Am I being unreasonable?

[NiftyLurker]

I'm a single parent to two girls age 8 and 14. They have different fathers. My 8 year old has never met her father (his choice), and I only have a very small family, meaning that she only has too without her dad and his side.

Every Christmas for the past 20 years, my sister, BIL and their 2 boys (now adults) have spent Christmas day at our house. It has never deviated from this.

Each NYE we would invite them round, play party games, have food and see in the new year together. Last NYE, I slaved over party food all after noon, bought a new game and got everywhere looking nice ready for our night, to then only have my sister turn up, informing me that my BIL and nephews didn't want to come. One excuse was because my eldest was at her dad's. This really upset me as it felt like my youngest was being left out when they are the only family she has got. Plus I was royally p!ssed off about all the food waste too. No apology from anyone either following this, despite my sister seeing how upset me and my youngest were.

Fast forward to this upcoming Christmas and they have informed me that they will not be coming to our house as usual this Christmas because my BIL has lost his mother 4-5 months back. Obviously I do understand it is a difficult time of year for him and for some context, she passed from alcohol related issues and BIL is alcohol dependant and finally seeking support from services.

I absolutely do appreciate how much of a difficult time of year it will be for him, and I'm not dismissing it but I can't help feeling incredibly angry and upset that again they are doing this to my girls. Their boys had so many lovely memories at Christmas because regardless of what happened, bereavements etc, we all continued with Christmas day as best we could for the sake of the children.

It just feels now that their own kids are grown up, that mine don't matter. I spent so much time with my nephews when they were growing up, having them for sleep overs, taking them out for the day etc and non of this has ever been reciprocated for my girls.

I have asked them politely if they would reconsider for the girls sake before I have to break the news to them, but it took 4 days to get a response and they just informed me that BIL is looking at going to rehab. Which I already knew and suggested myself (I work in mental health services), however, I cannot see what relevance this has on not wanting to spend a few hours of Christmas day with their nieces.

I don't know if I am just being incredibly over sensitive or not because all I keep thinking about is how heartbreaking it is for my youngest to not be given the same fun and memories that all the other children in our family had growing up. Especially with what they did to her last NYE.

Am I over reacting?

When my Mum died it was the summer and I found christmas that year unbearable. DH kept everything low key, just immediate family (one DC still lived at home the other came for lunch) and I appreciated that. I certainly couldn't have coped with being cheerful for other people. Several years on and I still struggle with mothers day but I'm back to enjoying christmas. I get where your in laws are coming from - you are the mother of your children so you should make their day special. You don't mention your parents so I'm assuming your children don't have grandparents who could be invited for christmas....

YABU. Last year was really crappy of them to not give you any notice but this year they’ve told you in advance. They are going through a difficult time and need their own space. It’s not their responsibility to put all that to one side for the sake of your daughter.

And as your nephews get older, there will be less family time as they simply won’t want to do these activities, so you need to start accepting and preparing for the change in dynamic.

You’ve got plenty of notice to have a lovely Christmas at home with your daughters. Stop feeling like such a victim and focus on making it a really happy fun day. You’re very fortunate to not have recently lost a parent or be someone with a major damaging addiction or someone whose spouse is. If you have a shit Christmas that’ll be on you.

Things change, it’s one of life’s constants.

YABU. Not least for the fact that it's perfectly possible for your youngest to still have a lovely Christmas without her aunt/uncle/cousins there. I'm an only child and only ever had my DMum and Ddad growing up, and we always still had a great time. The season is what you make of it 🤷‍♀️

OP have you lost anyone close to you? The first Christmas is horrible. Kindly, you are being very selfish. This isn’t about you.
I understand you feeling upset. We’ve lost a lot of family members over the last few years so our family has massively shrunk. I feel heartbroken for my youngest who will never experience family Christmas like the other kids in my family have. I decided to take control and make it perfect for him; his choice of food and games. We have a different but wonderful time. You need to make your own plans now.

Every Christmas for the past 20 years, my sister, BIL and their 2 boys (now adults) have spent Christmas day at our house. It has never deviated from this.

Sounds like a good run but I would imagine they want a change. Maybe they want Christmas in their own home for once! Just them.

Why don’t you go away? Invite friends over? Go out for dinner?

Last year you were not BU, this year you 100% are. They've given notice and nobody owes you their Christmas. You could be in for a rude awakening when your own girls grow up.

Maybe time to stop being reliant on other people.
Your BIL going into rehab is a huge step that takes priority over coming to you for Xmas.
You sound incredibly tone deaf and selfish.

Focus on making new fun Christmas traditions for you and your girls.
We always go to the pantomime in the local town on either Christmas Eve or Boxing Day.
Go to a carol service.
Perhaps book Christmas Day lunch in a local restaurant or pub if you don't want to be on your own.
Meet up with friends for a short while on a walk or in a playground.
Watch a Christmas film together.
Cook something fun and festive together.

YABU. They clearly want to do things differently, as they have every right to. Start your own/new traditions with your girls that doesn't revolve around other people.

Times move on and traditions change.
My children are now adult and nearly adult, Christmas has changed enormously for us since we lost DH’s dad and girlfriends have come into play.
Spending the day with our young nephews and nieces isn’t right for us anymore.
That doesn’t mean we don’t love them and think they matter but a young adult Christmas is very different from a child’s one.

