Am I being unreasonable?

[NiftyLurker]

I'm a single parent to two girls age 8 and 14. They have different fathers. My 8 year old has never met her father (his choice), and I only have a very small family, meaning that she only has too without her dad and his side.

Every Christmas for the past 20 years, my sister, BIL and their 2 boys (now adults) have spent Christmas day at our house. It has never deviated from this.

Each NYE we would invite them round, play party games, have food and see in the new year together. Last NYE, I slaved over party food all after noon, bought a new game and got everywhere looking nice ready for our night, to then only have my sister turn up, informing me that my BIL and nephews didn't want to come. One excuse was because my eldest was at her dad's. This really upset me as it felt like my youngest was being left out when they are the only family she has got. Plus I was royally p!ssed off about all the food waste too. No apology from anyone either following this, despite my sister seeing how upset me and my youngest were.

Fast forward to this upcoming Christmas and they have informed me that they will not be coming to our house as usual this Christmas because my BIL has lost his mother 4-5 months back. Obviously I do understand it is a difficult time of year for him and for some context, she passed from alcohol related issues and BIL is alcohol dependant and finally seeking support from services.

I absolutely do appreciate how much of a difficult time of year it will be for him, and I'm not dismissing it but I can't help feeling incredibly angry and upset that again they are doing this to my girls. Their boys had so many lovely memories at Christmas because regardless of what happened, bereavements etc, we all continued with Christmas day as best we could for the sake of the children.

It just feels now that their own kids are grown up, that mine don't matter. I spent so much time with my nephews when they were growing up, having them for sleep overs, taking them out for the day etc and non of this has ever been reciprocated for my girls.

I have asked them politely if they would reconsider for the girls sake before I have to break the news to them, but it took 4 days to get a response and they just informed me that BIL is looking at going to rehab. Which I already knew and suggested myself (I work in mental health services), however, I cannot see what relevance this has on not wanting to spend a few hours of Christmas day with their nieces.

I don't know if I am just being incredibly over sensitive or not because all I keep thinking about is how heartbreaking it is for my youngest to not be given the same fun and memories that all the other children in our family had growing up. Especially with what they did to her last NYE.

Am I over reacting?

I understand where you're coming from but it sounds like your Dsis and BIL have had a very tough year and BIL is obviously struggling with issues that are more important than your DD's Christmas this year.
So I think you are being unreasonable yes

Kindly YABU. They have to put themselves first after a bereavement. You are placing an obligation and responsibility that is actually her father's.

That is not fair.

This has nothing to do with your girls. Your BIL is making a huge change in his life. If he needs to skip your gathering to focus on his sobriety, then that should be fully supported.

you can find ways to make Christmas magical for your own household.

I absolutely do appreciate how much of a difficult time of year it will be for him, and I'm not dismissing it but I can't help feeling incredibly angry and upset that again they are doing this to my girls.

Woah! Hang on a minute.

Last year you were quite rightly pissed off at the lack of notice and the wasted food.

This year they've done the right thing and told you in advance they won't be coming and they're in the wrong?

I'm sorry but you ARE dismissing his grieving and how difficult this first Christmas will be, and that's before the alcohol issues and rehab.

I get you're disappointed OP, but they are NOT responsible for your DC's Christmas.

I would be gutted in your position too. However, this is the reality and it doesn't look likely to change. I would make a totally new plan for this year. Can your budget run to booking a cottage and going away? Or a few nights in a premier inn in London, and go to the parks / lights / Boxing Day sales? To give the girls new memories and stop the comparisons.

I think they are trying to tell you that life is a total clusterfuck for them right now and they need to be given space to cope with it. They haven't got the bandwidth for a family Christmas and you need to accept it.

At least they have given you plenty of notice so you won't waste money on food. They're not doing anything wrong here, it's not their responsibility to ensure that your girls have a nice Christmas.

I don't want to be harsh but they may want a Christmas at home by themselves for once. That's ok.

They aren't obligated to have Christmas with you every single year.

Gracefully accept their choice.

They have very good reasons for wanting to do their own thing this year. Step back and let them.

You can't expect them to want to spend every Christmas with you and your DDs. You'll have to go your own ways at some point so why not now.

Sorry but YABU

Things change - 20 years was a good run but usually something will happen at some point to make a change in routine - covid did that for me tbh when I realised i liked being in my own house for xmas rather than visiting

No-one owes you a visit, especially with what they have been through - they will need understanding and positive support, not a guilt trip - your daughters Christmas isnt their responsibility

Yes, it sounds like you were a great auntie, but it is easier to do this when you dont have kids of you own - by the time your youngest came along it sounds as though they were dealing with their own kids and alcoholism

Its time to do something new with your own family - go away for the day , have lunch out, have a PJ day, board game marathon, anything you like really!

