Do your extended family run kids presents by you?

[cheesychips15]

My parents, my brother and SIL and my husband's brother all either ask us what they can get the kids for Christmas/birthday or if they have an idea themselves they'll message us to ask if it's ok.

My in laws just buy whatever they want for the kids. For the most part this is fine, the presents they buy are always lovely, but it has caused a few problems. For our son's first Christmas they bought the gift we were planning to get him. Thankfully they did tell us they'd bought it before we did, but it then meant we had to rethink what we were getting quite late on.

After that we (well my husband) asked them to check with us before buying any gifts, mainly to avoid duplicates. They've sort of managed to do this, although they do occasionally buy something and then just tell us, and think this is the same as telling us in advance. For Christmas this year we said we could give them some ideas if they were stuck for things to get, and they said yes so we gave them some ideas and they picked some. All great.

Our son's birthday is in January and I said to my husband we might need to ask if they want some birthday present ideas soon (they like to sort everything really far ahead of time). When he was on the phone to them yesterday they mentioned they would send the kids' Christmas and son's birthday present down when BIL visits next week. This was a surprise to him as they hadn't mentioned a birthday present, so he messaged to ask what is. Turns out they've bought a smart watch for our 3 year old. We are trying to keep him from screens as much as possible for as long as possible, so my husband has asked if they'd return it (said it's a bit old for him) and gave them a few ideas for something more suitable.

FIL is now apparently upset and said he doesn't want to return it, and he doesn't mind if son doesn't like it as they'll also be giving him cash. I don't think he understands/accepts that we don't want him to have it, it's not that he won't like it (I'm sure he'd love it, that's part of the problem!)

Sorry just realised this is really long, but basically just wondered if it's normal for extended family to run presents past you before buying for your young kids?

Sometimes they ask, sometimes they don't. Sometimes it's a nice surprise, sometimes it's not. Even when it's not, DC and I gracefully say thank you, pack it into a suitcase and take it home. Sometimes it spends a year or so in the box before being opened, sometimes I give it away to a charity event.
If you don't want your DC to have an item (eg device, guns, whatever) - then just put it away once you get home.

I could have written this!

I get this from my ex in-laws for my older 2. Every Xmas and birthday they buy things that my children just aren't interested in, because they never ask. Last year it was also buying lego advent calendars for the older 2, and I felt like I then had to fork out to get my youngest (not ex's) a similar toy advent calendar so she didn't feel left out.
I am not on speaking terms with them so I just have to let ex deal with it as it's his family, but naturally he doesn't deal with it 🤦🏼‍♀️
Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful that they bother with my children, I appreciate they've bought gifts, especially as I don't have family, but fluff me I wish they'd just ask first 😩

We ask for ideas and then let the parents know what has been bought.

I keep every receipt in the run up to Christmas so if there are any duplications (because other people didn't ask and bought off the hoof) then things can be exchanged or returned. I am not at all precious about people wanting to do that - at least the money isn't wasted!

I'm so intrigued by the smart watch. We'd be fairly strict on screens but our guys had Bluey and Spider-Man watches that made noise and had games and times. Analog display. Is it a Fitbit? Is it a screen or a display?

I absolutely hate being constantly asked for what my kids want, exact links etc

Just use your initiative! My kids love a surprise and some of their favourite things have been surprises

https://www.thetoyshop.com/educational-toys/watches/VTech-My-First-Kidi-Smartwatch/p/566148

If it’s something like this, it’s effectively just a toy that sits on their arm.

When it comes to presents for our granddaughters, I usually come up with the ideas, based on conversations with the kids/ observation when with them. But I always run it past the parents.

Luckily they seem ok with that approach. Neither parent worries about saying no, either. If that happens, I start again.

It strikes me that not coming up with ideas just increases the parents' mental load.

There's definitely a balance here, I also wouldn't appreciate having to provide everyone with website links either.

No. People gift what they want to give. My SIL (who I adore) always showers DD with gifts and sometimes they are a tad too old for her, so I just put them away for when she's ready. She's just started to get "into" a jewellery making kit which she was given when she was 3 and didn't quite have a the fine motor control for.

I think it’s best to relax and just let people buy what they want for your children. Except you can draw the line at inappropriate gifts and that includes smart watches / screens / tech for children.

Otherwise just be grateful they are getting them anything!

I’m surprised people are saying you’re ungrateful, Surely if the gift goes against the parenting philosophy it’s not a thoughtful gift it’s actually just quite rude. For example I wouldn’t buy lots of plastic or non vegan products for my god child, who belongs to very eco conscious, vegan parents. It is my money and I can do what I want with it, but why would I want to upset or undermine the parents, and then demand thanks and gratefulness. Same as if dh bought me a thoughtless gift that I’ll never use, it’s a lack of care and it’s rude.

I think however if it’s a thoughtful gift that is mistakenly a duplicate or something the child just happens to not be into, you have to let that go. Part of many people’s joy of Christmas is buying the gift, so that’s how I accept things that seem wasteful. The gift giver spent their money and enjoyed doing so and tried to show your child that they cared about them.
op just don’t give ds the smart watch, he won’t realise he’s down a gift. Regift it, donate it, return it or sell it and use the money for something else for him