Last year sounds very unfortunate and they clearly should have given you more notice. Although of course given the circumstances it could always be possible that the truth was something more unpleasant for them involving a fall out from the alcohol addictions in the family.

However, it is obviously fine for 2 young adults to make their own choices for New Year/Christmas etc and this should be expected. And your sister and her family seem to be in a tough place right now. I can see you are sad about traditions ending but you have been given enough notice to arrange something else for you and your daughters. I am sure you will still have fun.

You are justified in being upset over being let down at the last minute last year and also over your sister not taking the same interest in your girls as you did for your nephews if it’s been as you described over their childhoods.

But you are being really unreasonable and entirely selfish about this Christmas. Your BIL has a lot going on and needs to prioritise himself and his recovery. Neither he or your sister are responsible for your family Christmas. As your nephews grow up, they will naturally progress to wanting to celebrate new years with friends

Its not anyone elses job to make your Christmas 'magical' and no one else to blame if its not. You can not summon other people to be your free entertainment.

Growing up it was just me and my mam, I was an only child until age 10 and my dad left when I was a toddler and never bothered to be in my life, my mam had no family near by.

I had the BEST Christmases with just my mam.

In my teens I had my younger sibling and step family (step dad, step grandparents, step uncles etc...) and Christmas became awful, I would have given anything to go back to the happy childhood Christmas with just me and mam (maybe my sibling as they weren't the problem).

We actively choose to stay in just us, us and our kids have wonderful Christmases without putting on a performance. Frankly its very nice they have gone along with this for so long, now they are putting themselves first.

I can't help feeling incredibly angry and upset that again they are doing this to my girls.

I think you need to let this anger go! It’s really not their responsibility to do anything for your girls. Did you expect they would be coming to you forever? With the adult sons and new partners and their kids as well?!

In a gentle way your bil mental health comes above everything else and it's good hes seeking out help and support. Different bereavements affect us differently each time and I dont see it as they are doing anything to your girls etc. But sometimes in life people have to put themselves first. Try and take emotions out of it and look at it from a different perspective. People are growing and evolving all the time and due to the nephews being adults they will be wanting and needing to do their own thing as well.

Maybe it's the nostalgia of past xmas times with them all that's making you feel upset and down about this year but this is when you and the kids can make new traditions etc. Hugs and hope it all works out.

Last year sounds very unfortunate and they clearly should have given you more notice. Although of course given the circumstances it could always be possible that the truth was something more unpleasant for them involving a fall out from the alcohol addictions in the family.

This is a very good point by @AgathaChristmas.

Your sister is clearly having a really tough time at the moment - and may well have been having difficulties with her husband's behaviour at home for much longer than you know. I hope she's OK.

While you're obviously disappointed, I don't think you should be very surprised that the Christmas plans have had to change. The family are undergoing a huge upheaval. To be honest, given the age of your nephews, it's quite surprising the Christmas and New Year arrangements have lasted so long in the same format.

Sorry, another YABU here. It's not anyone else's responsibility to make your girls happy. That's the sad and harsh truth of the matter. Your nephews are adults now. I mean, how long did you expect them to want to entertain little girls? Things move on. Life evolves and it changes all the time. Children grow up, people die, get sick, get divorced. Nothing lasts forever. This particular "tradition" has run its course and you need to accept it. I was a single parent with one child and no extended family to speak of. The 2 of us would make the very best of Christmas regardless. You need to do the same and lose this resentment for the sake of your girls.

You are not only being unreasonable, you are being bloody selfish.

Your BIL needs to prioritise his mental health right now - he is unwell and grieving. How dare you try and pressure him into coming to your house anyway because you feel he somehow owes your kids because it's Christmas.

But as well as that, your nephews are adults. The dynamic is going to be different. One day soon they'll have partners they want to spend Christmas with. That's just what happens when yours are the younger cousins.

They could have invited you and your girls over.
I'd leave it and learn from it.

I absolutely do appreciate how much of a difficult time of year it will be for him, and I'm not dismissing it but I can't help feeling incredibly angry and upset that again they are doing this to my girls.

Yes you are being unreasonable and oversensitive. Your BiL has his own feelings - your sister's family doesn't exist simply to service yours. And as DC grow up, they may wish to celebrate Christmas and New Year in their own way.

You and your DDs can create your own traditions, just the two (or three) of you. And remember that your DDs will grow up & make their own families.

I had 2 Christmases alone because of lockdowns & COVID restrictions - I turned them into opportunities to hibernate briefly - to rest in a warm house & have some quiet time (my job can be quite pressured & dealing with lots of people). It was lovely.

Your sister's family challenges aside, your youngest DD's Christmas Days will be different to your eldest. There's a really big age gap between your nephews and your youngest and quite a big age gap between your DDs.

My youngest has had very different Christmas, Easter, birthdays, holidays, day trips compared ro my eldest. Not better. Not worse but definitely different. It's inevitable.

Hoping you can accept the changes, regroup and start planning fun for the three of you. I can see why the change in extended family dynamics might make you feel sad about your DD2's father and his lack of involvement but she is clearly a much lived little girl.

Loved

Maybe last year's drop out was due to BIL's issues and she was too embarrassed to say?
It's not their fault you picked a loser for a parent.
They have every right to prioritise their own family this year.

What? They are busy trying to help an addict in their family. OP and her kids can cope. Your suggestion makes no sense