Passive-aggressive fantasy gifting - come and indulge your darkest inclinations here!

[sprigatito]

Not for the humourless ⚠️

What gifts would you secretly love to give your nearest and dearest? I'll start:

My dad (whom I love dearly but drives me bonkers) - a large print, very basic book about cat nutrition. Maybe he would finally get it into his head that we are not just being meanies when we intercept him trying to give them milk/leftover curry/chilli

DS2: a ping pong ball with a face on it (to go in the loo), a pair of Marigolds and a toilet duck

A divorce lawyers business card slipped into DB's christmas card. Oh, the temptation!

Oh yes, I can think of a couple of people I'd like to slip those to!

Also MIL: a cheque for a random sum of money (say 13.92) to be split between five people who must each send a separate thank you card. Addressed to someone who doesn't exist.

My dad - a book entitled something like "The Joy of Gifting". He buys zero Christmas presents, even the present to my mum she buys for him to wrap up. Most years he will forget and then run around the house on Christmas morning trying to locate wrapping paper and scissors. If he does remember then he will proudly proclaim that he "wrapped it last night" as if we're all supposed to be impressed.

for MIL - a laminated sheet giving all her (many) local taxi firm numbers, and an explanation of how taxis work. Might stop her calling DH to go and drive an hour each way to take her to the supermarket 500 yards from her house in the town centre.

For my FIL's partner...a book on how to enjoy life and let other's enjoy theirs. Especially food at Christmas.

My mum does the "look i've even put it in a bag" thing on the very very very rare occasion she gives a physical present. Which is usually something she has just been given and regifted as she didn't want it, you know this as she tells you. I'll take a copy of the same book thanks.

On one of my FIL's birthday she had bought him 4 cans of beer, I had to tell her that she couldn't just hand 4 cans of unwrapped beer to him over the table in the fancy restaurant and found her a bag. Well she could have, but i didn't want my FIL to be exposed to the lack of care as he is a lovely generous man.

Sorry bit of a rant!

Could you tell her you loved the book so much and thought it was such a thoughtful gift that you got her a copy (then wrap the book she gave you back to her with a manuscript inscription with her name to make onward gifting more difficult)?

I could but am trying (and failing quite often ) to be a better person! She’s already given us presents this year (me husband and child) of some cash. But still chance for my fil to get some random thing someone has bought her!

My dad is also shocking at wrapping presents, you can guarantee on Christmas Eve he'll be stomping around swearing sellotape and beseeching us to find him a bit of spare wrapping paper!

For an exasperating friend “Listening for Dummies”.

For BIL a 1-way ticket to Siberia and a book to read when there called “How to live when there are no more women to sponge off”

I think this book would be a bestseller tbh, every family seems to have at least one intolerant Christmas grump. Maybe we should write a MN version?

This isn't really a secretly love to give as I actually did it and the recipient deserved it!

My oldest sister used to be married to a guy Dave (not his real name) and Dave was a wanker (still is by all accounts). Dave was also a shit driver. Dave also crashed into my front wall more times than I can count. Sick of Dave not offering any money towards fixing the wall I reached the end of my tether so one year, while everyone was watching crap TV and I was supposed to be cooking I snuck out and decorated Dickhead Dave's car in 'I suck at driving' and 'honk if you think my driving is shit' stickers.

Yeah he was pissed when he found out but meh Dickhead Dave deserved it and they all came off in the end so yeah, moral of the story is don't be a dickhead and don't crash your car into my wall!

How the fuck do you repeatedly crash into the same wall?! What a fuckwit 😂 I bet his face was a picture, did he know it was you?

A pair of reading glasses for my FIL! It’s getting horrific watching him squint and hold papers at a funny angle. I’ve threatened to buy them as a present before but I think if I actually did there would be a row

This would be good for SIL. She lives about a 40 mile round trip away, when she comes to ours DH has to collect her as she doesn't drive (even though transport links round our city are good and there's nothing wrong with her legs). Never offered anything for petrol money in the dozens of times she has been ferried around either.

When he saw my smug expression yes lol.

Said he was going to sue me. I said go ahead, I'll sue for the wall and all the previous times he'd knocked it over.

Everyone called him a dickhead and told him to shut up eventually. It was a nice Christmas after that because he just sat silently fuming in the corner instead of regaling the room about the last time he'd snorted coke and had a fight with someone.

An ‘entertainment guide’ for one member of my friendship group. In the 15 years we have known each other she has been for numerous coffees/meals at everyone else’s house but no one has been allowed over her threshold.

I’ve got SIL in this year’s family secret Santa and I’m so tempted to give her a mirror to take a long hard look at herself

Trying to find the perfect brass neck for my SIL

Research papers for my MIL on neurodiversity and genetics. FiL is my DH's stepdad. She cannot conceive that our kids, her son, her daughter and my nephews all being neurodiverse could be connected - let alone anything to do with her.

"In my day we didn't have all these labels" etc...

For my MIL a printed list of the dc birthday dates and the number of gifts she has forgotten for each child and owes me for

For my SIL a book with a ten step program on how to occasionally agree with other peoples plans and not impose your own preferences on them by bullying

For my DM a timer which automatically counts down 1 min and starts every time anyone else starts a conversation with her, she isnt allowed to say anything until the timer reaches zero

I could go on and on 😂

I’m in the fortunate position that all the people I buy presents for deserve something nice, but I’d like to get a decibel meter for a couple of colleagues.

A therapist's number and the first ten sessions booked for a certain family member. (I'd pick the therapist quite carefully).

A comprehensive STI testing pack for a friend's husband. And for her I guess.

A one way ticket to Moscow for Nigel Farage.

I'm not planning to get STBXH a Christmas present, but if I was, I'd get him a framed picture of his One True Love - himself 🥰