Money and the need to have something to open

[Apigwithoutablanket]

DS is 19 and doesn't want anything for christmas but he'd be happy with money. Fair enough, I get it. My struggle however is balancing what he wants with my own thoughts that he 'needs' something to open.

I don't have a lot of money. If I give him £100, I'll then spend another £50 - 100 on bits for him to open. Things which he doesn't need, hasn't asked for, but will get used, like socks/quirky bits/sweets/art pens/toiletries etc.

I then think to myself I should have just given him £200.

How do others work it when money is requested by older children, particularly when money is tight? All money, no physical gifts? Split between the two?

Maybe get him one physical gift. Is there an after shave he likes or a bottle of spirits?

My son is getting a very expensive laptop for Christmas, he doesn't have one and needs it for his university film course. So I am giving my other son, who is older, the same amount of money.

They know there will be nothing under the tree, but I will still do them a stocking with things to open in, which they both love.

They will recognise the value of the financial gift and won't care that there are not things under the tree to open, because they are 18 and 20 and not 5.

I wrap the general christmas treats and put them under the tree for my son to open. Some of his favourite chocolates and crisps for him, other stuff like crackers and stollen labelled for sharing, but he has the fun of opening them.

One or 2 practical or novelty gifts, nothing expensive maybe a toiletries set, car cleaning set, something he would use then the money. I just bought my DH a polo shirt and 3 pairs of socks from his football teams sales section for £15. They weren’t expensive and I know he will like and get use of them.

Mainly money is not a problem. 1 big physical box type gift or a couple of tiny things alongside it is fine. All we need is couple of things to open and that suffices most people. (Even if it is boxers or socks!).

I think I would just get him a stocking (if he doesn't already have one) and put the money in it plus some socks, a toothbrush, whatever other little things he will reasonably need in the year to come. But not expensive stuff. The money is more useful to him.

Are you the only one giving gifts, or will he have other gifts to open?

Personally I refuse to give money or gift cards as gifts unless they are contributing to a particular large item the person is saving for and my family knows this. Our Christmas was becoming like the big Amazon Gift Card Exchange which was entirely transactional and just felt like box ticking and going through the motions. I like to give presents that have thought and meaning to the person and everyone manages to think of something they want or wouldn't buy themselves but would like.

Big tub of chocs wrapped up with the cash inside in a gift envelope?

The reasoning for the stocking being that it feels Christmassy and ritualistic which will fulfil that need you have for it to be a gift for him, and you can continue using it year on year which means you only have to buy it once.

A sack might be more useful as it can hold gifts of various sizes. You can get some nice grown-up looking ones.

My mum gives us all cash but with a small token something to unwrap, usually our favourite chocolates and a bottle of drink we like.

Definitely the majority money if that’s what he wants. Big bar/tub of chocs, shower gel, socks, book, whatever to a value of £20-30. Don’t waste your money on ‘stuff’ if he really doesn’t want it.

Have you seen them boxes that fall open? You could get one of those but with money instead of sweets chocolate ect

My 18 year old DD is having a new iPhone and her older sister, 22, will have the equivalent in money.

I also do them a stocking to open on Christmas. Just stuff like face wipes, hair stuff, body wash, body sprays, chocolates, cosy socks etc. I spread the cost of this type of thing by adding them to my usual weekly ASDA delivery so I barely notice I am spending it. I start adding their stocking bits to my orders from about now. I like them having something to open, and I always make sure its bits and pieces they will definitely use/eat so no wasteful tat.

We do one big gift (usually a hoodie or aftershave : perfume) or do money and then make up a stocking with Christmas socks, a nice soap and some chocolate (coins / santas etc), plus wrap up a book , a selection box and some nice things to eat.

As you say, no point in frittering away cash on things they don’t want - it soon adds up.

They’re called “bits” in our house: socks, shower gel, sweets, chocolates.

Thank you all for your thoughts so far. I see it's general consensus that there should be at least something to open, which are my thoughts as well.
I'm not keen on money as the only gift but when it is not in great abundance I'd much rather it was used as wanted rather than spent on stuff for the sake of stuff.
He's always had a stocking. It's the money I spend on that which I wonder would be better given as cash. I think I'll try and do a cheaper stocking, that way he has bits to open plus a bit more in cash than he would have had

That's the problem though, they might not want your idea of a nice present, they just want the cash. I do get the dilemma though.

It is pretty much only me he will get gifts from. As he's now an adult he's part of the family secret Santa so he'll get one gift from aunties/uncles rather than something from each. His grandparents usually give one small thing to open plus a little bit of cash

Okay then use the stocking but just put a couple of cheap but really useful things in it.

He isn't fussed about the things so it's just a matter of curbing your own need to give him stuff.

I give mine money, then they have an aftershave, a lynx set and either boxers or socks from TK Maxx (cheap but designer) and a box of celebrations

I think the poster who said to give him the money, a box of chocolates and drink he likes (whiskey? Bottle of wine?) is spot on.

My mum used to do us stockings as adults and it was awful. So much rubbish we had to give to charity shops or throw away. I also often couldn't carry them all back to my tiny flat (at the time) so me and my brothers left them at my parents one year and my mum burst into tears.

Luckily now she buys stockings for my DC so I escape the massive stocking throw away/clear out after Christmas which used to seem like such a waste of money for my mum, but in the end we just had to all pretend we'd use the stuff because she got so upset when we asked her to stop 🙈

Why not have the discussion with him?

He is an adult afterall?

I’d probably give the money after all you seem to be doing the stocking for your own sake not his

For my nephews, I wrap cash around a chocolate bar of buy a book and put in a cash "bookmark".

For my sons I do the same, but with things I'd buy them anyway, like deodorant and toothpaste 😆

Also money is a perfectly good gift for a young person these days. We all edited to say, most people have way, way too many things anyway and if a young person is telling you they don't want anything it means they have everything they want or need, plus probably lots more on top. Mindful choices of what to do with cash are much better in today's world, and the concept of well chosen gifts being better is quite outdated IMO - it's quite wasteful of money and resources to choose a present for someone who doesn't want or need anything.

Ha!
DS1 has just texted me this morning and insisted that he gets only money for Christmas.
I texted back and agreed but asked him to think of 2 or 3 very small, cheap items to open,

He's asked for some baklava and a set of mugs for his flat.
Job done!

Like you OP, I really need to see my DC opening presents!