Do your extended family run kids presents by you?

[cheesychips15]

My parents, my brother and SIL and my husband's brother all either ask us what they can get the kids for Christmas/birthday or if they have an idea themselves they'll message us to ask if it's ok.

My in laws just buy whatever they want for the kids. For the most part this is fine, the presents they buy are always lovely, but it has caused a few problems. For our son's first Christmas they bought the gift we were planning to get him. Thankfully they did tell us they'd bought it before we did, but it then meant we had to rethink what we were getting quite late on.

After that we (well my husband) asked them to check with us before buying any gifts, mainly to avoid duplicates. They've sort of managed to do this, although they do occasionally buy something and then just tell us, and think this is the same as telling us in advance. For Christmas this year we said we could give them some ideas if they were stuck for things to get, and they said yes so we gave them some ideas and they picked some. All great.

Our son's birthday is in January and I said to my husband we might need to ask if they want some birthday present ideas soon (they like to sort everything really far ahead of time). When he was on the phone to them yesterday they mentioned they would send the kids' Christmas and son's birthday present down when BIL visits next week. This was a surprise to him as they hadn't mentioned a birthday present, so he messaged to ask what is. Turns out they've bought a smart watch for our 3 year old. We are trying to keep him from screens as much as possible for as long as possible, so my husband has asked if they'd return it (said it's a bit old for him) and gave them a few ideas for something more suitable.

FIL is now apparently upset and said he doesn't want to return it, and he doesn't mind if son doesn't like it as they'll also be giving him cash. I don't think he understands/accepts that we don't want him to have it, it's not that he won't like it (I'm sure he'd love it, that's part of the problem!)

Sorry just realised this is really long, but basically just wondered if it's normal for extended family to run presents past you before buying for your young kids?

Both sides of the family usually ask what to get my two children although they’re older teens so it’s usually just money these days but when they were small they did ask what they were into/needed and I would provide ideas or give specific examples. It’s practicality isn’t it - you ask the parents so presents aren’t duplicated or you arent getting them something they wouldn’t appreciate. Never heard of a smartwatch for a 3 year old but I guess I’m out of touch.

DH's family have in the past bought what they wanted for our DS and it can be frustrating. We are overseas and often if they do buy anything it's ill thought - (something too big we can't fit it in the suitcase to take back with us) or something DS isn't interested in or a duplicate gift.
I now make a point of asking them what they want for their kids and suggesting what DS would like. I imagine if we were able to see each other more frequently then we would be more likely to be on the same page. It's just hard when you're overseas because you can't return stuff.

We get asked sometimes but it is up to them, I have no desire to control what people buy or not

i ask the parents what gifts to get the children i buy for and likewise, i'll give suggestions to those who ask me.

i'd much rather get a gift someone really wants than trying to choose something that may not be appreciated.

But the gift is for the children not the parent

Occasionally but I much prefer it when people don’t. It feels more calculated and less fun.

And I like that others buy things you wouldn’t have thought of or chosen.

If people ask me for ideas I don’t really give them.

@Edingril i check with the parents on behalf of their children.

Yes and it’s not unusual to ask the parents as they have a good idea what the child would like.

It makes sense to avoid duplicates. Also if you don't live near enough to go round each others houses frequently you can be a bit clueless as to what they already own.

When DC were little my PIL used to really annoy me re birthday and Christmas presents. We would say Oh we've decided to get DS such and such for Christmas.
A week later, MIL would say You know you're getting DC such and such for Christmas? Well we've bought him one.
Very kind of them to get them nice gifts but why get what we were getting?
Another thing they did was if I said one of the kids had gone off toys cars (for example) or had too many, they'd get them toy cars.
It was a battle of wills at times

Who in their right mind buys a 3 year old a smartwatch?

My family do ask, in-laws do not.

We consequently end up with a lot of cheap polyester/ plastic tat from shein and wish. Second hand toys that are dangerous/ broken and not age appropriate. Stuff that MIL thinks DC needs but we have already decided we don’t want to use for our DC, but she buys without consulting us. I am polite about it and say thank you because that’s how I was brought up, but it does irritate me. We don’t have a lot of space and I hate clutter.

I Keep the stuff for a while then get rid/ hide it somewhere. I wish in-laws would just save their money, it’s an awful waste. Thankfully DP has had a word with them this year, although it was not well received by some.

A Smart watch for a 3 year old is crazy. What would he use it for ?
You or your husband need to talk to the father in law again and make a big point that it isn't about whether your son would like it not - but it simply isn't suitable for a 3 year old.

You sound really ungrateful! We never run presents by each other, and we never expect family members to run presents by us.

Kids smart watches aren't really smart watches they teach children how to tell the time, learn to count etc.

@CosyLemur not really ungrateful if it's something that is completely not suitable for a 3 year old.
You don't need tech to teach all that.

It's my money so I decide. I obviously wouldn't get a big enough present that it would compete with the parents or anything potentially dangerous/morally dubious.

I've said this before but I'm don't think traditional gift etiquette works so well when there is so much tat so readily available. Gifts aren't always thoughtful these days.

Ungrateful and controlling.
Your kids are their grandkids. Let them buy them what they want.
If THEY want to check with you to avoid duplicates/ensure gift will be liked by child etc, that’s up to them. You can’t force it and nor should you.

At 3 years old they'll be starting nursery/school within 12 months they'll be expected to be able to use all kinds of tech including watches, cameras, touch screens, laptops by then so yes some tech like this is in fact needed.

I think its fine as my family have always asked/checked whats ok but ive also been absolutely slammed for being that way. Think families are different.
Your way isn’t wrong and suppose theirs isn’t either but when it comes down to it they are your children. Any unwanted / unused gifts that won’t be played with / worn, I just gift to charity etc.
I don’t like people wasting their money on unwanted stuff but then again some people get offended by this so its hard. I totally get you though, its annoying especially when there are duplicates xx

As with the other thread on this subject, family members can't win.

On the other thread, the OP is moaning because relatives asking what to the child would like is annoying and adds to her mental load. But if relatives don't ask, they get complained about because the present is unsuitable/a duplicate/yes, Hey Duggee was his favourite but now it's Peppa Pig so that Duggee toy needs to be returned, etc etc etc

This. If he's too young for ut keep it until he's older.

I get fed up of family asking me what to buy. I only have a certain amount of ideas and I have to pass them on!

I’d be grateful for someone thinking of something on their own!

I think the best way to put it is: is there anything DC want / need? Or should I get a surprise?