I think if you'd put a poll up you'd have got well over 90% saying YABU.

This. These people can’t win.

OP, you’re being unreasonable. These people are, as they should be, prioritising themselves. They don’t exist solely to liven up your daughters’ Christmas. They e given you plenty of notice of their non-attendance.

Surely also you grasp that two adults don’t want to spend every NYE playing games with their parents, their aunt and their child cousins?

"Surely also you grasp that two adults don’t want to spend every NYE playing games with their parents, their aunt and their child cousins?"

Totally. I'm sure your sister's grown up kids love their family and little cousins but NYE might look different to them now they're young adults.

It's totally understandable that you feel done over, but it's by circumstances, not by your sister and BIL (this year at least, although I can see why you'd still be a bit aggrieved after last years' thoughtlessness).

I'm sure you would all like to be in a situation where continuing the traditions would be possible, but it's not going to be this year.

FWIW, I once rage-planned The Best Christmas Ever in response to being shunned (politely and in advance, but still shunned) by habitual Christmas guests. My kids loved that Christmas so much that the guests haven't been invited back since! 😜

YABU , your BIL obviously has major issues that he is dealing with and your nephews are now adults and can make their own choices . Plan a lovely Christmas with just your children / child , no reason why it can’t be just as fun .

I don't think anyone is being an asshole but I do think times change, things change and people move on. Unfortunately things can't always stay as they are.

It sounds like you're sister and BIL both have a lot going on in their lives and they need to focus on that to improve their circumstances, harshly it's more important for them to sort their own lives out than keep continuity for your daughter/s.

She is 8 and she will have understanding if you tell her things are going to be a little different this year , you can frame it in a positive way like mammy wants to spend the day just us to make it extra special ect (single mum here so I do all that jazz) .

Don't think you're being unreasonable and I do understand your hurt feelings but you can't expect them to change what they've set to suit you they've let you know in plenty of time too.
They deffo should have apologised and not let you down such short notice last year - but at least they've not done that again this time.

I'm sure you will make the best of your day with your girls xx

As others have said - kindly, it’s not about you or your daughter. They have had a tough year and they need to change their plans to suit that. You can’t rely on them to fill the holes in your youngest’s family unfortunately.

I agree with the suggestion to use this as an opportunity to change up your own Christmas - make some traditions of your own with your girls. Have a Christmas PJ’s day, change up how you do your Christmas dinner maybe, do a Christmas movie afternoon, buy some family games and have a games evening.

Its a tough situation because you aren’t being unreasonable to want family around for your children at Christmas but you are being unreasonable to expect them to never change their plans and to not appreciate how difficult it is for your sisters family this year.

Ultimately you are responsible for making Christmas fab for your dc. Rehab trumps a relatives festivities...

Have you ever asked your children what they would like to do on Christmas day ??

I too would look at going away for Christmas.

Not turning up at the last minute last year was really rubbish. But this year they have given you lots of advance warning and at the end of the day it's up to them how to spend Christmas and new year. Even without the bereavement.

Have you got any friends you can invite?

You're being really unfair on them.

They've been through and are going through hell. BIL lost his mother about two minutes ago, and can you imagine how much fun it must be for your sister right now? An alcoholic struggling with the death of his alcoholic mother, living with him must be a barrel of laughs.

They need every ounce of support they can get.

You just have a small family, that's not a crisis they need to be considerate of while going through so much themselves.

Aside from their circumstances this year, they're also allowed decide to just stay home for Christmas out of preference. It's not like they'd be leaving anyone on their own.

It was bad form to cancel last minute on NYE last year, but of course a family of adults may not fancy a night of board games with an 8yo on NYE.

Time to them have their adult Christmas.

Yes YABVU. Plan a lovely day for your DC. Not at all unreasonable for your sister and BIL to have a quiet Xmas, given 2 very major life events in their family.

The replies aren't what you were hoping for OP. I hope you're ok.

Surely also you grasp that two adults don’t want to spend every NYE playing games with their parents, their aunt and their child cousins Definitely this!

About Christmas, I think losing a parent and then going to rehab is a pretty solid excuse to miss the festivities at yours! Very kindly, this is more
important than your DD ‘only’ spending Christmas with her parents and sibling.

Last year they were in the wrong for not telling you and it’s clouding your judgement on this year where they’ve done nothing wrong.

I understand your disappointment but try not to pour your energy into this.