
• Use your DS to punish you without even notice - so jus tnot turning up etc.
• Ruin your DS' christmas, "well,I would have bought you apresent but mummy is taking all my money so I can't afford it"

Also solicitors letters are literal pieces of paper. They are paid for, not legally binding. Don’t be scared.

Reply back go ahead get a solicitor involved. I clearly need to get CMS involved now. Happy Christmas

Court will more than likely continue with the contact you already have. Baby huge change needs a good reason, change is not always in the best interest of child. Court will also factor what the child says. Court is not a threat. And it's not going to go in his favour.

I think alternating is the most fair solution long term starting with his dad having him next year since plans are already made for this one.

I'd drop DS round Christmas Day evening and then he can do his 'Christmas morning' with him on Boxing Day morning.

Fair to whom? Not the mother who does 99% of the effort and not the child who wants Christmas at his own home. The man is selfish. No consideration for what his child wants.

Thank you, I have not submitted the cms claim....i got a text with a code and I bookmarked the page for a later date.
I really don't want Christmas disrupted at all for our son. It's my duty to shield him from the animosity. I wish there wasn't any animosity but it's at a point now where everyone I know is telling me point blank that Ex has been taking the piss out of me from the start and I've been so nice I've allowed it because he is very good at having a new problem every week, anything I might want to discuss with him has to be put aside cos a) hes "had another breakdown" "didnt sleep well"

Also I swear to god he cares about his 2 cars and always has means to keep them on the road. He is a new driver. Passed his test last year. And he is very image conscious. They are big streetrace type cars hes got. The insurance alone is close to £300 for both a month he has openly told me so.
And I would say obsessed as his passion is just those cars.

I do feel like this has all gone too far and is my fault for being so accommodating...
.
Appreciate the advice.. need it greatly..😪

Thank you CheeseTime..i desperately sadly agree🥲

I hope you always keep screen shots of all communication including arrangements he cancels.
Get a proper legal arrangement if he threatened suicide you will have the screen shots to support you.